The Law of the Playground
the letter f
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Dean Parkinson wasn't very smart. At age 11 he smoked in order to deliberately stunt his growth, because he wanted to be a jockey - that kind of not very smart. One day in Year 7 Chemistry he had a firecracker and his lighter, and was seeing just how close he could get the flame to the wick before it would light. An admirable experiment conducted by a scientific mind, but one with only one final outcome: he did find out how close the flame had to be, and the wick began to spark. Only then did Dean realise that you can't really let off firecrackers in the middle of class without the teacher noticing. In a panic, Dean quickly shoved the cracker inside his school blazer and wrapped his arms across his chest. Three seconds later he was jolting and jumping in his seat, accompanied by a loud fizzing, whooshing noise. After enduring a few seconds of unpleasantness, he opened his blazer and the cracker fizzed and sputtered across the room. The last I remember was a gently smouldering Dean being led away by a rather cranky Chemistry teacher.

Oh, he also once stuck a metal ruler inside the ventilation grid of an overhead projector while the teacher found the next slide. An amazing crunchy clank as the fan ground to a halt, followed by billowing black smoke, and the teacher revised his decision to keep Dean at the front of the room to keep an eye on him.

approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Sep 10 2003 by David Hourigan
For children who were spared the New-age horrors of a 'progressive' or 'modern learning' environment at school, the Christian names of teachers were shrouded in taboo and mystery, and their discovery led to the instant humanisition of the teacher, leading to weakness and misery.
One teacher to succumb was a Mrs Judith Clarke. After almost a year of listening to 'Hey Jude, don't make it bad...', we soon evolved into 'Hey Jude begin' (at the start of the class - clever), 'Hey Jude, don't be a gay' (I'm not saying we were funny, just persistent) 'remember to let her under your foreskin', and most poignantly, 'Hey Jude, don't have a spazz'.
Unfortunately one day she did just that, throwing all the books off her desk, and shedding bitter tears, she upped and left to a fanfare of 'naa na na na-na na-na, na-na na-na, hey Judy Judy Jude' still ringing in her ears.
A hard fought victory.
approved Apr 10 2004, submitted Mar 19 2004 by Sticky Knickers
"First the worst, second the best, third the dirty donkey." Dirty donkey also known as Hairy Princess. Obviously sung by people who weren't quite first, and taken unusually seriously by the person who was first, who in theory shouldn't have anything to prove to the person s/he just beat. Also used to punish the third place, who was often rewarded with a beating (or, in toilet related adventures, pissy trousers). The third person, however badly humbled, could take solace in the fact the he wasn't as bad as the person who came first, who was, after all, the worst.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Nick Feek
fourth the golden eagle, fifth the witch, in the ditch, eating bread and treacle. This was pathetic, and made no sense to any of us. No-one gave a shit about being fourth or fifth to be honest.
approved Dec 3 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Davy .
First the worst / Second the best / Third the one with the hairy chest
Fourth the king / Fifth the queen / Sixth the one in the washing machine.
In this version, finishing third is even more desirable than second to boys, so any boy winning a race would stop just before the finish, and wrestle two of his opponents over the line before him. Girls unable to finish in the first two places would have to slow down and settle for fifth. The sixth position carried no real threat, however, as any cries of "you're the one in the washine machine" could be met with the unarguable comeback, "no, I'm not".
approved Dec 3 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
Third the Nerd the Golden Bird (?), Fourth the Dork, and we never bothered to get to fifth.

One might notice this doesn't even pretend to make sense.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Mar 9 2003 by Paul Denton
Alternative:

Fourth the angel, fifth the ghost, sixth the one who burnt the toast.

The implication here seems to be that not possessing rudimentary cooking skills is a fate worse than death.
approved Apr 18 2003, submitted Apr 1 2003 by Name Withheld
In Ireland, the end bit goes:
Fourth the one with the golden hair / Fifth the one that God loves best
Not sure about sixth, but being fifth meant you got laughed at even more than the hairy-chested third place, generally including accusations of being a 'gay paedo'.
approved Aug 6 2006, submitted Aug 5 2006 by caz cosgrove
In Yorkshire in the 70's, we managed to have awards for the first ten places.

First the worst
Second the best
Third the royal princess
Fourth the King
Fifth the Queen
Sixth the witch of Hallowe'en
Seventh the Executioner
Eighth the Dirty Donkey
Ninth the girl
Tenth the boy

There's such an impressively deflating failure of imagination in the ninth and tenth positions that you kind of feel like you're letting yourself down as you chant them.

