The Law of the Playground
the letter g
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People never ceased to ask you, in more and more obscure terms, whether you had a penis or a vagina. The idea was to catch the person out, and then taunt them interminably until you thought of something more personal and embarrassing to ask them about. We soon moved on from Pencil/Sharpener to Spaceships/Space, and Lorries/Roads. It was a Christian school, they weren't about to inform us of how far out our ideas about genitalia were. Instead Mr. fucking savage would come and dance about like a moron with songs about the cool cat from Galilee every Wednesday.
approved Mar 24 2003, submitted Feb 18 2003 by Name Withheld
Correcting the biological ommissions in textbooks with the correct genetalia. Bonus points if the photograph allowed for acts of copulation or fellatio, or if someone was in the background with a surprised look on their face.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Walrus
i can't breathe Sadistic ritual in which a victim was selected, immobilized, and had his airways blocked until he went blue and his body lapsed into involuntary spasms. The frequency of these rituals is increased when a teacher informs the school in assembly that it could cause brain damage.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Stuii!
human torch When about 14 or 15, a handful of us grabbed this fat kid Peter Wall, pinned him down and poured lighter fluid all over him. We then proceeded to light matches over him and blow them out at the last minute. And throw lighters at him. And let him run for a bit, but because he was slightly over weight we could always catch him again. It wasn't really lighter fluid, it was just water, but we all got a letter off the head teacher saying Peter was afraid for his life. Tchch.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Luke Burrage
the typewriter Large kid pins down smaller kid and, in particular, pins the small kid's arms to the floor with his knees. Once in place the large kid stabs brutally on the chest of the small kid with his index fingers, as though "typing". Ever so often the larger kid could be heard to shout 'ting', and then slap the side of the prostrate kid's head as hard as he could (to mimic the old school lever-slap and carriage return).
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Daniel Buchan
the box The area at the end of a wooden prefab classroom which housed the electricity meters, about four feet square and three feet deep with wooden slated doors. At lunchtimes a small child was locked inside the box by sliding a stick through the handles. Afterwards, the stick was stored inside the box for later use. Several dozen 'classmates' would then spit through the gaps in the wooden slats. Attempts to get out of the box were akin to an enraged bear trying to get out of a cage, and most victims were generally reduced to tears after about 10 minutes. Some adopted a policy of no resistance but this largely resulted in them spending the rest of the lunch hour in there and emerging at the end, sometimes literally dripping with saliva. Particularly unpleasant during the winter months when colds were prevalent. see also kiddy in the middle
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
Nasal Daisy Chain. An actually-quite-cute-sort-of torture. When we were about 10 our group of friends took to the summertime habit of chasing our friend (a very good friend actually, why did we do it?) John Caulfield round the school field. Once pinned down we would stick a lot of daisies up his nose and in his ears, seeing if we could get more in than last time.
Sorry John.
approved Mar 13 2003, submitted Jan 22 2003 by James Tann
Salt'n'Shake Crisps. The victim would be held down and forced to admit they were gay. Whatever the response, the little sachet of salt would be emptied into their mouth. Quite right too.

