The Law of the Playground
the letter b
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An alternative to "durr". Said in classic spacka pose with tongue pushed out against bottom lip. "Belm". Similar to "Jimmy Hill" (rubbing chin) and "Chinny Rack-On", in that they denotes the feeling that someone is talking shit.
approved Jan 20 2003, submitted Jan 20 2003 by John Cairns
Belm is also used to denote that ones interlocutor is a passenger on the sunshine bus. A spaz, div, cretin, biffa, scoper etc.
approved Jan 25 2003, submitted Jan 21 2003 by Peter Marshall
An imaginary card that you never knew you had until you are informed that you have dropped it. An instinctive glance at the ground is then instant proof that you are a member of this exclusive club.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Kevin Downey
Similarly, any response to a cry of "Oi, you've dropped your lipstick" would be enough to prove your gayness. But not for girls, obviously.
approved Feb 22 2003, submitted Feb 11 2003 by Nick Hunt
The more intelligent kids would mime picking up the card, looking at it and then saying "There's been a terrible mistake, this card has your name on it. And a little photo of you bumming your dad."
approved Dec 4 2003, submitted Nov 3 2003 by Luke Tansey
I always thought this was a strictly our-school-only term for a botty bandit until I googled it today and found someone selling t-shirts with it on. I suppose it could have been specially commissioned by David Burns of my class, who has written in his Friends Reunited entry, "Yes, you were right. I really was a bendy Herman and I still am". I like to imagine him wearing his special shirt on gay pride marches in case he runs (or possibly sashays) into any old school friends.
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Oct 9 2006 by Mike Sol

Benson was the butler in Soap. He was so loved in America for being a servile black man surrounded by his white betters, that he got his own series. So, if you asked anyone for a favour, they would comply grudgingly, and say "just call me Benson".

John: Steven, could you pass me that book?
Steven: Tch, for God's sake. Just call me Benson, why don't you?

At some stage, this developed into a full rendition of the theme tune to Soap, whenever anyone was asked to do anything.
approved Oct 20 2011, submitted Jul 29 2006 by v mac
Ben Watt quickly learned to write his name with the smallest possible space between the words, to prevent a couple of 'T's being squeezed in there.
approved Jun 2 2005, submitted May 25 2005 by anonymous user
Childish insult that, in adulthood becomes one of the most cutting things imaginable. Try it. Call someone a berk today!

Many thanks to all the Cockneys who completely missed the fucking point and wrote in to tell us that berk is actually rhyming slang for cunt and very rude indeed, actually. 'Cuntybollocks' is rude. And so is 'why don't you just bloody piss on your nan's bum, you cuntybollocks'. 'Berk', 'nitwit' and 'der-brain' are not. Jesus. - Ponky
approved Sep 30 2006, submitted Sep 12 2006 by Cherry Green
Abusing an unfortunate child's unique habit of biting his clenched fist in moments of anger. Taunting will occur on an hourly basis to see who could be the first to break the skin by proxy. His father was dead, so shouting, "Where's your Dad, Steve?" usually worked a treat. When his Mum died, he actually came in the next day. Out of respect, he wasn't insulted for at least a week - but there was obviously new ammunition once it recommenced.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Paul Reuben
Frazer was married to Betty. Desite his vehement denials of the obvious fact, I put the matter beyond doubt by writing "Betty" on several amall pieces of paper, folding each twice, sneaking up behind Frazer and sprinkling them over his head whilst shreiking "Betty Confetti!" inches from his ear.
Sadly, his eardrums were not perforated. However, he did complain of a ringing in his ears. The ringing of bells. At his wedding. To Betty.
approved Oct 22 2004, submitted Oct 22 2004 by The Boy Tucker
Inevitably there came a time when a teacher would ask the pupils to make a list of their names- with luck it was a supply teacher who didn't know who you all were and would then read the names out. In these cases, it always paid to have some handy rude spoonerism names to pad out the list. E.g.
Betty Swollocks
Paul Smeenis
Mary Hinge
Kelly Smunt
Joe Blobb
Tex Soy
Trevor Nyanalsecks etc.
Not to be confused with more direct humour of names like Mike Hunt, Hugh Jarse etc.
approved Jul 28 2003, submitted Jul 16 2003 by anonymous user
You missed out Keith Burton.
approved Sep 8 2003, submitted Aug 14 2003 by Rob Young
The fun of these cleverly invented names turns to heartbreaking tragedy when you meet the unfortunate girl named Vicky Pagett, who has led a needlessly difficult life.
approved Apr 18 2005, submitted Nov 14 2003 by Robert Rankin
A few of us were trying to think up new Betty Swollocks variations when a lad from the year below, missing the point a bit, suggested the name Nig Bipples.

