The Law of the Playground
the letter g
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One of the worst fates to befall victims of our playground was to be brought before the 'big cock', which was large and hairy and drawn on the ceiling of the bike shelter.

Victims would be chosen at random and dragged under the cock, where the ringleader would pretend to turn the cock on with a tap.

The victim would then be shunned for the rest of the day because they shower under big cocks.

So, let's get this straight. This was one of the "worst fates" that could befall pupils at your school? They got drenched in imaginary wee and experienced mild ostracism for a day? They felt no pain. No traumatic experiences that take half a lifetime to recover from. Did you go to the Nice Person's School by any chance? - Matt
approved Jan 2 2006, submitted Dec 16 2005 by Barry Greenaway
Timothy Goodchild was one of life's unfortunates... at a school where looks, class and money were prized above all else, Goodchild was doomed to failure. Possessed of a ridiculously bulbous pair of cheeks (complete with broken capillaries), NHS glasses, basin hair, constant snot trail and Clarkes Big Gripper shoes this was a man with nothing going for him.

To say he got abuse is to put it mildly... the highlight of any schoolday was baiting Goodchild in the build-up to break time. By turns abusing him for being a gay spaz and then cajoling him with friendly pleas for a game of Goodie's Revenge.

By the time we got outside he would be insensible with rage and bewilderment; wondering why people acting as his friends could be so cruel within the space of a heartbeat.

The game consisted of Goodchild standing in the middle of a circle of his classmates chanting "Goo-die, Goo-die" while he held one fist up to his left eye. With his other hand he made a winding motion by his right ear as though he was looking through some giant wind-up telescope.

As he wound he made a screaming, claxon-like noise, rising in pitch steadily. At a certain moment when he his inner-anger had become too much and his voice could go no higher he would burst, red-faced into the throng flailing his arms in a mad (and quite genuine) benny.

At this point the crowd would scatter and Goodchild would chase about the woods after us for the whole break, often heavily wounded from the sticks, half house-bricks and other rubble that we would throw at him in a bid to escape.

After Goodchild admitted that he had Frenchied his sister in a suicidal bid to garner favour amongst the cool guys who could "get-off" with girls, these games only became more vicious. Afterall, being a total spacker was one thing but tapping off with your sibling was one step away from saying that you had sucked your own dad's dick.
approved Apr 19 2005, submitted Nov 29 2004 by Jim Stevenson
Any two big-teethed individuals who are stupid enough to hang around together, or even be seen together at any point. Named after the mildly popular Disney cartoon series.
A useful message therefore for people who are different. Try not to find someone who is different in the same way as yourself. Try to get a gang with a fat one, a clever one, a spotty one. Then ride around on mini-scooters and solve mysteries.
approved May 13 2003, submitted Dec 22 2002 by Buttocks Sweeting, Jon Blyth
This was the name I unwittingly coined for a kind of prototype Nesquik pink milkshake which was occasionally foisted on us at primary school in place of a proper pudding. As we all suspiciously sniffed and sipped it upon its debut appearance, I declared that it tasted like goose milk - my uncle was a farmer so everyone reckoned I must be an expert in such matters. This scandal soon reached the ears of Alison Beaumont's mum, a renowned busybody who promptly wrote to the headmistress to point out that goose milk was no fit beverage for growing children.
approved Oct 1 2003, submitted Sep 30 2003 by Name Withheld
One girl in my class was convinced the school milk came from rabbits. How the hell she thought you'd fit a milking machine on tiny little rabbit baps I have no idea.

My brother used to put pink food colouring (not Nesquik or anything cool, just dye) in milk and call it dragon's milk. Why he didn't get beaten up more often I have no idea either.
approved Aug 16 2006, submitted Aug 15 2006 by Name Withheld
The roots of the taunt lay in a broken Gorf machine 'down the arcade', which slurred "ZZspace Caaadet Gorrrfffffvvvaaaarrrgennn". A hateful hop, a sneerful skip and an unjustified jump later and our hare lip kid had a new name. He also answered (after two laps of the playground) to the names Davros, Chewie, John Merrick and Ben Leper.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Adam Tucker
A bored art class, teacher gone, a wide selection of other students' ceramic work scattered around, a bowl full of extremely tough gourds (squash-like fruit) and one hyper-active pupil. Result: complete carnage.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dave Mac
Technically, this is a compliment. Although it is difficult to deny that there was a secondary intent to shock.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nathan Dalgarno
The legend Mrs Burns needs to iron her clothes, hastily sprayed on a canteen wall exterior, is surely a nominee for the crappest piece of graffiti ever.

