The Law of the Playground
the letter a
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A girl's retort to any insult. It works on the same theory as "what you say is what you are", or "I know you are, you said you are, so what am I?".

Bully : Elaine, you scabby thighed fat bitch!
Elaine : A bit like you, really.

This is an imperfect reflection. The bully could quite logically reply:

What, just a bit like me? Do you mean I'm scabby-thighed but not fat? Or that I'm scabby-thighed AND fat, but just not as much as you? Either way, you just admitted that you are a scabby-thighed fat bitch, and I'm telling the headmaster.
approved Sep 3 2011, submitted Dec 28 2004 by Jon Blyth
Mr Gregory was our geography teacher in year 2. We hated him, so formed (and my toes curl at the memory) the Anti Gregory Liberation Army.

The IRA and SAS can sleep easy in their beds - our rebellion stretched as far as making small badges with a picture of a beard drawn on with the wobbly green letters 'AGLA' underneath. These were then worn under the lapels of our blazers.

Our one tactical strike was putting the clock forward 10 minutes in lessons so we could get out early. Plot was foiled when Gregory, er, looked at his watch. No members of the AGLA ever went on to serve in the Gulf War.
approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Iain Mason
Fiendish plan by two nine year olds who wished to dupe the charitable British public into giving them money to buy Star Wars stuff. The "Anthony and John Figure Fund" involved rattling homemade collection tins made from Panda Pops bottles with attractive labels drawn in felt tip and wandering the estate until we got bored. After two afternoons we had extorted £2.00 each from our parents, who found their children begging for toy money from their neighbours extremely distasteful.

I got Lando Calrissian - result!!
approved Sep 4 2011, submitted Oct 29 2004 by Tony Green
If you're going to throw a paper aeroplane at the French teacher, you might as well make a trip to the art room before the lesson and do it properly.
approved Sep 3 2011, submitted Dec 27 2002 by Phil Glansvile
The school's entire collection of colour plates from old National Geographic magazines was decimated in a single term when we discovered they made superb paper aeroplanes, especially when they have cocktail sticks wedged into the nose.
approved Feb 22 2003, submitted Feb 19 2003 by gordon riot
Our school had pull-back partition walls separating some rooms. When we were upstairs in French, we used to throw planes down at a class diagonally below us. Their teacher usually went bananas at us but one day as a plane was slowly wafting down towards her, she looked up sharply and her left breast fell out of her dress. She didn't notice. Her entire class did. She ended up having a nervous breakdown.
approved Apr 25 2003, submitted Apr 1 2003 by anonymous user
Even better, if you blue tack one of those plastic craft knives into the fold down the centre of the aeroplane, so that the blade protrudes from the front of the aircraft, it becomes a highly accurate and lethal weapon of terror that will easily lodge into walls, blackboards, flesh etc.

Please don't try this at home, school or anywhere else.

(Unless you think it would be really funny, of course -Susan.)
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Apr 9 2003 by anonymous user
Mr Anstey - mild-mannered R.E. teacher faced an up-hill struggle every week. Nobody really cared about "what kind of lentils Muslins had for breakfast". What they were interested in was having the man endure squadrons of paper planes pelting his back, while he chalked up The Ten Commandments.

Mr Anstey: "Right. Pieces of paper are now 10p each!"
Class clown, after throwing a £1 coin at teacher and strolling up to grab a pile of paper: "OK. I'll take ten."
You see, on God & stuff he was mustard. Forecasting current trends in market forces, though - rubbish.
approved Sep 3 2011, submitted Sep 26 2003 by Leigh Hall
A variation on the normal game of tig. The aim was the same, except you had to play it with your coat over your head, peering down one of the arms, which ostensibly looked like you had an aardvark's snout. What we actually looked like was a bunch of kids running about with coats on our heads.
approved Feb 9 2005, submitted Oct 30 2004 by stickle brick
Abbot was popular, charming, and irretrievably fixated on all things sexual. Most of what he did and pretty much all he said either referenced or simulated sexual function. A few examples that stick in the memory:

-Enthusiastically and noisily licking a protrusion in the classroom’s plasterboard wall on the basis that it was "a clitoris".

-Jumping in front of the deputy head in the 6th Form common room, bending down low and spreading his arse cheeks apart with his hands. Because (in Abbot's opinion) the deputy head was gay, and would appreciate it.

