The Law of the Playground
the letter f
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Contemporaneous with Garbage Pail Kids, and probably confined to our school. The fluff was a small strip of synthetic felt that lived in a matchbox. Everyone had them, and some of the more adventurous kids made whole cities for these little cloth-strips at home. No one know how this craze started, but it lasted for about a year.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Richard Morgan
Ask the victim if they want to get high and see amazing colours. They usually say yes, and so the game shall begin. Place the victim (who, it must be said, has to be a very trusting victim) on their knees and hold a towel in front of their face. An accomplice would then pull the towel up while you pushed on either side of their nose with your palms. Once the towel is removed, ask them if they can see the flying colours. Obviously, they don't, so you try again. This time, however, press your arse against the victim's nose and teasingly drag the towel away. It might help if your accomplice presses their face forwards. It would seem a terrible waste to go through all this effort if their nose didn't go up your arse.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ashley , Jon Blyth
  • Nibble off one edge of a Flying Saucer making a hole exposing the sherbet inside
  • Nibble a smaller hole on the opposite side
  • Place between lips, aim larger hole at victim's face and blow sherbert with a swift, well-aimed blast
  • Hilarity and temporary blindness ensues
approved Dec 18 2003, submitted Nov 11 2003 by Ponky Ponk
An esteemed colleague of mine developed an aptitude for graphic design at an early age. He spent the entirety of the second year drawing dildos with wings in French text books, which we had to find. These were known as Flying Talbots. I believe "Where's Wally" owes substantial royalties.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Simon Wharton
The "Flying Talbot" premise itself probably owes royalties to "Private Eye". You used to be able to buy sets of three ceramic winged cocks, in a flying duck style, from ads in the back of the magazine. The whole "Talbot" thing was some sort of in-joke they had at the time.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 14 2002 by anonymous user
I think "Talbots" was used because, everyone had a Miss Talbot in their school who was rather fit and because she wasn't married, she was obviously a lesbian and used dildos.
Usually a maths or language teacher...
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Mar 31 2003 by The Third Man
Every lunchtime, at about 1.10pm, a strange white foam used to emerge from the bottom of the pipes. Children used to play with it - run around the playground with it on their faces in winter pretending to be Father Christmas, or in summer, an ice-cream to fun and fool your friends with.
I now realise that this was the cooks emptying the sinks of all the greasy, fatty, food-encrusted gunk. This, added to a dash of Fairy Liquid, would cause giant clouds of this foul-stinking dirt. Everyone from Hillbrook School will probably get cancer from this by the age of 40.
approved Aug 12 2003, submitted Aug 7 2003 by Richard Swan
Fog, The

Book by James Herbert and most peoples first experience of breathing takingly, eye poppingly, gobsmackingly, hardcore pornography. (If you are 11)

Fog, The could be read in public with total impunity, as its cover in no way belied the graphic, frank depictions of adult lovemaking that could be found within.

The only problem with Fog, The was Herberts use of sex as metaphor. Herbert explores the idea of sex as celebration of life, with death as the great disclosure, revealing the lonliness and horror of lifes seedy underbelly with the literary device of contrast. ("In the midst of life we are in death", and so on.) To demonstrate lifes rich tapestry of light and dark, pleasures and woes, sex is used to throw death into sharp relief, and vice versa.

This means that just as a sex scene was getting to the really filthy bit, the character would chop off their own cock with a pair of gardening shears, or throw themselves into the sea on top of a load of corpses after a big lezzing session.

Most psychosexual dsyfuntions can be attributed to early childhood exposure to Fog, The.

(See also: American Psycho, Judy Blumes Forever)
approved Mar 28 2003, submitted Mar 28 2003 by Susan Tobacco
In a similar vein to The Fog there was The Lair, sequel to The Rats. It had a juicy scene in but at least these lovers got to finish humping before they both got killed. It was my first encounter with anything vaguely pornographic and as such was read and re-read so many times the book fell apart. I can still almost quote it verbatim. "At 25, Alan was up and coming, at 34 Babs was down and hadn't been coming enough..."

It goes on to descibe how he'd taken her over the filing cabinets and she'd dragged him yelping round the office with his bollocks tied by his tie. Still, they were having an affair so they probably deserved to get eaten by gigantic fuckoff rats.

(Also, in Creed, there was a bit where a nasty lady wanked off the hero and wiped her fanny with his "juices", (what a word, Mr. Herbert, what a word!) which created hundreds of little sex ghosts that floated around the room. I think James Herbert needs to give his mother a ring and start asking questions Susan.)
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 8 2003 by anonymous user
Pages 63 and 64 of The Terminator contain a graphic depiction of Sarah Connor's flatmate and her boyfriend having wild sex. When dropped, the book would magically fall open to these rather gummy pages.
approved Apr 25 2003, submitted Apr 11 2003 by Name Withheld
When deciding which library book to take out from the school library, simply hold the book by the covers, and turn it upside down. The 'well thumbed' pages, containing either breasts or imaginative death, would fall apart.
More pages breaks mean more racy passages, which you can then learn and mumble under your breath instead of saying the Lord's Prayer in Assembly.
approved Sep 9 2003, submitted Aug 7 2003 by anonymous user
Favourite television programme of Mark Foster, who would constantly ask me if I'd seen the most recent episode and then look at me in disbelief when I told him I'd never heard of it. It was about a year before I realised he was talking about "The Fall Guy" which, of course, I watched all the time.

