The Law of the Playground
the letter f
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When my maths teacher was introducing us to functions, she wrote f(x) on the blackboard and informed us that it was pronounced "f of x". I shared a desk with a boy called Scott, who thought she was telling a letter of the alphabet to "f. off".

He spent the next hour repeating "f of x! f off x!" - experimenting with the delicious phonetic closeness of the two words - and giggling helplessly into his own neck. No-one else laughed at all. We were 14, and most of us were quite accustomed to telling people, things and abstract concepts to fuck off.
approved Sep 3 2011, submitted Nov 15 2004 by S Finklenastikin
Flashers and Proud. An organisation set up by a group of 13 year old girls with the sole purpose of lifting up their skirts or tops at random victims. If anyone complains, they are presented with a FAP membership card and told to 'deal with it'.
approved Dec 12 2003, submitted Nov 29 2003 by Abi W
Should a member of the FAP meet a member of the FBI (Federal Breast Inspectorate), then a long-term and mutually beneficial relationship might well result.
approved Dec 20 2003, submitted Dec 20 2003 by Jon Blyth
Dubious entry, for a dubious practice. We would all go in the boys bathroom at primary school (girls may have practised this... though it seems unliikely). Whoever felt brave would sit on the floor with their back to the wall, hold their breath for 30 seconds, close their eyes, and cross their arms over their chest, while tucking their knees up to their chest. At this point 3 or 4 remaining boys would push his chest (with shoulders, arms) as hard as they could for a 10 seconds or so. Lack of blood (and oxygen) to the brain was the result. Unconsciousness of the individual ensued.

Variants involved using the stone wall in the playground, and an excess of 6 or more people pushing on ones chest. This nameless act was swiftly outlawed, in fear of widespread braindamage. It was none-the-less the best thing we 10 year olds ever did. Apologies if it has been posted under another name. Or if any of the kids from this Nottinghamshire primary school are permanently damaged...
approved Feb 14 2005, submitted Feb 2 2005 by Name Withheld
An oft discussed playground myth was that there were men out there with penises so huge that, should they happen to get a full-on boner, they would actually faint due to the redistribution of blood from the other parts of their body. In hindsight this seems unlikely, although I would be interested to hear if it were medically possible. Maybe the purpose was to make the more conventionally endowed feel a bit better about their pathetic maggots.