It's hard to batter someone when you're crying with laughter.

approved Feb 10 2005, submitted Feb 9 2005 by Nig Bipples
Bag Full Of School Dinner.
Almost every lunchtime during the third, fourth and fifth form we made a BFOSD by pretending to eat our school dinners, but in fact each sneaking spoonfuls into a plastic bag. These creatures were then named and taken out to the playing field, where they developed a personality of their own as they were thrown around until they burst - usually on Wayne.
The best BFOSDs tended to be composed of a base of mashed potato, custard and segments of orange, along with other associated foodstuffs. The acidity of the orange was generally believed to curdle the milk in the custard, turning the BFOSD into a stinking near-lethal chemical weapon.
Early BFOSDs tended not to last more than fifteen minutes or so, and required rebagging at frequent intervals if their lifespan was to be increased. Then some genius suggested putting the BFOSD into a sock taken from the PE Block lost property basket, and a whole new era was born.
Putting a BFOSD into a sock meant that, when the plastic bag burst, the mashed-up food that was its very essence did not escape onto the ground. Instead it oozed into the material of the sock, making it very, very unpleasant indeed, but also maintaining the BFOSD's integrity. This meant that, rather than lasting for an hour or so, BFOSDs could last for days or even weeks before the foul stench of rot caused us to discard it.
With the lifespan of the BFOSD extended almost indefinitely, all sorts of shenanigans ensued. The contents of the BFOSD leaked from their M&S terry toweling home at a reasonably restrained pace; school blazers were frequently dotted with stains, but nothing approaching the full-on 1963 Dallas head-shot stains that bursting plastic bags left.
And so the BFOSD managed to live past the lunch hour until after school when they made their way into Walsall town centre - where hilarity inevitably resulted: thrown onto crowded buses, pushed through open office windows, deposited on the shelves of the local Sainsbury's. We behaved in a manner that brought shame to both our school and our families. But we didn't care - we were young rebels blazing through puberty, and we did it with stinking socks in hand.
approved Dec 16 2002, submitted Dec 15 2002 by Phil Glansvile
In America (or American films at least) they call it 'brown bagging', and it's quite a hip thing to take your lunch into school in a paper bag. In this country, a Kwiksave bag (or worse, the plastic bag the bread for your sandwich came in), marks you as the worst kind of pikey. Not like a good pikey, the kind whos mum doesnt pay the rent but keeps her kids in Reeboks and nose studs and consumer durables, but the rubbish kind of pikey who cant afford school trips and has to stay behind at school pissing about with bean bags in the gym with a dinner lady.

The moral of this story is: buy your fucking kids lunchboxes.
approved Jan 15 2003, submitted Dec 18 2002 by Susan Tobacco
If bags full of school dinner become boring, steal sheeps eyes from the biology lab and sling them around until they burst. The black ooze in the middle is... unpleasant.
approved Apr 25 2003, submitted Apr 16 2003 by griff .
The well known practice of looking up rude words in the School Library's Big Dic-tionary also works in the Bible. A quick summary of my findings...
  • Song of Songs 5:2-4 contains passages about honey soaked, er, passages.
  • Philippians 3:8 has Saint Paul using a bad word. Um.
  • 1 Samuel 25:22 has King David using the phrase "he that pisseth against a wall".
  • Isaiah 66:11 has a little breast play.
  • Proverbs 5:19 has some sound marital advice - plus nudity, rape, besitality and bum sex galore!
    A rich playground for the horny teen looking to spazz out during a dull RE lesson.
approved Sep 29 2004, submitted Mar 19 2004 by Tom Braider
Ezekiel 23:20 talks about a woman who enjoys the company of lovers who are hung like donkeys and who can ejaculate like horses.