-Drawing a detailed picture of a naked Mrs Tomalin, with meticulous detail and colouring on her vagina. He labelled this the “Triangle Of Delight” and pretended to pleasure it with his mouth like it was some kind of clitoral plasterboard wall.

-Pretending that a glue stain on the common room window was in fact his semen, which had flown out while he was masturbating. He would simulate the sound of this hot ejaculation by going "SSsssss".

-Serenading Dytham with a song outlining his gayness.

Well, Dytham’s a homosexual
He really is so gay
He likes to get boys on the ground
And roll them in the hay
If you should hear old Dytham
Making such a din
He’ll have got some poor boy’s trousers down
And pushed his penis in


Dytham was not gay, but that's OK - it he was, this song would have been homophobic.

-Proposing to the school council that we should have a swimming pool party in the school pool. When asked to elaborate what that actually involved he said “we just get a mixed group of sixth formers in there and encourage intercourse”

We never had that swimming party.
approved Oct 3 2011, submitted Oct 3 2011 by Bertie Cockroft
abc
Are you ABC? Watch out! What ABC stands for depends on your response.

Say yes, and you've confessed to being an African Bum Cleaner. Say no, and you've just denied that you are A Brilliant Child

This doesn't exactly work if you're going to be a dick about grammar. And it is, to be fair, only really funny if they say "yes", because that's the only way you get to say "oh Jesus you're an African Bum Cleaner, this is most irregular".
approved Sep 3 2011, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ben Arnold
Also to add to your "abc" definition, it was used to denote the exchange of an "already been chewed" piece of gum from one kid to another.
approved Dec 3 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Mike G
a b c
1 2 3
Now I get
To punch thee
Prelude to punching someone in the chest, or the face if you like. Can be prevented by getting a punch in first - like most things, really.
approved Aug 9 2004, submitted Feb 16 2003 by rob harris
The victimisation of Carlisle's Ben Hodgson reached a peak when the "Anti Ben Campaigners" formed. Not just your average group of Ben-hating teenagers, we had a string of successful singles, the best-remembered being "Ben is a Bummer".
Our group was forced to retire after one of our cassettes was passed about on a school trip, and a teacher listened to it.
Apparently, a group of boys dedicating every spare hour to writing songs about Ben bumming things was not only bullying, but it said more about us than it did about Ben.
approved Apr 29 2005, submitted Dec 17 2004 by S H
In the 1980s, Northampton Borough Council workers drove around in yellow vans with 'NBC' on the side. We would therefore taunt the school fleabags by chanting "your dad works for Northampton Bum Cleaners".
Twenty years later, I now make a living cleaning bums in a Northampton old peoples home. The irony is sickening.
approved Nov 20 2007, submitted Dec 20 2006 by Mark P
When Mr Craig asks you to 'parse' part of a Latin sentence, you must reply with this answer. Mr Craig will then mutter "Oh, God" and put his head in his hands before weeping quietly.
approved Oct 29 2003, submitted Oct 28 2003 by anonymous user
The distance that Danny Swailes fell to escape a 10 minute after school detention for the whole class. Danny said he was leaving at the normal time. When Mr Luck blocked the door, Danny slid the back window open and hopped out.
Despite his confidence, Danny sprained both ankles so badly that he couldn't actually walk for a week, and had to ask a teacher, who happened to see this crumpled, crying mess on the floor, to phone his dad for a lift home.
approved Jun 23 2007, submitted Apr 24 2006 by Michael Burke
A dinner lady once asked a colleague what the magic word was, after he forgot to say please. His response?

"Abracadabra motherfucker, now give me my potatoes!"

He later claimed that he had been calling the dinner lady "Mother Hubbard" as a term of endearment. It was a nice try.
approved Sep 3 2011, submitted Feb 25 2004 by The Boy Tucker
Given to the smallest, weakest kid during games lessons. Victim is pinned to the floor and asked if he wants "an accelerator". Regardless of the answer (no-one ever says "yes"), you spread his legs, put your foot on his bollocks, and floor it. The engine realistically rises in pitch as you press harder, just like a real car.
approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Jan 27 2003 by Nick Hunt
This was one of those terrible events that you piss yourself laughing about until the day you die. It occurred in my last year at high school, at our Sports Day held in the Queen Elizabeth II recreation centre.