"You're a boy."
approved Feb 16 2013, submitted Mar 23 2012 by anonymous user
We were told by our Latin teacher that a popular punishment in Roman times was to insert a fish into the rectum head first and pull it out. When pulled out the scales of the fish, which lay one way, would open out and cut the persons arsehole to flapping ribbons - to the extent that they bled to death. Nice. He also told us that a similair thing was done with radishes. When we questioned the realistic punishment value of inserting such an evidently small and friendly vegetable he explained that "radishes were different then, all big and spiny like a pineapple." This caused us to consider whether anything he actually said was true.
approved Jun 1 2005, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jimbob N
The substitute biology teacher was there for a mere week, and yet in that short space of time he told us that a) kangaroos have bifurcate penises b) sumo wrestlers can retract their testicles and c) a tribe in Borneo practised contraception by drilling a hole in the bases of their penises, stopping it up with clay, and then when it healed, putting a feather in. When they didn't want to get a Borneo woman pregnant, they would remove the feather. Sometimes I think this man became a substitute teacher just to travel the country telling unlikely penis anecdotes.
approved Jun 13 2005, submitted Jun 9 2005 by David Quantick
The act of voyeuristically viewing - or being viewed - via a small window within a door when confined to a teachers office for some reason.
The specific emotion felt by the exhibit behind the glass often correlated with the events preceeding their quarantine. Acts of malfeasance made one feel pleasingly notorious when regarded. By contrast, emotional outbursts or displays (particularly in response to taunting) engendered in the tank occupant a unique nakedness and vulnerability.
But most pleasingly, from the perspective of the viewer performing the tanking, was the fact that a swift gurn over the teacher's shoulder through the mesh-reinforced glass would light the blue touch-paper on a further outpouring of hysterical belligerence from the 'fishie'.
approved Jun 27 2005, submitted Jun 22 2005 by Drew Styles
Ask your victim to hold out their palm.
"There's your house," you say, pointing at the centre of their palm.
"There's the garden," you continue, pointing slightly to the left/right of centre
"Where do you want the fishpond?" you ask.
Your victim will then point somewhere else on their palm, and you, in response, will cough up a massive great greeny, and, with unnerving accuracy, place the "fishpond" at their chosen location.
approved Mar 29 2003, submitted Mar 25 2003 by Nick Hunt
A friend of mine had a variation on that trick, but with less build up and panache:
Greeny cocked and ready he would get a girl to open her mouth by simply saying 'Open wide, go on. Nothing'll happen...' and saying 'trust me' repeatedly, coupled with pleas of 'come on, why don't you trust me?'.
Then phutt - a rolled-over tongue shot ripe green straight in. Not everyone was so trusting, and it often took considerable leg work to secure a victim, sometimes more than one day.
It wouldn't have surprised anyone if he'd gone through a romantic montage with a girl, ice-skating and running along beaches, simply to shoot some snot into a girl.
approved Apr 20 2005, submitted Mar 19 2004 by Sticky Knickers
"Fixtures" was the name of the school diary which every boy was issued with. These would occasionally be lost or left behind, of course, and when you needed to look something up (e.g. dates of sports matches) you would, naturally enough, ask to borrow someone else's. And Freddie Messon-Gilpin would, naturally enough, lend you his in the middle of double biology. And you, sitting behind him, would proceed to draw enormous phalluses, complete with Jap's eye and cum-lines, all over it. If there was time, you could fill in all the space available for each day in the year, and he'd have to buy another one.
(Have you borrowed another person's book and filled in every available gap with cocks, spunk lines and women riding around in tanks with their tits out? We're starting a competition to find the most cock-saturated page of a standard exercise book. Tell Log if you think you've got Britain's most cocks on a page.
approved May 1 2003, submitted Apr 13 2003 by Digby Willes
Thursday was the day that our form tutor would check our homework diaries for teacher comments and our parents' signature, to prove we'd been good boys during the week. One week I briefly left the class and upon my return found that the current week's page had been filled with numerous "CUNT"s in big letters.

Unfortunately, my form tutor wasn't fooled by my subtle rebranding of said obscenities to "CUNE". Nowadays, of course, I would have the wherewithal to swiftly adapt it to "Conte's Bicycle And Fitness Equipment".
approved Sep 22 2005, submitted Sep 1 2005 by Charlie Webb
Blakey's dad was not amused by the memo I left for him in his homework diary, in thick permanent marker.

"Memo:" it read, "Bum Dad."
approved Dec 2 2005, submitted Dec 1 2005 by Bionic Sheep
Turning on the gas in chemistry and putting a lighter to it. Obvious really. Best time was when Colin Stone lost his carefully combed and hairsprayed, nu-romantic fringe in a puff of foul-smelling smoke.
approved Feb 6 2003, submitted Jan 31 2003 by Diving Bastard
In my experience, the best time to do this is when you are doing a demonstration for the primary school kids, and 'accidentally' turn the wrong tap on, very neatly setting fire to their parents.
approved Feb 27 2003, submitted Feb 19 2003 by Name Withheld
Taking a length of flexible tubing and spraying a can of lynx into one end, while holding a cigarette lighter to the other will make a rudimentary playground flamethrower.

