The Law of the Playground
the letter g
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When I was eight years old, my life up to that point had been so sheltered that I had never heard the word 'cunt'. The national curriculum was shit in those days.

This spell of innocence was broken when I took an afternoon's trip to the local disused railway line, to look at nature and that. An old bridge crossing the line was under repair, and the contract work was being carried out by a local firm, 'G E Raynault'. This name was advertised, as is traditional, by a hoarding. Only their advert had been subverted by someone I can only describe as a wag.

They'd added, quite simply, "... IS A CUNT".

Was this the case? I don't know. I was eight years old, and had no experience of what I now know to be a litigous engineering firm that checks its Google results. I doubt the graffiti writer knew, either: the handwriting didn't look like it was written by the kind of person who'd had high-level dealings with industrial contractors. It was just someone who knew what I had just learned: that adding "... is a cunt" to any proper noun is an amusing and edgy form of free expression, whether it was true or not.

It was a life-changing experience.
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Mar 23 2003 by Name Withheld
Part of the increasing efforts to render teachers impotent. If a teacher were to lay even a single finger on any person in the class this would be met with a chant of "G.B.H., G.B.H., G.B.H." by the pupils, each letter punctuated with both fists banged onto the desk. Hopefully, the repetitive mantra-aspect of the chant (not to mention the mob rule aspect) would worm its way into the teacher's confidence, and make them panic. One famous and long-lasting rendition of this 'anthem' was when our Geography teacher, 'Clicker' Clark, grabbed my arm and punched me in the back. I probably deserved it.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Mark Shephard
It stands for greasy bum sex, but when you ask someone whether they like G.B.S., they don't know that. You should not tell them this until they have openly said that they like G.B.S. in front of many people. Including their parents, who will be shocked and disappointed at their son's hitherto undiscovered fetish.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Steve Gibbs
also gay butt sex
Adjective used to describe a bad situation.
"That is one fucking ton of g.b.s." - Charles de Gaulle, on hearing that Marchal Ptain had signed an armistice with the Nazis, leading to the creation of the Vichy regime.
approved Sep 22 2003, submitted Aug 6 2003 by J. Regus
At primary school there was a boy called Tom who had orange wee. During toilet breaks, we'd line up at the trough-style urinal with Tom at one end and the rest of us at the other. The idea of the game was to repel Tom's orange wee with normal yellow piss for as long as possible. The game ended when Tom declared that his mum had taken him to see the doctor and he wouldn't be pissing orange any more.
approved Oct 21 2003, submitted Oct 21 2003 by St. Polycarps
Here's another GWNN example, but not nearly as fun. Or, indeed, clever.
Kid A: What's your favourite animal?
Kid B: Leopard.
A: What's your favourite colour?
B: Green.
A: What's your favourite number?
B: Six.
A: I've never seen a green leopard with six legs!
Flawed, because as soon as someone had done it to you once, you could say dog, black, four to the next person, leaving them powerless to do anything but dither and say 'ermm...'
Not played beyond the age of 6.
approved Jul 12 2006, submitted Mar 17 2006 by Name Withheld
One particularly bored lunchbreak a gang war broke out. One of the school wags had stolen a box of chip forks (the pointless little wooden chip eating implements), and after a football-match-based-argument, the said pupil formed a gang called the Chip forks (I was Chip fork number 9). His rival, not to be out done, formed a gang called the Hoopies (I don't know why they were called this). Hoopies would catch Chip forks and draw large H's on their foreheads with the indelible markers. Eventually, over a number of days, the whole school became divided into Chipforks and Hoopies, and registration after lunch was brightened with the sight of a sea of Blue H's on foreheads (long before Red Dwarf existed). Great days...
approved Feb 12 2003, submitted Feb 5 2003 by Jeff Seaward
Mid-80,s sticker craze featuring Chuckie-looking 'kids' with punny names, e.g. 'Electric Bill' was a kid in prison clothes being zapped on an electric chair. Each person had a GPK equivalent. I was Cheeky Charles because I had a fat face, so people would come up to me and puff out their cheeks. Being 'Shorn Sean' (bloodied face, oozing spots) led to your face being scraped with a ruler. They were eventually banned from my Catholic school as it was decided they were Satanic in origin.
approved Nov 18 2003, submitted Nov 14 2003 by Mr Trim
A little-known martial art involving combat with the gardening implements in Ross's garage. The higher belts could only be achieved by hitting Martin Phillips with a spade.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Paul Heath
Plagued by rumours of an illicit affair with the rowing coach, this fat sod extraordinaire had in fact taken offence at being called "soft" (which he was, in great quantities) and successfully petitioned to get his rowing coach fired.

This resulted in the increase of the frequency and vehemence with which "SOFT COCK!" was screamed in his flabby face.

