The Law of the Playground
the letter c
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This was a martial art invented and practiced in my secondary school. Pioneered by Matthew Roche and Jason Walker, it involved opponents (one-on-one or team event) running at each other at high speed, jumping into the air, whilst turning so that the bums of each opponent would clash. The main idea was to knock your opponent off balance in mid-air so that they would land flat on the concrete with a rather loud slap. It was also customary to chant 'chicken bumswing' in a mild Oriental voice whilst in battle.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by No Thanks
Legendary local tramp who seemed to be based in the local scrap metal dealer. Fundamental to the legend of Chicken George is that he was actually a millionaire (honestly, a 17 year old boy with a scooter who hangs around with 12 year old girls says so). We found out later on in life that Chicken George had a Godly omnipresence, or moved around frequently, as he seems to have been the legendary local tramp for schoolchildren covering a twenty-mile radius.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Andy Huffer
What Andy left out was the reason Chicken George (or the local equivalent) gave up all his money to roam the streets, shitting himself. Why he left his wife and three children to bark at strangers. The reasons I have heard are (1) that he had a mental breakdown and forgot who he was (2) he had had the rapture, and was now barking for God, and (3) possessions hadn't brought him happiness. The last one, I think, was spread about by parents who didn't want to buy you things.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Muttering John walked up and down the street sipping coffee and talking to himself because he was a famous 1980s Wall Street tycoon who had overdosed on cocaine, leading to a mental breakdown and a life on the streets. If got close enough to hear what he was saying, you'd discover his brilliant stock tips that could turn you, too, into a millionaire.
approved Feb 10 2003, submitted Dec 29 2002 by C T
In my area the local tramp was this guy with a bad leg. There was this one bench he slept on and in the end the police taped it off. It had something on it-blood or shit, one of the two-and the poor kids played on it. But one day me and my mates were walking back through town and this nurse told us to buy some milk for him. Before we had a chance to say no, she gave us 2 to buy it. We bought him the crappy milk, and then we ran away. Before he was there, it was a guy named ''Dunken Danny''. He used to stand in the corner of the shopping centre and get pissed. He got hit on the head with a frying pan and died.
approved Apr 24 2003, submitted Apr 12 2003 by Luke Tansey
There was a guy where I grew up called the Chicken Man, but this was because he actually had a chicken. He'd cycle around town with a cage above his rear wheel, containing a live chicken. We always assumed it was the same well-loved chicken that he was taking for a ride, although in retrospect he could have been ferrying a neverending procession of chickens to his special chicken murdering spot.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Sep 25 2003 by Name Withheld
Some remedial classes, because of the innately gentle nature of the mentally unexcellent, are sometimes charged with the care of several chickens. At Great Sankey High School, the use of being in the chicken group as an insult lasted until a child took it upon himself to destroy all the chickens with a spade.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Pros
A game on the BBC computers at primary school. I forget what it was called, and what the point of it was, but every now and then the screen would fill up with chickens and eggs and then the question would be popped "What came first, the chicken or the egg?"
I never knew the answer.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 8 2003 by Leigh Hall
The use of the nail on the index finger of one hand to scratch the back of the other hand, repeatedly and continuously. The aim was to go past redness, rawness, and well into the open wound category leaving scabs for weeks and possible scarring. The really hard, and thus trendy people would rescratch partially healed scratches to ensure they were 'fresh'. The practice was banned in an assembly when a couple of kids got blood poisoning.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Andy Holt
The competitive form of this game is known as 99s, where two people alternately scratch each others' hands in rounds of ten scratches.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Michael Jennings
At our school (after I left, fortunately for me), this was apparently done with paperclips, and it was so widespread that letters were sent to all parents to warn of the menace.
approved Feb 27 2003, submitted Jan 16 2003 by Jeff Standen
This got taken a stage further when some psychotics found that if you pulled a long piece of stiff wire hard and fast in a to and fro motion against a desk leg, friction would make the wire very hot. Very hot.
The fun was then to apply this home made branding iron to someone elses' flesh while it was still at max heat. The victim would have to show ultra-bottle by not flinching, screaming, or retching at the crematorium smells emerging from his cauterised arm.
There was interplay on the basis of how hot the victim thought the torturer could get the wire, how brutal he could be, and finally that it would then be time to reverse roles. So at first it could be quite experimental and gentle, no more than red marks or the odd blister. But then it got vicious.
It went wrong when the manky infected wounds were noticed, and a general inspection of the boys' limbs was held. The fact we all looked like deflated Michelin Men was noted, and we were all roundly bollocked.
approved Mar 9 2003, submitted Mar 5 2003 by Bob Spaghetti
Sandpaper covers a wider area - perfect for the facial area. After repeated "sandpaperings" you'd look like you'd had a chemical peel.

