The Law of the Playground
the letter b
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Many games include balls. Football, squareball, softball, tennisball. Here are some of the others. Murderball / Deathball : A pleasing mix of football, it, and violence. A football was kicked, and if it hit you without you controlling it and returning the ball, then you were chased and pulped.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Martin Carr
Pissball : A new fluffy tennis ball is taken to the toilets and placed in the long piss filled gutter of the school urinal. Once nicely soaked it was hooked up with a deft foot and dribbled to the centre of the school yard. To commence the game, shout "PISS BALL" and boot the ball at the victim of your choice. This had three resulting outcomes. (1) A direct hit. The victim would smell like a trevor for the rest of the day, and a hundred boys would share the pride of having their piss on him. (2) The more sporty types with the quick reflexes may go for a catch. Pissy hand ensues.. (3) Miss. Needless to say a lot of kids stank of a lot of piss.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nolan
Domball : Not to be confused with DoomBall. Similar to Australian rules football, two (sloppily defined) teams of people would attempt to score by carrying, kicking or throwing Dominic to their end of the common room. Additional points were allegedly available for mid-play manoeuvres such as posting (qv). Games were started unpredictably with the rallying cry of "DOMBALL!" whenever Dominic was in the common room, which became decreasingly frequent as the game grew in popularity.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Wilberforce One
Hennis : a game where one skinny lad is pushed between two bigger lads in a game of mock tennis. the winner is the player who makes the skinny lad fall over/cry/be sick etc etc
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Andy McLoughlin
After a procession of supply teachers, each failing in some vital way to hold onto the job, we were given Mr Conteh. Going for the intimidation tactic, Mr Conteg was a huge African man, with a very strong accent.
Did you notice his name was Mr Conteh? Well, that alone had us in hysterics, but eventually he found the class so lacking in concentration he started a disciplinary talk. This included the repetition of the phrase 'the ball is in your court'.
Unfortunately in his thick accent, this sound like Mr Cunty telling us that the ball was in our cunt. I mean, he could talk, being called Mr Cunty. And so, after an hour of uncontrolled laughing, another supply teacher tied up his belongings in a spotted hanky, and walked off into the sunset. (Actually, to my sister's school, where the same thing happened again)
approved Feb 24 2004, submitted Feb 2 2004 by Kris Webb
French writer of the early 19th century, famed for his Comédie Humaine.
This was written, of course, so that in later years aspiring young wags could enjoy variations on the following classic wordplay:
Q. Did you get your head around the Balzac?
A. I'd always considered the Balzac a little hairy but once I got a taste of it I couldn't get enough!
La hilarité est ensuivant - Human Comedy indeed.
approved Aug 11 2004, submitted Mar 22 2004 by Phil Glansvile
One of Balzac's minor works is "Cousin Pons", If you were reading said book in the sixth form common room, it wouldn't take too long for someone to notice and come to the conclusion it is pronounced "ponce". Since you're reading a book with that title you must either BE a ponce, have a cousin who is, or be at least seriously considering a career in poncehood. I suppose the lesson is: don't read poncy books in the 6th form common room.
approved Apr 15 2005, submitted Oct 17 2004 by red andy
A short-lived fashion of shoes in the late '70s. They were very flat, very wide, but most importantly, had very stiff wooden soles that stuck out at least 1/2 an inch, which were ideal for kicking shins in. I've just done a google search but found no references. I will personally blow anyone who can produce a picture of them. If you can find a pair in size 11, the sky's the limit.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 8 2003 by uncle monty
Well, I've just googled "banana boat shoes" and got 4 references. Sure, there're no pictures but that's got to be worth a hand job, at least...
approved Oct 10 2003, submitted Oct 9 2003 by Nick Hunt
If I whacked off every punter who managed a few oblique references through Google, I'd have arms like Precious McKenzie. Close, but no chafed cigar.
Don't know who Precious McKenzie is? We didn't. So here's the google link to this South African back injury specialist and weightlifter. Can I have a hand job off Nick Hunt please? - Log
approved Dec 12 2003, submitted Oct 10 2003 by uncle monty
Cutting sarcastic putdown used by a maths teacher, when a pupil answers a question without stating the units.
TEACHER: "what's the volume of a cube with sides of 2cm each?"
PUPIL: "eight"
TEACHER: "eight what? bananas?"
Pupils would often fall out of their chairs and asphyxiate with laughter.
approved Jan 18 2003, submitted Jan 2 2003 by peter taste
Also accepted as an inherently funny thing, like bananas are, are elephants. Hence "Eight what? Elephants?"
Reminiscent of that stage of mental development when simply saying "mango" was funny.
approved Jan 31 2003, submitted Jan 23 2003 by Charlie Webb
A further alternative was:
Pupil : Sixteen
Mr. MacPherson : You nit!
Pupil : Sorry, sir - sixteen Joules
Here, the amusing similarity between 'unit' (the missing unit of measurement) and the ludicrously mild term of abuse 'You Nit' assured hilarity. *cough* As did said Mr. MacPherson's habit of calling Richard Williams 'Willy Bums'.
approved Feb 25 2003, submitted Feb 4 2003 by Jim Aitken
A threat. The number would rise to increase the severity of the threat. Claims of a million, or even infinity bullets, were not rare.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nick Kent
If more information about the bullets seems appropriate, offer them this;
One's black,
one's blue,
one full of chicken poo."
approved Dec 20 2002, submitted Dec 19 2002 by Name Withheld
Not quite as effective without the preceding steps.
Make a "gate" with your hands, middle fingers touching. Say to your chosen victim, in a manner similar to that adopted when asking them to smell your cheese, "Open the gate!". Excited to see what will happen, your victim (the fool) will open the gate. Quickly, before they realise their mistake, make gun shapes with your hands, and shoot them down in a hail of "peeeoww"s and "er er er er er er"s. Repeat the rhyme over their twitching, bloody corpse.
approved Mar 7 2003, submitted Mar 3 2003 by Nick Hunt
In addition to this, the composition of said bullets could be stated:
"One red, one blue, one made of doggie's poo".
approved Mar 10 2003, submitted Mar 8 2003 by Matt Sharp
We were obviously less sophisticated at my school, where "opening the gate" would merely result in being punched in the face.
A triumph of substance over style.
approved Apr 15 2005, submitted Jan 16 2005 by Het Phillips
Educational attack. Ask a boy the capital of Thailand, and before really giving him a genuine chance to answer, shout BANG COCK! and punch him in the twin-brains.
approved Feb 26 2003, submitted Jan 22 2003 by larry mcgonegal
Using a combination of stealth and wit place as much school property (rulers/pens/paint/glue) into Barber's bag. Then at the end of the day as he leaves the room perform a citizen's arrest and reveal his crimes to the 'teacher'.
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Apr 15 2003 by Alex K
A craze that developed in the last year of secondary school, and one practiced only by a fully qualified minority of lovable thugs.