(At the time Mark was receiving regular speech therapy)
approved Nov 4 2003, submitted Oct 28 2003 by Pete Smith
The essence of foot chuffers is to stamp on the opponent's foot. To do so is to score a chuff. However, to prevent random stampings, rules were developed regarding a signing on and off process. To sign on, both combatants must raise their right leg and declare the commencement of foot chuffing. You remain in a state of war until one player signs off. Formerly, a mutual and simultaneous signing off was required, in the same fashion of the signing on. However, some warriors would refuse to sign off, and carry on stamping on their opponent's feet for days after, sometimes weeks. After much injustice, the amendment was passed to allow unilateral signings off. Special moves include the reverse chuff, the double chuff, and the total chuff combo (a reverse double chuff). Exotic moves, such as the flip chuff, the uberchuff, and the black spin, were postulated but never put into practice.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Paul Daft
Also a new-shoe christening ritual. Whoever has new shoes must be Chuffed once by everyone evenr, until the shoes are way dirty, nearly broken, or the chuffee's foot is about to break. Stopping at these points is, of course, discretionary.
approved Mar 9 2003, submitted Mar 7 2003 by Name Withheld
When I was about 7 a girl at my school, who I'll call "The Fucking Bitch", stamped on my toe so hard and so often that it got infected and I had two nights in hospital with some sort of poisoning.
My father decided that the sensible, adult thing to do would be to go to The Bitch's house and talk to her parents. However, when he found that they had all gone out, he decided (after some reflection) that the best thing to do would be to put a fucking brick through their front window.
Sorted.
approved Oct 23 2005, submitted Oct 12 2005 by Name Withheld
Our football burst one breaktime. Someone had the idea of taking out the deflated inner balloon through the burst seam and replacing it with some large stones.
We then 'accidentally' rolled the ball over towards a group of older bastard kids, knowing that they would try to kick it over the fence.
And it worked. Honestly, it worked. One of them took a good run up, had a huge hoof at the ball, shouted out loud, and hopped off on one leg in considerable pain, and probably saying "ooyah!"
I have never since experienced such complete satisfaction at the entirely successful execution of a plan. We strutted around like five little George Peppards for a week.
approved Jun 21 2004, submitted Jan 25 2004 by Matt Fasham
Everyone experiences a leather football in the face on a winter's day at one point in their school life, but not everyone gets to experience kicking the ball at full force in your history teacher's face on the coldest day of the year, then getting away with it because you can run faster than he can.
approved Jul 24 2003, submitted Jul 18 2003 by Alistair Gray
For good friends and for good food
We thank you, Lord
Amen

Compulsory prayer said before dinner at my primary school. To be said in a mindless drone, reminiscent of, "Good mor-ning, Mis-sus Jones".
More accurate would have been;
For the wondrous bounty
That is shepherds pie
Left over from last week
And for letting me sit next to Peter
Who smells of cheese biscuits
We thank you, Lord
Amen
approved Jun 27 2005, submitted Apr 26 2005 by Name Withheld, Ponky Ponk
It's the late 70's, it's going home time, and Darren is well impressed by the hard kids leaving the school gates with "AVFC" written on their foreheads in marker pen. Darren thinks it's the finest thing he's ever seen, and asks the lads to write "AVFC" on his forehead too. OK, say the hard kids.

Darren walked home that day with "FUCK OFF DAD" written on his forehead.
approved Jan 3 2012, submitted Dec 27 2011 by Ivan Vasiilevich
The first thing you notice about foreign exchange pupils is just how foreign they look. Invariably, their heads were a strange shape, they smelled odd and their clothes ranged from bizarre to hilarious.
Depending on their gullibility and command of English it was occasionally possible to get them to do silly and potentially dangerous things. Most of them were too wise to fall into any trap involving the words fuck, wank, bastard or shit. The skill lay in coming across as trustworthy and in using phrases obscure enough to raise no alarms. We had moderate success with a young French boy who we managed to send into a sweet shop, point to a big jar and say 'clitoris'. The same boy, without any inducement at all, surprised my sister on a cramped car journey by asking if he could come on her legs. She laughed and so did I. My friends decided he wan't a proper French person when he declined the offer of eating a whole raw onion.
On the whole, Germans were more fun becaue it was permissible to punch them for starting wars and gassing people.
approved Oct 24 2003, submitted Jul 24 2003 by Bob McBride
A man named after his appearance - that of a muppet Michael Jackson. The most popular Fozzie-related sport was to roll up small bits of paper, dampen them in your mouth and fire them from your Bic biro case like a pea shooter, to get as much paper and other debris into Ferrison's hair without him feeling it. Alternately, you could empty the contents of a hole-punch into his hair like confetti.