Unfortunately the fire has a tendency to burst out of both ends, injuring both victim and assailant.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Mar 20 2003 by Conor Franklin
Can also be jerry-built from a cigarette lighter and a can of Lynx. This had the added bonus of being portable and made everything stink of "Java" or "Africa", depending on whose sports bag you raided.

(If there is a more powerful emetic than the stink of burnt teenage hair and fucking Lynx Java mixed together, I havent found it. Susan)
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Mar 25 2003 by Dr Ringpiece
Of course, attaching those orange bunsen burner tubes to the gas taps made directional flamethrowers... very good for fights. This does, however, destroy the tubes after a while, so make sure you steal plenty of them.
Filling each others pencil cases with gas was also fun, although I forget exactly why.
approved May 6 2003, submitted Apr 12 2003 by The Bittern
Attatching a bunsen burner to the water tap rather than the suggested gas main provides a suprisingly high powered water pistol. Closing the opening at the bottom of the burner is advisable.
approved Apr 18 2005, submitted Nov 14 2004 by Name Withheld
A surprisingly inventive variation on this was practiced - once - by a clever fellow at my school. In a quiet moment when the teacher wasn't paying attention, he connected the gas tap to a length of bunsen hose, and the other end of a water hose. Then he turned them on to see which would win.

The result was a clear victory for water pressure, a victory which proved to be irreversible as the underground gas submain filed with water. The gas pressure wasn't sufficient to drive it out and it had to be dug up and drained at a cost of thousands of pounds.
approved Apr 5 2006, submitted Apr 3 2006 by Jack Rarebit
A highly effective defense against the attack of a trevor's fleas. The castle was constructed from sandwich boxes, "club" biscuits and anything else which could stand unaided as a section of wall. Bananas made excellent flea-cannons which were mounted on the the walls. Drink bottles and thermos flasks made the lookout towers. A small castle could be built around yourself, but the game was more fun when the entire table made a full-on flea castle which completely cut the fleabag off from the rest of us.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Arseburger
Flea darts are basically grass darts which, when looked at closely, sometimes have little black creatures moving about in them. These, of course, are fleas.
Like the purple headed mountain and each little bird that sings, they were invented by God. He designed them to stick to schoolgirls' white socks, who would then walk briskly about a bit on the way home from school before thinking 'Ugh, a flea dart'. They would then remove the flea dart, allowing it to germinate, giving rise to a new flea dart plant.
Flea darts are harvested at the morning break, and distributed into peoples' hair throughout the day. They are generally thrown at girls because they have long hair, or boys with curly hair, to ensure maximum attatchment effectivity.
Once a person has been "infected" with a flea dart, it is best to spend the rest of the day running away from them, as fleas are highly contagious and make a convincing argument that the person is dirty and smells.
approved May 2 2005, submitted Apr 27 2005 by Oscar Terry
A boy called Martin had his life ruined by everyone, but it was OK because he had fleas. He accepted the fact he had fleas with good grace and consented to be dosed with flea powder (chalk dust) during most lessons. One of his brothers was in prison, but this might not be related.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Pauly
How to tell if you have fleas
- If you smell of alsatian wee and chip fat, you have fleas.
- If you are poor, you probably smell of alsatian wee and chip fat. See above.
- If you bring your lunch to school in a bread bag, or get free school meals, you are probably poor. See above.
- If you sat next to Karen Bachelor in class, you now have fleas.
Note: Having fleas is worse than having nits or AIDS, because even a dirty haired gay would not bum a dog.
approved Jun 26 2006, submitted Feb 6 2006 by Deacon Gusset
Fleas became such an epidemic in Primary school that Mr Hayes the headmaster was forced to give a lecture in assembly about how fleas aren't dirty, and clean people can have fleas too, and anyway nobody in the school really has fleas so just shut up about them. Any questions?
Hand up at the back of the hall. "Sir, are you a clean person?"
"Why, yes I am, I bathe every day."
Muttered stage whisper: "He's got fleas."
We were kept in assembly until half past ten that morning. I mean, HALF PAST TEN! By a fleabag!
approved Jul 20 2006, submitted Jul 18 2006 by Iestyn Mortymer
Leah Williams once attempted to ostracise me from my peers by announcing that she'd seen a dog flea in my hair. I didn't own a dog, and she confessed that she'd planted the dog flea in my hair herself. This suggested that she had a ready supply about her person. I put this to the jury, but my rumoured flea had caught the class's imagination, and nobody wanted to bully her instead.
approved Jan 17 2007, submitted Oct 23 2006 by Abby Normal
Game played after swimming at the local leisure centre during which you would put your towel over your head (like a yashmak), secure it in place by putting your swimming goggles on over it (thereby concealing your true identity), and then run around the building shouting The fleeeeeing Araaaaabs! until a member of staff got bored enough to tell you to piss off home. The bar was raised considerably when Neil Keouski neglected to wear anything other than the Arabian headdress, ran to the front of the building, and waved his cock at the receptionist.
approved Jul 25 2005, submitted Jun 20 2005 by Spaghetti Hoops
Spit or the act of spitting, used extensively in Otley, West Yorkshire. Derived from the phlegmatic issue of more bronchial hacking.
fleg pole, a pole around which some students would grab onto and spin around, measuring their worth by the number of times they spin around before touching the floor. These poles, covered in fleg, become dangerously slippery fleg poles.
fleg pit, any lowered area with a balcony from which fleggers may fleg onto the occupants. Those on the balcony may tempt fleggees into the pit with the use of low denomination coins. See also jew bundle.
approved Dec 12 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Christian Cooper
One of Brian's responses to 'Big Dave' during a verbal disagreement. Dave was three years younger than us but possibly weighed more than all of us put together.
In the same argument, Brian also said, "Your mum's so thick, she got run over by a parked car."
approved Jun 21 2005, submitted Jun 20 2005 by Luke Tansey
I would like to share this lovely homage to the '70s hit "Seasons in the Sun" Courtesy: Southfields Infant School, Peterborough.