Over to you, readers.
approved Jan 19 2008, submitted Jul 25 2006 by Mark Hildore
Written on a toilet wall at school was the legend "Dai Cooney hates hard work". It was only some time later did we realise that he'd probably written it himself.
approved May 9 2012, submitted Apr 30 2012 by anonymous user
Really unkind nickname given by the gentlemen of the 4th year to a classmate whose only misfortune was that his gran had just died.
approved Aug 5 2005, submitted Aug 3 2005 by Tony Green
Nickname of the school slapper - she had ten thousand men.
approved Jan 24 2003, submitted Jan 18 2003 by RL M
Also consider saying that the year slag has had "more helmets than Hitler" and "more pricks than a cactus". Not that Hitler had helmets, as such. And cacti don't really have pricks, come to think of it.
Anyway, to imply she's a whore, try "she's sold more shags than Carpet City".
approved Jul 10 2004, submitted Apr 13 2004 by Dan Smith
Vicki Caunt was known as 'The Windmill' because of the sackfuls of wild oats that she'd allegedly had.
- and then ground into flour inside her big hussy fanny by flailing her arms around in the wind. I suppose.
approved May 3 2005, submitted Apr 28 2005 by Name Withheld
Need I point out that Vicki Caunt becomes Vicki Cunt with a simple adjustment? What were you thinking when you came up with "The Windmill"?..DUHHH
Maybe it was a drama school. They like pretending to be trees and windmills and stuff. Grotbags from Emu's World lived in a windmill and she was a witch. Or was it the other one with the duck? - Ponky
approved May 12 2005, submitted May 10 2005 by Darren Barratt
A group of us used to run around with jumpers on our heads shouting "we are the granny bashers". We never once touched a granny, although I now wish I had - older woman syndrome, I think.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Scott Williams
The first speech simulation on a computer I ever heard, and I was amazed that beeps and tones could be bent into human voice. The game was Ghostbusters, although I can't remember whether it was on the Spectrum or the C64. A cacky sub-MIDI-synth style rendition of Ray Parker Jr's hit piped through your TV, and you got to join in by pressing the space bar (oh, hang on - Space Bar - must have been a C64) to make the computer say "Ghostbusters!" at the relevant moments. Only thing is, it sounded much more like "Granny Busters" than Ghostbusters. Which is going some, plucking a syllable from nowhere like that. Still. I tried to make Granny Busters catch on, but no-one listened to me. Sad little shit.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
We had a similar gang which purported to go out beating up grannies, which none of us actually did. Which led to the formation of the ill-fated two piece rock group Granny Initiative. We recorded a demo and sent it off to EMI, but amazingly they weren't blown away by our covers of Imagine and Jealous Guy, for which we put pillows over the speakers of my stereo (to muffle the vocals), while I sang over the top and the other member played drums. We were 8.
approved Oct 24 2003, submitted Oct 24 2003 by Chris Toffer
"Ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner NER ner,
ner ner ner ner NER ner,
ner ne ner ne nernenernener..."
Exciting, futuristic BBC computer game which put you in first person mode to do stuff like feed 4 dragons, one of whom wouldn't eat doughnuts, one of whom had to have an apple, that sort of thing. Can't remember much else about it, other than;
a)anything on the computer was brilliant and therefore GG must have been brilliant
b)the ear-fuckingly loud music (see above) that indicated that some arse-licker was getting a go on the computer while you were still reading The Village With Three Fucking Corners.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 13 2002 by Susan Tobacco
Dread Dragon Droom, in which a capitalist bastard of a wizard invited you in for cakes and then demanded gold, was another BBC educational classic. A thrilling and absorbing game, combining vivid graphics with terrifying sound effects.

Inexplicably, when I downloaded it from the Internet the other day it was crap, blocky, and annoying.

All educational games began by asking you your name, which was obviously open to abuse.

"What do you want to do now, Fuck?"
> yes please


approved Jan 23 2003, submitted Dec 21 2002 by Paul Equinox Collins
Also featured a section where you were looking at a house with the word FIG painted on the side of it. Gameplay was as follows:

There is a secret word on the house. Do you know what it is?

> Knob

No, that's not it.

> Cock

No, the word is on the house in big blue letters.

> Shit

No, the word is FIG.

> Bum

No, the word is FIG.

And so forth ad infinitum.

There's so much more that was wrong with this game. It could be a page all of its own.
approved Jan 6 2003, submitted Jan 1 2003 by Phil Catterall
'There is a man with a triangle on his head with the number 2 on it. What's the password?'
It was 2.
approved Jan 31 2003, submitted Jan 20 2003 by D B
"Can you see a cave?"

> no.

"Yes you can. Do you want to go into the cave?"

> No.

"Yes you do."

