The Law of the Playground
the letter b
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Credit must be given to Dov Skipper for his valiant efforts to avoid the dreaded BCG jab.
As we all remember, there was an initial jab which would inflame should the antibodies in question already be in place. For a fortunate few, this meant no actual BCG.
Dov came up with the idea of artificially inflaming his test jab. So he spent a week attacking the test spot on his wrist with an arsenal of pencils, drawing pins, fingernail etc. The result was not so much an inflamation as a gaping Richey Manic style lesion.
The nurse wasn't convinced that he was already super-immune, and that his massive trauma was the product of really fucking kick-ass antibodies.
approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Sep 23 2003 by Phil Jeffcott
After receiving his BCG, Duncan Horn proudly declared, "now I can't get arachnophobia".
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 9 2003 by Name Withheld
In certain circles (such as the US Military), B.C.G. stands for birth control glasses, referring to the thick lensed and framed specs that could prevent most anybody from being pulled. Nerd Glasses.
approved Dec 11 2003, submitted Nov 7 2003 by anonymous user
"You can't hit me on my BCG," declared my younger sister confidently, "it's too small."
I fucking could. First try. YES.
approved Aug 12 2005, submitted Aug 11 2005 by Alana S
Geography class with Mr Pickering was always full of anticipation and excitement, as we tried to predict just when and why Dean would be thrown out of class.
During BCG week he managed to top all his previous efforts (swearing, fighting, general arsing about) by eating his BCG scab. Although I still almost vomit at the thought of it, it made a change from oxbow lakes.
approved Sep 25 2005, submitted Aug 24 2005 by Unknowing Village Girl
On the morning of our BCG, a huge mass panic was caused by the rumour that Jemma Holt had tensed her arm muscles mid-injection and snapped off the needle. Later versions of the story included the nurse being forced to remove the broken end with a pair of pliers. This caused a wave of hyperventilation, tears and fainting affecting around a third of the year, who all had to be laid out on mats in the gym until they had calmed down.

Not from an inner city comprehensive, then. They're all used to the sight of needles these days thanks to incredible amounts of intravenous drug use. According to Francis Bloody Gilbert, anyway. - Matt.
approved Jun 13 2007, submitted Dec 26 2006 by hongdo gaypants
The victim (let's call him Ian, for argument's sake, it was always an Ian) would be asked "Do you have a BHI?"

A positive reply would be met with the ear-splitting declaration "Ian has a baldy half-incher!"

Negative replies would be met with the slightly less offensive "What, so you don't have a big hairy invader?" On the whole, we preferred the positive response.
approved Nov 3 2011, submitted Nov 3 2011 by anonymous user
Mr. Badman, our games teacher, not only had a glass eye, but was devoted to the talent of Billy Joel. One afternoon's games session was called off due to a mix of rain and apathy on our parts, and we were forced to pack into the Biology Lab and watch Billy Joel's greatest hits on video for over an hour. Despite offerering to run laps in the rain in our pants, we were forced to sit and watch this sickening filth until our brains poured out our noses.
approved Dec 16 2002, submitted Dec 15 2002 by Karma Assassin
I went to school at what was the sad, tattered, skull-fucked remains of a Christian Brothers school, and Brother Kelly was the head. The only one of that paedophile clique still around... He used to walk around whistling, a huge fat fucker of a man, he was. When I was 12, our teacher wasn't teaching us enough, so we got BK every Tuesday instead. He'd drag you out to the front of the class for Maths all morning. If you got a question wrong, you got punched. If you were in his way as he went to punch a student, you got punched. If you got a few questions wrong, you'd have your head smashed into a wall. He also had a strap. And a banana.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Stephen Bray
A factual inaccuracy here: B.K. could not actually whistle, but it never stopped him trying.

