The Law of the Playground
the letter b
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A bad thing to admit to liking, especially if you are a teacher, as in this (true) snippet of an upper sixth lesson. Mr Wymbs: "You should always try everything in life." Pupil: "I think I'll give buggery a miss sir!" Mr Wymbs: "Oh, I don't know.." Cue silence.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Derfel
An enormous deposit left in the boys loo, no doubt by one of the builders working at the school at the time. Upon discovery every boy in the class would ask to go to the toilet in turn and return with a huge grin on their face. The teacher, on wondering what was so interesting in the boys loos went to investigate and was lumbered with the job of trying to flush the offending item.
approved Jul 23 2003, submitted Jul 14 2003 by Mr Coxy
TV advert jingle composed in a music lesson by school musical geniuses Tim Marlowe, Alex Tigh and metal type Andy Gibblin. It went as follows. Singer A: Do you like bulbous beans? Singer B: Yes, I like bulbous beans. Singers A+B: So come along and get some bulbous beans! Cue jazz bongo drum solo, which continued until the teacher stopped it. A sublime and oft copied music moment.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Name Withheld
The two most laddish lads in our year were Alastair and Mark (whose surnames I can't bring myself to reveal as I'm still a bit scared of them - old lynchings die hard). Both, in keeping with the times, wore those heavy lineny shirts, their ties as small as possible and with as much tucked in between their shirt buttons as possible, one gold earring, school trousers generously cut with many a dart at the waistband, and Kickers. You get the picture. Both were (looking back) suspiciously well-coiffed; Alastair with his blonde, rock-hard flat-top la Bros, and Mark with the tight spiral perm he sported for much of the fifth form and lower sixth (perhaps, with hindsight, an indicator of things to come). They were inseperable.
To be clear: they weren't from the pikey/charver/radgie school of bullies - no, those were confined to the B stream and mainly restricted their murderous attacks to unfortunates from own kind. Alastair and Mark were the middle class type of bully, whose style of misery-infliction was made infinitely worse by their middling intelligence, which allowed them to systematically destroy the self-esteem of their chosen victims in a way that others deemed hilariously funny, and even their victims came to believe themselves rightful targets of what was usually a heady and unpredictable combination of evil hilarity and utter disdain.
As is not unusual between the ages of 13 and 17, their favourite targets for vilification were anyone deemed to be a 'hom'. For these unfortunates they reserved their worst and most sustained mental bullying campaigns. There are some, guilty of nothing more than being good at art, whose lives were made an utter misery, and who still live in the shadow of being made to feel like so much shit on this gruesome twosome's shoes.

Which makes their current state of complete gayness all the more startling.
There are those who will say, quite rightly, that the signs were always there - the hair, the earrings, the inseperability, the protesting waaaay too much about suspected gayers. But at the time it was completely inconceivable that they might be secret bum-chums. They went out with half the female population of our year. They were always getting sucked off in French or on the back seat of the coach. They were, in short, horrible, chauvenist, unreconstructed 80s spivs.
News of their subsequent volte-face came about via FriendsReunited, and rarely has an entire ex-school community been so awestruck. There was anger, there were tears, there is laughter still.
But one has to wonder: did they really know all along, in which case their treatment of other woofters, real or imagined, is all the more unforgiveable, or did they discover their prediliction for bum-love only in later years? Will schadenfreude intervene and cause them to be vilified as they vilified others? Will they discover an activist streak and become vocal protestors for gay rights? And when exactly did they first exchange sex wee*?
* Got to be the ski trip. It all makes sense now.
approved Sep 30 2004, submitted Jan 15 2004 by spadge monkey
Even if it's not a law of nature that bullies will eventually turn out to be screaming mincers (or single mothers), it's so satisfying when it happens that you really want it to be.

Consider James Bain. A fat and extremely angry young man given to punching other kids and arguing with teachers, he was expelled from two secondary schools. Last seen working full-time in a motorway service station selling 3 Santana CDs with outlandishly gay relish.

