The Law of the Playground
the letter a
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At 12, I was in love with her, and everyone knew it. But she had an on/off relationship with Duncan Keeling.
Out of pure, wretched sympathy for me, she gave me a peck on the cheek for my birthday, pausing just long enough to look for a clear patch of skin that wasn't covered in adolesent acne.
It still hurts now.
approved Apr 22 2005, submitted Apr 26 2004 by Daniel Russell
An alternate name for the windowlickers who often have their special lessons in an annexe. The mong migration can be observed with an Attenborough-esque sobriety.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rob Jones, Jon Blyth
The Scotsman newspaper always ran a story each year about the ranking of all secondary schools in Scotland. It took into account performance and attendance, and also had a section on facilities. When I read the bit about my school, I saw that we had a pony club. Did we fuck.
approved Oct 19 2005, submitted Oct 17 2005 by Laura Smithard
Song sang to greet Mrs Keates back to school after a lengthy absence, during which her father died. Her mother died 6 months previous.
approved Mar 13 2003, submitted Mar 11 2003 by Name Withheld
Our foul German teacher was in the habit of leaving her dogs in her Volvo estate in the playground car park for protracted periods. No-one was surprised when one of them finally succumbed on a particularly humid summer's day.

The following day she had organised some role-playing GCSE scenarios, one of which involved being in a cafe and ordering food.

So it was perfectly legitimate for the resident classhole to declare: "Ich mochte ein Hot Dog"...
approved Sep 22 2003, submitted Sep 22 2003 by Phil Jeffcott
Said, slackmouthed and emotionlessly, in reply to patently unfunny joke/remark. Preceded by: Oh. Ha ha.
approved Dec 20 2003, submitted Dec 18 2003 by Andy Mansh
Any question on any exam can easily be answered with "Only smarties have the answer." The triumph of this art undoubtedly came when my mate and I translated the phrase into German and wrote it for every question we couldn't do in our german GCSE - which was probably such a high proportion of the exam mainly because we spent our lessons looking up things like "Only smarties have the answer," on reflection.
approved Nov 18 2003, submitted Nov 13 2003 by Blort Snart
Similarly, my friend Sam and I, for some reason, spent nearly an entire French lesson translating the theme to the Wombles.
Sous la terre, sur la terre, Womblant libre
Les Wombles de Wimbledon Common sommes nous
Faisant bon usage des tous choses que nous trouvons
Les choses qui les flics laissent aux leurs drrieres

Wombler of course is the French verb meaning to Womble. eg. Je Womble, tu Wombles, ils Wombleunt etc...

According to Mr. Kayes, the last line of this song actually goes on to mention the "things that the cops leave in their bottoms." Thanks for pointing this out, Speedwolf. Have a peanut. - Ponky
approved May 9 2005, submitted Apr 28 2005 by Name Withheld
The many variations on the Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dream Coat song "Any Dream Will Do" (Or, "I Did a Huge Poo") (Or, "Im a Mass-ive Jew"-Susan).

Must also be accompanied by a child choir, so the song will go thus:
"I closed my eyes (I closed my eyes)
Walked into a table (Aaah aah)
Now I'm disabled (ah aah)"
The song tended to end there.
approved Apr 24 2003, submitted Apr 3 2003 by Kat Bax
#I closed my eyes, drew back my foreskin
To see for certain, what I though I knew.
There was a yeast, and the skin was breaking
My bell-end's aching, any cream will do.#
approved Nov 10 2003, submitted Nov 6 2003 by Dave Hobson
Previously, the only kids who got to watch a film in the main hall were the big ones going to secondary school the next September. So when we were told we were watching a film that afternoon, we reckoned it was the sex-education one we had been discussing since moving from infants to juniors (specifically discussing if there were willies in it or not). But it wasn't. It was a farm safety film, the action cutting between between a bunch of Childrens Film Foundation types playing hide-and-seek on a farm, and a crying mum making a party tea. Except the playing kids all died one by one (one drank weedkiller by accident, one drowned in silage, one got run over by a tractor) and mum was getting ready for a wake. It put us all right off willies.
approved Feb 5 2003, submitted Feb 1 2003 by anonymous user
We saw this video in rural Somerset and there was a rumour that there was an urban version which took place on a building site. We asked the teacher if he could get hold of it, but I don't think he wanted to encourage us.

Apaches ended with a scene where the last kid to die attended his own funeral in spirit form. The added to the fear of the farmyard the less tangible, but more nightmare inducing, fear of a strange and infinite afterlife where you specifically haunted the dung stinking back stairs of your family farmhouse intoning 'I wish I was there, oh yes, I wish I was there' like a phantom from Scooby Doo.
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Apr 1 2003 by Name Withheld
I have seen the Building site version mentioned above. Can't remember much about it apart from a shoe with a bit of foot in it. Scary.
approved Oct 3 2003, submitted Sep 25 2003 by Jim Bo
Take a look over here if you want to get hold of this and other scary-sounding safety information films.

Why not get the family round to watch the vaguely-titled "I think I need to use an isotope?" Or baffle at the rather gay "Don't tell the lads" and "Mind your back!"
approved Dec 10 2003, submitted Oct 11 2003 by Name Withheld
We were shown the building site version of this film at our primary school. A small boy ran onto a building site after his dog, and was killed in several gory ways. He was being watched by a couple of speccy kids in a spaceship, who would bring him back to life after each death. Of particular note is his death after being run over by a truck; "time is money to these machines" declares the narrator, implying that it isn't that they won't see you - they just won't care.