Initially conceived as a method to pick on the lame and weak, this quickly became a badge of honour, so that after a week 95% of the male school children resembled burn victims.
approved Oct 22 2003, submitted Oct 22 2003 by sane man
The process by which one girl (it was done mostly by girls at my school) would be repeatedly scratched by another girl on the forearm. This continued until blood flowed or the scratchie chickened out, due to a growing sense of pain, nausea and medical shock.
Devonshire girls... you gotta love 'em. Or they'll smash your fucking face in.
approved Apr 18 2005, submitted Jan 28 2004 by Name Withheld
I believe that this is the best entry we have EVER had.
When I was a child these five girls used to love kissing me all at the same time! When they had finished I would proceed to punch this guy named Edward in the stomach!
Were YOU a bigger child stud than Murray Pirret? Perhaps you were snorting coke off a prozzies' tits at nine years old. We NEED to know.
approved Nov 5 2006, submitted Oct 29 2006 by Murray Pirret
After resisting all the uses of the chin for a long time (feeling that Baddiel and Newman had covered it adequately), here they are:
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
hinny beef : Once a victim has been taunted to the point where they start lashing out, sulking, or (at best) crying it was then the aggressor may move in, and say "Chinny Beef". This was usually accompanied with a raking of the chin with the fingers of one hand and a simultaneous action on the victim's chin with the other. Ultimately though, no taunting was complete until the victim had "a chinny on".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Kevin Deighton
chinny reckon, chin wag : when a colleague makes a wildly wrong statement, such as "I saw Jaws 5 when I was on holiday in America", then the chinny reckon informs them that they are wrong.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by PantsBoy
jimmy hill, tutankhamun, etcetera : evolved forms of the chinny reckon. Whereas chinny reckon involves scratching your chin, these remixes can involve scratching thin air where your chin would be, if it was the size of Jimmy Hill's. Even better, Tutankhamun's death mask.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rob Newman
ayatollah, ayatollah! : after winning an agument, you have "sussed" your opponent, and may run around combing your imaginary ayatollah's beard. Should a friend be at hand, they may grab at your chin, then run off, extending your invisible beard to unimaginable lengths before somebody cuts it off.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matt King
chin nuggets : recipe for Chin Nuggets. Seize your victim in the classic "nuggy" position, with their head clamped underneath your arm. Then rub your chin all over their head whilst allowing yourself to dribble freely. Whilst doing this, make gleeful gurgling noises. This special attack is good for humiliation only, as it doesn't really hurt.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Imagine: a young chinese boy walking into a strange new English school with the name Chin. I was asking for it really, wasn't I? My mum tells me that in my first year I pleaded with her to change my name. Apparently she found it highly amusing too.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 8 2003 by chin tee
The Chin Violin : As above but, you'd sing an instantly made up god awful tune really loud in the face of the liar, whilst playing the chin with an imaginary bow.
approved Sep 26 2003, submitted Sep 26 2003 by Tom Ablewhite
Giving someone the finger,except you stick up your pinky rather than your middle finger. Then you must bellow in a crap chinese accent "CHINESE RUDE FINGER" Thus avoiding the ire of the teachers as the gesture is neither rude nor particularly Chinese. (I was told this by a six year old called Emma)
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Pol Sigerson
A dangerous game to play if you are the teacher, and you suffer from B.O. The chances are that the children will return the phrase "Mr Gardiner smells of piss", and you will not know who to blame. You cannot punish anyone, so you will appear powerless. The children will see this, and be upon you in seconds, and you shall be a skeleton left to bake in the sun before home time.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Bob Sheridan
A fun variant is the Chinese Bullshit.
The rules were as follows - the initial 'rumour' or sentance is passed from one contestant to the other, as in regular Chinese Whispers. Instead of words being simply mis-heard, participants are encouraged to add another line of 'bullshit'. So, if you start the game with "Gav has a wooden leg", the next person should probably say "Gav had to have a leg removed 'cause when he was shagging Mrs Ormsbeys husband up the arse, Mrs Ormsbey got jealous and hacked Gav's leg off with a chainsaw. Gav's new leg is that of an ant". You see? The story gets more sick and twisted the longer you play it - my advice - play all day.
approved Dec 23 2002, submitted Dec 22 2002 by Anthony Wood
Our fun-hating teachers had a method of defeating the "Mr Gardiner smells of piss" trick. They would make each kid write down the phrase they had received from the previous kid, without conferring, which could be inspected if necessary to reveal who changed the line. Assholes.
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Feb 21 2003 by Dupli Citous
Chinese Whispers is crap if, when you are not sure of a word, you replace it with "something" instead of the closest word to it. This happened in our class, and the end result was always "Something something something... something something something." Defeats the object of the game, really.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Chris Sugg
Put your fingers to the corners of your eyes and pull as directed whilst singing;
"My mum's Chinese" (pull both fingers up)
"My dad's Japanese" (pull both fingers down)
"Look what happened to me!" (pull one finger up and one finger down).
If this visual gag wasn't hilarious enough, imagine a pubescant girl singing "Chinese, Japanese, Mummy please, what are these?" whilst gesturing to her new, pert bahongas!
Boys can gesture to their dirty knees instead, but that's not as funny as TITS.
approved Feb 2 2004, submitted Jan 19 2004 by Nick Hunt, Jon Blyth
A demonstration that anything can be turned into violence, if you just put your mind to it.
  1. Bully puts fingers to eyes.
  2. "Chinese!" *fingers up*
  3. "Japanese!" *fingers down*