Barebacking involved grabbing someone, lifting the back of their top up, and then furiously slapping the victim's back. It was just something that occasionally happened to you - it was never a tool for singling out the weak, and it was never personal.

Unless you were Abdullah. He would get chased, entirely topless, across the playground, before getting body-slammed into a wall and punched in the spine for fifteen minutes.

Log says:
What other terms for specific kinds of fucking have been stolen by schoolchildren to mean acts of sexless brutality? Did your school use "double fisting" to mean two punches? Maybe you thought "rainbow kisses" were something to do with sherbet and ponies, or something. Let us know!
approved Aug 3 2005, submitted Aug 2 2005 by Name Withheld
Based on the Pepsi Challenge.
Participants are offered one cup of squash diluted with tap water, and one cup of squash diluted with river water that has just trickled through the corpse of a sheep.
They are then offered the chance to say which is the real "Barker '95". Their answer is entirely irrelevant.
approved Dec 20 2002, submitted Dec 18 2002 by anonymous user
The aristocracy doesn't come out well in the playground. Duke means shit. Viscount is a brand of cheap minty biscuit. And Baron was written on the tag that stuck out of my cheap, fashionless shoes.

No child wants to be a Baron. And those that do would be ill-advised to start that long journey by adopting a pair of cheap, aspirational labelled shoes. They do not command respect.

The stitching on my Barons formed a ridged lip around the top of the shoe. This rim would prevent water from draining effectively to the floor. This was noticed, and within seconds, I became Baron Fishponds. Baron Fishponds - the new-money peer who wasn't invited to top-tier social functions, because of his shit shoes.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A mentalist. Barrow Gurney was the name of the Psychiatric Hospital near Bristol, and became a generic term of abuse. The name was perfect - the natural face of the spastic being a happy gurn, and their primary mode of transport being the wheelbarrow. The second word should be drawn out: Barrow Guuuuuurney!
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
In Wakefield we had the Stanley Royd infirmary, and I challenge anyone - Wakefield native or otherwise - to say the word Royd without thinking about the mentally ill. In particular, thinking of a young tardlet called Stanley Royd introducing himself to a smiling and plainly uncomfortable class.
This inspiring institution ensured the continuing popularity of spacker-derived insults for Wakefield's schoolboys well into the post-Deacon era.
approved Jun 24 2004, submitted Apr 21 2004 by Kevin Deighton
The sound that things of massive size make as they swing through the air. This could be used in narrative (... and she had massive collosal knockers going BARRRRRRN!), or as a sound effect in a commentary as the girl who is sick of you talking about her premature tits turns around to thump you. This can be more effective if you sing songs from War of the Worlds to the girl first.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by David Gerrard
My mate Greg Jolley was the undisputed master of barrrrrrn! Whatever he mimed, whatever he was describing, this all-purpose sound effect would be in there somewhere. Examples...
(Describing an episode of Hammer House of Horror) "And the hitch-hiker raises his hand up to the bloke's face like this, barrrrrrn..."
"And this massive aeroplane went barrrrrrn..."
"And then this bloke came out and I went 'peg it!' and we went barrrrrrn..."
approved Nov 25 2005, submitted Nov 23 2005 by Name Withheld
A full eight hours of torture awaited poor Barry Hendy every day he arrived at school. Methods of torture included the simple swapping of his initials around to give a funnier name, claiming that after dark he was no longer Harry Bendy but CHEESE BOY (with no explanation offered), to the tireless Pushing Barry's Things on the Floor game.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Phil Catterall
When the PE teacher asked him if he was called Barry, he replied "Yes". She said "Yes what?" in that imperious manner of PE teachers, fully expecting him to answer "Yes Miss".