We had joy, we had fun
Flicking bogeys at the sun
But the sun was too hot
And the bogeys turned to snot
approved Jan 22 2012, submitted Jan 20 2012 by anonymous user
The act of fighting whilst in the 'arms retracted inside jackets' official flid position. Often accompanied by Joey Deacon-esque 'Mmmnuurrr' (or 'belm') noises.
approved Jan 21 2003, submitted Jan 17 2003 by Rob Scott
Flid flippers is the practice of hiding your elbows inside your shirt, rolling up your sleeves and poking your hands out of the them. The phrase "flid flippers" is funnier than the practice.)
approved Dec 12 2002, submitted Dec 12 2002 by Martin Hand
Another equally hilarious way of mocking the afflicted was to double your arm up inside your sleeve so as to grip your should with your hand then rolling back the sleeve so that the ball of your elbow poked out the end like a stump. You should not make the mistake of forgetting to push your tongue into your bottom lip and making mong sounds to complete the effect. Doing this with both arms at once would really win you some serious kudos/detention.
approved Mar 31 2003, submitted Jan 3 2003 by Rob Young
A similar thing could be achieved by putting your arms down the wrong sleeves of your jumper and flailing wildly. Apart from ruining your jumper, this would also give you the added effect of looking grotesquely deformed.
All that was missing was a sack over your head and a friend parading you around the playground with a big stick.
approved Jan 6 2006, submitted Jan 4 2006 by Graham Beverley
To embelish the flid flippers joke, make sure that everyone stands in front of you. Perform the maneouvere, this time with the added impact of taking your shoes off and kneeling in them. This produces an excellent "fliddy dwarf" effect.
It is so funny, it is actually worth the stultifying wait for you take your shoes off, put your arms double in your shirt and tell everyone to stand in front of you. It is. I swear it is.
approved Jan 27 2006, submitted Jan 26 2006 by anonymous user
Based on the hilarious thalidomide tragedy, in which pregnant women were prescribed a drug to treat the symptoms of morning sickness. Worked a treat, but it also caused the children to be born with a seemingly random collection of limbs. Easily simulated by pressing your wrists against your shoulders and flapping them like an eager seal. The links are therefore obvious - if you've demonstrated lower than average dexterity, you are a flid, and all your actions amount to nothing but flidding.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rocky Shore Pervert
My friend used this phrase to rather astutely refer to someone who, upon taking their first E runs around the nearest group of people they know shouting "I'm on E! I'm on E! I'm on E! I'm on E!" while waving their arms like those stupid little flowers that react enthusiastically to any sound whatsoever.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Tolan
'This bloke woke up one morning, and, you know how you sometimes wake up with a bonk on?'

'Yeah'

'Well he did, anyway he decided to have a bath, but he couldn't get rid of it, and you know how your bollocks start to ache if you've had a lob on for a while?'

'Yeah'

'Well, his did, so he decided to have a wank. Anyway he finished but he had a problem cos, well, you know how spunk floats in the bath?'

'Yeah'

'OH MY GOD YOU WANK IN THE BATH YOU MASSIVE BATH WANKER WANKER WANKER WANKER'
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Feb 13 2003 by shaun andover