He informed me one girl who, by the age of 24 had scored three children - one from a squaddie. Once attractive and stuck-up, now fat and given to trawling Friends Reunited, trying to strike up old non-friendships.

I think I feel justified in saying "Ha!" to the lot of them.
approved Sep 10 2007, submitted Jan 29 2007 by Gareth Winslade
In biology, we were given bulls' eyes to dissect. Obviously this was an important lesson for anyone who was looking for a career in bovine opthalmology. For the rest of us, we were happy to discover that the stuff at the back (presumably optic nerves and shit) was very sticky. This meant that by the time the teacher got back from break, there were twenty bulls' eyes stuck to the blackboard glaring down at her.
approved Sep 15 2003, submitted Aug 5 2003 by Andy Mansh
Our scalpels as sharp as the average plastic ruler, so that the overall effect of attempted dissection would be a thick paste and a teacher's disbelief that none of us could "find the lens".
approved Oct 31 2003, submitted Oct 28 2003 by Jack Hyden
Teacher training notes. Pigs liver dissection:

Don't warn your class at the beginning of the lesson to ensure they do not leave any bits of liver lying around due to the stench it makes when it rots. They will simply spend the entire lesson cutting the liver up and hiding it around the classroom and in peoples' pencil cases.
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Feb 5 2005 by anonymous user
The 'bully box' was a small, square box mounted on a wall in our school reception. The idea was that you put the name of whoever was bullying you in there, and the teachers can then deal with the problem without you having to go public with your grassing.
There are obvious flaws with this; the anonymity means that there is no proof of any misdemeanour, and the system is clearly open to abuse by reporting innocent people. But by far the biggest flaw is that the box has never ever been opened.
My theory is that it has become a kind of Pandora's Box, and if it is ever opened, all the dead arms in the entire world will be released at once.
approved Aug 1 2005, submitted Jul 27 2005 by Bionic Sheep
I am still at school and we have a bully box. However, another flaw in this initiative is that nobody ever goes within four feet of it for fear of getting their arse kicked.
Bullies 2 Chumps 0
approved Oct 12 2007, submitted Jan 29 2007 by Name Withheld
In 1991 - We had this kid in Essex who was squinty-eyed. Proper boss-eyed kid, poor fellow. Anyway it became the "in" thing to call him "Cyclops" while putting your hand to your forehead and wiggling the fingers (like a pseudo third-eye) and moaning "cyyyyyclopppps" like a retard. He hung himself. That is dark. Oh yeah. And another kid inhaled a fire extinguisher to look hard and he died too. All in one week. No joke. Im serious. Also we put three teachers into mental homes by abusing them. This was a Roman Catholic School.
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Mar 26 2003 by budbud dingding
Hey Kids! Sometimes here at PGL we get sent submissions so disturbing it makes our flesh creep. We'd like to share that sensation with you now. Here's our most recent submission for the "bullying" thread. Note the lack of remorse. *Shudder*

Although I never got anyone to actually kill themselves, I still consider myself to have been the best bully I have known.

I was suspended once for telling the diabetic kid in our school that he was "a bit a of a freak". This was the official reason given to my parents on the letter of suspension. But the truth was that, through two and a half years of relentless bullying, the stress had actually caused him to DEVELOP diabetes, and move to a new school. It wasn't very clever stuff ('You're gay', 'You look like a cat, Catman', 'your mother is a hermaphrodite who tried to seduce me', 'your (8-year-old) sister is actually your father's 34-year-old gay lover' etc. etc.) but it was never-ending. I remember the head of middle school telling me as he sent me home that the poor boy would "have to inject himself with insulin every day for the rest of his life."

Well, I met him not six months later and it turned out that the diabetes had completely disappeared after the bullying stopped, so he didn't have to inject himself anymore. Someone owes me an apology.