The most notable game reached a climax with me losing five to eight. Matches were normally ended like a game of Buck-A-Roo, with Ferrison ruffling his hair and everything dropping out. This time, it ended with a more satisfying finale, when my poor aim led to a wad of damp exercise book entering a non-participant's mouth just as he breathing in.
approved Oct 8 2011, submitted Oct 3 2011 by Bertie Cockroft
Jennifer (never Jenny, twat) Campbell looked like a frog. So we made up an entire alphabet in her language, called Fraagian, obviously, and sent secret notes to each other in it. Bizarrely, we never used it to be mean to her or about her. But Niki Earp claimed to be completely fluent in it and even tried to speak it. We fell out in third year...bitch...
approved Feb 6 2003, submitted Dec 30 2002 by Ginger Snaps
Grab another one,
Stick a chainsaw up its bum,
Turn the power on,
Now the fraggle's gone!
approved Jan 31 2003, submitted Jan 29 2003 by Bobs Meryll
Down at fraggle rock, grab a fraggle by its cock,
Twirl it in the air, by its pubic hair,
Chuck it on the grass, ram a chainsaw up its ass,
Turn the power on, now the fraggles gone.
approved Oct 14 2003, submitted Jul 10 2003 by Josh G
I fear Josh that you have fallen into one of the most annoying traps in the modern world. Using American terms instead of English ones. I presume you meant that the chainsaw goes up the fraggle's arse? Or did you mean ass - in which case, unnecessary cruelty to the poor donkey creature seems over the top to me. Ass doesn't even rhyme with grass. Unless you are from the North, in which case I am sorry to hear that. I think you get what I'm trying to say.

-An impartial editor writes: Josh could, of course, be from America. This is the world wide web, after all. Though what our American cousins make of all the references to Denis Norden, I don't know.

A less forgiving anonymous user adds - "What you're trying to say, Pope Gregory, you effete Southern cunt, is 'I'm a pedantic, humourless twat'. Making twat rhyme with art, of course. - Now now boys, it's only a website! (And book)
approved Jun 24 2004, submitted Oct 30 2003 by Pope Gregory
This song was given a new and hilarious twist when a friend accompanied the final line with a pirouette for no apparent reason. The spectacular move was brought to a dramatic close when he accidentally slapped a passing old lady in the tits.
approved Dec 29 2003, submitted Nov 2 2003 by Matt Sharp
No, Jesus no, it's this;
Down at fragle rock,
Grab a fraggle by its cock,
Swing it round and round,
Then bash it on the ground.
If it wants some more,
Jam its bollocks in the door,
If it isnt dead -
Kick it in the head.
If you think its right,
Blow it up with dynamite,
Pick up all the bits,
And throw them in the bin...
Throw them in the bin...
Throw them in the bin...
Although this starts out as a routine session of Fraggle-bashing, it's worth noting that the second verse is done with the Fraggle's permission, and the third verse (the Fraggle probably being unconscious by this point) only carries on the violence if the attacker deems it right. Say, if the Fraggle had been touching up the Doozers, in which case the filthy little bastard deserves everything it gets.
approved Oct 5 2004, submitted Jan 22 2004 by anonymous user
I don't know how or why, but the little bloke that used to ride by us on his pale blue motor scooter whilst we walked to school became known as "Frank the Bummer Man". As far as we knew, this meant that he liked rubbing bottoms with young boys. Anyway, this all led to us shouting "Frank the Bummer Man!" at him in very loud voices as he rode by.
One day, this became too much for Frank - if that was indeed his name - and he dismounted very rapidly and gave chase.
We ended up over the clay pits near the school, covered in mud, and eventually turned up for school over an hour late, receiving detentions for our trouble.
After that we left Frank alone as he'd shown us that being a bummer man didn't mean that he couldn't run after us.
approved Oct 3 2003, submitted Jul 25 2003 by Steve Cobham
Franzi was a cartoon pig in Deutsche Heute textbooks. A few swift swishes of the pen later and suddenly the illustrations showed him in a variety of homosexual/masturbatory acts. Thus he became "Franzi the Gay Pig". Some textbooks just seem to be illustrated in a way that invites scribblings of "ooooh, yeah, fuck my gash" and huge spurting members inserted up farting bumholes.
I wonder, if I went back to my old schools, and asked to see the textbooks, would the same one's I grafittied still be in use? Is it too much to ask? Please Lord...
approved Feb 6 2003, submitted Dec 19 2002 by Dan Wakely
Well at least you didn't get nicknamed Franzi after the damned thing. Like I did. Odd to find that gay pig around here.
approved Mar 7 2003, submitted Feb 7 2003 by anonymous user
A weekly process, involving writing 'freak' backwards on the blackboard and then shoving the pre-selected freak onto it. Tragically for Alan Tucker, he was a regular nominee and began to refuse to wear anything but a white shirt to school. His wintry shivering was especially pointless when someone found one of those green "calligraphy" pens that all schools bought in bulk in the early 1980s, and scrawled freak on his shirt in a primitive Times New Roman-style font.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Duncan Alexander
Exclamation of surprise or delight. Also duetted with Elton John on the number one hit "Don't Go Breaking My Arse".
approved Dec 11 2002, submitted Dec 11 2002 by Jon Blyth