The Law of the Playground
the letter a
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All-encompassing phrase for any bunch of kids sent on a school trip. Used by the most senior teacher, seconds before getting off the coach. Laughably, this is designed to appeal to a sense of school loyalty.
In use; "Now remember, you are ambassadors for the school today so no loutish behaviour."
Some years later, zookeepers in Chessington would say, "Ravensbourne School For Boys? Pah! We received an important diplomatic envoy from that school, and their ambassadors covered our lions in lager."
approved Dec 23 2003, submitted Dec 22 2003 by four foot vauxhall carlton
Our form tutor (in a state comp, not a fancy Latin-speaking grammar school) constantly used the expression "In Loco Parentis". As in "Right sunshine, while your mum and dad aren't here, I'm in loco parentis so if you dick about you'll have me to answer to."

He was ex-army and had a tash, though, so his twattiness was a given, even without the Latin.
approved Aug 9 2004, submitted Dec 22 2003 by Susan Tobacco
Very much like tag, but emphasizing stealth. Everyone on the playground played, whether they realized it or not, whether they wanted to or not. The stalker had to sneak behind someone, push them to the ground and shout 'Ambush!' Should the person survive, they were the new stalker. This game fractured my kneecap.
approved Jan 21 2003, submitted Jan 17 2003 by Joe Weaver
Upon return from 'America', every child would have stories of seeing Indiana Jones part 5, bought Nike Air Max 9 trainers, a copy of Super Mario Bros 7, and the new Hyper Nintendo. Challenging any of these children to bring these in led to the disclaimer 'I left it at my gran's house'.
approved Aug 15 2003, submitted Aug 15 2003 by Richard Swan
For us provicial (read Leicester) bumpkins, Hamleys had a similar enigmatic reputation.
Dean Sadler insisted for at least 6 months that he had an actual ride-in miniature tank purchased from this mythical wonderland. Fully functioning, he could even store caustic chemicals in empty Kinder Egg shells on a special shelf in the turret.
Every time I went round his 2 bed council house and asked to see it, it was being repaired after some spectacular crash or his dad had banned him from using it for a month and had locked it somewhere.
approved Jun 18 2006, submitted Mar 27 2006 by Name Withheld
This might just be for the boys and I'm not sure if this is a recent occurence or a long-running one. I certainly don't remember doing it. Have you listened to young boys (aged 2-4) playing make-believe games recently? I have. Constantly speaking in an extremely poor American accent is perhaps acceptable when the game is "Cops" or "Cowboys" but when I listened in on two lads playing "Garage" with a Southern drawl, I had to ask myself why they bothered.

(No doubt the girls are playing fucking "Starbucks", or "God bothering ignorant warmongers stuffing their fat fucking faces." Susan, who likes most Americans in real life.)
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Mar 25 2003 by Chris Murphy
At the age of around ten my brother and I used a borrowed video camera to make the stultifyingly boring feature-length plot vacuum called The Gun, voiced entirely in American accents. Except for the 'school bully' character, who was a sort of mockney, and wore a waistcoat and bermuda shorts. If he'd had an American accent, it would have just been stupid.
approved Sep 29 2004, submitted Nov 25 2003 by Name Withheld
When someone discovers this book, and manages to get past the relatively slow beginning, delight can be had from reading the filthiest passages (in particular, the famous rodent/vagina incident) to the more shy children. They will generally leave the room by the time he's sliced off the nipples and fucked the decapitated skull.
(Editor's note : Avoid the chapters which go into an in-depth appraisal of the careers of Whitney Houston and Genesis. They will generally not shock.)
approved Feb 25 2003, submitted Feb 18 2003 by Andy Cowling, Jon Blyth
A computer superior in every way to the Atari ST. ST owners would bleat about built-in MIDI ports, but that marked them out as even bigger, sorer losers.
