The Law of the Playground
the letter c
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An odd game. Involved walking around the playground on the lines - those painted to represent the netball court, football pitch, etc. - without bumping into anyone else. If a bump occured the two bumpees must sing the chorus of Diana Ross' most joyous hit single.
approved Oct 23 2003, submitted Oct 9 2003 by Ginger Snaps
Large cocks drawn on the seats of chairs so that it looked like you had your flaccid member nestling on the seat between your legs. Tipp-Ex was ideal for adding two or three drops of flying jism.

Not to be confused with a more sinister nob, drawn further back on the seat. If you sat on it this meant that you thought it was a real nob, and you had leapt onto it in the hope that you would get bummed by classroom furniture.
approved Oct 20 2011, submitted Apr 28 2006 by Stephen Noonan
5th year Geography techer so named because we noticed that he used to itch his bits on the corner of his desk. So one lesson we covered all four corners with chalk - a different colour on each corner. By the end of the lesson it was like Joseph and his Amazing Technicolour Dream Trousers.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Simon On
An unwise time to secretly scratch your balls is when wearing polyester / viscose mix trousers after using the blackboard. There is bound to be some chalk left on your fingers, and this will transfer directly to your crotch. So clear are the markings that pupils can distinguish a simple ball scratch to a pinching rearrangement of the penis.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Helena And
Double Ammunition for the pupils at our school. Milham was in the papers in 1982 for allegedly supplying cocaine. The case was dismissed and he got his job back. He used to scratch his bollocks and leave a chalky white residue around the area, hence the double entendre 'Charlie Chalk'. Ingenious work for a bunch of 12-year-olds, you must agree.
approved Mar 7 2003, submitted Feb 18 2003 by Name Withheld
Chalky balls: The victim is held down by two assailants, while a third assailant uses a piece of chalk to draw a set of male genitalia on the victim's black school trousers, right over the crotch area. The victim now has three choices. One, spend the next twenty minutes openly rubbing his crotch to remove the artwork. Two, run to the toilets to wash it off, making him look like he's pissed himself. Three, leave the offending artwork for all to see. Playground catch 22-ing at its finest.
approved Mar 14 2003, submitted Mar 13 2003 by Paul Watson
"Can you lend me 50p?" could quite rightfully be answered with "What do you think it is, Charity Week?" Typically, denser characters took the insult to illogical conclusions. "What time is it?" "What do you think it is, Charity Week?"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by John Levon
Brett was our fun class scapegoat. Each break time we would playfully chase him across the playing fields until we caught him, whereupon a joyfully mild beating would be administered.
I thought of this as run-of-the-mill schoolboy horsefoolery, until my mate from another class furnished me with a more objective viewpoint. He had one of those teachers who would keep students back on any flimsy pretext, so his class often got to see our fun. He provided me with this description.
  • The bell would ring. There would then be a gap of some 30 seconds, during which his entire class would stare out of the window.
  • Like a panicked Gazelle, Palfrey would spring out from the buildings and beat a breakneck path across the playing fields.
  • There would be a further gap of about 5 seconds, as an underfoot thunder gathered force.
  • The doors burst open, and a screaming mess of boyhood (containing a significant number of the rugby team) throttled towards the fleeing Palfrey.
  • Palfrey would be engulfed. His bag, ejected from the melee, would follow a graceful parabola before showering the ground with his books.
  • The cloud would then disperse, cheerfully discussing the whimsical dusting-down that had just been meted out.
  • A broken Palfrey forlornly picked up his books, put them back in his bag, and waited until he could get back to the comparative safety of the classroom.
approved Oct 15 2004, submitted Oct 15 2004 by Bitching Pedant
Any thrill which causes adolescent excitement is a cheapy. You "get your cheapies" by becoming embarrassingly over-excited at any mention of sex, violence, snuff movies, girls pants etc.