Also, Stephen Bray ran like a girl.
approved Aug 9 2004, submitted Dec 22 2003 by P R Nelson
Being fortunate enough not to land in dear Brother Kelly's form class, I heard only rumours of what went on. But one thing we all saw was a plastic banana. Like a dog's toy. Lying on his desk. He used to staple it. Full of staples it was. I don't know why. I don't want to.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Stephen Bray
Yeah, that was my banana. It was actually a banana-shaped biro. Very realistic it looked too. He also confiscated a cycling cap I got given by some American friends. Not available over here, that. My mum assured me that he wouldn't confiscate either item permanently. Nice one Ma. Still no novelty bananapen, nor exclusive cycling cap.
approved Jan 6 2004, submitted Dec 22 2003 by P R Nelson
If you did something wrong that didn't merit an extra five pages of the dreaded Two Grade, you got the strap. Simple. Six times across each hand with something that no-one ever did describe. My friend had it done to him because he kicked a girl in the shins after she'd stolen our entire collection of helicopter leaves. There was supposed to be a gang you could join at the main school which consisted entirely of people who'd been strapped. Like a bondage Mile-High club. It didn't exist. Lying fuckers.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Stephen Bray
A smelly person. You don't have to be huge and black, but it helps.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by No Thanks
Someone who has been circumcised. Effective, because people generally wonder what the hell the person's getting at. The punchline, "I've been cut off", generally pleases.
approved Dec 3 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Stands for Big Tits. Requires two participants and a big titted girl. One boy shouts "beeee... teeee..", the other runs up to punch the tits and shouts "Cellnet!"
Then both parties run away, because punching girls in the tits gives them cancer.
approved Mar 29 2003, submitted Mar 27 2003 by anonymous user
Someone who is too poor to have a phone and so has to use pay phones. Feel free to add that the phonebox is actually their home.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Pete
"Breaker Breaker 10-4-10-4-John Wayne Payne"

Potentially the World's Longest nickname. Now there's a challenge...

John Payne was our Form Binner. The one who endured shouts of Gyp-Gyp-Gyp-Gypo! everytime anyone saw him. But, in that way that only happens at school, his life was defined by one careless statement in Second Year French.
Ms. Bissesseur, whom everyone fancied, was trying to teach us numbers in French, and so, sensibly decided to have the class recite their 'phone numbers. Not a bad idea, you would think.
This went swimmingly until we got to John. John told us he didn't have a phone, which would have been fair enough had he left there. But John decided to tell us that instead, he had a CB. Trevor Corrigan started up with 10-4, 10-4 John, and that was it for John. I don't remember where the Wayne came from. Just because John Wayne was one letter away from Payne, and because somehow saying John Wayne Payne in that 'Joey Deacon' way was somehow funnier. Made more so because one so unlike John Wayne you could not hope to meet.
Probably not the funniest story ever, but saying Breaker Breaker 10-4 10-4 John Wayne Payne still makes me laugh.
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Mar 13 2003 by Ian Dogherty
Babb listened to Radio 4 and collected stamps. Despite this, his fate was only sealed the day he missed the bus on the sixth form university open-day trip.
Instead of running, or walking off swearing, Babb, chose to skip contentedly behind the bus. He only fucking skipped. For long enough for everyone to see.
Subsequently, when you had a conversation with him, there were people queuing up to do a Babb behind his back. From that day, Babb was cursed to never have another conversation with anyone who wasn't laughing at something that wasn't quite him.
approved Jun 19 2004, submitted Apr 24 2004 by anonymous user
Baby Babylon was the name Andrew Karkutt gave to an appealing BusyBody character. BusyBodies were like chunkier, friendlier Lego people, with infinitely more convincing hats. Baby Babylon became the mascot for a range of cleaning products, which involved shouting "there's shit in my trousers" then whispering "Baby Babylon"

He was later joined by The Poo With The Flaxen Hair, who had this theme tune;

The Poo with the Flaxen Hair,
The Poo with the Flaxen Hair,
They seek him here, they seek him there,
The Poo with the Flaxen Hair.