Now, Hillmorton being the PC, progressive school that it is, we had a special unit on the school grounds for students that were severely physically and mentally handicapped. After the initial shock of having "them" in the school, people soon learned to capitalise on the humour element, as they had the habit of making loud mongoloid noises in school assemblies. Quite amusing.

Anyway, it was decided that, to be fair and equal, these students would have their own race... a wheelchair race, where able-bodied students would push the handicapped students along the track in front of the school. That was fine... everyone was sitting round going "isn't it good that they can take part, please have some of my fine sponge cake". And thus far, we had satisfied ourselves with laughing at one of the helpers pushing a wheelchair, who was hugely fat. However, we were to be treated to something deeply more.

To the absolute shocked amazement of everyone watching, one of the wheelchairs ran into a stone on the track. The wheel jammed and came to a sudden stop. The confused helper kept pushing, however, which lent an extra momentum to the handicapped girl, who was now sailing through the air.

She landed face first onto the hard track... and because she was so handicapped, she could do NOTHING to break her fall. This was the source of extreme tragedy, and consequently, humour. It all seemed to happen in slow motion... we saw her fly out of her chair, and do a graceful arc in mid-air and then slam heavily down onto the ground. There was a collective inward gasp amongst the crowd, and a rather shocked silence.

Then, to the disgust of the teachers who worked with the handicapped teens and who were now rushing in horror to the girl's side, the faint murmurs of laughter could be heard tittering round the place. With hindsight, something like this HAD to happen... and in a really unpleasant way, I'm glad it did.
approved Dec 9 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ian Henderson
This is a comment on the entry by ian henderson. i think you should take it off your site. it is not funny, but offensive, sneering and discriminatory.

Thank you.

Sorry, no. Hugs and kisses, from Log.
approved Oct 23 2003, submitted Aug 10 2003 by Name Withheld, Jon Blyth
Imagine this story being submitted again, only replacing every reference to disabled people with a reference to "pakis". Still funny? Still inoffensive? Bet you wouldn't post it, because taking the piss out of some minorities, like ethnic groups, is not on, whereas taking the piss out of others, disabled people, is still fair game.
Besides, this is basically a story about somebody falling out of a wheelchair, which is hardly Oscar Wilde, is it? And, since 1978, only cunts use the word "mongoloid". It displays a basic lack of education or intellect.
approved Nov 25 2003, submitted Nov 14 2003 by g weaver
Uh...as far as I know, "Pakis", (in either the crap 70's sense of anyone with brown skin, or indeed the US/Australian sense, which is merely an abbreviation for someone from Pakistan, with no racial slur to it at all (talk to an Australian about cricket to hear this first hand "we thrashed the Pakis" etc.)) aren't prone to falling out of wheelchairs. Unless they are disabled in that way themselves, of course.

No one is asking you to find this story funny. It merely reports an incident. Not only does your argument about "pakis" make no sense, but your attempt to take the moral high ground by pointing out (like, wow) the word mongoloid could be considered offensive was utterly negated by your use of the word "cunt." There is a large group of people who would consider that to be misogynist in the extreme. You big hairy twat.
approved Nov 25 2003, submitted Nov 25 2003 by Susan Tobacco
Here follows a counterpoint to the complaints we have received regarding this submission. Obviously, this person is not a spokesperson for the entire disabled community, and as this is the internet, we don't know if they even "really are" a disabled (there may be a give-away in the use of the phrase "step down from my soapbox"*) but they do make an interesting point.

*Oh what a shit joke. Sorry. Um, I only put it in to "test" you. Please don't run over my hands with your wheelchair, if you are one of the wheelchair ones. Xx


Excellent story Ian. As a disabled person nothing angers me more than do-gooders moaning about stories like these. It's hangovers like them that make decisions like having children in wheelchairs pushed at speed on running tracks.

If something is funny and it happened, that's life, live with it, it's the PC society that has been created today by moaning, do-gooder muppets that makes living in the UK today like living in a totalitarian state. Shut your faces and let people live their lives and laugh, life's too f*****g short.
I now step down from my soapbox.
approved Dec 12 2003, submitted Dec 12 2003 by anonymous user
Admin says: And the last word goes to A Ha!. No further commentary on this one, please. It's a good story, and if you don't love it, please take yourself to a ditch and get punch-fucked by a Furby - Log.