At first glance, this might seem a less painful act of torture than the other entries for this subject. However, if one considers the pain experienced by regular recipients of this punishment in later years, due to heart attacks, strokes, osteroperosis, gastric cancer and other ailments brought on by an excessive salt intake, it can be seen to be particularly vindictive, cruel and cleverly planned with an eye for the long haul.
approved May 14 2005, submitted May 11 2005 by anonymous user, Matt Fasham
James McNair knew he could go blind if he attempted to wipe off the Vicks Vapor Rub that we had applied generously undeneath his eyes. So we watched him suffer the 45 minute bus ride home, drowning in his own tears.
James immediately sought medical attention, however and the local GP saved the day with a wet cloth.
Never rub Vicks in people's eyes. Always read the label.
approved Jun 21 2005, submitted Jun 16 2005 by Dave Horse
Petrol pumping was a particularly vicious act which involved pinning a child down, kneeling on their bicep and pumping their forearm up and down. This caused the bicep to move around under the knee grinding it into a pulp that would throb and remain utterly useless for about two days. Occasionally a double petrol pumping took place which left the victim flailing on the floor unable to use their arms to pick themself up.
approved Jun 22 2005, submitted Jun 21 2005 by Andrew Hancox
Readers! An intriguing conundrum for you now. Two wholly unrelated submissions landed with a 'whump' recently, both bearing the title 'Geordie Racer'. So, was Geordie Racer a short-lived kids drama, or a crap computer game? Or possibly even both? Answers on the back of a pack of Sovereigns to the usual address. Firstly, from Anna Williams:
At primary school in the late eighties, bored children were forced to watch a drama series about a geordie kid and his prized pigeon, 'Blue flash'. No-one I've spoken to can remember the plot, but it caused my entire class to shriek "Blue flash!" in a falsetto geordie accent every time they saw a bird zoom across the playground.
And an alternate theory from the imaginatively-monikered Mary Woozley:
A shitty computer game, which required you to choose one of three pigeons, and then come up with as many words as possible using the letters in said pigeon's name. However, the sheer rubbishness of the game meant that it would accept almost any combination of letters, provided the pigeon's name had them all. Naturally, everybody chose the pigeon Bonny, and typed in 'nob'.
approved Sep 25 2006, submitted Jul 17 2006 by Mary Woozley, Anna Williams
I don't remember much about the plot, either, apart from one scene in the first episode where 'egg' was mis-spelled 'eeg' in an ad in a local newsagent's window.
approved Oct 23 2007, submitted Oct 1 2006 by Neal Vomit
Ms Williams and Ms Woozley are both correct. Geordie Racer was one of the classic stories in the "Look and Read" series. The genius BBC marketing department obviously saw the opportunities in the TV/gaming tie-in and developed a rubbish 4-colour blocky graphics spin-off game for the BBC computer.

The game can be downloaded here, along with other big name titles such as Suburban Fox and Martello Tower. No sign of Granny's Garden, unfortunately.

