The Law of the Playground
the letter g
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The GAY-me (pronounced game)
A game in which you define how gay someone is by the things that they like. To whit:

"You are so gay, your favourite singer is Marvin GAY-e"., or
"Your favourite programme by Jeremy Beadle is GAY-me For a Laugh.", or
"Your favourite childrens book is Anne of Green GAY-bles.", or
"Your favourite song is I Will Survive by Gloria GAY-nor."
Repeat until you run out of examples. So far I have 17. The most beautiful thing about this game is when someone gets over-excited and accidentally says something that a gay person might actually like, for example "Your favourite magazine is GAY Times*. Oh, hang on..."
(*All gay people like the Gay Times, by the way. It's their favourite.)
approved Jan 31 2003, submitted Jan 23 2003 by Susan Tobacco
If anyone tries a trick or Catch-22 against you, use the all-purpose comeback, "is that gay humour? I don't understand it because I'm not gay, but you seem to find it amusing enough."
approved Feb 6 2003, submitted Jan 29 2003 by Bobs Meryll
"If a gay jumped on your back................would you let him stay or pull him off?"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Crazy Dave
"if you accidentally walked into a gay club.... would you feel a dick?"
approved Dec 22 2002, submitted Dec 18 2002 by liccle al
Deliberate mispronunciation of Guy Roper. Bonus points were awarded for calling him this to his face, which didn't happen very often, as he was more than capable of beating the shit out of me and all my mates.
approved Dec 22 2002, submitted Dec 21 2002 by James Trotman
Shower cubicles which have a shower curtain rather than a door to protect the modesty of the showeree, in theory favoured by those hoping to trade glances down the side of the curtain.
Typical application:
'[n], why don't you use the gay showers?'
'Because they're gay.'

approved Dec 23 2002, submitted Dec 20 2002 by Some One
One of our school bullies used to walk around the changing room wearing only a towel. He would order you to look at him, whereupon he would open the towel and expose himself to you.
He would then (after putting some clothes on) beat you up for being 'gay'.
This sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Gaymo.
approved Nov 5 2006, submitted Oct 9 2006 by Si Badvibes
Mr Prenderghast was our teacher of history in year 9. He was a twat and he looked like Uncle Fester from the Addams Family. One day saw him running out of the classroom after receiving the news that his 'wife' had just miscarried his baby and he never came back.
But we were able to catch up with him via an article in Now! magazine about how he and his boyfriend had got two lesbians pregnant with turkey basters, the baby had died, but they had made another through the same method, and now they were proud fathers of a son.
Well; when I say 'catch up with', I mean 'be revolted by'.
approved Oct 28 2005, submitted Oct 26 2005 by _the _brain
In the view of our woodwork (Design/Technology, if you must) teacher, the activity definitional of homosexuality; much more so than the rubbing together of four balls and two dicks.
Mr Hardy: "Where have those two boys gone?"
Mr Laurel: "They're both in the storeroom."
Mr Hardy: "Humph. Reading the Gay Times, I expect."
approved Apr 11 2005, submitted Feb 16 2004 by anonymous user
All of the trays in our canteen were dark brown wood except one, which was still brown, but slightly lighter. This was the gay tray, and if it was top of the pile when you came to the stack, you were obliged to use it. This usually meant losing your dinner, as you would be decked (qv). Taking the normal, presumably straight, tray from underneath it was even worse. You were then "gay scared" (a kind of state of beyond gayness) and got a beating behind the stage curtains. One boy got set up with the gay tray every day for a week, until he was caught throwing it into the skip during break. The preferred interpretation of this was that he was on a secret date with the gay tray. So; "Gay Paul Clay With the gay tray Sticks it up his bum Then he bums his mum"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Wilbur
Funnily enough, an identical set of circumstances occurred at our school - only a strange transformation would occur with the role of the tray as you progressed through your school career. In the junior half of the school the rarity value of the sole light tray held a certain cache. However, once you'd reached the senior school, the terrible truth about the gay tray and the effects it wraught upon the carrier became known to all and sundry. Memories of the remarkably violent fights that used to break out as people were pushed to the front of the queue in order to be the day's gay tray bearer still bring a smile to my face. Could the differing views of the junior and senior pupils be a 'To Kill a Mockingbird'-esque metaphor for the acceptance and tolerance of an innocent mind? Who knows?
approved Jul 28 2003, submitted Jul 16 2003 by Lord Groat
The story of a similar "gay tray" also occurred at my school. I attend a school which is subject to more riducule and steroetyping in regards to gay jokes. My school is a ballet school where we study the art of ballet. Unluckily for us we are steroetyped to be gay. Some are gay but of the most part male ballet dancers are not gay. The relevence of the gay tray is the fact that our cafeteria in our residence has ALL blue or green plastic plates and clear cups. However ther is one Pink coloured plate and one pink cup. These items are known as the "gay set" and whoever takes them it thought to have "caught gay" (which of course is contagious) and whoever touches this gay person is said to have caught gay, and so on it goes.