As the partner of a wheelchair user, both of us with fine senses of dark humour, I read this out to him as tears of laughter streamed down both our faces. To say that this story isn't funny, is ridiculous. The world has gone PC mad and it is blooming annoying that people feel they have to be upset on the behalf of others. Get a life! If people are upset for the right reasons, they should be the ones who are upset and complaining.

Suggestion for the Olympic Committee - can we make this race into a new sprint/long jump hybrid? Race the fliddy at a ramp with a stopper as fast as you can to get a great result?
I shall now push my partner from the soap box and climb down to pick him up again. :oP
approved Dec 20 2005, submitted Jul 5 2005 by A Ha!
So, I was walking down the road when the fucking funniest thing ever happened: A Teenage girl got stabbed in the face! She fell over bleeding, quite alot, probably to death. I almost pissed myself. What made it funnier was that this girl was a paki! Aaah, Good Times!

Thanks for that Scarlett! Not strictly a playground anecdote, but we do strive to represent the full spectrum of reader opinion.
approved Oct 14 2007, submitted Jan 3 2007 by Scarlett Hedrinks
The Action Man is a great tool for measuring how loved a child is by his parents. Simply tot up the Action Men owned by the child, and refer to this key.
0-1 Action Men : Child is physically / mentally abused. If he has one Action Man, and it is up his arse, he may also be sexually abused, or gay. Also has headlice.
2-3 Action Men, 1 Vehicle : Child escapes the more serious symptoms of neglect, but the house is devoid of love. Divorce may be on the cards, mostly thanks to the stress caused by the financial burden of raising a child. You.
4-5 Action Men, 2+ Vehicles : Average. The child will grow up contented, and have a string of relationships with Russian spies before settling for an obedient plain girl.
6+ Action Men, All Vehicles : Clearly the parents have just died, and the foster parents want to stop him wetting the bed. Either that or the child knows how to play divorced parents off against each other.
approved Oct 19 2004, submitted Oct 19 2004 by Tony Green
Used in response to someone insulting your father, or any other family member, said tearfully and sincerely. The victim would hopefully say "Oh shit, I'm sorry", and then you'd laugh in their face.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ben
With the assistance of a friend, this can also be the punchline to a joke on a third party. Go up to X and tell him to ask Y (your mate) if his dad is still scoring goals for England. Y then responds in the manner suggested. "You bastard, my dad's lost his legs in the war" is a suggested alternative.
Warning : This will only work on children who give a shit. Truly obnoxious children will reply "Good", leaving you with little recourse but to weakly say "Well he isn't anyway, so there".
approved Sep 5 2003, submitted Aug 17 2003 by Peter Piper
Karen asked Adam, innocently enough: "Have you had your hair cut?"
"No" said Adam, "I've got leukemia"
Co-incidentally, so had Karen's brother.
I think she'd just about stopped crying by about lunchtime.
approved Oct 6 2003, submitted Oct 4 2003 by Andy Mansh
Mr Pascoe was (and i think is) a chemistry teacher, and the kind of teacher who was such a natural victim that it made you wonder why on earth he decided to enter the teaching profession. He was known as "Spaz-coe". This was made more pertinent and wrong by the fact one of his children had cerebral palsy.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 8 2003 by Tom De Vecchi
The new name chosen by our maths teacher in the mid 80s when it became apparent that teaching at a secondary school might become problematic with the name Mr Ades.
In our attempts to bring you only the truest stories of playground cruelty, we searched the online phone book for Adeses. London gives a paltry two results. However, they're popping up like Karposi's Sarcoma in Surrey , with a massive dose of 13 Ades. Leeds is Ades-Free for now, but with this many Gays, it's only a matter of time. Lucy Hannaford, our research leads us to believe you. Congratulations!
approved Aug 20 2007, submitted Aug 22 2005 by Lucy Hannaford
A synonym for moodiness or anger, one may be in an adge, or feeling adgey. This becomes a Jaffa Adge, if the rage is particularly pathetic or impotent, such as hurling a rubber four feet across the room.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Sep 29 2003 by Robin Taylor
This is "radge" in newcastle, as in "howay man y'fucking radge", a commonly heard response to being decked for no reason, which happens a lot in newcastle. Cos everyone is pure radge.
approved Oct 31 2003, submitted Oct 25 2003 by dan upright
Particularly effective if coupled with Geordie word for 'man', 'gadgey'.
approved Nov 18 2003, submitted Nov 10 2003 by petrocelli .
Adidas bags can be doctored so that the logo is an acrostic for;
all day I dream about sex
after dinner I do a shit
a dirty indian did a shit
arse dicking is dangerous after supper
For double deedas, try;
a dirty indian did a shit and did it down a sewer
approved Dec 3 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nick Bell, Name Withheld, Bedslug , Jono Wilkinson, Jon Blyth
after dinner I did a shit,
(then backwards)
soon after desert I did another
approved Dec 17 2002, submitted Dec 16 2002 by anonymous user
A dick is dirty after sex
approved Jan 18 2003, submitted Jan 17 2003 by Bdave *
all day I deserve a sexual (rubbing) - this version addresses the underused (R) registered trademark symbol.
approved Feb 5 2003, submitted Jan 29 2003 by anonymous user
a durex is disposable after sex
approved Feb 22 2003, submitted Feb 12 2003 by Sam E
A Dildo Inserted Deeply Adds Stimulation. I was very proud of that one.
approved Apr 22 2003, submitted Apr 14 2003 by anonymous user
Using tippex and black pen:

Adidas= bad ass

Coooooool city, until you say it out loud and it becomes "bad arse." Not quite as sexy.
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Apr 16 2003 by griff .
Then you can do it backwards, and in your dad's apartment...
sex all day in dad's apartment
approved Aug 11 2003, submitted Aug 8 2003 by anonymous user
after diarrhoea I detest anal sex... whether as giver or receiver is left to the imagination.
approved Aug 14 2003, submitted Aug 12 2003 by anonymous user
it's the acronym that keeps on giving:

all day I drink animal spunk
approved Feb 23 2004, submitted Feb 20 2004 by anonymous user
Cheap 4-striped Adidas 'kick' clones. from Woolworths. attempting to disguise them by removing the surplus stripe only resulted in a kicking.
approved Feb 10 2003, submitted Jan 31 2003 by Diving Bastard
Adrian Gombault (cleverly nicknamed Gaydrian Bumjolt) was....
The rest of this entry has been removed, as it frankly couldn't live up to this early promise.
approved Jun 2 2006, submitted Jun 2 2006 by Bruno Teixera
An undiscovered anagram of which is "Bad Anal Rim". Thankfully, no-one found out - I had the piss taken quite enough already.
approved Oct 16 2011, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Adrian Lamb
Similarly, Sam Bruce can be amended to "bum scare". Also, my middle name is Alan. I'd like to encourage other readers with names amenable to anagrammatic bumfoolery to post; perhaps we could start a support group?
approved Jan 18 2003, submitted Dec 30 2002 by Sam Bruce
Ah, well my name is Nick Hunt, which, whilst not forming any anally related anagrams, does provide endless hours of entertainment. Prick Cunt, Dick Cunt, Nick Cunt, Cunt Cunt, you name it, I'll have heard them all. All of them. Every. Single. One.

(You missed "Lick Cunt." Susan xx)
approved Feb 5 2003, submitted Jan 24 2003 by Nick Hunt, Susan Tobacco
Even teachers found it hard not to smirk at Richard Michael "Dick Mike" Hunt.
approved Feb 10 2003, submitted Feb 6 2003 by Dennis McPoodle
Well with mine being Richard William Lowe - Dick Willie Lowe :-(
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Mar 11 2003 by anonymous user
Well, if I must. A few years ago a friend gave out christmas cards with anagrams of everyones names on. The bastich managed to turn Martin Appleton into "Rotten Anal Pimp", for which I am most ungrateful.
approved Mar 18 2003, submitted Mar 18 2003 by Martin Appleton
Also consistently staggering is the inappropriate naming of a child as Richard with certain surnames. Hare, Spray, Spring, Lovatt are just four of the ones I know, and that's not even counting the hilarious Jasper Carrott "Richard Dick aka Double Dick" routine. Yes, I know it's old stuff, but if it's good enough for King Carrott, it's good enough for The Law of the Fucking Playground.
approved Aug 5 2003, submitted Jul 22 2003 by anonymous user
My name's an anagram of "an anal elephant deity", but no-one at school was very interested. They preferred punching my face to engaging in amusing word play.
approved Oct 21 2003, submitted Oct 20 2003 by Nathaniel Tapley
My friend's name was Clint Walker. You've probably already guessed, but with a couple of quick pen strokes, you have Cunt Wanker.
Every school year was a dash to steal his books from his bag, administer these pen strokes, then politely return the books.
approved Dec 4 2003, submitted Nov 19 2003 by anonymous user
My name is Tony Lord. I'm gay. Help.
If they ever develop a way to determine sexuality in the womb, I'm not suggesting that everyone should have the option to terminate their bent baby, just people with the surname Lord. It's not fair on the child.
Oh, and Norton - although that might be locking the stable door after the horse has bolted.

approved Jun 12 2004, submitted Jan 4 2004 by Tony Lord, Jon Blyth
M'lud, the prosecution presents Jenna Taylor.