Then there was Megaslap, just about the only thing I could draw. Here they are, the pricks.
approved May 16 2003, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Abusive chant directed at me by class bullies for daring to wear an iron on "Fighting Fantasy" transfer on my jumper. The chanting started in a normal voice, but was gradually replaced by a mock-spastic voice and finally stopped altogether when one of my tormentors decided it would in fact be a better idea to spit on me.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dominic Sutton
A name for us, the cool kids, whose coolright it was to occupy the back seats of any bus. This right was defended with violence and intimidation, when necessary.
It is only with hindsight that I realise that it sounds more than a little gay.
approved Nov 24 2003, submitted Nov 10 2003 by Chris Coman
Back in our first year of school, we formed a football team and challenged anyone who thought they were hard enough to come and have a go.
We were from Bulwell, in Nottingham, so we devised a catchy and tough name for ourselves; the Bulwell Bandits.
No one took up the challenge, and the Bulwell Bandits never played a game. Probably for the best.
approved Oct 11 2004, submitted Feb 27 2004 by the mysterious watters
To allow the liquid from a can or bottle to re-enter the vessel, complete with some of your own saliva. The soft drink equivalent of bumkissing a spliff. Backwashing led to the often repeated statistic that the last 10% of any can of coke is 50% saliva. Plainly bollocks, as not everyone is a scabby backwashing bronno.
approved Feb 4 2003, submitted Jan 23 2003 by Daniel Ward, Jon Blyth
Also called spit backs, for plainly obvious reasons, you idiot.
approved Feb 25 2003, submitted Feb 8 2003 by blee anne
Also known as a backflush, often abbreviated in usage to a simple flush.
For example, "you lousy fucking shit, you've flushed me can".
approved Apr 28 2003, submitted Apr 8 2003 by Pim Pimma
Mrs Pocklington's breath was so bad that no one dared ask her for help. If you were foolish enough to ask for help, she would come over to you and breathe her foetid stench breath of rotted shit and dead animals over you until you died. Or spewed. Or spewed then died.
We all failed History that year.
approved Oct 25 2005, submitted Oct 14 2005 by Cookie
If a bully from the year above is amusing himself during a quiet lunch break by repeatedly banging you head on the ground, it is a Bad Idea to press your head against the ground to stop him lifting it up again.
He will stamp on it instead.
approved Nov 29 2005, submitted Oct 17 2005 by Bitching Pedant
I don't know why we hated David Baddiel so much, but it was enough for us to invent this marvellous game. Basically, you run as fast as you can towards your victim, shout BADDIEL, loudly and then push them over.
approved Sep 20 2006, submitted Sep 8 2006 by Richie Jones
During a biology lesson, Derek Parker claimed there was a badger sett in the woods close to his home, so the teacher organised a field trip to study it.
Early on a Saturday morning several young boys duly arrived at the woods near Parker's house with a camera to take photographs of the badgers.
Naturally, the sett couldn't be found, and it was suspected that, much like Parker's uncle who built a talking robot, the whole thing had been a figment of the boy's imagination.
Getting everyone up early on a Saturday to participate in a fictious extra-curricular activity should have been sufficient grounds for a beating, but when the film in the camera was developed, it transpired that Parker had sneaked off with it and used it to take photographs of his cock.
approved Mar 11 2004, submitted Jan 27 2004 by Bob McBride
If your English teacher is named Mrs Bagnall, and she is a right cow, then you can use this "sneeze" to excellent effect.
approved Dec 17 2002, submitted Dec 17 2002 by Phil Glansvile
In 1973, Gary Glitter's "I'm the leader of the gang, I am" was number 1 in the charts. To commemorate this event, Peter Bagnall's mom bought him a black bomber jacket and embroidered the words 'I'm the leader of the gang' on the back in big red joined up letters. The irony was that Bagnall was the snot kid of class 3B and was leader of no gang at all.
approved Mar 10 2003, submitted Feb 27 2003 by anonymous user