The Law of the Playground
the letter b
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Aged 7 or 8, myself and Wayne Twigg found ourselves under a bench in his dad's greenhouse with his dad's rude magazine. Never having seen a nude lady before, we were both rather taken aback by our first sight of an adult lady's spreadeagled flaps. "It looks like a horrible-looking blancmange" cried Wayne, visibly shocked.
Much as I've tried, I've never been able to get this connection out of my head.
approved Jan 19 2008, submitted Feb 23 2006 by captive anus
Jon Fennell got sent out of history - can't remember why. What I DO remember is that moments later, the classroom door crashed open and Jon burst in 'riding' an industrial floor waxer, 'revving' the handlebars and shouting 'VHRUMMM! VHRUMMM!'.

I don't think I've ever felt more love for another man than at that moment.
approved Sep 29 2003, submitted Sep 27 2003 by Andy Mansh
Dennis was told to leave Chemistry by Mrs Tench. For some minutes, he continued to pull faces and flip v-signs at the window. Mrs Tench announced, rightly, that he would get bored of his juvenile behaviour if we just ignored him.
Sure enough, he disappeared. Minutes later, he roared past the windows of the classroom in Mrs Tench's crash helmet, riding Mrs Tench's moped.
Mrs Tench remained admirably stoic throughout the incident, ignoring Dennis' antics until other teachers dismounted him mid-donut and led him away.
approved Aug 10 2006, submitted Jul 19 2005 by Tony Green
In a desperate bid to end the scrunched-up paper-ball war that erupted in the middle of a chemistry lesson, our substitute teacher took an unusual step.
Adam had belted one at the whiteboard which, unfortunately, connected with the teacher's forehead. He told Adam to come to the front of the class, while drawing a circle on the white board. Adam was then intructed to put his nose in the circle, presumably in the same way that dog's noses are rubbed in shit.
With a patronising disdain, Adam eyed the substitute, emitted a weary 'Oh, do fuck off', and elected to send himself out of the class with a swagger, to a ripple of awestruck applause. The look of eyebrow-raised disbelief on the substitute's face suggested the law of immunity in excess had been applied.
approved Aug 20 2006, submitted May 23 2006 by Name Withheld
So annoyed was our Irish teacher with one lad's persistent attempts to derail a lesson that he reached over two desks, caught hold of the boy's lapels and, in time-honoured Regan-from-the-Sweeney-fashion, began to shake the living shite out of him, proclaiming "YOU'VE INTERRUPTED ME FOR THE LAST TIME, YE WEE TUBE YE!!", through the most gritted teeth I had ever seen, at that stage in my 13-year existence. Mr X then proceeded to haul the boy over the aforementioned desks and throw him out onto the corridor. He then did that "Anybody else want some?" routine, believing that peace would now reign over the class. He hadn't realised that one of the pupil's shoes had come off in the altercation and completely lost it when the boy feebly tapped the door and came in waving a white sock in mock surrender to ask the teacher if he could have his shoe back.
approved Nov 20 2006, submitted Sep 17 2006 by Aidan Doherty
A code-word signifying that it is time for the boys in the back row to take off their blazers, drape them across their laps and masturbate.
There appeared to be no aspect of competition, and I'm not sure whether they realised that they weren't fooling anyone.
approved Sep 17 2003, submitted Sep 8 2003 by chin tee
Insult derived from the use of bleach on underwear to remove skid marks. "You've been bleaching again, you dirty bleacher!"

In fairness, I'd rather be accused of bleaching the skids out of my kex than leaving them there to form gold watches. Better still, I suppose, would be to go through school entirely skid free. I can dream, can't I?
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Sep 25 2003 by Nicolas Kastoris, Phil Glansvile
A pair of breasts so outstanding that you feel compelled to say "blimey".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Readers! Can you spot anything slightly wrong with this story? Try!
At my school, which was a school for the blind, we played football inside a fenced off area. Occassionaly the ball would go over the fence and as we were all blind we couldn't see where it had landed. To get round that problem, one of us would stay inside the fenced area and the other nine would go to the opposite side as directed by the bloke inside the fence. We would all then lie in a line and roll around on the floor until one of us found the ball. (Or some dog poo).
approved Dec 22 2003, submitted Dec 17 2003 by Benedict Reeves
Nothing odd about the story. Blindies use balls with bells in them to play soccer. The trouble is when the ball stops moving the bell stops ringing.