However, our Bazza replied, having had manners beaten into him by his parents, "Yes please". But he drew out the word "please" in a slightly puzzled tone of voice, which obviously meant he was unsure that this was the correct answer.

This was confirmed to him by the entire class, including the teacher, pissing themselves laughing, and Barry just pissing himself.

Barry Walker's finest hour was the hour when he finally learnt to tell a joke. The joke going round was "Knock Knock! Who's there? Spitonmish! Spitonmish who?" at which the teller hocked a greeny on to the victims Clarks commandos.

Barry's rendition of the joke was less interactive. He'd just say "Knock Knock, who's there, spitonmishoe," and never quite figured out why this brilliant joke ended up with him getting his shoes gobbed on.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jeff Flynn
Barry Tamkin was the stupidest kid in our school, although to be fair he did do a cracking impression of the Pink Panther walking into a tree. I hope this had stood him in good stead through life, as it was his only skill.
I'd be interested to know if anyone has ever encountered anyone called Barry who wasn't either fat/a geek/stupid/generally picked on, as I don't think they exist.
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Mar 17 2003 by roj balc
There was a Barry at our school, who incredibly wasn't a geek, fat, or stupid. Unfortunately his surname was Tease. So, boys howled 'Ooooh Barry is a Tease' in the gayest way imaginable. Actually, even gayer than that.
So he might as well have been a geek, fat, or stupid for all the bullying he got.
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Sep 24 2003 by petrocelli .
My unfortunate army brat cousin, given name Barry-John, was sent off to boarding school having become accustomed to being addressed as "BJ".
When he returned from boarding school, his mother amended it to "Beej".
It was too late.
approved Aug 25 2004, submitted Apr 22 2004 by Name Withheld
Barry at my school cried when someone stole the sticker he'd been given by his dentist, featuring a picture of a crocodile brushing his teeth with an oversized toothbrush. Barry cried so much we were all called in to an emergency assembly so the headmaster could explain that we should never touch other people's belongings because even though they may not appear important to us, the things may mean the world to them.

Someone later stole the piece of tin foil that Barry had saved from his sandwiches. He cried even more about that, because he was really excited about adding it to his last year's easter egg foil collection.
approved Feb 9 2005, submitted Nov 8 2004 by Lizzie Olson
Unusually, our Barry was tall and skinny with a friendly, honest face.
He did, however, have a phenomenal nervous tic, which manifested itself through Barry squeezing his eyes tightly shut for a fraction of a second - an industrial-strength blink, if you like - and a quick shake of his head. This occurred roughly once every eight seconds; every now and again he would do two in a row. Surprisingly, nobody ever mentioned it and he blinked and shook his way happily through school.

approved Sep 30 2007, submitted Jul 29 2005 by Dale Taylor
We had a Barry who knocked himself out whilst attempting a backflip whilst breakdancing at the school disco.
Mansh says:
It's the long awaited return of Barries We Have Known!
approved Apr 18 2006, submitted Apr 15 2006 by Ivan Vasiilevich
Our class Barry had Barry as a surname, rather than a first name. He compensated for this in two ways:

(1) He only had three fingers on his left hand. In order to avoid drawing attention to this he would keep it in his pocket at all times. No only did this not work at all, it also earned him his first nickname, The Hooded Claw.

