The Law of the Playground
the letter b
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The swinging flap of chunkmeat that hangs from old women's and dinner ladies' upper arms.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Simon English
Also known as nan flaps.
approved Apr 28 2003, submitted Apr 3 2003 by Petra Davis
Also known as chamois, from the fact that they buff your car as you clean it.
Although bingo-wings are more likely to leave a sweaty grease smear on your bonnet.
approved Sep 8 2003, submitted Aug 27 2003 by Kate Ward
Also known as "minger wings" in honour of a girl of truely gargantuan sea cow proportions in my 6th form who had HAIR on hers.
I still can't think about it without gagging a little.
Oh, and she smelled of biscuits.
Aaaand she was a lezzer. She was a big minger winged, dirty, biscuit stinking, sea cow lezzer. Oh yes.
approved Mar 25 2008, submitted Dec 14 2006 by Name Withheld
The not-so-superhero identity of class chief mischief maker Scott Leitch. Binky made his first and only appearance one morning when Mr Harris sent Scott to fetch something from the supplies store room. A few minutes later, Scott reappeared with a sack pulled up to his waist and two pencils with table tennis balls jabbed on the ends secured on his head with a large elastic band. He burst into the classroom with a cry of 'Behold! I am Binky The Wonder Slug!' and then hopped off down the hall. He didn't return until after the Head caught him bouncing around in the school garden.

Nobody knows what became of Scott after we left school. Rumour has it that he fights crime in his spare time. Which I suspect he has a lot of.
approved Sep 25 2005, submitted Aug 17 2005 by Nipple Jabber
Placing the smallest bloke in the class in a bin arse-first, so far that it comes up to his knees and armpits, and his hands flap uselessly outside. Then lift the bin, place it on the teacher's desk, and await his arrival. Often, the child would panic, and fall off the desk, leaving him semi-conscious in a pile of rubbish on the floor as the teacher entered the room. This is more incriminating, as it simply looks like the kid went mental in the bin, and lost consciousness through rubbish-related hyperventilation.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Honourable George
When we hit upper sixth and were thus old enough to know better, it was decided that due to my being short, I should become The Bin Woman.
This surprisingly voluntary title involved removing the bin from its wooden home (like a McDonald's bin), and I would sit in there, throwing rubbish back through the flap.
It wasn't that funny, the dinner lady got pissed off, and I got beans in my hair.
approved Sep 29 2004, submitted Apr 22 2004 by Name Withheld
A horizontal variation on binning involved trapping Ben Egan in a small cupboard with glass sliding doors. After we got bored of looking at him, we turned the cupboard to face the wall.
approved Oct 13 2004, submitted Oct 13 2004 by Mike Gavin
Once you have someone in a bin, they're fairly helpless, so you can stage scenes around them.

JACQUELINE'S TRYST
1. INT. DAY. CLASSROOM.

Thomas : Good afternoon, Jacqueline. I trust no-one knows you came.
Jacqueline : Of course not. I value my position within the household, such as it is.
Thomas : You should know better than to... oh, is that the new flavour Monster Munch?
Jacqueline : You noticed. To be honest I am a little let down; I fear the flavour has gathered at the bottom of the bag, leaving the crisps themselves flavourless and cloying.
Thomas : Then there is only one thing for it!
Jacqueline : Whatever do you mean?
Thomas : You must spit a mouthful of the offending crisps into this bin!
Jacqueline : But Thomas!
Thomas : But nothing! Spit the crisps into the bin!
Jacqueline : But there is a boy in the bin, Thomas.
Thomas : Yes, that's Steve. We binned him.
[Jacqueline gobs her crisps onto Steve. Thomas takes a handful and does the same]
Both : A hahahahah!
approved Oct 15 2004, submitted Oct 14 2004 by Jon Blyth
Whilst idly browsing through a biology textbook one day myself and a friend came across a picture of a woman in labour.It was quite graphic, the kids head was poking out and you could see everything. All well and good, but when the picture was turned upside down it looked like a little mewling baby with big chunky arms. So funny we had to show the rest of the class and our teacher. Teacher wasnt chuffed though. She was still pissed of with us for laughing at the siamese twins.
approved Mar 14 2003, submitted Mar 13 2003 by billy baghead
If you left your seat in Miss Windsor's biology class for GCSEs at Wimbledon College, you'd return to find a laboratory implement placed on your stool and a crowd of people screaming that you'd been sitting on that for the lesson, thus getting bum pleasure.