Oh PLEASE let this be true! Yes, it's cruel to mock the afflicted, but if they voluntarily choose to run about in the dark listening out for a jangling hamster toy, they deserve everything they get, frankly.
approved Jan 6 2004, submitted Dec 30 2003 by anonymous user
Go to the British Blind Sport website for the lowdown on lots of blind sports, including football.
By far the best blind game is goalball, however - I saw it on TV a while ago, but had completely forgotten it until just now.
This, people, is GOALBALL!!!
approved Oct 6 2004, submitted Jan 6 2004 by Davy .
Blind cricket employs similar devices. The bowler lobs a football-sized zeppelin filled with ball bearings and the batsman swishes around vainly trying to make contact. As the fielders are scrabbling around following the rustle of the ball the batsmen have the potential to run hundreds, if they only knew where the fucking wickets were.
approved Jan 14 2004, submitted Jan 13 2004 by Name Withheld
The reliance by some teachers on the Monty Python Déja Vu sketch theory that repetition of something that isn't funny (especially nicknames for students) follows a sort of sine wave of funniness. The 3rd, 7th, and 11th time you say something will be funny, albeit in an exasperating kind of way, no matter what. This does NOT work. However, the repetition of something that irritates a teacher will get steadily funnier with each repetition. This isn't fair, but really, teachers shouldn't even try.
approved Dec 11 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A game of genuine bravery. Wait until the teacher's back is turned, then stand up, with your eyes closed, sticking two fingers up. The longer you dared do it, the cooler you were. If they teacher discovered you, then you could almost plead ignorance - you had your eyes closed, so you didn't know your fingers were up. Sort of thing.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Olly Lambert
An exercise designed so that pupils could understand the pain and suffering that blind people go through every day.

What it actually did was give people a perfect excuse to stumble around aimlessly and break things ("but I'm blind, miss") and savagely wield the provided white sticks in the playground, leading to an awesome clacking sound that could be heard several miles away.

The finest moment came when one pupil was led around the school blindfolded by his or her 'carer'. I certainly understood the pain and suffering felt by blind people, especially after I got pushed down a small flight of stairs and hit my head on the radiator.

I feel I now have a better understand of the blinds. Thanks, school.
approved Jan 3 2006, submitted Sep 4 2005 by Alistair Gray
1) shit in sink
2) fill sink with bottles of Quink
3) send unimportant child to inform caretaker that someone's filled the sink with ink
4) assume casual-looking stance by urinals along with mates
5) attempt not to giggle
6) caretaker arrives, and attempts to unplug sink WITHOUT GLOVES
7) bingo - blue poo!
8) oh yeah, run.
approved Dec 3 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Callahan
Me and Tony Jenkins were sliding down the old grassy slope known as "Ballas Hill". It was called that because it was made up of the ballast from the ships which had visited Llanelli to take on coal from the local collieries.

Log says:
That's very interesting but you've called your story Bloodshot Buttocks, and when you've got a title that magnificent it behooves you to get on with it. I'm a busy man and I demand my bloodshot buttocks.

We were using bits of corrugated iron we had found as sleds, and we were going higher and higher up the hill to gain more speed each time.

On what would turn out to be the last run of the day, I was in the lead - but I fell off my sheet after hitting a bump. Tony came down after me, slid over my sheet, and screamed.

Skimming over my sheet had had an effect on his buttocks not unlike taking a large ham slicer to them. He lost two large round chunks of buttock muscle, and his bum ended up looking like two bloodshot eyes staring out of his shorts.

Log says:
Is Tony Jenkins reading this? Can we have a look at your buttocks please? We tried looking you up on Facebook but we just got some sex pest from Kentucky
approved Feb 11 2013, submitted Sep 12 2012 by anonymous user
In year four we heard that someone in year five at another school gave blowjobs to boys if they went to her house. The only snag was you weren't allowed to be seen walking down her street at all. Ever. You had to duck past all the ornamental redbrick walls at the bottom of the garden as scream 'blowjob' at her house and she would come out and give you a blowjob. The flaws in this were never spotted.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Kris Foster
Step 1: Take a biro, and remove the innards, leaving the plastic casing alone. Step 2: Nick an exercise book or two from the poorly-guarder stock cupboard. Step 3: Tear off small pieces, and soak in (your) mouth to form a ball. Step 4: Jam into the casing, and blow out of the narrow end at pretty high velocity. Step 5: Fire at will.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jason C
I misguidedly invented 'Blowgun RISK' for our physics lessons. Based loosly on the game of the same name. You got points for attacking other 'continents' succesfully, ie winning a 'blowgun battle'. Other continents were other tables, The group of hard lads was obviously North America, the group of physics boffins was obviously Australasia. I spent ages working out elaborate rules. Unfortunately when I excitedly annouced our new activity to the rest of the class you can guess the painful result.
approved Jan 18 2003, submitted Jan 13 2003 by Joel Anderson
Take the bit from the end of a shoelace. Fray out the lace, and push a pin through. You now have a small dart, which when launched through the trusty hollow biro will stick into someone's body (or, more amusingly, face) and hang there in a relatively painless way, giving them tetanus.
approved Feb 26 2003, submitted Jan 18 2003 by anonymous user
Holding a thermometer in a bunsen flame for long enough will eventually cause the mercury to expand, break the glass and spurt out of the end. With practice, this can be aimed.
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Mar 26 2003 by Julian Burnell
If curiosity beat your common sense, and you showed an interest in finding out where the blue goldfish was, your head would be flushed in the toilet. However, at least you now know where the blue goldfish is, and you can teach other people.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jimbo
Its also what happens when each member of your biology class is given a goldfish in a beaker to study anatomy on. From memory, those that weren't killed with the inking were finished by the vicious stirring with a ruler.
approved Apr 14 2005, submitted Dec 7 2004 by Rob Affleck
In what, with hindsight, can now be seen as a cry for help from a very lonely boy, Pavandeep started pinching people's phones and 'bluetoothing' the pictures and videos of them going out and having fun to his own phone, so he could show his parents and pretend that he was there.