So far, so normal. However, in this case, this was a signal for everyone in the room to remain absolutely silent. Anyone making a sound would cue for the bully to scream "PROBLEM!!" and kick the victim in the balls as many times as possible.
When taken further, a whole class can do this to a substitute teacher, minus the ball-kicking. The visual aspect of an entire class spring-loading their eyes like a bear trap, coupled with the audio payoff off screaming "PROBLEM!!!" every time s/he tries to speak, is brilliant.
approved Apr 21 2005, submitted Apr 3 2004 by bucket mouse
1) "Chinese" (put your fingers up)
2) "Japanese" (fingers down)
3) "Dirty knees" (touch your knees)
4) "What are these?" (point to your chest)

No one ever replied "tits" or "boobs". They just laughed. Probably because I was about 8 at the time. I suppose they should have said "fried eggs" or "two raisins on an ironing board". But they didn't say that either.
approved Jul 18 2006, submitted Jul 18 2006 by tracie frew (darmon)
A touching ode to an incompetent Oriental farmer:
Ching Chong Chinaman went to milk a cow
Ching Chong Chinaman didn't know how
Ching Chong Chinaman pulled the wrong tit
Ching Chong Chinaman covered in shit.
In retrospect it's hard to imagine what 'the wrong tit' could possibly mean, although I suppose it could be the cow's tail.
approved Feb 4 2003, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Kevin Downey
In a mood of slightly charming pre-dairy-produce-understanding i offer;
Ching Chong Chinaman tried to milk a cow,
Ching Chong Chinaman didn't know how,
Ching Chong Chinaman pulled the wrong udder,
Ching Chong Chinaman got covered in butter.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Sep 29 2003 by Lorrimer the rookie
Following his unsuccessful foray in farming, CCC moved into retail management.
Ching chong chinaman bought a little shop,
and all he sold was peppermint rock.
He pissed in a bottle and he called it pop,
Ching chong chinaman bought a little shop.
approved Oct 3 2003, submitted Oct 3 2003 by Nick Hunt
At my primary school when someone said something that was blatantly untrue, like 'my dad drives a tank. He keeps it in the garage', the correct response was to push your tongue into your bottom lip and go 'urhhhhh chinny barbados'.
approved Feb 6 2003, submitted Jan 30 2003 by anonymous user
Perhaps one of the most terrifying of our fellow students was John Kennedy, whose mother was an albino aboriginal. John had really curly blonde hair and brown eyes and had severe psychiatric problems - like REAL problems. In our poorly supervised woodwork class he wreaked absolute havoc. I'm talking blitzkrieg Fucking terror here. He began by "just" smacking the back of the hands of the unwary with a wooden mallet. Anyone who placed their hands on a flat surface, like a bench, it was WHACK, like real fucking hard.nnSomeone took exception to this, someone pretty tough, like Michael Stravanides, and had a go at Kennedy. Kennedy simply upped the ante and armed himself with a chisel. He then began randomly trying to stab other kids with it. He cut his own hand open with it and daubed "Chisel Man" in his own blood on the front of his woodwork apron. When our teacher, Ray Arnold left the room, Kennedy would jump up like Chucky in those "Child's Play" films and scream "Chisel Man" then (and this was the terrifying bit) randomly chase someone around the room trying to stab them. No one was safe. You could be on what you thought were really good terms with him and still be the victim. He was real serious. He stabbed Veli in the arse "Midnight Express" turkish prison style. Veli had blood comin' out his arse and was screaming. We were all shit scared, but no one said anything and the teacher seemed to disappear from class for ages.nnAnother time he tried to put Bill Gavanoudis' head into the band saw - it was like the Fucking Shining or something, I mean I was in that panic state where you want to scream and run but just stand there laughing nervously and sort of dancing on the spot.nnI can't recall how it all ended, but Kennedy had left by form four. He was failing everything. I remember he grabbed Miss James and was kissing her, really rough and excitedly coz she gave him a pass on a geography assignment. He then dropped to the floor and spun around on one elbow yelling "Woh, Woh, Woh, Woh" like Curly from the three stooges. She was shit scared too - you could see it in her face.nnKennedy used to piss on car door handles at Chaddy shopping centre every night. His ability to seemingly piss at will and stop and start the flow was incredible. Veli finally got revenge on him for the Chisel incident by pushing him over the side of an escalator at Myer, He fell about 12 feet onto his face but didn't appear too fussed and "paid" Veli for what he had to admit was a pretty "good one". He could obviously admire the psychotic in others too. Kennedy's dress sense in retrospect was pretty cool. He wore tight blue jeans with big cowboy boots and a really tight lumber jacket. With his wild blond hair he looked like some crazy southern Jerry Lee Lewis style rocker. He HAS to be dead by now.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Davern White

