The Law of the Playground
the letter a
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Being named Arran Bees would usually be considered sufficient grounds for a thorough and protracted bullying, yet the impossibly-named Mr Bees also had the gall to possess a pair of knobbly knees - which rhymes.
approved Feb 2 2004, submitted Jan 23 2004 by Mouse Harden
If you stand on a nick, you will marry a brick, and a beetle will come to your wedding.
approved Mar 9 2003, submitted Mar 8 2003 by John Cheetham
Associative device used primarily to link an unsuccessful caricature to the name of the intended lampoonee, in situations where the talents of the caricaturist are insufficient to render the drawing recognisable on its own merits. If that sounded like a crock of shit, try the masterclass.
approved Dec 12 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The caption of a grisly doodle or the cry accompanying a re-enactment of an excruciatingly painful demise. Represents "Arrrgh Pain!" interrupted by death.
approved Feb 9 2005, submitted Dec 12 2004 by anonymous user
Said to put the willies up someone who has broken the rules. The "arrrrrrrr" is followed by the name, form, and any other identifying details of the transgressor, followed by a brief description of the naughtiness and moral judgment from the speaker. Can be within earshot of a teacher. For instance, "arrrrrrrr, Jonathan Lee Blyth, 2C1, of 108 Weaverthorpe Road, you're sniffing glue, that's so naughty". I did get told off for sniffing glue, with two friends. We were sniffing a fucking Pritt Stick. However, between the girl who saw us and said "arrrrrrrr", the form teacher, and the headmaster, that crucial detail was forgotten. The headmaster showed us pictures of a dead boy.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
When not in earshot of a teacher, "arrrrrrrrr", or it's regional variation "aaaaaaaahhhhhh" is followed by "I'm getting you duuuuun!" and ostentatious teacher-hunting gestures.
Getting "done" was my mortal fear for most of primary school.
approved Jan 18 2003, submitted Jan 15 2003 by Peter Marshall
"Am." A Lincolnshire variation on 'arrrrrrrr' and 'ummmmmmmm.'
approved Feb 5 2003, submitted Jan 29 2003 by Bobs Meryll
Errrrmmmmmmmmmmmmm or errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr being the midlands variation as far as i know. Can also be repeated many times quickly (and prolonging the 'erm' for different lengths of time to emphasise, in a kind of spastic morse code, exactly how naughty the other child has been) so you tend to get something like ermermerrrrmermermermmmmmmmmmmm. In cases of extreme wrongdoing, you might need more than one lungful in this case, ask a friend to take the baton towards the end of your ermemreermermm, while you pause for air. In this way, a perpetual emememeeemrremrmmer may be maintained without any real effort.
approved Feb 25 2003, submitted Feb 11 2003 by Louise Jenkins
The north eastern version of this was "eeeeeeh".
During playtime at infant school, a girl said this to Crazy Shaun, who promptly punched her in the face and fled the school grounds - we never did find out what he'd been doing to prompt the "eeeeeeh" it probably wasnt as serious as punching a girl in the face then going AWOL.
approved Mar 10 2003, submitted Mar 1 2003 by dan upright
There is also the "Just You Wait Cha Cha Cha", which goes;
Just you wait, cha-cha-cha.
Just you wait, cha-cha-cha.
Just you wait, cha-cha-cha.
.
Repeat to tears.
approved Apr 28 2003, submitted Mar 26 2003 by Pob Mcbows
Eeeesh! is the newcastle variation, not to be confused with errrrr! - a cry of disgust.
approved Nov 18 2003, submitted Nov 13 2003 by Joe Flynn
This version of arrrrrrrr is followed up with an identically-drawled "bar-barrrrrr". We did this because we thought a "bar-barrrrrr" was a poo. Curiously, so did all the teachers, who wasted no time in royally bollocking us if they heard someone saying it. This of course led to a cyclic form where someone would do something bad, someone else would say "arrrrrrrr bar-barrrrrr" to them, then everyone else would turn to that person and say "arrrrrrrr bar-barrrrrr", and then to each other, and so on and so forth. Mass hysteria, particularly in the heavily-regimented and dinner-lady-policed lunch queues, would often result.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 14 2002 by Doc
Yes, yes, thankyou. We hope you're feeling VERY ASHAMED now.

(Sent in by RL M, judged by Susan.)
approved Jul 10 2003, submitted Jul 7 2003 by RL M, Susan Tobacco
The time-honoured 'giving somebody a sweet that has previously been inserted in your arse' trick had become so tired, that no one would ever accept a sweet from our gang. Then one day, we came up with this variation.
The boiled sweet was passed around a group of about nine of us, all of whom rubbed it around inside our cracks before it was carefully rewrapped. The next person that walked into the room was subsequently invited to participate in a beautifully choreographed game of 'scrambles'.
Havoc followed and the sweet changed hands many times before the victim finally emerged triumphant, and with a bummy, shit-flavoured sweet in his mouth. He genuinely believed that we wanted that sweet - I still remember the look of pride on his face at having won.
approved Apr 24 2005, submitted Nov 10 2003 by anonymous user
From the phrase 'about as much use as a one-legged man at an arse-kicking party' which still makes me laugh.
The concept of an arse-kicking party thus established, the cry of "arse kicking party" was made as a announcement of - and justification for - an assault on Matthew Moore.
approved Dec 20 2002, submitted Dec 18 2002 by Julian Burnell
Any sentence beginning with "I said" can be adjusted, with only minor tinkering, to sound like "Arsehead". This is, of course, funny. Arsehead!
However, if your friend doesn't quite hear you saying "four quid", a golden window opens, and you can say "arsehead fuckwit". This is such a rare occurence, that you should celebrate by running around your victim six times, pulling an imaginary trucker's chain, and going "HOOOONK".
approved Apr 14 2005, submitted Nov 3 2004 by anonymous user
Sung in the dinner hall between courses:

Arsehole, arsehole, a soldier I shall be,
To piss, to piss, two pistols at my knees,
Fuck you, fuck you, for curiosity,
Fight for my cunt, fight for my cunt, fight for my counnnnn-tryyyyyy.