The progression was as follows:
1. Pencils
2. A test tube
3. A test tube rack
4. A bunsen burner (yellow flame)
5. A bunsen burner (blue flame)
6. Retort stand
7. Upturned stool, signifying '4 pronged pleasure'.

We thought this was the pinnacle of implied but unsubstantiated cornhole abuse, until Gettings returned to his chair to discover that he had in fact been sitting on Adrian all lesson, and Adrian was crying.
approved Sep 3 2011, submitted Oct 21 2004 by Tony Cockles
Small Breasts "Chinese, Japanese, what are these? Bumble Bees!" Large Breasts "Chinese, Japanese, what are these? Christmas Trees!" Breasts, Penis, Arse "Milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner, chocolate's made" Arse, Breasts "Bum titty titty bum bum titty titty bum bum" Suspicions that this latter formed the basis of Freud's Anal/Oral dichotomy were supported by the fact that our local MP at the time was Sigmund's lugubrious grandson, Clement.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Name Withheld
Also, "Bum,tit-tit,bum,tit-tit play the willy banjo."
approved Mar 7 2003, submitted Feb 12 2003 by John Cheetham
In the lazy crazy seventies, everyone wanted to mimic the onscreen adventures of Steve "Six Million Dollar Man" Austin.
Boys would jump off walls, making a scraping sound because it was in slow motion, and run around at ostensibly super-bionic speeds.
Dave Walker took this one step further - by inserting wires down his sleeves and socks, he would take trusted people to one side, show them his ultra-bionic wiring, and tell them that he was no ordinary eight year old boy.
Now over 16, and keen to impress girls, Dave doesn't like me bringing up his bionic past. Which is lucky, as it'd be no fun otherwise.
approved May 9 2005, submitted May 2 2005 by Dave Palser
As written on my second-year desk at secondary school. To this day, the couplet strikes me with its sheer vitality and stark beauty.
approved Feb 6 2003, submitted Jan 24 2003 by Richard Swan
'Isn't it your birthday today Nobby?' I enquired of my classmate during an unusually quiet registration. 'No' he replied. So naturally, we all sang happy birthday to him regardless and wished him many happy returns. This continued in every class until lunchtime. We would tell each teacher about the birthday and they were all more than happy to let us sing our congratulations.
On coming back to school after lunch, it turned out an older kid had heard Nobby's happy news and poured a can of coke over his head.

approved Jul 25 2006, submitted Jul 25 2006 by Name Withheld
Our Biology teacher, when confronted by yet another gem of witticism from me and my friends, responded with the words 'what's wrong with you Olifant, did you have too many comedy biscuits this morning?'
This phrase has become legendary.
approved Sep 29 2003, submitted Sep 26 2003 by anonymous user
A fart. As in "ahhh... Bisto"

The Bisto Kids, lifting the lid on a pot of farts they did earlier
approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Simon Harriyott
Also used as a synonym for 'fantastic' - combined with french to create the ultimate praise: c'est la bisto.
When used to compliment a fart, the two uses combine quite nicely to create the image of an adorable thick brown fart.
approved Jan 20 2003, submitted Jan 20 2003 by Name Withheld
We converted the last line of a really bad Christmas hymn from;
'Most highly favoured lady, Gloria' to
'Most highly flavoured gravy, aaaah...Bisto'
approved Jul 28 2003, submitted Jul 27 2003 by Name Withheld
A faintly fruity french teacher should constantly be likened to a bitch on heat. The image of your teacher dragging her arse around on the floor, pulling herself along by the front paws should reduce class sympathy and break the spell of her fruitiness. This will make disobedience and cruelty easier. In the same way that Nazis introduced seperate text books for the biology of jews; it's a tried and tested technique.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The practice of going through a child's packed lunch, removing their sandwiches wrapped in cling film, and bite through the sandwich without breaking the clingfilm. This left the sandwich in manageable, bite-sized pieces. You had to be careful as not to leave a full set of teeth marks, however, as we had seen a show on telly where they caught this murderer by his bite marks he left on his victims body. So we had to be careful just in case the teachers called the police.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Darren Jackson
During Year 7, each form group was forced to go to a grim place in Wales where it is permanently cold called Llandrinio. The whole three days was taken up by crap exercises, but on the second day, Mr Tindle informed us that we would be going orienteering, and thus dropped the whole group off in the minibus into a field in the middle of nowhere with a compass and map. We assumed that he would be supervising us, but he told us he'd see us in around two hours and drove off. We worked out that the cunt had taken ten minutes to drive us there and that the map he'd given us was a detour back to the hostel. We decided that following the road back would get us back there in around half an hour and that Tindle would be tres pleased with our skills.
However, we arrived back at the hostel to find Tindle with his head between Mrs Marchants legs in the communal area and she had no pants on.
We were 13 and didn't know that oral sex existed, and Nigel Shuttleworth informed his mum that he had seen Mr Tindle 'biting the rude parts' of Mrs Marchant.
By a narrow vote, we decided to believe this story. If it does turn out to be a plot from Terry and June, please inform us. Like you always fucking do.
approved Oct 19 2005, submitted Nov 4 2003 by Name Withheld
has anyone else noticed that this entry has appeared before but on a different month, thus highlighting the fact that all the entries on this site are from the people who put it together.