Used pejoratively as a self-regulating disciplinary mechanism amongst groups of teenage boys:
"Eugh! Smiffy's getting his cheapies"
approved Aug 15 2004, submitted Apr 24 2004 by anonymous user
a real, exceptionally scummy street in birmingham where all prostitutes, including your mum, work.
approved Jan 15 2003, submitted Jan 2 2003 by peter taste
Birmingham also has the delightfully named places of Camp Hill, Lickey End, Acocks Green and Shaftmoor Lane. Hours of fun.

Town planners do it deliberately you know. Rude-sounding place names are what made this country the Great Britain that it is. Ah, I can almost hear the sound of a suggestively brassy trombone and Esther Ranzen chuckling her way through a link to a piece on cot death. Nostalgia!
approved Feb 6 2003, submitted Jan 15 2003 by anonymous user, Susan Tobacco
If you take a stroll up the Lickey Hills in Birmingham you will find Twatling Road. Legend had it that that Ron Atkinson lived there - though I'm not sure what the original name of the street was, before he moved in.

Ho ho! A footy punchline. That's the last we'll have of that, thank you very much; we wouldn't want to be mistaken for Richard Oakey's mates.
approved Sep 23 2006, submitted Sep 7 2003 by Mr Hobbs
Pinch a flap of skin on your cheek between thumb and middle finger, then use the index to make a fold in the resulting bulge. Hey presto, you have something vaguely resembling a bald vagina on your face.
This was demonstrated to me aged 8, when I had never seen a cunt, didn't know what the word meant, and had no idea whether a bald cunt was funnier than a hairy one. It was on the guy's cheek though, so I laughed anyway.
approved Jun 24 2005, submitted May 5 2005 by The Boy Tucker
A post Joey Deacon, post-Scoper word. Unusually considerate in that it was designed not to insult the victim directly, as they wouldn't know what you were on about. Currently seems to be growing in use, but still only widely used in the Essex/London area as far as I know.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dean A
When submitting entries to Law of the Playground, please try to make sure you're not ripped off your tits on a cocktail of amphetamines and brain retarders. For your delight, I bring you - the rather lovely Charlotte Ackrill!
At my school we had a supply freak called Mr Simmonds who looked like Chief Wiggum if he's opted for a Terry Nutkins haircut. He wasnt qualified to teach so instead he'd pick on the class punchbag and direct a tirade of abuse at him until old man simmonds face went red and he started spitting like a retard achieving his first masturbatory orgasm in a broken lift in the sahara. once the spitting had occured it was a signal for the whole class to erupt like a versuvius of snot in laughter at the victim who would generaly end up crying at the spectacle before him. We are still at a loss as to why he did this and why he called it cheese on toast but it generally happened at christmas after screening a video of him doing the laughing policeman at another school he wished he'd never left.
approved Sep 13 2005, submitted Sep 6 2005 by Charlotte Ackrill
A classic scenario between mother and child. Either through the child's one-off expression of preference, or because the mother is simply mistaken, the mother gets it into her head that her son likes cheese sandwiches.
She will then give her son cheese sandwiches until he finishes his GCSEs. The son will at first eat them, because - after all - he likes cheese sandwiches. Soon, they will be left, rotting, in long-forgotten bag pockets and hedges on the way to school. After five years, the boy might even have to find new ways to walk to school, to avoid over-saturating certain roads with cheese fucking sandwiches.
I did bring this up with my mother in adult life, and she asked me why I didn't say anything at the time. But... you can't, can you?
NOTE : Use this effect to your advantage with less-visited and possibly housebound relatives, who will fill their home with your favourite thing, and you can go around there whenever you feel like it.
approved Aug 25 2004, submitted Apr 9 2004 by chris meeko
This was where you would get a packet of round maize balls (usually 6p and sometimes fortified with vitamins on the premise that anyone so poor as to eat them probably didn't have a healthy diet) and then insert them one-by-one under your foreskin, then pull your flap over them until they disappeared. You would do this for as many as you could and put them back in the packet. Then you would offer them around, safe in the knowledge that if anyone called your bluff, you could quite safely put your own cock cheese in your mouth.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Robsa Walker
The unbelievable but true name of an Australian who attempted the World Rolling Record in St. Albans. This involved rolling around the field, egged on by his colleagues. Egging on consisted of friendly kicks to the back.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
I defy anyone to find a better use for a periodic table. Simply make rude words up from the available elements.
For example...BiTcH (bismuth, technetium and hydrogen), GaY, FUCK, PoO and especially SnOTi.
approved Dec 12 2003, submitted Dec 4 2003 by Name Withheld
Zoe was nicknamed 'Casio'. She believed it was because she had a brilliant mathematical mind - like a pocket calculator. In fact, as you may remember from lessons about iron smelting, CaSiO3 is the chemical formula for slag.
approved Dec 24 2003, submitted Dec 24 2003 by Jasmine Strong