"Hard" for your rowing coach or a big soft poof to your peers? What a fantastic Catch-22.
approved Jan 8 2004, submitted Jan 3 2004 by Matthew Hannah
Mums! Looking to traumatise an entire coach-load of schoolchildren on a school trip? Want to ensure that your child will be stigmatised and shunned for the remainder of their school career? May I suggest that you provide a packed lunch containing a garlic sausage and Branston pickle sandwich?
It really works! Your child will be socially fucked for weeks!
approved Jul 9 2004, submitted Apr 13 2004 by Steven Wray
You'll be the school weirdo for years not weeks when you go on a 'Schools Abroad' trip and discover your mum's packed three unisex disposable plastic pants "just in case".
approved Feb 14 2005, submitted Dec 23 2004 by Mister Simon
Short for Gary-Baldi. An insult directed at anyone who either through hard evidence or simple malicious rumour was judged to be devoid of pubes. Accompanied by tight mouthed squeaking noises like those you would get if you rubbed a spotless plate.
approved Jul 27 2003, submitted Jul 26 2003 by Andy Mansh
If Gary should ask who your favourite Premiership footballer is you should unhesitatingly reply 'Steve Bould'.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Aug 14 2003 by Rob Young
Scrawled into the desk at which I sat my Italian GCSE, worn and faded with time but still legible, was the legend 'Gary Lineker makes my tits erect'. I have never been able to fully appreciate why this might have been.
approved Sep 22 2003, submitted Sep 19 2003 by Matt Muir
Every time a Gas Van (or BT Van) is spotted, the quickest child would shout "Gas Van" and punch a mate as hard as he could on the arm. If nobody else saw the van, a reversal beating ensued. Verification is required, to avoid children just punching each other for no reason. Which would just be stupid.
approved Mar 14 2003, submitted Feb 12 2003 by Name Withheld
The game whereby you kick the crap anyone in your school yard upon the sighting of a gas van. The only protection from a gas van attack is to shout "Gas Van no rebounds" loud enough that enough people hear you. Gas van drivers probably have quite a pessimistic view of childrens behaviour, seeing more than their fair share of mindless violence.
approved Mar 14 2003, submitted Mar 11 2003 by John Kelly
Gavin Jones' Dad was a handicapped. His eyes didn't work and he had to be led everywhere by Guide Dog. Some of the more gossipy 3rd years had already started rumours about Gavin's dad's relationship with his four-legged friend, when, one Parents Evening, those rumours were given a massive boost of credibility.
Being next to each other in the register meant Gavin and I had adjacent time slots that fateful evening. Nervous with anticipation about my forthcoming report I'd headed off to the toilet. Pissing roughly in the direction of the urinal was Gavin's dad. Sitting faithfully by his side, lapping gently at the golden stream and the contents of the ceramic bowl was his dog. Gavin's Dad's dog was drinking his piss.
Looking back at the incident now, I think I'm fully justified in my telling everyone I could that not only did Gavin's Dad's dog drink Gavin's Dad's piss, he was actually sucking him off in the toilets.
I was justified, wasn't I? The filthy, dog-bothering pervert.
approved Oct 20 2004, submitted Oct 19 2004 by Nick Hunt
gay
Gay just means stupid - there never seemed to be any real implication that you were actually gay if someone called you gay. Pete Beal's Banana Bowl was another matter.
Teacher : What is the capital of France?
Elaine : Is it Calais sir?
Darren : Sir, Elaine's being gay!
approved Dec 3 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Well yeah, but gay also means like, noncey or twat-tacular, or wanky, or nobalike. Anything irritating is gay as well. Oh, and saying "your mum" is gay.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 16 2003 by griff .
After having discovered your site today and wasted most of it reading entries (on company time) I can only conclude British kids are suspiciously preoccupied with gayness. Little closet faggots, all of you, eh?
In my country (Sweden) we were never called "gay" just for being athletically challenged, interested in arts or books, or generally not fitting in. They beat us up, don't get me wrong - they just didn't call us gay while they did it.
(Two things, anonymous gay Swede; the fact we talk about it means that we're not scared of gayness. It's you lot, the Swedes, who are gay-scared, and that means you're super-gay. Arguing with the logic of this only makes you gayer, so just shut up, bend over and take one from big butch Denmark.
Secondly, the reason this website has a lot of gay references in it is that I'm a gay, and I'm pushing my agenda with a view to attracting burly doormen. Are you a burly doorman? If so, please get in touch. I'm Log, and I'll do anything for Dairylea.
)
approved Jun 13 2005, submitted Jun 10 2005 by anonymous user
Perhaps our anonymous Swede would care to enlighten us as to what transpired in the gay-free playgrounds of Sweden when someone suggested a game of "war"? I can only assume they put all their pocket money in a pile on the ground and sat on it with their heads hidden under their parka hoods until it was all over - just like in real life!