I think I'm owed an apology.
approved Dec 11 2003, submitted Dec 4 2003 by The Boy Tucker
Oh, how the head of our lower school must have congratulated himself when he struck upon the cure for bullying, so beautiful in its simplicity. We had to wear blazers, and had to carry our school calendar in our breast pocket (A5 card folded into three, nice blue colour which poked out of the pocket, and looked a bit like one of David Niven's hankies - very dapper). Everyone in the school was instructed to clearly write their name on the top of the calendar, so we were all effectively wearing nametags. Now here comes the genius of it: as the most likely bullying targets, we lower school boys were told that, upon finding ourselves in a sticky situation, we were to look our aggressors in the eye, point at their name tag, and inform them,
"I know your name."
Then, for fear of repercussions, or because of the humanising element, bullying would cease.
Sadly, and almost unbelievably, this was not to be the case. Many of our school?s ingenious thugs simply wrote something on the back of the card, then in times of violence or escape, they could simply reverse the card. These "dummy plates" ranged from the names of members of the bee-keeping club and librarians, through to "Michael Ryan" and various gung-ho statements such as "Eat Lead" and "Feel the Fist".
approved Jan 21 2004, submitted Dec 12 2003 by the Yeti
At secondary school, I am thankful to have been privy and not subject to the "Count of Monte Cristo" ritual. Two pliable youngsters were manhandled into adjacent lockers, and the unit was lowered face first to the ground.
In a way, it was kind, because it gave the prisoners someone to talk to. Like Richard Chamberlain and him from ZZTop, in the classic aforementioned film.
approved Nov 12 2005, submitted Oct 12 2005 by Harry Hunt
The school bullying policy was quickly defaced to:
We do not want bumming of any form at Arnold Hill School.
If you are being bummed, or know about bumming or rapist incidents, then speak to someone in school and/or fill in an incident form.

This would probably be a more efficient policy, but was never enforced; the school was full of bummers, and three out of four in my year went on to become successful rapists.
approved Nov 29 2005, submitted Jul 28 2005 by anonymous user
Label given to any two boys at school who would be called best friends if only they were girls. The suggestion that two boys who were on good terms and spent time together were in fact homosexual was a terrifying prospect at this time of life and prohibited many people from developing any close friendships until the phrase passed into obscurity. In the third year.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rob Young
During my youth, I had the honour of attending the same primary school as the son of a certain TV chef (first person to name and shame the chef gets £5 - these people must NOT go unpunished - Log). One morning, our headmaster stood up in front of the entire school assembly and told us about what he regarded as extremely crude and immature behaviour. A group of boys had been found lined up behind one of the buildings, facing the wall, with one of the boys sniffing the arse of each boy one by one. This club had been founded by the aforementioned son of the TV chef, and he had proudly named it The Bum Sniffers Club. They had membership badges. Our headmaster decided that it was time to prevent any further homosexual development in the boys by telling the entire school of what he though of that kind of behaviour. One girl laughed so hard she pissed herself.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Eliot Higgins
This is a new game at our school which involves getting as much sweat from your ass and sack as possible and randomly rubbing it in one of your mates faces.