Not that I have a pathetic maggot. In fact, I do faint because mine's so huge. Don't know why I asked. Case closed.
approved Jan 2 2006, submitted Nov 16 2005 by Name Withheld
A girl who sat near me in 11th grade English came into class one day, looking rather sweaty and pale. As the teacher read from Tom Sawyer, this girl began to moan low like a wounded animal. Suddenly, her eyes rolled up into her head, she barked like a seal and then passed out, her face slapping down on the desk in front of her. But as soon her head hit the desk, she let off a fart like a goddamned foghorn. A fart which smelt like death.
approved Nov 23 2007, submitted Apr 20 2006 by Name Withheld
Fainting was a brief but common practice amongst 7 year olds in 1979. The would-be fainter and his assistant would stand by the playground wall. The fainter would breathe deeply in and out as fast as he could, whipping up a nice dizzy spell of hyperventilation. After 20 deep breaths, he forces out his final emormous gob of air, and just as he does so the assistant lunged and pressed his chest against the wall as hard as he could. God knows how it works, but the fainter will immediately conk out and collapse, usually falling slightly unconscious and no doubt nearly dying in the process. I've no doubt Michael Hutchence did something similar on his final night alive, only he got his cock out first.
approved Dec 3 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Olly Lambert
Inducing a fake faint was also known as 'Harvey Walbangers'. Everyone who's done one will generally insist that they nearly died that time, really.
approved Sep 29 2003, submitted Aug 5 2003 by Emma-Leigh Owen
One of the side effects of this singularly stupid activity was that you would often hallucinate as you came "back to life". Juzza, aka The Terminator, admitted that he had hallucinated about playing computer games.
The best hallucination I could manage was a sort of swirling lino-cut impression of the local church, which, while quite psychadelic, was definitely very uncool.
One boy refused to take part, as he felt that abusing yourself to amuse others amounted to prostitution.
approved Dec 12 2003, submitted Nov 28 2003 by Bomber .
When the 'fainter' hit the deck, it was considered fair play that they received a good kicking while they were down.
Well you had to be sure they were OK.
approved May 9 2005, submitted May 6 2005 by bobby dazzler
There was a brief craze in the final year of my primary school for mousetrap-type contraptions disguised as chewing gum. When you went to take a piece, a bit of metal snapped down hard on your unsuspecting finger. Hilarious!
At the age of eleven or twelve, my fingers were still quite wee (still are) and it REALLY BLOODY HURT. By the way.
approved Jul 23 2003, submitted Jul 23 2003 by spadge monkey
One boring day in the grey and brown surroundings of my secondary education a fake hand appeared. We decided to try it out on one of the brothers (Jesuit in training) and placed it on his chair. He came into the room and did not sit down. He did not look in the direction of his desk or chair for 20 minutes. The tension was electric. When he eventually looked down and saw the hand/part of bloody arm (not particularly well rendered - standard joke-shop fayre) his face went a dead off-white and he squealed "Eeee! What have you little bastards done!" - we were all simultaneously stunned and delighted, expressing it in the only way we knew how... Whooping, hollering and laughing. When our mentor realised what was going on he turned a shade of red which, to my sincere regret, I have not seen anywhere since.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Barmy Army
Consequence-free rudeness. Extending the ring finger, or making V-signs with the middle and ring fingers, will cause initial shock and offence, but when it is pointed out which fingers you are using, the parent or teacher will find themselves impotent in the face of your devilish wit. That's how it's supposed to work, at least.
approved Feb 6 2003, submitted Jan 29 2003 by Bobs Meryll
Bull Poo (pathetic),
Sheet Head (better),
Mother Fudder (acceptable).
Fudder can be explained away as a mud distrubution system not unlike the jobby wheeker, which is the last funny thing that Billy Connolly said.
approved Apr 30 2003, submitted Mar 25 2003 by Dr Ringpiece
I'm sure everyone who had been forced to learn Latin at my school knew that they had free reign to scream "Fac id!" and then be left to try to explain to a teacher how actually they were demonstrating their dedication to their schoolwork by practicing irregular imperitives in their spare time.
approved Jan 2 2007, submitted Nov 6 2006 by anonymous user
Not a good idea in the presence of others, as they will all invariably start chanting "She fell over!" and push you over again, in a nearby patch of mud where possible. Falling over is an even worse thing to do in the lunch hall, where falling over can result in your lunch being tipped all over the floor and three hundred children laughing at you simultaneously. The headmaster will invariably choose this moment to walk in and randomly give a table of laughing boys detention as you run off crying. (You may recognise the voice of experience in this.)
approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Sep 7 2003 by Leopold Bloom
Playground Australia Special!

A schoolroom version of the game show "Wheel of Fortune", also called "Duster Roulette".

On any hot summer day in Australia, the ceiling fans in each room will be running at the highest possible level. When the teacher leaves the room, a student in the front row dashes to the blackboard, picks up the board duster (which should be one of those big old wooden ones, not these modern foam versions which are, frankly, shit), screams "Fan of Fortune!" and then throws the duster into the fan.

A number of outcomes can occur:
1. The miracle of the duster passing through the fan untouched.
2. The fan smashes the duster in a sideways motion, sending chalk dust all over the room.
3. The fan hits the duster and propels it downwards on to someone's head. Hard.

