The Law of the Playground
the letter e
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Each year in my school had 4 teams for games like rugby: A, B, C and D in descending order of competence. Because my year had slightly more pupils than normal, a fifth team was created, imaginatively called E. I had the good fortune to be a member of this team, which we proudly renamed the E Team Dropouts. We were comprised of the fattest, laziest and most asthmatic kids in the year, and spent most of the time sitting around on the grass watching the other teams exhaust themselves.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 13 2002 by Dupli Citous
Ever Lasting Protection, against the lurgy, cooties, fleas, etcetera. Administered with an invisible can of flea spray over the affected area of the body. Must be accompanied by a hissing sound - otherwise your pressurised can obviously isn't working, and no protection will be afforded. Can also be used on chairs and desks which are suspected of having been sat at by anyone incontinent, smelly or simply unpopular.
approved Mar 1 2003, submitted Feb 20 2003 by Jason Palmer
Advice given to pupils complaining about sun in their eyes, by English teacher Mr Roddy Thompson. Half-plausible until you realise that 1) eagles don't stare at the sun and 2) you'd go blind.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dom Colbeck
A phrase reserved for popular kids; short for excellent. They possibly didn't realise what pretentious upper-class pricks this one word made them sound like.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Fuzzbucket
Oft used phrase in Longman's Audio-Visual French course, and the only words of French that 50% of our class learned thanks to Mrs Talbot's habit of wearing tight white tops.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Harry Grout
This was the rather arbitrary name given to new boy Edward Coyde, in year 5, for no reason other than the quickfire cruelty of Mark Birch. The name never caught on, and boy was reduced to tears, but as a happy upshot Mark and Edward quickly became friends. I read in the paper recently that Birch had died in a car crash, whilst being driven by... Edward Coyde, who survived.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
Version of telling, or arrrrrrrr. The main group of people would shout "ee-a, ee-a" for around three minutes, circling the offender, and one person would go for the teacher. Presumably we were a fleet of police cars, which is something of a disproportionate civil response to someone doing a smelly trump.
approved Sep 4 2011, submitted Jan 27 2003 by anonymous user
Quite simply the rudest phrase that can be uttered by a six year old Scottish child.

Apparently a toley is a willy, and hen's keech is chicken poo. No further translation is provided.
approved Feb 29 2004, submitted Feb 24 2004 by Helmut Cheese
Just so that you know, a toley is in fact a jobbie, and not a willy as previously suggested.
approved Mar 5 2004, submitted Mar 3 2004 by Brother Benji Whatever
Also the Scottish expression wee toley means turtle's head. So as long as you're in Scotland, you can say "Oh, so ye cannae sit fae yer wee toley?", without anyone replying what the fuck are you talking about?
approved Oct 1 2004, submitted Mar 22 2004 by greg is best
A north eastern variation of arrrrrrrrrrrrr and ummmmmmmmmmm.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by David Haswell
Ahem? I'm from the north east and we always said Owwwhhhrrrrr. Yes, spelled just like that.
approved Apr 30 2003, submitted Mar 9 2003 by Kate S
One of the many synonyms for 'twat'. After a while, the regular insult exchange evolved into:
Kid A: You're an eef!
Kid B: Eef what?
Kids A+B (singing): Eef I was a rich man...
They would then continue to sing any of the rest of the words if they could a) remember them, and b} be bothered.
approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Sep 18 2003 by Matt Fasham
The variant 'eenie meenie minee mo, catch a nigger by the toe', taught to me by the school's only black kid, should not be used in front of parents. Or in Clark's, no matter how hard it is to decide which shoes you want.
approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Jul 9 2003 by Matt Sharp
Nigger was changed to tiger in a more sensitive age, despite the fact that if you grabbed a tiger's toe, it would probably cut your finger off with its claw.
approved Oct 17 2003, submitted Sep 25 2003 by Name Withheld
Eenie meenie at our school was always a bit of a lost cause. I imagine an adult at some point tried to offer a reasonable-sounding substitution to the word 'nigger' but failed to come up with anything. This resulted in some confusion.