A game with no winners, only losers. - Matt
approved Nov 20 2007, submitted Aug 15 2005 by bob johnson
The orange tubes on bunsen burners. We didn't give it this name. It said, quite clearly, on the side of a box full of them, 'bum tubing'.
approved Sep 22 2003, submitted Sep 20 2003 by Name Withheld
In 30 years I've never known anyone other than those who went to St. Michaels Primary School who sang this. Prove me wrong: "Bum Tit Tit! Bum Tit Tit! Turn the hairy handle now" "Bum Tit Tit! Bum Tit Tit! Hear the willy orchestra"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Adam Tucker
There is also a form which includes "play the fanny banjo now"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Helene Maginness
The act of grabbing the victims ankles and dragging them across the school playground while they struggle and scream. If you drag using the trouser legs alone, you can pull the pants down enough to cause bumdrag on actual cheeks, which is like an elevation to godhood.
approved Feb 22 2003, submitted Feb 10 2003 by anonymous user
During very dull english lessons when reading very gritty books or plays simply swap every letter beginning with s for shit, c for cunt, b for bastard etc. etc. Simple, but with some amusing results. For instance, "Journey's End" by R C Sherrif is a dark insight into the life and death of first world war trench warfare. As demonstrated with such lines as "don't shit on that bastard, it is Osbourne's cunt"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Roo And
If you substitute the last word of any book or film title with the word "bumhole", it is funny. Note - one word titles have a limited appeal, but titles such as The Count of Monty Bumhole and Wuthering Bumholes will always be funny, even quite far into your twenties.
It's true, it works for every book! - The Tale of two Bumholes, Carter Beats The Bumhole, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Bumhole, Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Bumhole, Bravo Two-Bumholes, The Bumhole. It's as true as gravity! - Log
approved Jul 10 2004, submitted Nov 28 2003 by Bomber .
Whether someone was a bummer or not could easily be divined from the pitch and timbre of their farts. A tight, peachy squit meant you were fine, whereas a resonant, guttural blotch implied that your sphincter had been loosened from undue bumming.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Geordie Boy
Bummer Daniels was the name of Keighley's premier homosexual. At least, that's what we were told anyway. Threats like "Watch out - Bummer Daniels' About" and "Your dad is Bummer Daniels" were frequently banded around by bigger boys hell bent on causing terror in the asexual under-9's.
approved Dec 16 2002, submitted Dec 16 2002 by Ben Baker
A game invented by Richard King in primary school, exclusively played on the climbing frame.
It was kind of like conventional 'it', but instead of tagging your victim you had to simulate bumming them.
Obviously I never took part, I just watched. Rumours that I played to county standard are unfounded.
approved Jul 31 2005, submitted Jul 30 2005 by Mark H
1. Quick, efficient way to embarrass. Randomly accuse the victim of 'bumming' an object in the vicinity. For example... "What's the matter Dytchy? you bumming yer bag?", when in fact I was just trying to fasten the zip. I was just trying to fasten the zip!
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Richard Dytch
2. Surprisingly trendy act of simulated buggery. There was homophobia, but at least there was an appreciation of irony. The pinnacle of this craze was one time when the teacher entered the room to find a line of 10 boys all pretending to "bum" the one in front.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Stuart
3. When sharing a cigarette, to suck so firmly and indelicately to leave the butt wet and/or covered in lip balm. Doing this bums the cigarette. You have bummed it. Regular cigarette bumming will stop people wanting to share a crafty B&H with you whenever there's seven minutes spare.
approved Oct 6 2003, submitted Oct 4 2003 by felicity chadwell
Sometimes we used to play a deliberate bumming game (careful now), where the cigarette would be passed around with each participant deliberately making the butt wetter than before. The 'winner' would be the last one prepared to suck on this disgusting morsel.
approved Oct 10 2003, submitted Oct 7 2003 by Andy Mansh
A variation on standard bumming procedure. The two bummers in this case stand back to back, then both bend forward a little to create the bumming y. This seems to be based on the misconception that you can bum someone's bum, using only your bum. Or that bumming is the application of your bum to anything (including other bums), and not sticking a dick up one. Charming, but naive.
approved Oct 19 2004, submitted Oct 18 2004 by sparky ...
Hmmm, I would've thought that a bumming y would involve someone getting bummed by two people at once... The person to be bummed would bend over and touch his toes. The bummers would bum side by side, keeping their legs behind the bummee and leaning their upper bodies out on either side. Now that I think about it, this may not be physically possible. But at least it's proper bumming.
approved Oct 21 2004, submitted Oct 19 2004 by Hannah Peterson
When I were a lass, "Bumming" also meant only to hit someone with the arse, not the greasy anal violation we take it to mean now. For example, "I bummed my sister so hard in the face that she fell over and broke a tooth." Brilliant!
approved Mar 29 2006, submitted Feb 2 2006 by Cherry Green