Sadly, their one weak spot, the chink in their armour, was the insertion of a digestive biscuit into the disc drive by a younger brother.
approved Mar 7 2003, submitted Feb 27 2003 by Theo X
Amiga was a great games console, marred only by the pointless inclusion of a keyboard. "Amiga" means girlfriend in spanish, which is the closest most Amiga owners got. Many veteran Amiga owners were so embittered by the experience that it led to blatant trolling of nostalgia sites even to this day.
approved Mar 10 2003, submitted Mar 7 2003 by Steve Carter
When learning the perfect tense in French, our teacher taught us a fantastic method of memorising the 13 most common irregular verbs.
Amsterdam police never rape virgins.
Hairy Sally laughed a lot. Did I mention Hairy Sally? She's all hairy.
approved Sep 29 2004, submitted Jan 23 2004 by Name Withheld
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Jan 21 2004 by Jon Blyth
Apparently it's not gay to have male-male anal sex if you wear a condom. Sounds like someone was in denial.
approved Mar 7 2003, submitted Mar 5 2003 by Phil Deathslitte
For passive partners in gay relationships who wish to avoid being made gay by the experience of constant passive sex, you can avoid being gay by not pushing yourself back onto the penis. Also try not to make too many enjoying-it noises.
approved Oct 8 2004, submitted Mar 1 2004 by anonymous user
Speaking of denial, one ex-friend stunned me - not by casually admitting to having experimented with homosexuality at school - but justifying it to himself by claiming that everyone had. Everyone.
And anyone claiming not to have copped a dong in the gob is therefore more gay than those who did, because they are in denial. Perhaps he was chatting me up.
approved Oct 8 2004, submitted Mar 20 2004 by Jimbo B.
Game created on a 'team building' trip with the rest of our sixth form which involves somebody (in this case Andrew) allowing line of people to poke his face, and slap his cheeks or whatever, until at a random number, andy will release an almighty thwack to the side of that person's head, usually resulting in the person falling down. This is similar to the game 'buckaroo' where you load up a toy horse or something and it kicks out and makes you jump when it's had too much stuff on it or something.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Tombelding
Can be contracted by passing within a few feet of Andy Graham, the poor kid, or by eating custard at school dinners. (Only Andy Graham would eat the stuff, and we assumed it was because he was so poor and didn't have food at home). The only cure was to be wrestled to the ground by a group of kids screaming "NURSE!" and pretending to spray you with aerosol. Sometimes, if the afflicted person was unpopular, nobody would attempt to cure them for fear of contamination themselves. Thus, sat at the back of the class with no mates, when the teacher asked what the matter was, the often tearful child would mutter "I've got the Andy Graham Disease sir".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Steve McDonald
Andy McNally : an oafish lump of a child. His squirrel game : to take a squirrel that he'd found outside his house, take it into a field and repeatedly throw the roadkill as high in the air as possible.
approved Mar 30 2004, submitted Mar 18 2004 by Andy Mansh
Angel's Mum was an older girl in our school. She wasn't my mum, of course, but she was judged enough like her to warrant the nickname.
She died in her sleep the night before an exam, which was absolutely awful. Almost instantly, I was being equally consoled and ridiculed for having a dead mum.
approved Oct 17 2003, submitted Oct 13 2003 by Ponky Ponk
Select a victim who is eating something runny e.g. custard, milk, rice pudding.
Just after he has filled his mouth with food, run past screaming "ANGRY DRAGON!" and slap him round the back of the head.
This will hopefully result in the food coming out of his nose - and when he turns to look at you, he will indeed look just like an angry dragon.
If the food doesn't come out of his nose, you still have the chances that he might reflex-swallow and choke on it, or bite his spoon really hard. He'll still be angry, so it's all good.
approved Jun 1 2005, submitted May 27 2005 by Name Withheld
The name of a mystical pornographical film, in which a man makes love to a chicken, and a woman is taken by a horse. Someone's brother had a copy, of course, but if you all ran around their house, all 200 of you, and piled into their bedroom, they'd have lent it to someone. Someone from another school who was even older, who wouldn't give it back until you'd all found out about WASP, and started singing "I Fuck Like A Beast", and couldn't care less about men shagging chickens anymore. This all seems quite old hat, now that 4 year olds are getting emailed videos of wanking monkeys and men running their heads into an elephant's fanny. Porn just isn't sacred anymore.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
I actually saw this film once, and the thing is, the strange white haired old guy in the film does actually try to insert himself into a chicken, but it doesn't work and he goes and shags a cow instead.