approved Oct 23 2007, submitted Oct 4 2006 by anonymous user
Our teacher once spent a whole morning on April Fool's Day teaching us about Scottish haggis. Haggis were small animals that lived in the Highlands and were caught, to be eaten, by men who had one leg shorter than the other - the difference making it easier for them to chase the haggises around hills (though only in one direction).
How the teacher must have laughed and revelled in her superior intelligence as a class full of half-listening six year-olds fell for her crafty gag. Stupid bitch.
approved Dec 12 2003, submitted Nov 14 2003 by Peter Yexley
The name by which Helen Day knew Tim Baggott for her first six months at school (she joined in the fifth year). Despite everybody else calling him Tim, she stood by this belief and the further assertion that Tim's dad had made millions as a biscuit designer (the Rich Tea and Bourbon Creme being his greatest achievements).
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Mar 28 2003 by Dr Ringpiece
On the subject of convincing the gullible of untrue things, a mate of mine once convinced another kid that his uncle was the hand inside Edd The Duck. Also, that the reason he had slightly slanty eyes was because he was born while his parents were on a walking tour of China. However, I can't really gloat because I was once convinced by my sister that she was the girl on the BBC test card playing noughts and crosses. And I believed for a whole term that Howard Maxwell's middle name was Oermantrudie. It was actually Oakley.
approved Jul 28 2003, submitted Jul 18 2003 by Mr Disco
I fell for a similar thing, only sort of reversed. When I was a wee thing, my family had a record of songs from Disney's Jungle Book. On the front cover there was a photo of a boy about my age, reading the book in question, surrounded by loads of stuffed Disney toys. All my relatives (especially dotty old aunts) used to think I was a cute little thing and would point to the picture on the front of this record, and say "ooh, look, that's you there! Yes, it is! Oh yes, that's you" etc. I swear I used to sit for hours staring at this photo, utterly convinced it was in fact me, racking my brains trying to remember having this photo taken...
approved Jul 29 2003, submitted Jul 29 2003 by Ivan Vasiilevich
A lad in my secondary school firmly believed that without my specs I could only see in black & white. Falling for this at 12 is one thing. Still believing it at 16 is quite another.
approved Aug 14 2003, submitted Aug 12 2003 by Ian Cooper
When the French exchange students were over, we told our class dunce that "fromage frais" was a cool way to say "Hi, howya doin'?"
Imagining him in shades, snapping his fingers like the Fonz, and saying "heeeeeeey... fromage frais..." was strangely satisfying.
approved Sep 11 2003, submitted Aug 22 2003 by Andy Mansh
If you're going to tell lies, at least have some consistency; a girl in our school would tell people that her uncle was Mr Soft off the mints advert, then get confused and tell another group that her cousin was Mr Soft off the mints advert.
Christmas must have been mental, with loads of wibbly-wobbly relatives walking into stuff.
(One of MY best lies was when I told Nadia in my form that the redness in her eye was caused by a clitoris, resulting in her getting grounded by her mum for screaming "there's a clitoris in my eye").
approved Oct 6 2004, submitted Jan 26 2004 by Name Withheld
Oh man, Ivan's message reminded my of a famous picture I was in when I was a kid (or so I thought). I had a little badge of Drew Barrymore in ET wearing this stripy skivvy/turtleneck top, of which I happened to own one which was almost identical. I was about the same age as her at the time I owned it, and was utterly convinced it was me... and that somehow I'd met ET, had a photo taken and then completely forgotten about it.
Well, that sort of stuff happens when you meet aliens, doesn't it? They take your memories.
approved Sep 30 2004, submitted Mar 22 2004 by Bek G
Basically myself and one other friend decided to let our gerbils out to play on the playground, but in order to stop them running away we sat on the ground with our legs apart, facing each other so that our feet touched, effectively forming a leg-barrier between the gerbils and the outside world. Being a tomboy I wore trousers all the time, and you could have knocked me down with a feather when one day a gerbil decided to investigate my trouser leg and ran all the way up to my crotch and back down the other leg. I giggled insanely because it tickled, but soon discovered that I enjoyed the sensation of a warm, furry creature tickling my inner thigh and myself and my friend (also female) began to encourage the wee creatures to do so more often. We were so innocent. I actually can't believe how incredibly dodgy it now sounds. Does this make me gay? Did anyone else do the most horrifically perverse things because it tickled?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Katy Darby
Me and a friend got N64s for Christmas (complete with rumble paks) and spent a day charging our Diddy Kong racing karts into walls, with our controllers resting gently against the crotch. This was also completely innocent and not gay. Of course, this was back in the day when Mario and Luigi were just good friends and their moustaches were mere symbols of good, honest pluck - not the bumrimming arsecowboys we are wrongly led to perceive them as today.
approved Apr 7 2006, submitted Mar 29 2006 by Scott Douglas
One day Tez came into school with a rhyme his mate from another school taught him:

In the German nick
They hang you by your dick
And the bats play snooker with your balls.
Then your mind goes blank
And you're dying for a wank
And the cum goes shooting up the walls.

This rhyme proved to be so popular that by the end of the first lesson, the whole class were singing it. The only problem was, I didn't actually know what cum was. Eventually I asked Tez who laughed in my face and told the rest of the class who also all laughed at me. I still reckon none of them knew what it was either. Bastards.
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Aug 10 2006 by anonymous user
Whilst innocently measuring the circumference of the playground with a pedometer, a friend and I were approached by an elderly couple who announced that they were German Terrorists in need of directions to the centre of the village. Despite a lack of formal anti-terrorist training we managed to direct the couple to a fenced-in path running alongside the playground, where we pelted them with stones, causing them to run until the man hurt his leg.
approved Jul 23 2003, submitted Jul 22 2003 by john cannings
Are you sure they weren't actually 'tourists' which sounded like 'terrorists' because of their accents? Second thoughts; they were German, and probably shagged each other's poo or something, and probably deserved it.

Oh yes! 'Tourists' would sound a bit like 'terrorists' with a German accent, wouldn't it, Nossidge Man! I suspect that could well have been the source of the confusion! Thanks for pointing that out!

Tune in next week when Nossidge Man explains that "what do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo - a woolly jumper" is funny because sheep have wool and kangaroos can jump.