Argon Selenium = ArSe
Barium Rutherfordium = BaRf
Bismuth Scandium Uranium Iodine Terbium Arsenic Hydrogen Erbium = BiScUITbAsHEr
Boron Oxygen Nitrogen Erbium = BONEr
Boron Oxygen Oxygen Boron Sulphur = BOOBS
Boron Uranium Mercury Germanium Radium = BUHgGeRa
Calcium Nitrogen Sodium bismuth Sulphur = CaNNaBiS
Cobalt Carbon Potassium = CoCK
Cobalt Carbon Potassium Lutetium Vanadium Erbium = CoCKLuVEr
Cobalt Carbon Potassium Sulphur Uranium Carbon Potassium Erbium = CoCKSUCKEr
Copper Nitrogen Titanium = CuNTi
Fluorine Argon Titanium = FArTi
Fluorine Oxygen Radon Iodine Calcium Tellurium = FORnICaTe
Fluorine Uranium Carbon Potassium Erbium = FUCKEr
Gallium Sulphur Hydrogen = GaSH
Gallium Sulphur sulphur Yttrium = GaSSY
Holmium Molybdenum = HoMo
Holmium Thulium Oxygen Thorium Erbium = HoTmOThEr
Lanthanium Bismuth Arsenic = LaBiAs
Molybdenum Uranium Selenium Cobalt Carbon Potassium = MoUSeCoCK
Molybdenum Thorium Erbium Fluorine Uranium Carbon Potassium Erbium = MoThErFUCKEr
Oxygen Ruthenium Fluorine Iodine Cerium = ORuFICe
Oxygen Vanadium Argon Iodine Einsteinium = OVArIEs
Phosphorus Iodine Nitrogen Potassium Sulphur Gold Sulphur Silver Einsteinium = PINK SAuSAgEs
Phosphorus Iodine Sulphur Sulphur = PISS
Plutonium Beryllium Tellurium Arsenic Erbium = PuBeTeAsEr
Polonium Oxygen Fluorine = PoOF
Polonium Radon Oxygen = PoRnO
Praseodymium Iodine Carbon Potassium = PrICK
Plutonium Sodium Nickel = PuNaNi
Plutonium Sodium Nickel Lithium Carbon Potassium Erbium = PuNaNiLiCKEr
Scandium Tungsten Iodine Nitrogen Germanium = ScWINGe
Sulphur Hydrogen Iodine Tellurium = SHITe
Sulphur Hydrogen Iodine Tellurium Yttrium Cobalt Carbon Potassium = SHITeY CoCK
Sulphur Iodine Carbon Potassium = SICK
Sulphur Phosphorus Uranium Nitrogen Potassium = SPUNK
Titanium Titanium Einsteinium = TiTiEs
Vanadium Silver Iodine Sodium = VAgINa
Tungsten Sodium Potassium Erbium = WNaKEr
Yttrium Oxygen Uranium Rhenium Gallium Yttrium = YOURe GaY
Useful prefixes:
Carbon Helium Einsteinium Yttrium = CHeEsY
Sulphur Titanium Nitrogen Potassium Yttrium = STiNKY

(Editor's Note : Anna Williams either suffers from autism and Tourettes, or has looked this up on the "internet". In any event, thank you Anna.)