The Chocolate Cock (paraphrased)
from "The Talking Teapot and Other Tales" by Enid Blyton

Once there was a piece of chocolate in the shape of a cock. The chocolate cock stood right in the very middle of a sweet-shop window, and all the children came to look at him. He was very proud of himself indeed - as would you be, if you were a huge delicious brown cock.

"I am the Chocolate Cock!" he crowed. "I am the Chocolate Cock! I am the handsomest bird in the world, for I am the Chocolate Cock!"

He was marked a shilling, and none of the children that came to look at the cock could afford to buy him. They just stood and looked at him, to drink in the staggering beauty of the massive over-priced chocolate cock they all wanted so badly to stick in their mouths and drag across their bodies, stencilling the edge of their bot-bots.

Sometimes the feelings in their tummies, a hunger that could not be sated by any other food, led the children to experiment with each other in front of the cock, while it looked at them with its imperious, milky eye. But one day the wife of the Duke of Edinburgh visited the shop, and said she didn't like all the little boys fucking each other outside his shop, so he got a farmer to kill them.
approved Oct 24 2011, submitted May 19 2005 by Jaded Fool
A turd. Also, a boy, Adam White. The 'chod' association happened before I moved to the area, but was revealed in such horrified tones that I never ever dared go near him for fear of catching chod disease. Odd 'chicken and egg' origin - was Adam known as Chod before he shat out of a tree, and so that's how shit became known as 'chod'? Or was shit always 'chod', and Adam assumed the mantle of 'Chod' only after he shat out of a tree? Never found out.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rob Adey
Directed with great relish at those who had lost an argument, displayed ineptitude or suffered from general misfortune, this insult was usually drawn out ("chee-yokeddd!"), accompanied by a dry cough, and the pinching of skin over the adams apple.

Not to be confused with the pinching of skin either side of the neck, which as everyone knows, is an Ethiopian eating a crisp.
approved Jul 5 2003, submitted Jul 5 2003 by Andy Mansh
Based on the grail selection scene at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Present the victim with two closed palms. Tell them to "Choose Wisely".
Whichever choice is made precipitates a violent assault, followed by gravely intoning "he chose poorly.." in the fashion of a 700 year old knight.
approved Mar 29 2003, submitted Mar 26 2003 by Julian Burnell
After a chinese girl gobbed in someone's (OK, my) face, the game of "it" was transformed into the game of "chow mein". Essentially the same game, but you're passing on a different condition.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Gilbo
Chris had (and indeed, has) a huge quiff which led to many hours of ridicule, as is to be expected. The insults really took off on the day that he feel asleep in English and woke to find that Ben Rock (known, coincidentally, as Violent Ben) had stapled his hair to the table with a huge wall stapler. The sight of Chris blundering about screaming with a table hanging from his head will stay with me until the day I die. He was eventually subdued and the table removed, but the scars, both mental and physical, remain. Please put this up, as if he sees it, he might finally get a fucking haircut.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rocky Shore Pervert