She sounds suspiciously more like a friend of Betty Swollocks than an actual living, breathing human being, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, counsellor.
approved Oct 27 2004, submitted Oct 17 2004 by Tim Evans
Alan West is an easy anagram of Anal Stew, if you're lucky enough to know an Alan West.
approved Feb 11 2005, submitted Oct 29 2004 by Name Withheld, anonymous user
We had a kid called Richard Sitch. One HILARIOUS prank, that continued right up until leaving for college, was to ring him up in the early hours of the morning and ask "R. Sitch?" then reply to whomever answered "Well scratch it then!"
approved Apr 18 2005, submitted Nov 3 2004 by Nick Parr
I used to know a Mr. Haw who had named his son Nicholas; knickerless whore.
approved Apr 18 2005, submitted Nov 8 2004 by Adam Fletcher
The unfortunately monikered Richard Fromaggio who was universely regaled with the title : "Dick Cheese"
approved Apr 15 2005, submitted Nov 19 2004 by Pob Mcbows
Anne Kerr.
The defacement is obvious, and was swiftly applied every single time she wrote her name
anywhere.
approved Feb 15 2005, submitted Jan 5 2005 by kristkopher wallam
A lad in my Geography class was called "Guy Brewin"... once when he really annoyed both me and a few friends, the name on his book was swiftly changed to "Gay's Brewin A Fart"

Cockfingers says:
I knew this guy once who was called "Jezz Gobbler". Whenever he left the room we would all form a massive conga line singing songs of his heroic deeds. It's only now I realise his name sounds like someone gulping down spunk. Missed a fucking trick there, thinking about it.
approved Oct 9 2011, submitted Jan 6 2005 by cockfingered
A boy at my school was called Paul Hiscock.

Now why would his mum and dad do that? I cannot believe for one minute thay didn't try the two names together at some point before the Christening and go "oh, better not", which means it must have been deliberate. That's nothing short of child abuse in my book.

Matt says:
Could have been worse. They could have called him 'Aaron'.
approved Apr 16 2005, submitted Jan 7 2005 by anonymous user
You like football. Your surname is Kirwan. Ok 'til you score a goal and people start chanting it.
approved Apr 28 2005, submitted Apr 28 2005 by andy kirwan
I knew a lad with a Japanese mum and an English dad. His mum had insisted on giving him a traditional Japanese first name - Ken. His dad's surname was Barlow. I think he'd have had a less miserable time of it at school if he'd been called Chris P. Wanksock.
approved May 3 2005, submitted May 3 2005 by Uncle Squalid
At my brother's school, there was a boy from Singapore called Wee An Yew (the "An" is pronounced "on").
Curiously, no systematic persecution ever took place. Perhaps the name was widely interpreted as a threat.
approved May 12 2005, submitted May 11 2005 by simon mantle
At my school, there was a chap called Ima Cuntrash.
Mansh says:
FOR FUCKSAKE: NO THERE WASN'T.
approved Jan 27 2006, submitted Jan 25 2006 by Captain Crackerjack
This wasn't at school - but at work, I can search for members of my company all over the UK. One otherwise useless afternoon I found the member of our Glasgow branch called, wait for it, William Bellend. I can prove it, too.

Log says:
No need! Just had a quick look myself. Turns out he's moved from Glasgow to Rhyl, where he resides in a half-way house for people with fucking ridiculous names.
approved Oct 16 2011, submitted Oct 8 2006 by Ed McGready
Mr and Mrs Cornell made a crucial decision on the steps of Wembley Register Office. As it was about to close, they decided that Kaye would be an adequate substitution for Faye. Having realised on the bus that 'Faye Cornell' may have been what they said when informed of her imminent existence but that didn't mean it had to be her name for life.
approved Nov 12 2006, submitted Oct 21 2006 by Kaye Cornell