The bit with the eels was the most informative.
approved Dec 16 2002, submitted Dec 16 2002 by Harry Nice
Supposedly owned by my best friend's brother and shown at the big-kid parties. The same big kid parties at which the slutty girls got frozen hot dogs lodged in special places.
Glad to know I'm not the only one who's been searching the local rental racks in vain.
approved Dec 22 2002, submitted Dec 21 2002 by Misty Nuckolls
My mate Pike jumped on a squirrel. He did. It's eyes popped out and everything.

Readers! Have you ever jumped on anything so that it's eyes popped out? My brother once trod on a pregnant gerbil, and apparently her eyes AND babies popped out! Unfortunately, he couldn't say whether the babies' eyes popped out, too. Please! Share your stories of jumping on something so that its eyes pop out - Log
approved Jul 13 2004, submitted Aug 14 2003 by peter taste
Once we found a frog, sitting on a large rock. We were all gathered around admiring the hapless amphibian when Little Fricker produced a claw hammer and smashed the luckless critter right in the back.
Symptoms of frog hammer attack : a wafer thin depression where its back once was, and all of its innards had been jettisonned from its mouth. Eyes, however, remained in their sockets.
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Sep 17 2003 by harry dump
I went fishing with my Nan and my cousin once. I caught a perch, but couldn't get the hook out of it's mouth. With the confidence of the seasoned fisherwoman, my Nan deftly pulled the hook out, bringing with it the eyes and jaw of the rather surprised fish.
She just said 'shit', took her shoe off, smashed the poor little fucker on the head and threw it back in the lake.
The journey home was quiet, and included lots of staring out of the car window.
approved Jul 13 2004, submitted Dec 12 2003 by Harry Nice
My friend accidentally trod on a sparrow as we were walking along the lane to school. Readers may be interested to know that sparrows go 'crunch' and not 'splat'. I didn't look at its eyes.
approved Apr 10 2005, submitted Dec 23 2003 by Name Withheld
Goats will happily eat tiny frogs if they are wrapped up in leaves, greek style.
If you don't have goats around, the only other use for tiny frogs (whose anuses are too small to slip Calypso straws into) is to practice roundhouse kicks by throwing them into the air, and kicking them into a kind of dead dimension as they land.
approved Jun 21 2004, submitted Dec 26 2003 by nicotineman the 3rd
My foster sister had downs syndrome, and being typically affectionate, loved the cat very, very much. So much so, that one day she gave it a gleeful squeeze and it's bot popped out. Don't worry, ladies, the cat lived for many years; just with a very long anus.
approved Apr 11 2005, submitted Mar 2 2004 by Name Withheld
"The Wheels of Death" were quite simply the most efficient killing system employed by anyone since Auschwitz.
1. Gather up as many snails as you can find. A damp school playground is an excellent place to look. A tupperware container is useful to store your molluscy trophies.
2. Find a nearby car that you know will be driven soon. If you're doing this at school, now is an excellent time to take a trip to the teachers' car park.
3. Place the snails all around the tyres of this car. They will conveniently stick themselves to the tyres!
4. Wait. Wait wait wait.
5. The door closes. The engine starts up. The car reverses up to pull out. The first few snails pop satisfyingly, a mere teaser.
As the car slowly drives away, listen to that rhythmic crunch.
That is the sound of death, my friends.
approved Feb 9 2005, submitted Jan 12 2005 by Name Withheld
I used to live near an old mill pond, and occasionally perch would appear, dead in the reedy edges.