Très drôle, Tony. Très drôle. - Phil
approved Jun 13 2005, submitted Jun 13 2005 by Tony Green
Um, isn't that Switzerland?
Thanks to Richard Irons, and also lots of other people for sticking their arms rigidly into the air and going 'Ugh..ugh...Mi-isssssssss' like the dirty little keenoes that they fucking are, and saying prcisely the same thing. And then crying when they are passed over, taking breath ONLY to reassure their mums that they DID know the answer and the moderaters 'never' choose THEM. Can I just remind you all that there is a forum for exactly this kind of thing at www.belmsford123.com?
Also I agree with Tony: anything north of Brittany and you're a cowardly, gouda munching, matchwood furniture buying, Abba loving BUMMER. IDST. - Mansh.
approved Jun 16 2005, submitted Jun 15 2005 by Name Withheld
Belm back at you all; Sweden maintained an offical position of neutrality in WWII while 'secretly' supporting the Nazis. Tony is thus well within his rights to mock them for not standing up to Adolf when England called.
approved Jun 24 2005, submitted Jun 19 2005 by Phil Glansvile
If any readers are interested, what Sweden did in the War was lay on large quantities of weapons-building grade steel to the Germans, let them use their rail system (at a suitable price) to get their troops into Norway, and swap Reichmarks for ballbearings until Churchill threatened to flatten Stockholm.

By the way, Sven, I've spent five years in your herring-powered country and the reason you never got called gay is because it was so blindingly obvious there was no need. I have yet to meet a Swedish man who possesses even 1% of the masculinity of your average Britt-Marie or Elin. You bunch of emasculated, pale, dickless shadow-men.

I quite like it here really, though, so please don't hit me with your handbag.
approved Jul 17 2005, submitted Jul 15 2005 by anonymous user
Nicky was a hulking child of Eastern European lineage who had the physical structure of a 38-year-old dock worker and a thirst for violence that simply could not be quenched. His entire secondary school career was spent in the position of the undisputed tough of our year - a tenure that was peppered heavily with savage beatings and a management style that could be characterised as an iron fist inside a steel glove.
Like all repressed peoples living under a totalitarian regime, a creative outlet for dissent will always be found. Our's was through the underground communications network of scribbles in the back of Auf Deutsch textbooks. 'Nicky is a gay ape' being the most profound entry into the history of people's resistance.
Like all tyrants, Nicky too ended up on the ash-heap of history as shortly after leaving school he promptly stabbed someone. Say what you like about Stalin being hard, but I'm pretty sure he never killed anybody.
approved Jan 30 2013, submitted Jan 26 2013 by anonymous user
Anyone who grows up in a crap town miles from the city will know the excitement of discovering, on a Saturday excursion into Bristol, that some pubs are gay pubs. Pubs for real gay people, to be gay in. We were agog. In the end, we dared Joe to run in, and run out again. Just to see what happened, like. I think we thought it would be something like running into a crowded chicken shed, and Joe would come flying out followed by a burst of feathers, glitter, and a gaggle of irate, clucking homosexual men. This didn't happen. Sadly.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 9 2003 by Susan Tobacco
To Gay Bar someone, pin them down and punch them repeatedly in the anus with a big swiging motion of your arm shouting "GAY BAR!"

I can neither confirm nor deny whether such behaviour is widespread in drinking establishments on the other side of the street.
approved Sep 20 2005, submitted Sep 18 2005 by anonymous user
Common currency as an insult from the ages of 11-16. Sometimes lengthened to Gay Barry Bender.
approved Mar 9 2003, submitted Mar 7 2003 by Jack Smith
Mnemonic that our music teacher encouraged us to learn for the notes on the lines in the bass clef (GBDFA).
approved Dec 18 2002, submitted Dec 18 2002 by RL M
Oh yeah, and, you can remember the strings on a guitar from Every Addict Druggie Gets Busted Eventually. Gareth Bevan swore by Fat Bastard Elephants Always Drink Guinness for the order of flat keys, but then, he was a bit odd.
approved Mar 1 2003, submitted Jan 8 2003 by RL M
The objective of this game is simple - to call the other person gay. However, if you are caught off guard, then you will become gay yourself. For example:
Ant: Ben...
Ben: What?
Ant: ...is gay.
Ant may now congratulate himself because he has called Ben gay. Once you have fallen for this, however, there is a counter attack to being called gay.
Ant: Ben...
Ben: Yes, Ant...
Ant: ...Is gay.
At which point, Ben may celebrate his hard-earned victory over Ant, the stupid gay. However, a 'combo-combo' move is available:
Ant: Ben...
Ben: Yes, Ant...
Ant: ...is cool.
The kudos gained from calling yourself cool is somewhat less then calling someone else gay, but at least youre not gay which, for all intents and purposes is what really counts.
approved Jan 24 2007, submitted Dec 10 2006 by Name Withheld