For fuck's sake. - Phil
approved Apr 17 2005, submitted Jan 13 2005 by Nossidge Man
Aptly named hiding game in which girls hid from the boys under the pretence of secreting their jewels, only to be found, wrestled to the ground and groped. Unless they were ugly, in which case aforesaid groping took place out of sight.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by A
Used as a way of protecting yourself from girl germs, boy germs, David germs, etc. Simply clutch the area that comes into contact with a boy, girl, or David, and shout germlock!.
Leave it too late and you might accidentally lock the germs into the affected area, so be careful.
approved Dec 12 2003, submitted Dec 6 2003 by anonymous user
Gerrunder - a regional pronunciation of "get under", as shouted by Pamela Tatler throughout her entire fourth year.
She once made a teacher so frustrated by her persistent one-word outbursts that he picked up her, her chair and her desk in one scooping movement, and put her outside the class.
After he deposited her outside the door and returned to the class, everyone went quiet. The calm was punctuated by a plaintive question from outside;
This was an innovation; she'd never punctuated her gerrunders before, and a new range of Gerrunder Moods was born.
approved Aug 23 2005, submitted Apr 18 2004 by anonymous user
A : Have you heard the gestapo joke?
b : No...
(A slaps B hard around the around the face and shouts in a comedy Nazi accent)
A : Liar!
If the question is answered with a weary "Yes", then slap them and call them a liar anyway; disorientation is a perfectly valid method of interrogation.
approved Apr 15 2004, submitted Jan 5 2004 by anonymous user
After reading this joke and finding it to my great liking, I told it to my mum in a Little Chef.
I didn't slap her, but I did shout 'LIAR!' in a very authentic manner. A family were walking past our table on their way out as I said it, and they all jumped. They must have thought it was a Nazi domestic.
approved Nov 12 2004, submitted Oct 15 2004 by Name Withheld
Get down on it. Suck my helmet. Please don't bite it. Just excite it. Get your lipstick. Round my dipstick.. It just ends there. It feels like it shouldn't, but it does.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Angel Victorio
Getting a legger involved a group of you standing a small distance (no more than 15-20 metres) from a group of "older boys" who were busy doing something else (usually playing football), and hurling abuse at them in order to provoke them into chasing you (obviously with the intention of beating you senseless). You then all just had to run like fuck and get away.

The older boys didn't know what the fuck we were doing or why and I don't think we did either.
approved Mar 10 2003, submitted Mar 4 2003 by Rob Norton
Monumentally stupid game, annoyingly however I lost the rules. It involved asking older kids to beat you up until they did, though.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Darren Cullen
There were no rules to getting a chase, you just had to find someone who was capable of beating the shit out of you and goad them into trying to do just that - for example, calling a group of older boys poofs, throwing stones at passing lorries and, on one inspired occasion, going into a farmer's field and punching the cows.
approved Mar 1 2003, submitted Mar 1 2003 by dan upright
The ingenious practice of insulting people inaccurately. The insultee will invariably correct the insult, thus confirming and accepting it.

Person A: "You're a fuckwick"
Person B: "You mean I'm a fuckWIT"
Person A: "Yeah, you are"

Hilarity will, inevitably, ensue.
approved Jul 11 2003, submitted Jul 11 2003 by Rob Young
A peculiar fashion that developed toward the end of fourth year, this was the height of daring, although as most of the time was spent sitting down it wasn't too difficult. When you were stood up there were always people in front of you to hide you. Four or five of us did it once but we had to stop because we were making some others giggle insanely. Tom Baird once walked out to the front of Modern Studies and stood smiling at the teacher with his cock out. The teacher only looked mildly disgruntled so eventually Baird just wandered out of the room, still swinging free.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 8 2003 by Name Withheld
We had a series of English textbooks called 'Hedgehogs'.
When our supply teacher asked us to 'get your Hedgehogs out', James did and showed it to her. In turn, he was shown the door by the head.
approved Jul 7 2005, submitted Jun 22 2005 by Pat Porter
Pronounced gugunubuh - stands for 'gay ginger nature boy'. Applies to anyone attempting to sing back to some birds, if they are ginger. In particular, my brother.
approved Feb 4 2003, submitted Feb 2 2003 by Ben Lancaster
In our primary school we formed 'The Ghost Gang' based on our suspicions that the school was haunted. In reality we were more like the SS than the Ghostbusters because our only purpose was to kick the shit out of diabetics, vegetarians and asthmatics.
approved Feb 22 2003, submitted Feb 6 2003 by Richard Jackson