There was a time when exclusion didn't involve technology. I remember it well - Conor

approved Oct 31 2005, submitted Jul 14 2005 by Bionic Sheep
"Have you ever touched a BMW?" If you answer no, then it means you are too poor to have touched a BMW. If you answer yes, then it shall be revealed that BMW stands for Black Man's Willy. Hilarity, as ever, would ensue.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Noel Gardner
"Would you suck a black man's willy for a banana?"
"Would you suck a black man's willy for TWO bananas?"
"Well what WOULD you suck a black man's willy for, then?"

Hilarity will ensue, as assuredly as night follows day.
approved Jul 21 2003, submitted Jul 21 2003 by anonymous user
If the response is a well-thought-out 'I wouldn't suck a black man's willy for anything', this can be easily (if unimpressively) counteracted with 'Oh, so you would suck it for SOMETHING then.'
approved Oct 28 2003, submitted Oct 25 2003 by Brendan Walken
BMX boys have a lot of fun,
sticking their handlbars up their bum.

This is true.
approved Apr 28 2003, submitted Apr 12 2003 by anonymous user
A bizarre quasi-religious cult movement founded by several people in my year following the discovery of a mocked-up pub sign beneath the stage in the Hall. It was presumably a piece of scenery from a pantomime. The Boar's Head was protected jealously, and its status as a sign from God was akin to that of the Ark of the Covenant. I think it was believed that any army which carried the Boar's Head before it was invincible, so numbers of the converted swelled. A rival faction claiming to be the 'anti-Boar's head' made an appearance at one point, but it was not popular.

I last saw the Boar's Head in an industrial dustbin when they shut the school down. I would have rescued it for posterity, had it not been covered in garbage and rotting food.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 8 2003 by Conor Franklin
In Year 8 we spent a few months playing the dangerous but irresistable game of Bob Baiting. Unpopular ginger-haired lonely psycho bully Bob Sheldon used to eat his lunch solo in the classroom every day. We would enter the room in a big group with a raincoat and a school tie, sneak up behind Bob, throw the raincoat over his head and quickly tie it tight around his neck with the tie (this in itself was a dangerous activity but David Harvey was nimble and stupid enough to give it a go most lunchtimes).

Bob would rise from his desk, scattering books and sandwiches, and start lumbering blindly around the room in search of his antagonists. We would all run around the room, taunting Bob, hitting and slapping Bob, dodging Bob, yelling out "Wobert got no fwiends", until someone's nerve broke and we would all make for the exit door. At this point, the trick was to SHUT THE LAST GUY IN.

The climax of the game came as we would hold the door shut from outside the room, listening while the victim trapped inside would vainly rattle the handle until Bob located and beat the living shit out of him. I never suffered this fate myself, but I was there the day that Alan Israel got locked in, and Bob broke his nose by smashing his face against the wall. This resulted in a high-level headmaster's inquiry and the eventual demise of Bob Baiting as a regular sport.

Another Bob detail: Bob had an unpleasant spitty laugh, a sort of "spllpllscchchchschschhh" that would spray his unfortunate interlocutors with saliva and bits of chewed sandwich.

I used to imitate this laugh when Bob wasn't around, so well that I'd get requests, and a new Bob-baiting game took off: run up to Bob, go "spllpllschschschschch" in his face, then sprint off.

Bob cornered me one afternoon and informed me that the development of this new sport was my responsibility, and he darkly warned me that for every kid who ran up to him and did the spitty laugh, Bob would give me a "dead leg". And so for the entire rest of that fucking year and well on into the next, I lived in constant fear of Bob stampeding out of nowhere and kneeing me in the thigh.

Bob is now a barrister.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Simon Mantle
I spent most of my time as a four-year-old trying to prise the rocket out of the backpack of the Boba Fett Star Wars action figure. I was sure that, once the rocket was detached, Boba Fett's backpack would open up new worlds of entertainment.

Boba Fett's rocket was not detachable. There was no entertainment to be had in his backpack. I'm sure there's a valuable life lesson to be learned in this somewhere, but I can't detach the damned rocket to find out what it is.
approved Apr 1 2004, submitted Feb 21 2004 by Tom Gilboa