Caused many a detention. I wonder why?

An alternative ending was "Fight for the Queen's cunt, fight for the Queen's cunt, fight for the Queen's cunt-ree". Some people think that this scans better and is funnier because it's got the Queen's cunt in it. It's all a matter of perspective, really.
approved Nov 11 2005, submitted Sep 29 2005 by anonymous user
Should the present Monarch pass away, this song will not be rendered obsolete. Simply switch your allegiance to the new head of state by changing the last two lines to:

"Fucking and cunt, Fucking and cunt, Fucking and Cunt-er-ee!"
And thus a new generation gets to savour the taste of illicit playground swears.
approved Dec 5 2005, submitted Dec 2 2005 by anonymous user
One sunny afternoon, Sean Gardner was experimenting with a magnifying glass. He began to focus the sun's rays on the sleeve of our French teacher's jacket and within seconds, the garment began to smoulder. Noticing that his sleeve was somewhat on fire, he cried out, "What on earth do you think you're doing, boy?"
Sean had to think of an explanation, and he had to think fast. "I'm setting fire to your jacket, sir". Amazingly, he escaped punishment.
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Nov 3 2004 by Joe Hutcheon
"I might get stoned, just for the inspiration" was what I heard one girl say to another before a practical art exam, obviously thinking that some cannabis would be just the thing to induce an 'art trance' and allow her to produce a work of complex, challenging psychedelia.

Well, the world was obviously not ready for her, as she ended up getting kicked out for attempting to spit paint at the canvas. Whether she was high or not remains a mystery.
approved Dec 17 2005, submitted Dec 14 2005 by Gareth Thomas
Arty Farty had a party,
all the farts were there.
Tutti Fruity done a beauty,
and they all went out for air.
Not well received by infant school teachers who like to think that young children are unaware of the air that often slides noisily and surprisingly out of their arses. Even if it does fit the brief of "tell the class a poem you have recently learned".
approved Jul 13 2004, submitted Apr 24 2004 by Mistress Bunny
During our production of 'African Jigsaw', it was not uncommon for assemblies to be gently interrupted by scarily-realistic papier-mache zebra heads peering inquisitively around the curtain.
approved Sep 11 2003, submitted Sep 6 2003 by Alexander Po
I swear someone said this to me as a comeback to a "your momma" joke but to this day I have no clue what he meant...
approved Jan 18 2003, submitted Jan 16 2003 by anonymous user
Ah yes. I've heard this one, and I'm across the bloody ocean. I think it meant that one dad buggered the other, and the other buggered the wall, which then became pregnant. Variations included two dads, a water buffalo, and a hole in the wall. The hole was also replaceable with an electric socket.
approved Oct 3 2003, submitted Sep 24 2003 by Name Withheld
I'm more inclined to think that this is a reference to the gay phenomenon of glory holes, where gay man stick their willies through holes in toilet walls and another man hops on in whatever fashion he fancies. Sometimes there are drawings around glory holes that make it look like your willy is an anteater's nose. This isn't very erotic for the man who is sucking it off, so he might put his bum on it instead.
This is how I understand glory holes, by Log.
approved Oct 11 2003, submitted Oct 9 2003 by Jon Blyth
Arises from the magnificent birthday poem written to celebrate Jamie Hutchison's birthday. It went as follows: "Today's the day Your dad is gay But don't be sad Lick some girl's pad." This gave rise to the saying "At least my dad's not gay", which could win you an argument when reason - as it so often does - fails. Alarming fact: it was Jamie's 16th birthday.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
'Yeah, well you're ugly and your mum dresses you funny' was a popular retort to the pronoucement that your dad is gay. The small yet significant flaw is that it does not of course deny that your dad is a homosexualist, but in fact almost seems to confirm it.
approved Apr 13 2005, submitted Nov 26 2004 by anonymous user
Irrelevant but effective comment that can alter the swing of an argument radically. Diddy : You're not very good at the High Jump. Log : Well, at least my mum's not in a wheelchair. Diddy's mum was in a wheelchair, by the way. Low.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Nah, but you soon fuckin' will be was the retort, followed by the kthudkthudkthud noise that only a pupil cartwheeling down the flag stone stairs can make.
Happy days indeed.
approved Mar 19 2003, submitted Mar 17 2003 by anonymous user
What Lisa shouldn't have said to the girl in our class who's younger sister had a deformed jaw, unless she genuinely wanted to make her cry all afternoon and be sent home.
approved Aug 25 2004, submitted Dec 29 2003 by Ponky Ponk
A very imposing nun who ruled the entire school, and was rumoured to be the controlling power of the blue nun that rode the art room's horse mural through the attic at night.
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Apr 9 2003 by The Wolfbagger