On the plus side, none of us used the word 'nigger'; on the minus side, no-one as far as I can remember could ever really complete the rhyme. Attempts were made to guess what the missing words might be, and this was the best we could come up with:
Eenie Meenie Miney Mo,
Catch a fish and let it go,
Eenie Meenie Miney Mo,
Eenie Meenie Miney Mo.
A good example, I think, of an oral tradition utterly failing to evolve. Or, more accurately, evolving into a form that has spazflippers instead of arms and legs. I think we'd have been glad for the suggestion of 'Tiger'.
approved Oct 4 2004, submitted Feb 19 2004 by Erin Miller
I just found out what it's all about. "Catch a nigger by the toe" was a way of finding out whether the nigger you were confronted with was - in fact - not a nigger at all, but the devil.
The devil's cloven hooves, you see, would feel no pain at the squeezing of a toe. However, your nigger would squeal, and say "ooh, me toe!", whilst hopping on one foot.
So it's not racist at all, you see - because if the nigger isn't the devil, you let him go, with a cheery "sorry about the toe, old bean, but you can't be too careful with you niggers".
approved Oct 4 2004, submitted Feb 29 2004 by Jon Blyth
As I recall we said the naughty version but knowing it was naughty, shiftily flubbed the nigger bit, thus:
Eenie Meenie Minee Moe,
Catch a nngh-nngh by his toe.

The odd thing was, we (or perhaps it was just me) never actually knew what the original offending word that had to be flubbed was. This led to additional cover-ups just in case other words in the rhyme were naughty also, hence:
If he hoo-hars, let him go.
By the time we'd finished self-editing, we sounded like a bunch of West Country Joeys.
approved Oct 19 2004, submitted Oct 18 2004 by F F
The ruthless teasing of short-fused ginger kid David Tyers was a highly rewarding pastime due to his tendency to fly into apoplectic rages and lose the ability to think clearly. His insulting yet mystifying outbursts reaching their high water mark with the frothy-mouthed ejaculation, "You egg dribble!" Damned by his own mouth, this was adopted as the weapon of choice for inflicting further suffering on poor Tyers.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Name Withheld
A group of boys rounding up a group of girls on a school trip. The girls sit on a table in the boys room, and the boys proceed to circle round the table rubbing their imaginary breasts, all the time repeating, again and again, "Eggie Eggie Sa Sa". After some time the girls would become quite scared and start running around, screaming. Teachers rarely interrupted this process, perhaps scared to dabble in that which they didn't understand.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Petal
Make a fist on someone's head, tap it down with your other hand, and slowly drag both hands down the scalp. This experience is exactly the same as having an egg gently tapped on your head, as those of us from loving egg-tapping families will know.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matt Legg
The term to describe the fart of a father.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Fuzzbucket
Cartman's mum described her fart as a stinky apple, too. Is there a link between apples, parents, and farting?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
I'm 29, and my dad still uses the term 'windy poo' when talking to me about farts. Even though windy and poo are both completely innocent words, there's something innocuously horrific when your dad talks about a scirocco of shit whipping up a turdstorm from your anus.
approved May 10 2005, submitted May 3 2005 by anonymous user
As in "who just waved an eggy banner?" A fart.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Gilbo
This is clearly a one step removal from the eggy beaner, a fart with all the stench of the egg, and all the force of the baked bean. A true all rounder.
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Mar 25 2003 by Dr Ringpiece
If someone is naturally inclined to violent rages, then simply shouting "eggy doyler" at them, again and again, often allows you to push them over the edge without having to think too hard.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Joel
A particularly obnoxious fart that moves throughout the room, causing as much panic as a bubbling puddle of liquid AIDS.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
Thank you to the anonymous user who reminded us that, yes, girls did used to play with elastic. Metres-long bits of clothing elastic, for strange jumping/falling-over purposes. The ritual began with putting the elastic around the ankles, and from thereon things got dark and scary. Songs were involved.
approved Oct 22 2003, submitted Oct 22 2003 by Susan Tobacco
With a friend, find a child smaller than you who has gloves on elastic through his coat. Proceed to stretch elastic to the point where the whole playground is literally 'divided' by the elastic, with the small child helpless in the middle. Letting go is also a pleasure.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by SmallPaul