A joke my friend made up:

Q: What do you call 7 gay guys at the bar(re)?
A: Ballet class
approved Oct 22 2003, submitted Oct 14 2003 by anonymous user
In our canteen, i was a gay chair. All of them were the traditional plastic moulded seats on metal legs, and a rusty red colour, except the gay chair which was a slightly lighter shade of
Entry suspended at this point, if only for the admission that Rob was, in fact, a gay chair. Note to readers: If you'd like to know how this all pans out, see 'gay tray' - Conor
approved May 18 2005, submitted May 18 2005 by Gay Bastard
Collective term for any gang of lads from a rival school. Only one of them needs to be wearing a denim jacket for this term to be applied to all. The terrace style chant “gayboydenims, gayboydenims” (repeat x32) will eventually create a rift within the rival gang that will tear them apart.
approved Feb 22 2003, submitted Feb 12 2003 by Donkey Kong
An effeminate Adrian. Also known as Aidsdrian.
approved Nov 10 2003, submitted Nov 9 2003 by anonymous user
Another of those 'not knowing the actual meaning of the word gay' thing. This name was enforced upon anyone who was weak, small, or young. Which of course defines gayness.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Stephen Bray
Also an Indian restaurant in Manchester. "Eating at the Gaylord" was far too tempting a euphemism for oral sex to be kept to oneself.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Gaylord was often turned into "Lord of all Gays" and proceded in rank upto "God of Gay". When this started there were only a few steps Lord, King, God. But as we got older there were Cheiftans, Barrons, Popes and one memorable time when I called my sister the "Dowager Duchess Of Gay".
After time the Of Gay got dropped and You Barron & Cheiftan are still commonly used amongst my friends.
approved Jan 31 2003, submitted Jan 22 2003 by James Tann
In some Primary Schools, a perfectly acceptable come-back to this insult was "just because Im the lord of the gays, it doesnt mean IM gay".
This come-back was never used in secondary school, because it was shit, and gay.
approved Sep 30 2004, submitted Feb 11 2004 by Dan Smith
If you want to insinuate that anyone with the surname Taylor is a gaylord, use this simple method:

1) Get hold of an exercise book or anything else they have written their name on.
2) Write a 'd' at the end of 'Taylor'.
3) Curl a large 'C' around the 'T' to create a capital 'G'.

Stewart Gaylord knows what I'm talking about. I'm 30 now, and I still show people that if I'm pissed enough.
approved Aug 29 2006, submitted Aug 25 2006 by Berwick Smythe
Insult currently in use amongst 5-6 year olds. They simply like the sound of it, and are probably not even aware that it is a highly sophisticated conjunction of the words 'gay' and 'Flymo'.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
If only we had thought of calling Raymond Smardon this whilst in school, and not in a pub at the age of 19, it would have been far funnier and probably destroyed his life.
approved Mar 20 2003, submitted Feb 19 2003 by Name Withheld
Maybe he was a sexual revolutionary; maybe he was an early developer; maybe he was simply bereft of attention following his parents' acrimonious divorce: but whatever the reason, Bob Eccles (name slightly altered) decided that, in the second year, he was gay. However, such homosexual cliches as listening to Shirley Bassey or anal rape were too mundane for him: his sexuality manifested itself in a tendency to eat sweets that he'd found on the floor. As he became gayer, we'd throw sweets into muddy puddles and watch in amazement as the ginger-haired poof gobbled them up. The zenith of his bummery came when he ate a polo that'd been thrown into the urinal.
By the summer term he declared that he wasn't gay anymore. Indeed, he's married now, whereas I haven't had a sniff in years. Kids may be cruel, but time is crueller still.
approved Jan 21 2004, submitted Jan 16 2004 by p c
Oddly enough - maybe it's just us public school toffs - but being really gay seems to be the new thing these days. It started with pink shirts and hugging other guys and has now got to the stage where fake fellatio in the Common Room is considered an act of brotherly appreciation. Except by the headmaster, who was less than pleased to walk in just as Sam Thorpe was enthusiastically acting out swallowing.

Is it just the toffs that do this? I wonder if posh girls ever perform fake cunnilingus on each other? I offer up this possibility merely in a spirit of scientific curiosty, in case you were wondering. - Matt
approved Sep 28 2005, submitted Sep 28 2005 by Mr. X
Gerard Big Head had a big head. During a school trip to Chester Zoo he took his shoes and socks off and jumped in the carp pool to collect all the copper.
approved Dec 18 2003, submitted Nov 27 2003 by anonymous user
Aptly demonstrated by the wag who wrote "Parklands High School GCSE certificates" on the toilet paper dispenser.

