The Law of the Playground
the letter d
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Offer to read your victim's fortune. Children cannot resist this. Take their hand, palm upwards, and begin to run the palm with your own palm. Ask a series of questions, as though you are gathering the necessary information for your predictions.
The accepted sequence is
* Do you live in this town?
* Do you live in a house?
* Does it have a kitchen?
* Does it have some stairs?
* Does it have a bathroom?
* Does it have a toilet?
* Do you use toilet paper?
The victim will answer 'yes' to all these questions. Ask them slowly to create an involving and eerie atmosphere. After the last question, simply say "I don't, I use my hands." Another success!
Note: If you are tricked into the victim's role, and you are aware of the procedure, you may effect a daring reversal by answering the last question with "No, I use my hands." Blockered!
approved Dec 17 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nick Dimmock
Taking this from the opposite angle, simply ask someone fat / ginger / small whether they use their left or right hand to wipe their arse.
When they tell you, simply say "I use toilet paper" and run off to tell everyone, making the the universal "uuuurrrrrrrr" sound of disgust.
approved Mar 14 2003, submitted Dec 16 2002 by John Wilkins
A woeful cliché posed by clueless teachers when they see you writing something unrelated to study, and probably childish. In this case, I had just written "tits bum fannies knobs" on my neighbour's exercise book.

My mate, already tolerating my childishness, fixed Miss with a look of limitless contempt, sighed, and said 'Not really, Miss.'

But Miss was made of sterner stuff. She picked up the book, and read the four words out with such undisguised relish - "tit... BUM... fannies... nooooooobs..." even contriving to give the word "knob" five syllables.

The class went wild for this reading, and my friend was given weeklong kudos. Which is a bit unfair, considering I wrote it.
approved Apr 12 2005, submitted Nov 1 2004 by Bitching Pedant
Miss Spooner decided to make an example of us when we vandalised James' rough book, by reading out loud some of the cartoons we had drawn.
Oddly, she chose one of her being fucked by James while she said "Oooh Yeah! I love it! I am a fat minger!" while both farted raucously.
approved Jul 14 2005, submitted Jun 30 2005 by The Boy Tucker
Dobble is cum. The dobblemonger produces this cum. Dobble is not a symbol of fertility and one vital half of the miracle of life, it is a sign that you are some skanky dobbler who dobbles so much you've got dobble on your shoe.
"They dobbled in the darkages, they dobbleth now, they shall in the future dobble with metal gloves."
approved Sep 27 2004, submitted Dec 2 2003 by alex watt
The arena was constructed of fifteen or so chairs in a circle. A luckless "volunteer" (or sometimes a stupid hard kid who wanted to demonstrate the full extent of their stupidness and hardness) would place himself in the playzone. Their task was to get out of the circle while everyone sitting in the chairs would try to prevent them from escaping by kicking them. An interesting variant involved the use of a long line of tables as the arena, with the chairs placed in normal working positions (but on both sides of course) and the volunteer crawling around underneath. This had the advantage that if a dinner miss came along everyone could pretend that they were just sitting down while they continued to boot the volunteer into oblivion. Dr Marten boots were particularly popular amongst senseless hard kids at the time, owing to their durability, weight and ability to withstand repeated impacts with no ill effects, hence the name "doccer kill". (cf sea of legs)
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matt Fasham
The school library has a window that faces the science department's prep room. One wintry day, the gaze of a fellow pupil studying in the library landed upon the lab technician. The lab technician who had assumed that he was utterly alone.