A triumph of interactivity. Oh, and the final stage had a map where certain paths caused death for no apparent reason.
approved Feb 12 2003, submitted Feb 4 2003 by Phil Catterall
A computer character also existed called 'POB', who would obey basic verbs; he could jump, smile and so forth. However, he seemed ever reluctant to eat my shit.
approved Mar 1 2003, submitted Feb 8 2003 by anonymous user
approved Mar 1 2003, submitted Feb 28 2003 by Phil Catterall
I was the sad child who dilligently worked out the order in which to feed the dragons to beat the puzzle in the fewest number of moves. I still remember it today: Buns, Lollies, Oranges, Chocolate (or BLOC). You may commence the wedgies.
approved Apr 16 2005, submitted Apr 12 2003 by Rob McMeekin
It was Podd - not Pob. Pob was a totally gay puppet-like retard that was on Channel 4 at some ungodly hour on a Sunday morning. Who used to spit on the screen and write his name on it. Fact.

Podd, and of this fact I am convinced, was a complete bender, and a irrefutable dicksplash (qv). Try Podd can "explode". Twice. Then hit "Break", bung Chuckie Egg or Elite in your Cumana disk drive, and play all night, pausing only to burn the disk with "Podd" on it.
approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Sep 17 2003 by Matt Forbes
The order for the dragon's food was BLOC, or Buns, Lollies, Oranges, Crisps.

I'll remember that acronym till the day that I die.
approved Dec 10 2003, submitted Nov 10 2003 by Ed Armitage
Derived from Lenny Henry's impersonation of David Bellamy. Obviously, when he said "grapple my grapenuts", he was trying to make it sound like it meant "twist my bollocks". Our school put the translation into painful practice. Whilst twisting the victims bollocks, the attacker would say "ooh, grapple my grapenuts". Quite disarming.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Blacky
This was for girls only...unless you were Michael. He used to only play with girls, play netball, and skip too.
Whenever the grass was cut on the field hoards of girls of every age would get together to build flat houses out of the grass. I never really understood why building a maze of 10cm walls was so exciting. Maybe it was something to do with about 50 girls and Michael sitting in the middle of the football pitch, trying to make a house while it got broken by the football.
approved Oct 24 2003, submitted Oct 23 2003 by Nic Peters
The sound of a Renault 5 being put into reverse by a wig wearing chemistry teacher. The Graunch attracted an ever growing number of spectators who would eagerly await the arrival of said toupeed teacher and the grinding of his gears. The gleeful howls of derision would provoke a satisfying glare of impotent rage from Mr Wiggy as he scuttled off to the staffroom to begin another grimy day of thankless, soul destroying ineptitude.
approved Feb 15 2005, submitted Nov 13 2004 by Duncan Thatcher
The sadistic sport for the lazy. When the entire playground became devoted to the game british bulldog, my friends and I would position ourselves where all the other kids were running left and right in front of us- at which point we would throw our bags at their feet. The resulting melee would be judged on its own artistic merit (although drawing blood would almost guarantee a win). If someone did jump out the way or avoid a fall they would normally be chased and pushed over anyway.
approved Feb 16 2004, submitted Jan 28 2004 by not John Spencer
Physics teacher seating Luke Smith on a bench, then clambering onto his desk and hurling down the biggest fucking book he could find. Thus gravity is demonstrated.
approved Mar 19 2003, submitted Mar 19 2003 by Nath Dogg
Mr Prothroe (who bore a startling resemblence to Nintendo's Mario) would conduct a physics class offering a combination of both science AND eye-opening anatomy. He would explain the theory of drag/wind resistance via a blackboard diagram consisting of a rather well endowed woman at the top of a diving board, succumbing, by the forces of drag etc, to the loss of her swimming costume as she fell faster towards the water. Each stage of cozzie loss was drawn with the precision of an anatomy textbook, Mr Protheroe's tongue peeping out through concentration as he did it.
Looking back, this could have been a stroke of genius from a master educator, knowing that the only thing that interests 13 year old boys, is naked ladies.
Saying that, he also used to tell us about how his dates would go on a friday night in rather more detail than we'd have liked. Obviously a 60 year old man who bears a striking resemblence to a certain italian plumber can get a lot of action over Merthyr way... *shudders*
approved May 22 2005, submitted May 21 2005 by Josh Gardner
I'm Luke Smith, and I don't remember this.

Well, that could be due to either a) the impact of the book leaving you with brain damage, or b) you being A DIFFERENT LUKE SMITH. If any other readers are called Luke Smith, but don't remember this either, please don't bother to let us know. - Matt
approved Jan 19 2008, submitted Mar 1 2006 by Luke Smith
Dinner ladies. Use of this name increases in direct proportion to the number of speeches made by the headmaster about how we should respect dinner ladies.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 9 2003 by Name Withheld
An amazing power trip game. The rules were simple, I would sit cross legged on the grass waving a twig around while my huge overweight followers would ask "What is your will Great Sage?" Usually my will involved beating up smaller followers, although occasionally I would send one of my followers to buy me a can of Coke. Looking back it is quite disturbing to think I derived so much pleasure from sitting back watching kids beaten up purely because I had asked for it to be done. Mind, this is probably the only real power I ever had, and I doubt whether I will experience it's like again.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dominic Sutton