Another good toilet wheeze, for those of you that haven't read those Nigel Rees books, is to write "Press here for a 30-second speech by the headmaster" on the electric hand drier. - Matt
approved Nov 11 2005, submitted Nov 10 2005 by Ralph Burkett
Cocknobbery! This was a sketch on Not the Nine O'Clock News. I believe it was Rowan Atkinson whose hand dryer spouted a Margaret Thatcher speech rather than the more literal hot air one would expect. Given that anyone old enough to have been writing on dryers before this sketch was first aired wouldn't have anything to do with, I am calling you on this one, "Matt", you unoriginal little bastard.
Two things, Barry Berndes.
1) It's a JOKE, you po-faced fuckstick. I first read it in a Nigel Rees Graffiti book. I was suggesting ways in which it could be adapted to the playground for those readers who are still at school and haven't descended into joyless cynicism like you.
2) Fuck off.
3) No, really. Fuck OFF, you hand-in-the-air dinner-miss-fetching keeno little cunt.

If anyone else wants to submit any more pedantic fuckwittery like Carl here, you have my permission to go and jump off a bridge. - Matt
approved Nov 21 2005, submitted Nov 20 2005 by Name Withheld
A simple way to draw attention to someone with greasy hair. Simply touch their hair while saying "geese!" in a stupid voice. Repeat. Occasionally you may want to fall over as if some of the grease has come off their hair and made you slip. Geese, as with all insults, is particularly effective and intimidating when a small gang surrounds the target. I have no idea why the letter r was taken out of the word grease.
approved Apr 30 2003, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dominic Sutton
"You're not allowed to be nasty to me," said nine-year-old Sylvia Page, "I'm related to the Queen."
"Everybody in the country's related to the Queen."
That was how she thought it worked: the first family of the country was, like, the FIRST family.
Mind you, if she'd tried that "Everybody's related to the Queen" in some other parts of Belfast at that point in the '70s, she'd have got what she richly deserved.
approved Feb 12 2003, submitted Jan 30 2003 by Roy Watson
A very difficult thing to achieve. In our mocks, a group of 12 to 15 people decided to have a competition to see who could get the lowest mark. This was not as easy as it sounds, as 70% of the 6 hours of exams were made up of about 300 multiple choice questions. So you had to be pretty bright to get *all* of them wrong. Only Bazaz proved to be that bright. In fact, he was the only one to do badly enough that the school was confident enough that he had done badly on purpose to be willing to not allow him to take the A-level. At one point during the exam we were asked to write an essay about how we would go about determining, by scientific means, the validity of the phrase 'Too many cooks spoil the broth'. He wrote a very detailed account of how he would take an enormous cauldron of boiling water and a large panel of testers who could grade a broth from 1 to 10. He would then add one cook to the boling water and stir him around, and then get all the tasters to taste the ensuing broth. The marks would be averaged. Another cook would be added every 5 minutes, with the mixture being judged after each addition. If at any point the resulting average mark was lower than before the latest addition, one would have proved conclusively that *at that point*, too many cooks had indeed spoiled the broth.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Marcus
Considered a way to impress mates. Take a new box of matches, light one and stick it back into the partially open box with the others. Quickly, step well back and hold breath in expectation of huge pyrotechnical display. Sigh, at the tiny puff of acrid smoke. Net result, a millisecond of crap entertainment and no matches left to light to light your fags. Friends gained: none.
approved Apr 1 2004, submitted Mar 20 2004 by Slab Ghost
With my trademark genie-us, I once hung a box of matches from a smoke alarm with blu-tac & thread and then genied it - the idea being that we'd get a break from PE and the evidence of my prank would burn itself away to nothing. (Like the man who hung himself by putting a noose around his neck and standing on a block of ice.)
The actual result was that (rather obviously, in hindsight) the thread caught fire, the genie burned a hole in the carpet and i got a bollocking.
approved Jul 12 2004, submitted Apr 8 2004 by dan upright
Similar to this, but called "Black Man's Willy":
Take two matches and push them into the end of a matchbox (one either side) so that their heads stick out. Wedge another match between them so that its head is touching one of the others. Like so.

Light it, and stand well back! No, further back than that! This is dangerous!
The wedged match will magically stand up, and blacken like a funny-faced brown's engorged member. Black Man's Willy - see?
Click here for a wee video clip of the Black Man's Willy in action.(.wmv, 300k)
approved Jul 12 2004, submitted Apr 15 2004 by Nick Hunt
The Dragon
Basically a genie, but one tears out a small square from the inner and outer parts to the matchbox on the side where the match heads sit. Then apply lit match in similar fashion to the genie but, and here is where the dragon becomes wildly more daring, stick the lit match through the little square hole. Result? A burst of directed flame almost exactly (un)like a burst of flame from a grumpy dragon's cave.
approved Sep 29 2004, submitted Apr 20 2004 by J Tapdancer
Friends carring matches in a trouser pocket provided the raw material for an invisible, yet more rewarding genie. Give them a good big kick in the match pocket, dragging your foot down on impact. There was a one in ten chance of a genie going off in the pocket, causing some "Jesus" and "fuck". If the genie didn't go off, at least you'd kicked someone.
Similarly, friends gained: none.
approved Jul 12 2004, submitted Apr 23 2004 by John Garner