When he looked up and saw his audience, the shock in his eyes confirmed it all. Four reliable people saw it. This was the birth of Doctor Tug.
approved Apr 24 2003, submitted Mar 12 2003 by Not Given
If the "pull my finger" jokes are wearing thin, simply fart into a half-full plastic milk carton, seal swiftly, then present to the nose of your victim, saying - "Does this milk smell off to you?"
This is a kind of snaf-tache lite, for people unwilling to put their fingers into their anus for a joke.
approved Sep 12 2005, submitted Jul 22 2005 by Clockwork Cow
A strangely feeble catch 22 where the victim is asked "does your dad drive a vulva?" Whether you mishear "Volvo" for "vulva" or not, and whether or not your dad drives a Volvo, the idea of your father driving or not driving your mother's vulva will amuse only a few people. The rest will just laugh at you because it directs attention away from themselves. Image can be enhanced with the idea that whilst driving your mother's vulva, your father "parps" her breasts like a poop poop horn.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dave , Jon Blyth
A trick requiring a friend and a younger pupil. Older Boy A would tell Younger Boy all about Older Boy B's fantastic piano playing grandfather. Younger Boy will listen because he is being spoken to by an Older Boy. Older Boy A will then suggest that Younger Boy approaches Older Boy B, as he is immensely proud of his grandfather, and will gladly tell you more. Younger Boy, to be fair, probably has no interest in Older Boy B's grandfather. However, he is being let into something new and intangible, and is probably thinking that having friends in the years above will make him immune to all forms of bullying. So he will approach Older Boy B, and timidly ask about his amazing grandfather pianist. Older Boy B has, of course, been fully briefed, and will throw an outrageous epi fit, screaming that his grandfather's hands were blown off in the war. Are you taking the piss? Are you fucking taking the piss out of my hero grandfather? Bingo - one tearful, terrified, confused and unhappy little boy. Result.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dyfrig Jones
Apparently some lads in the year above would collect dogshit (or sometimes rabbit droppings), bake it with mint and try and pass it off as a block of cannabis, and thus sell it to gullable pezzas. Quite clearly a lie, due to the fact that dogshit smells no matter how much you try to mask it, and that only the dirtiest jip would consider picking the stuff up.
approved Jan 18 2003, submitted Jan 4 2003 by anonymous user
Another tale of schoolboy drug peddling. It's a jungle out there, kids.

Adair once sold an oxo cube to Bewey, claiming that it was finest uncut Columbian Red Gold Leb Squidgy Seal or something along those lines.
When Bewey realised he'd been conned, he demanded his 40 quid back; otherwise, he said, he would tell the head of year.
The laughter didn't stop until long after he had realised his schoolboy error and stomped off with moths fluttering out of his empty pockets.
approved Jul 18 2005, submitted Jul 7 2005 by Gotty Gotty
My mate Dave has no sense of smell. This was demonstrated when he turned up to school with a baggie full of 'cannabis oil', which was actually some delicious mint sauce.
approved Jul 22 2005, submitted Jul 21 2005 by Charlie Webb
Living in the sticks, one has an abundance of vegetables. The darkest, outer leaves off a cabbage, when allowed to dry out long enough in the airing cupboard, then chopped up, are very easy to sell as Monkey-Dance Ganja.

Monkey Dance got its name after the noises and actions that young Chappers made, when he found out he'd spent 20 on inhaling some coleslaw.
approved Feb 17 2006, submitted Oct 16 2005 by Cookie
My friend Jon and I once sold plaster of Paris to the new 2nd years, pretending it was cocaine. We used the catch-all "everyone does it all the time - I can't believe you've never tried it" to shame them into paying us 50p a bag.
We made enough for 20 ciggies each from our sales, while our clients walked unconvincingly into walls, saying, "man, I'm really out of it" and occasionally snotting out little hard balls of greenish plaster. The cunts.
approved Jan 15 2006, submitted Nov 10 2005 by steady tiger
Pushed for time? A perfectly believable 'joint' to sell on can be created using tabacco, and your and your friends' pubes and bum hairs.
It makes a satisfying crackling noise when smoked.
approved Oct 7 2006, submitted Sep 30 2006 by Johnny Random
Originated from Nick Stephen's first LSD experience. Camping out in the woods, Nick is seized by the uncontrollable urge to become Muhatma Gandhi and relive his epic "salt march to the sea". We had learned about this the day previously in History class. Wearing nothing more than a towel, Nick disappears off. He returns some hours later to announce that he had taken control of a JCB, run over a workman's shed, crashed the vehicle into a ditch and caused thousands of pounds worth of damage to Cornwall's budding windfarm scheme. This display of thuggery was totally out of character with Nick's adopted persona, we argued. He didn't appear to care.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Will Darby
... when Harry's around,
or you might get a penis up your bum,
don't be silly, he hasn't got a willy,
you must have mistook it for his thumb!