Commenting that one of these perch - with its slack, gaping mouth and beady eyes - looked like my friend's mother, I leant in to note the similarities further.
Just as my friend, enraged at this scaled clone's likeness, jumped on it, launching a mixture of shoe dirt and perch guts into my mouth.
So, I can verify that this is what happens when someone jumps on a dead perch. If you are looking into its mouth.
approved Apr 11 2005, submitted Jan 21 2005 by adam slater
Take one of everything with a picture of a skull or some fire on it out of the kitchen, and/or shed. Mix. Put mixture in one of those garden spray containers for misting plants. Spray directly onto spider's webs then poke the middle to make them come scurrying out. Light.
That'll teach the little fuckers for having eight legs and being creepy.
approved Jul 13 2005, submitted May 17 2005 by Gotty Gotty
Baby frogs strike amusing limbs-at-full-stretch "Kate Bush" poses when they jump from ones hand and land delicately into a fresh cup of tea.
approved Jun 24 2005, submitted Jun 5 2005 by anonymous user
My Dad, who being a keen gardener hated slugs, taught me that the best way to kill them was by pouring salt on them. Naturally, I passed this information on to my classmates, and the resultant carnage was worse than the daddy-long-legs genocide which had occurred a few months previously.

Dad, however, quickly tired of wasting good salt on mere molluscs, and was keenly researching new ways of making slugs die. One morning he proudly showed me how far he had managed to shoot a slug's innards after stamping on one end of it. Theyd gone at least a foot.

That day at school, there wasnt an unstamped slug in sight.
approved Aug 18 2005, submitted Aug 18 2005 by Stuart T
A retarded girl.
It was a peculiarity of Anita's retardedness that she got upset very easily. You would only have to say "Hey, Anita!" to get her attention, then say something innocuous, like "It's raining!". This would cause her to scream "It's not!", start crying, and run away.
When I was about seven years old, Anita would have been about fifteen. My friend and I climbed a small flight of stairs to find her standing at the top, with her handler and a teacher (who was congratulating her on how well she was behaving that morning).
I decided that this would be a very good time for her to go mong in the head, so I yelled "Hey Anita... YOU HAVE NEW SHOES ON!"
Normally she would have said "I DO NOOOOT", cried, and run away. This time, however, she picked me up, bellowed in my face, then threw me down the stairs.
Funny folk, these mingmongs.
approved Oct 13 2004, submitted Oct 13 2004 by Hannah Peterson
In the late 80's there was a weekly, Captial radio phone-in about personal/sexual problems. It featured self-appointed sexagonal-aunt Anna Raeburn, and a Doc. Essential listening for all 16 year olds eager to learn about loving relationships, Or the eye-watering ins and outs of butterballing.
One night, Adam Wright was the anonymous caller. After the tragic death of his mother, his dad was forcing him to do the housework. Wearing her frocks and perfume.
As things worsened, he was urging young Adam to pay particularly close attention to the bedroom. In order to show him some fundamentally incorrect love.
Adam was gulping and fighting back tears throughout, and so moving was the concern of Anna and the Doc, that Adam didn't have the heart to tell them - even when his mother called him down for tea - that they'd just been fished in by a fuck-minded teenager.
The TDK D90 containing this conversation was a treasured artefact for many weeks.
approved Jun 8 2004, submitted Feb 5 2004 by anonymous user
A crowd chant to sing along with acoustics from banging on your lockers to welcome the years ugliest minger through the doors at break. After a while, thanks to a form of short term nostalgia, this is still fun even when Anne Marie isn't there.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Suzy
Song about Anne, sung to the tune of 'Consider Yourself' from 'Oliver':
Anne fingers herself,
At home.
Anne fingers herself,
In front of the family.
She wanked off a horse,
At the farm.
Its clear,
Didn't do any harm.

Not to be confused with 'Annie's Song' by John Denver. In THAT one she wanks off a pony.
approved Jan 1 2006, submitted Dec 30 2005 by anonymous user