(Anna replies : Sadly, neither is true, Editor. I spent far too much time finding out which rude words are possible with the periodic table and which aren't. I'm still rather disgruntled that one cannot fashion 'your dad blows goats' with the abbreviations.)
approved Nov 12 2004, submitted May 13 2004 by Name Withheld
Magnesium ribbon - a favourite. Produces an intense white light when lit. Can cause temporary blindness if let off in someone's face.
Sodium - produces unimpressive fizzing display when dropped in a sink full of water unless you've got enough to simulate Krakatoa. Dunking a head in the fizz will cause extreme panic and some flailing.
Phosphorus - the heavyweight. Ignites on contact with the air! Imagine sticking it down someone's collar!
Master these three and you may move on to caesium, if you can get the key to the special cupboard.
approved Mar 28 2003, submitted Mar 20 2003 by Conor Franklin
Another battle tested chem-lab weapon was a DIY cattle-brand made by heating up a test tube holder until it was glowing hot and then pressing the prongs down on a classmates books, pencil case, tie, blazer etc, leaving a livid black imprint. Livid!
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Apr 1 2003 by chemical hazard
Here's one we learned from experience: copper sulphate, when flung into someone's eye from across the room, causes a club sandwich triple of hilarity;
1. The victim's agony is most immediately and most obviously hilarious.
2. The classroom will be left alone for forty minutes while the teacher runs around, hoping to bump into a paramedic. This allowed for simple unnattended paper-plane throwing hilarity.
3. The next day, the victim comes into school like a jazzy panda with an orange eye, which is of course funny in itself, but will be rendered hilarious when he kicks the crimson shit out of his tormentor.
When this happened in our class, hilarity just didn't stop ensuing.
approved Jul 12 2004, submitted Oct 27 2003 by Blort Snart
Our science teacher once gave us a demonstration of what happens when you reverse the motor in a vacuum cleaner. We soon discovered that the best use for this device was to fire red-hot boiling tubes at unsuspecting students.
approved Sep 2 2005, submitted Jul 9 2005 by anonymous user
That pales into insignifigance next to the mini-ELO stage show that is opening all the gas taps around a square workstation and lighting them. With just a snaffled pack of Swan Vestas the entire classroom can look like a Bonnie Tyler video.
approved Oct 13 2005, submitted Sep 3 2005 by Drew Styles
Apparatus: Chlorine gas, a 'Griffin Savers' school bag and Richard Savage's head.
Method: Combine.
Conclusion: With his head bagged, Richard is both dead and alive according to quantum law; in a superposition of states. It is only when Creedy removes the bag and sees that although Richard WANTED to die during the experiment, he is in fact alive - that the superposition is lost.
approved Nov 11 2005, submitted Oct 19 2005 by Tony Green
An insult for boys or girls who have red faces. A superior insult to "Ding Dong, Avon Calling", as it completely robs the victim of any comeback. This is because, in essence, it makes no sense.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
An alternative activity to looking at me, but one which unfortunately has the same outcome, to wit, losing your fucking teeth.
approved Oct 31 2003, submitted Oct 31 2003 by damien ricicle
The old Wrigleys packs of chewing gum used to have 3 pictures on the back, one of a pair of lips, one of an envelope (no idea why) and one of a man putting litter in a bin. Tear the wrapper into three, mix them up and predict a friend's romantic future.

If you pick the piece of paper with the lips on, then someone's going to kiss you. If you get the envelope, someone's going to write you a love letter. If you get the bin, you're going to get dumped, which doesn't really work if you were single, but such is the scrambled logic of the hormonal pre-teen.
approved Sep 29 2003, submitted Sep 27 2003 by Alistair Gray
Dicking about on the stage in the main hall during an Art lesson, Danny Bailey and myself got bored and decided to throw random objects at David Forsyth, a confused young boy who used to draw pictures of axe murderers. Legend had it that his dad drew Count Duckula.
The first object that came to hand was a Chewit, and it was thrown a good 50 feet across the hall, hitting him square on the head and causing him to explode with shock, casting his pencils and drawing equipment into the air in a true comedy moment - it was probably the most accurate shot I've ever seen in my life.

I saw David Forsyth in a pub last year, and his girlfriend was better looking than mine, bastard.
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Mar 1 2003 by Alistair Gray