monumental twats.

Just to prove that we don't do this all on our own, anonymous user, I'm going to include your completely off-topic insult. That'll show YOU.

Sometimes I wish we did concoct the stories ourselves; it'd reduce the amount of time I have to spend wading through shit like yours.

Other readers! If you feel the need to insinuate that we make this all up, at least have the courage to pen your name alongside your insults. And try to use the shift key, too.
approved Oct 25 2005, submitted Oct 24 2005 by anonymous user
We always used to sing Bod instead of God in every hymn. The deputy head stopped a hymn halfway through at one point and lectured us about it. He was called Mr Gatwick. I made a 'Mr Gatwick Head' in my pottery art class and we ran a "who can smash Mr Gatwick's head in?" event at the school fete that was a bit like a coconut shy. Mark Beaumont won. I hated Mark Beaumont. He died a couple of years ago of lung cancer. Ha.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Graeme
There's a time and a place, Graeme. And this was both.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
For a short period in Year 6, a few boys discovered and promoted the practice of making a pile of sherbert in one hand, blowing it in someone's face and saying "black magic, man!" in a Jamacian accent.

If they'd just used a bit more French language and Catholic
imagery, it'd basically have been voodoo.
approved Jun 9 2012, submitted Jun 7 2012 by anonymous user
A place you attend if you grass up a friend. Derived from the true poem; "I'm telling, you're smelling, You went to a black man's wedding." Studied carefully, this makes little sense, but that's OK, isn't it?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Hugh Morrisson
The new PC version is 'Batman's wedding' I believe.
approved Nov 17 2003, submitted Nov 12 2003 by Name Withheld
In an attempt to assimilate our one black pupil into the local population, we were all invited to his birthday party. Just before this event, our headmaster held a special assembly to explain why some people were black and some were white.
Everybody was born originally black, but because this was a dirty colour, God made a big lake and everybody had to have a wash in it. So, everybody came and bathed and washed off their blackness and became white.
But, the lake was drying up and so there was only enough water for some to wash their hands and feet.
A great story, for many reasons - its mindbending racism, for one. Also the implication that God just didn't bother refilling the lake, and thought "fuck it, let 'em stay black".
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Apr 9 2003 by Andrew Nicholls
How odd. In hot countries, most people bathe at least once a day. In fact, in my grandparents' era in India, people avoided the whites because the pikey soap-dodgers hardly ever washed.