Naturally, (3) is the best outcome. I still recall with fondness the moment when Patrick Dwyer - the fat-ginger-freckly-twat - got hit by the duster above the eye, splitting his eyebrow and spilling claret. Fantastic.
approved Jan 2 2006, submitted Dec 22 2005 by The Evil Twin
Alternatively, attach one end of a metal slinky spring to one of the blades, retire to a safe distance and switch on. Congratulations! You've just created a whirling blade of terror causing maximum damage over a large area, with the brilliant included risk of blinding everyone in the room.
approved Mar 25 2006, submitted Jan 4 2006 by Name Withheld
At the Bungay Town Fete, two kids dressed up as Klansmen and, I shit you absolutely not at all in the slightest, won second prize in the fancy dress contest. They lost to a kid dressed as a womble. The story amuses me so much because the fact that they came second almost suggests that the judges knew what a good Klan outfit looked like, and knew that Cobby and Jaff had missed some important gilding around the cuffs. Or something
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Joe S.
I did the same with a mate. Claimed to be 'Spanish Inquisition' when sent to headmaster. All very odd as very mixed race school where caucasians in the minority. Still have great photo of me pretending to axe off my best mate's head (who was Indian) in the woodwork room. Pupils thought it hilarious and voted us joint winners of the 'mufty day' prize. School photo shoot with local paper was cancelled though. Instead put some fat female teacher dressed as a St. Trinian in. Original.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 1 2003 by anonymous user
Taking the theme 'famous people' perhaps a little laterally, nine members of my school arrived at the sixth form Christmas party dressed as Klansmen and attempted to burn a six-foot crucifix in the quad. Only the fact that it wouldn't catch light prevented them as the teaching staff looked on in puzzled but benign indifference.
approved Apr 18 2003, submitted Apr 14 2003 by anonymous user
The 'fanny banjo' (famously accompanying the willy orchestra) was abbreviated and concatenated to 'fanjo'. Playing 'Air Fanjo' was identical to playing air banjo, but with the strumming hand slightly lower than usual.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Gareth Poulton
An incredible ability discovered by probably the best looking girl ever to grace our High School. She took to performing her talent during assembly, much to the surprise and delight of the remainder of upper school. After a while she appeared to have developed the capability of producing an inward 'sucking' noise to accompany the outward 'farting' noise, the only way I can describe this sublime sound is to have you imagine someone rhythmically thrusting a plunger in and out of a small bucket full of custard. She received such admiration for her expertise that before long several other girls had mysteriously discovered they shared her talent, producing sporadic low pitched squelching noises across the lecture theatre every other day. The final result culminated in daily renditions of the 'Fanny Farting Frog Chorus' that lasted for weeks, causing utter disruption and chaos. Fabulous.

I have since discovered many girls can perform this amazing bodily function, but for some inexplicable reason, dont.
approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Aug 6 2003 by Mouse Harden
A liar. As is, "Psst! Wanna buy some fannies?". Unknown origin.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ben
A girl - let's call her TS-B, made the error in secondary school of declaring to everyone that she had shagged Tom Cruise. We told her she was lying, but she wouldn't confess - so it was her own fault that her sexual appetite had a kind of open season declared on it. She started it.

"She put a hamster in her vag face first and it suffocated."

"She put stick insects up her fanny. They all died."
approved Oct 2 2011, submitted Jul 19 2006 by Woggy M
Inevitable first word after walking into any room in a Fonz-style way. Both hands were held out to the side, palms down, to hush the adoring crowds, and a gentle nodding gesture of recognition was made by the protagonist.
approved Nov 25 2003, submitted Nov 21 2003 by Mr Trim
At aged 10, I got to first touch a girl's private parts under the table in school. It was very sexy. I was ten, and she pulled down her knickers to her knees under her dress during art class. I used the classic "dropping a pencil" scam, and went under the table.
I am now 32, and I should probably get a new fantasy.
(Uncle Log advises : why not re-enact the fantasy with a current partner or prostitute, then have sex? You might have an erotic version of that thing where you hear half a song and it's stuck in your head until you hear the whole thing. An important footnote to this advice is that the re-enactment should NOT be with a 10 year old girl. Unless she's got lovely tits.)
approved Jul 28 2003, submitted Jul 13 2003 by anonymous user
Dear Uncle Log:

Disturbed by my own perversion, I took your advice and decided to act out this fantasy with my wife. We went to a restaurant, and I asked her to pull her knickers down to mid-thigh, then I 'dropped' my fork and bent down to take a quick look. It was quite disappointing in how little a turn on it was. So now I'm cured, and have moved on to another fantasy, this time involving a healthy middle aged woman.

Love, The Poster who Posted the Above Post.
approved Oct 27 2003, submitted Oct 26 2003 by anonymous user
Example of a hereditary nickname, which curses all members of a family as they progress throughout the school. Began when Farmer Senior, a typical fuckwit, thrashed the rest of the class in the 'farming proficiency' test, getting something like 95%. Farmer Junior smoked vast amounts of gear and, to the best of anyone's knowledge, didn't know which way of a cow was up.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by V
A guy at our school arrived complete with his dad's nickname - I suspect it was the only thing of value he could bless him with. His dad had played with the school football team one Tuesday and scored his first and only hat-trick. Potential nicknames: Hat-Trick Hero, Pele, Roy of the Rovers, Hot Shot. Actual nickname - Tuesday.

Actually his Dad did also pass on his genetic propensity for cigarettes, violence and stupidity.
approved Aug 10 2006, submitted Aug 5 2006 by Great Coat
Farrow was a gangly kid who was assuredly mental, and ginger. One of those 'funny' ones.

Allegedly his parents had an obsession with lawnmowers, and had a vast collection. At Christmas a single lawnmower would be decked in fairy lights and placed on the roof of their house.

Towards the end of the year I was phoned by my mate Jon, who barked "You know Farrow? He's DEAD!" before he was inexplicably cut off. I thought it was a joke, obviously, but Farrow really was dead; he had hung himself. That should have been the end of it, but perhaps because of his eccentricity, comedy stylings became applied to his suicide. It became common knowledge, accepted fact that he had "Put the noose round his neck and stood on a chair as a joke, and then he called his friend and said 'come round and see what I've done!', but he accidentally slipped off the chair and really killed himself!" It seems pretty obvious to me that it was a cry for help. I mean, how good a joke would that have been? Friend Enters Room. Farrow: 'Hahahahhaha! Look: I'm standing on a chair, and I have a noose round my neck!'

Then it entered a new stage of ludicrousness. With that touchingly nave manner that teachers possess, where they assume that kids will be traumatized by a pupil killing themselves - as opposed to, say, finding it funny - our tutor asked for silence so that we could discuss the matter.

"I just wanted to make sure everyone knew what happened, and had the right story." Then, unexpectedly: "Does anyone know the right story?"

Benham, of equally mental and ginger status to Farrow, put up his hand. With deadly sincerity (he was not complex enough to be this deadpan), he said "He was talking to his friend on the phone, when he fell over the balcony and hung himself on the telephone cord."

I looked around. There were no smirks, no raised eyebrows. "I see," said the tutor. "I wanted to make sure everyone was clear on this."

What!? I wanted to stand up and shout "For fuck's sake, he didn't accidentally hang himself with a telephone!" But I started to doubt myself. I still don't know to this day. Maybe he DID accidentally hang himself with the telephone cord. Or maybe people just couldn't accept that a ginger fool would die in a way that wouldn't involve slapstick.

Luckily, later that evening, my spiritualist uncle was on hand to give me some excellent advice: "You must pray to the Great Spirit for your friend-" "He's not my friend!" I never did pray to the Great Spirit, so if Farrow is in Spiritualist Hell I guess it's my fault.
approved Jan 8 2004, submitted Oct 23 2003 by Raz .