(2) Once, whoever wrote the day's roll had terrible writing, while the supply teacher who read it obviously didn't know the names of anyone in the class, and thus spent a good ten minutes attempting to track down someone called "Batsy". This immediately became his second nickname.
approved Oct 21 2011, submitted Oct 21 2011 by anonymous user
My friend Andy Harrop went a whole year telling his Geography supply teacher that his name was Basil Clithopps, and would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for the tiny matter of the end-of-year reports. We had told her that Harrop was in hospital "in a coma", information she didn't bother to check until July when the shit hit the fan and Andy was suspended.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Harry Grout
Our 6th form stats teacher was sufficiently confused by the presence of two 'Andy's in the class that Andy C's suggestion that he was to be called 'Bernard' was, in fact, taken seriously. Our teacher actually managed to forget his real name several times...
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Mar 27 2003 by Andy Shaw
On an exchange visit to the French school our penpals went to, several of us were ushered into an English lesson. The teacher asked us our names, and one by one, we all answered "Eddie Skez" the strange thing was, this was not prearranged, and (obviously) there was no-one called Eddie Skez.
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Apr 15 2003 by - supermoving -
Biget-anne was sitting in on our math class, god knows why, and we had a subsitute teacher, briget gave herself the name of a girl who was away that day, Nicola. after many such pranks in which she clearly repeated 'my name is nicola' she left, after a pole dance in a state of undress. Nicola got expelled and the subsitute got fired for ringing nicola and taking her out to dinner, why the real nicola wnet is not know, apart from her super slutty nature.

Cockfingers says:
Congratulations, you win the "I'm a massive fucking liar" award. On the upside, at least Biget-Anne won't find herself on Google, as her name almost certainly isn't spelled like that.
approved Oct 8 2011, submitted Nov 11 2003 by cockfingered
John W. achieved school-wide fame in the sixth form when he was spotted through a badly-curtained bathroom window having an energetic wank. Of course, indiscreet masturbation is hardly that unusual at boarding school, but two factors elevated John's performance to the status of School Legend:

1. In an impressive display of coordination and efficiency, he was brushing his teeth with his other hand.

2. He frequently paused in his manipulations to slap his cock energetically against the basin.

John was dubbed Basin Basher for the remainder of his school career, and "Arm & Hammer" toothpaste suddenly became hilarious. The event was immortalised in the following song (to the tune, vaguely, of Do your balls hang low?):

Is your name John or Jason,
Do you bash it on a basin,
Do you cover it in Colgate for better lubrication?
Does it give you satisfaction,
Does it get a big reaction,
Do you use Double Action for better foreskin traction?

The beauty of the final line is that John was a quiet, earnest student: the image of him diligently evaluating toothpastes until he found the one with optimum sensual enhancement was entirely plausible.
approved Oct 26 2005, submitted Oct 25 2005 by anonymous user
A file with a surface texture between coarse and second-cut. Invented with the sole purpose of allowing twelve year old boys to swear in metalworking class.
approved Feb 10 2005, submitted Nov 29 2004 by Tom Brown
An impromptu celebration, where colleagues took part in such activities as 'knee kicking', 'gobbing in hoods', and 'throwing people down the stairs'. I stabbed my mate Andy with a compass in maths.
He got sent out the class for screaming in agony, but still asked me to be his best man in later life. Although he was soon divorced, mind.
approved Apr 22 2003, submitted Apr 16 2003 by Diving Bastard
also consider :
random and impromptu slashing of the neck with metal combs, and surprise karate chops to the Adam's apple 10 seconds before a teacher enters the class.
This results in a complete inability to breathe, so you won't be able to answer the register. Which will obviously be your number one concern, what with not being able to breathe.
approved Sep 17 2003, submitted Sep 14 2003 by dave evans
In Chemistry one day, Sam remembered we had a French exam next lesson. Nothing serious, just a round-up of a chapter in Tricolore.
However, Sam hadn't prepared for it, so asked me to smash him over the hand with the base of a retort stand. I obliged, and hey presto - one French exam avoided! Not to mention the kudos of having two broken fingers and spending days in hospital.
For a later chapter in the book, he actually stabbed himself in the hand with a Stanley knife.
approved Aug 25 2004, submitted Feb 13 2004 by Dave Harris
Having both forgotten our swimming kits, a friend and I searched around for something - anything - that could help us avoid the inevitable splashing about in pissy water wearing some gippos' swimming cozzies from lost property.

We ransacked our bags for something to help us get out of PE. Unfortunately, the best we could do was a lowly packet of Strepsils. Clinging to the forelorn hope that the packet's warning against eating too many Strepsils in a 24 hour period would cause illness or some kind of allergic reaction, we devoured the entire packet of the potentially lethal lozenges beween us.

Not a lot happened. We didn't choke on our swollen tracheas, or experience even the slightest form of anaphylactic shock. And so it was that we found ourselves swimming in pissy water wearing gippos' swimming cozzies from lost property. The inevitable tabloid headline "School's Shocking Strepils Suicides" would have been less embarrassing.
approved Feb 10 2005, submitted Jan 16 2005 by Het Phillips
French word for imbetween, amusingly also West Indian for homosexual. Brightened up my French lessons anyway.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ben Austwick