I was scarred for life by this bastard film.
approved Jun 21 2004, submitted May 8 2004 by Siobhan Morris
"Go ape shit", to spazz-out, have a benny, throw a wobbler. Extreme versions include "ape shit crazy on all fours" (Stephen Fry) and "ape shit on toast".
approved Dec 20 2002, submitted Dec 19 2002 by s field
A word used in science, and PE. And no-where else in the world.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ben Austwick
In my school 'the apparatus' consisted of a pull-out set of bars, beams and rings that folded flat to the wall of the hall. Towards the end of term, as a treat we would be instructed to 'get the apparatus out'. The length of time it took to assemble meant that only a few minutes of play were possible.
approved Jun 13 2007, submitted Dec 26 2006 by hongdo gaypants
A less macho name for multi-million selling album "Appetite For Destruction".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan
In lieu of a see-saw, we had a big plastic bowl thing, which wobbled around on the ground when filled with children, like a giant weeble.
When inverted, it resembled a giant pie crust. It was therefore a logical step for myself and various misanthropic cohorts to carry it around the playground, trapping unsuspecting children beneath it, climbing on top and hammering on it with our fists, all the while shouting "APPLE PIE! APPLE PIE!"

This sounds way more fun than a crappy see-saw. Hats off to that local education authority - Conor

approved May 10 2005, submitted May 5 2005 by Ross Gillson
Unfortunate but generally OK history and politics teacher, whose name, as Richard Beddoes once noted, sounded like a fart in the bath.
(This reminds me of Robert Newman's nostalgic entry in the Mary Whitehouse Experience Encyclopaedia, in which a butler called Waddle was accidently summoned to his master's bathroom with a hot water bottle, after the master farted in the bath. When the master questioned his butler, Waddle replied "I distinctly heard you say What about a water bottle, Waddle". Christ almighty, I'm having nostalgia about other people's nostalgia, now. I hope, one day in 2018, someone fondly recalls this paragraph. - Log)
approved Dec 6 2004, submitted Nov 29 2004 by Spooky Dougal
The tube of a cotton reel neatly accommodates a pencil. Loop a thick elastic band over the bobbin (fnuff!), pull back the rubber (phraa!), and you can fire the pencil out at puncturing speeds.
If the idea of launching a sharpened pencil into someone's face and eye causes you some concern, simply launch the entire school pencil supply into a polystyrene ceiling.
If anyone asks where you got a ladylike thing such as a cotton reel, answer "I stole it off a gay". If they ask why you are stealing things from gays, reply "to better know mine enemy".
approved Nov 29 2005, submitted Aug 18 2005 by anonymous user
Another way of calling your friends gay. Originates from our headmaster - Mr Archer - who was apparently caught bumming off another man in some public toilets.
approved Feb 5 2003, submitted Jan 21 2003 by Scott Anderson
If you ask someone whether they are a benny tied to a tree, they will generally reply "no". This will give you the opportunity to run away, screaming at the top of your voice, "BENNY ON THE LOOSE!"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Slim Jim
The highest possible accolade a teacher can bestow upon one of their pupils. The only possible answer is of course "yes", which may result in the reward of expulsion from the class. Sometimes, braver teachers will offer an invitation to 'entertain the class then'. Of course if you are truly successful in entertaining the class this to will result in being expelled from the classroom.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Les
Another version is the famous "why don't YOU come up and teach?", directed at the chattering kid. also there was the "Would you like to share that with the rest of the class?"
The only response was the mumbled "mmm no miss sorry miss mmmmmm" unless you took the opportunity to say something rude, like, "we were talking about sex."

Ker-lassic.
approved Mar 20 2003, submitted Mar 19 2003 by Name Withheld
...was the favourite witicism of damaged child-hater Mr MacDowall.

I am, in fact, a comedian now, but I feel that going through the Poole/Bournemouth phone book looking up all the T Macdowalls and shouting "Ha! Yes I am actually" would say more about me than him.

Just broadcast it on the internet then, love. There's a pet. - Jamie.
approved May 19 2006, submitted May 8 2006 by Cherry Green
Quote by some wacky-toothed Gail Tilsley look-a-like in "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe". This was asked of Julia Hwyll Jones everyday on account of her crowded gums, and was funny up to and including the very moment she had all her teeth knocked back into her head in a car crash. Considering her accident, we repeated the same phrase, but with a lot more lisping and spitting.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Al McEwan
The similarity between "homo sapien" and "homosexual" can, in limited circumstances, be used to gain sensational confessions from classmates. Brings a whole new meaning to class outings! [wipes tear from eye]
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Robert
Every Poppy Day the local branch of apprentice cannon-fodder, the army cadets, would be on parade in our school Assembly. They had to stand facing the school in their hot and sweaty army uniforms for half an hour while we got lectured on remembrance. We whiled away the time placing bets on which cadet would faint first; at least one was guaranteed to collapse each year. Extra points were gained if he bent his trumpet or shat himself.
approved Mar 29 2003, submitted Mar 20 2003 by Matt Fasham