Editors note. We were a bit sceptical about this claim, but it turns out that it bloody well does. And how about 23:21? "So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled. Phew! It seems that the whole of Ezekiel 23 is pretty damn filthy. It starts off like the premise of a Tania Russof movie and ends up in a Tarantinoesque bloodbath. The smutty bible-writing perverts.
approved Sep 25 2005, submitted Aug 25 2005 by anonymous user, Phil Glansvile
Alien who started his one man invasion of Earth in a small primary school in the north east of England. He started his bid for world domination by frightening an eight year old girl in the toilets by saying "Biddy-Biddy, Hello!" After two months of children combing the school field and "butterfly garden" in search of this beast, and several telephone calls by worried parents to the headmaster because their children couldn't sleep at night, it was finally stopped by a school assembly where the existence of aliens was strenuously denied and the by now heavily armed (with sticks) anti-alien sweeps were ordered to stop.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by David Haswell
Butterfly garden? Hunh?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Another hilarious disability insult - this time for the lucky sufferers of spina bifida. Also biffa.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Vic Flange
Also known as "bifter", but not to be confused with "biffa", which is a fat and unattractive woman.
approved Dec 16 2002, submitted Dec 16 2002 by Ivan Vasiilevich
Also, try Spina Smiffida for anyone with the surname Smith. And they're ten a fucking penny, so it's not like one of those if you know someone called Sigourney Weaver, why not call her Big Horny Beaver? entries.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Mar 11 2003 by anonymous user
The stem biff can also be extended to form such classics as paedobiff.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Mar 18 2003 by Jack Liddle
Watching the Biffa truck come to collect the Biffa bins fron outside school on Monday morning was always a great source of fun.
approved Jul 23 2003, submitted Jul 22 2003 by Name Withheld
The subject of spina bifida is, of course, best approached through the singing of the popular song "Spina man":
Spina Man, Spina Man,
Does Whatever a Spina can...

Whatever Spinas can do, for the purposes of this song, is gurgle, flail, and roll around. So you should do that.
approved Aug 25 2004, submitted Jan 20 2004 by Nathaniel Tapley
For my cousins, from Bristol, it was Spiny Biff - still among the most fantastic insults I have come across.

My mother told me not to learn any "toilet talk" from them when we went to stay.
approved Feb 10 2005, submitted Nov 18 2004 by gary simpson
We thought that 'spina biffida' specifically referred to spinal disabilities; so we often amended it when a child was hurt, to describe a localised injury, e.g a painful arse would be described as 'arsa biffida'.
approved Apr 21 2005, submitted Jan 12 2005 by Cat Taylor
Biff shoes are any utterly unfashionable shoe, preferably large and cumbersome with deep tread soles. So called because of their resemblace to a medical shoe and braces, at the time thought to be worn by people who suffered from spina-bifida.
approved Oct 3 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Dick Hill
Standard male reply to the age-old question "How's it hanging?".
A suitable girls' reply was never established. "Fine, thanks" seemed to suffice.
approved Aug 18 2005, submitted Aug 18 2005 by Nick Hunt
'Hopefully big and hairy' was the standard response to the Irish version, 'How's the Craic?'

The 'hopefully' is the key to understanding the Irish psyche. We like 'em big and bushy, ladies.
approved Sep 6 2005, submitted Sep 2 2005 by Em Bird
According to the margin notes in my 3rd year English book, big brown brothels only cost 27p.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Inventive rewording of the popular assembly song 'Big Rock Candy Mountain'. Much mirth was caused by the fact that the first verse contained the words 'a burly bum went hiking'. This song was exclusively requested by Ali Mehmet who had manky jumpers and the ability to blow bubbles of snot mixture from his nostrils.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Josh B.
Perfect for situations where your friends were bragging about their new Birthday / Christmas presents. "Oooo," you'd reply. "Big Thrills for Noddy and Big Ears". Noddy and Big Ears being notoriously easy to thrill. This didn't even rhyme.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matt Bond
A fat child. He doesn't have to be Native American, in fact it's probably racist if he is.
approved Apr 16 2003, submitted Apr 13 2003 by Ricky Devlin
Our maths teacher at A-level was a William Phillip Gill. The lack of forethought on the part of his parents was only rivalled by his own. If he'd been a primary school teacher, there'd have been a fair chance that nobody would have twigged that his name was, in fact, Bill Phil Gill.
He had his own theme tune. It rhymed 'Gill' with 'cunt', as I recall.
(I knew someone called Wilfred Wilberforce Willwong at University. Triple Will. He came to England from Trinidad without a faith, studied every religion, and chose Catholicism. Curazy dheys. -Log)
approved Sep 30 2004, submitted Feb 23 2004 by Jasmine Strong
Try Rolf Runceton Rumley for size. He was very proud of his name (and that in the future he would drive a ruby red rolls royce), had mould green hair and refuted the possibility that his parents could have had sex in order to conceive him.
approved Jul 13 2005, submitted May 31 2005 by Gentle Ben