Luckily, we now live in a time of racial tolerance and these outdated stereotypes are forgotten. See the jolly black woman bathing in the Radox advert! She is what she is.
approved Oct 27 2003, submitted Oct 26 2003 by Chud Bud
After teaching the class that black surfaces absorb light, this concept caused my science teacher to leave the room for a good ten minutes.
I like to imagine that she ran around every other classroom in the building, saying "how can black things be shiny?"
approved Oct 21 2004, submitted Oct 14 2004 by Mike Gavin
Obviously, if a teacher leaves a blackboard unattended with chalk nearby, they must want you to use them. Writing "Gary is Gay" was par for the course, but the truly creative would look out for unattended boards with teachers' content on, and make subtle alterations. This had the bonus of not always requiring chalk, as a well-executed rubbing out of a letter or part of a letter could be just as effective, eg removing the 'o' from 'count', or, even better, removing the 'c' and rubbing out the rightmost quarter of the 'o'. Statistical charts are ideal for adding mountaineers or tightrope walkers. Our pinnacle was infiltrating our form room and spending lunch drawing a huge chalk Jesus, copied from John Bolton's 'Prester John' artwork in Warrior. It was the best drwaing ever drawn in that school, and the teacher let it stay up for a week (there were two boards), although he never mentioned it once.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nick Dimmock
For the revolving whiteboard scenario, where the boards are lifted and lowered to reveal fresh panels, the class can prepare for the teacher by concealing a massive, gushing, member on the rear board. Half-way through the lesson, when the teacher needs mo' whiteboard, bingo! Guage the teacher's reaction; did they go red, and not know what to do? If so, congratulations.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Mr Haste, Jon Blyth
Another way of contriving this is to write PLO (teacher talk for "Please Leave On") on the full blackboards, and drawing a gusher on the rearmost panel. As the teacher searches for a clean panel, the cock draws ever nearer...
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rob Dobson
Every time the country had a general election, our school would have a mock election. 6th formers would form political groups, make outlandish promises, and then do fuck all once in power. It was pretty realistic. (Satire)

One morning, while messing around in our form room before class, someone sneezed near the blank blackboard, spattering a huge amount of snot and phlegm across it.

Not one to miss an opportunity, Matt drew a big circle around the dripping greenie, and wrote 'Vote for the Gob On The Board party'

Next assembly, our headmaster performed a dictatorial coup by telling us the elections were off, thanks to the disgusting contribution made by an unknown person in 4A's form room. We of course, laughed until tears came down our faces...well, the boys did. The girls thought it was disgusting too. Tcha, girls.
approved Jan 23 2003, submitted Jan 15 2003 by Name Withheld
What you do is, you get a permanent marker, the sort that won't come off, and you write OUT OF ORDER across a whiteboard. That wasn't my idea.That was Nick Baxter's. He beat some smug little shit up with a digeridoo.
approved Mar 7 2003, submitted Feb 18 2003 by Name Withheld
A small, geeky, unassuming child tries too hard to look good in front of cooler, funnier classmates and writes "Help, I'm a prisoner in a blackboard factory. Call the police and save me." on an unattended blackboard.
The small, geeky, unassuming child then has the shit kicked out of him by the cool kids he was so desperately trying to impress.
In the back of his mind he's sure that lesson applies to this website somehow, as well.
approved Apr 28 2003, submitted Mar 3 2003 by Nick Hunt
Kids usually write other poeples names on the unattended blackboard - ie smudger is a twat, or some such similar. Being a bit dim I thought no one would be stupid enough to write their own name on a board, so I did, thinking that someone else, anyone else, would get the blame. Unfortunately, there being no markers around, I used one from Terry's pencil case, and it was a permanent marker. so the words 'Jon Robinson wrote this!' remained on the board for a whole week, as no one would own up to writing it. They eventually came off with lots of rubbing.
approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Sep 19 2003 by Jon Robinson
The larger 'Rollaround' blackboards were just large enough to hide a smaller member of the class. Once, prior to our maths teacher appearing, Ian Wright (no, not that one!) hid behind the blackboard armed with a piece of chalk. Throughout the lesson Mr Riat was most confused when the things he had written at the beginning of the lesson had mysteriously disappeared when we asked to him to explain them again.
Mate, I would have had as much faith in your story if you'd said it WAS 'that' Ian Wright. If you expect me to believe that your mate was the elastic bloke out of the X-Files and that Mr Riat didn't notice a pair of legs coming out of the bottom of the board, then, well, you'd better blummin' well think again. Do you remember shortly after this happened, you woke up and ate your cornflakes? - Mansh
approved Apr 15 2005, submitted Jan 28 2005 by anonymous user
1. Write the letters W-A-N-K-E-R using the technique of licking a finger, writing the letter, and then vigorously pounding the blackboard eraser on top of it so the chalk dust sticks to the moisture.
2. Cover the blackboard with 'normal' writing;
3. Then wait for the teacher to come into the classrom and clean the blackboard at the start of the lesson. The 'normal' chalk words are removed and HOOP-LA! the word 'WANKER' remains.
'Proper' vandals may consider the use of Pritt.
approved Feb 19 2006, submitted Feb 17 2006 by Name Withheld