As far as I'm aware, Harry had a fully functioning penis, but the very fact I find myself reflecting on a penis at this developed stage in my life identifies me as a bender, so I wouldn't trust my word as far as I could suck my own arse out.
approved Aug 20 2007, submitted Jun 10 2005 by Martin Tatum
The primary rule of the nuclear back-packs in Ghostbusters translates well into a toilet game where you both piss into the same bowl. If you do cross the streams, you must both squeal as you undergo an imaginary process of total particle reversal. This means getting a lot of piss on the walls, so it is best not to cross the streams.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
I invented this game.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Andrew Buchan
You can't have done, because I did.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Everyone did. I know I did.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Loz
aka Cross Fires. With Cross Fires you can have up to four players. Any more and the whole situation becomes unmanageable.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Sam Murdoch
This was also known as Jesus' Cross - when streams were crossed, each participant would shout 'Jesus' Cross' as loud as possible, so that everyone in the surrounding area would know what had occurred.
approved Dec 17 2002, submitted Dec 16 2002 by Harry Nice
Buchan you're a liar. You didn't invent this game because it is a blantant rip off of light-sabre fighting. Everybody knows Star Wars predated Ghost Busters by years you spaz. The game was made all the better by making light sabre noises when the streams clashed.

approved Feb 6 2003, submitted Jan 30 2003 by hans blohm
Also "cross swords". In a Blur video my mate had, Damon and Alex play cross-swords in a motorway service bogs. No wonder Graham quit.
approved Apr 24 2003, submitted Mar 31 2003 by Name Withheld
Said by the wanker in the middle of a crowd of people waiting to get through a door. Can be followed by "I'll sign autographs later". If said by a popular kid, it was sickening and offensive. If an unpopular kid tried it, he was punched by the popular kid he copied it from.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
An odd paradox; the more people singing this to a fellow pupil who is crying, the more they cry. Absolutely baffling.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Chorlton
A boy pointed at me and said to his friend, "she's always crying."

This made me cry.
approved Jun 29 2007, submitted Apr 3 2006 by Name Withheld
A self-fulfilling prophecy, when repeated often enough. The victim will be so starved of human interaction that they will, eventually, become psycho.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Stephen Barker
Never point out a big human turd on the school playing field to the hardest kid in the class and say "Ahhh Dean, you could've waited!" (especially when the PE teacher has said "Go to the fields I'll be there in 5 mins.")
As Paul Talbot found out, Dean will sit you in it and you'll have shit smeared all over the arse of your red shorts.
approved Oct 9 2005, submitted Oct 8 2005 by Lee M
The thing that you were touching that you couldn't afford was usually a dirty parka with matted fur that smelt of wrong milk that had been handed down from smelly, hard sibling to smelly hard sibling. You were usually touching it out of necessity rather than choice when caught up in the everyday chaos of trying to board the school bus.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anne-Marie
"You may have heard," said Mr Delaney, "that some of the older pupils have a nickname for me. It's donkey, because of that song called 'Delaney's Donkey'. Have you heard it?"
No, we hadn't.
"It is rather funny, you know", he said, only twitching a little bit. "So, this is your one and only chance to call me donkey."

It absolutely, incontrovertibly wasn't.

approved Oct 31 2005, submitted Aug 25 2005 by Harry Grout
when fully opened back upon itself, some classroom doors create a kind of tiny triangular cell, made from two corner walls and a door. An unpopular pupil may be safely contained in this cell. Then, every single school bag within reach may be hurled over the top, crushing the victim, and usually making him scream in a wild "drowning" panic.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Olly Lambert
A harsher version. If someone is caught passing wind, a yell of "doorknob" will allow everyone else in the room to have free hits on the offender until that person touches a doorknob. Immunity is granted if they can say the entire alphabet before someone catches on, and yells 'doorknob'.
approved Jan 18 2003, submitted Jan 17 2003 by Kirk Israel
In years seven to nine, there was a persistent rumour that you shouldn't touch the toilet doorknobs with your bare hands because people pissed on them.
While it was true that the doorknobs were always wet, and that in a world where children shit up walls and in hats, it wasn't inconceivable that disturbed children would stand there and piss directly onto the doorknob, I still feel that it had more to do with the broken hand driers.
approved Oct 13 2004, submitted Dec 14 2003 by anonymous user