The Law of the Playground
the letter h
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Child A: Have you ever been caught... secretly sniffing your mother's underpants?
Child B: Yes. (rarely said)
Child B: No.
Child A: You must be good at it then.
Replace sniffing your mother's underpants with sticking a dildo up your arse or sucking a dog's cock to taste.
approved Dec 12 2003, submitted Nov 23 2003 by Name Withheld
Oh, yes, thank you. Geordie Boy submitted this one, and it made me remember that I was actually bullied, before I had a "spurt" which sent me to 6 foot at 13. I really thought I'd been popular all my life, and irresistably loveable, when in fact, for a substantial part of my life, I was just an obnoxious jumped-up shit. James Pates was my bully's name! He punched me in the face, and I was too stupid or stubborn to realise I was walking around with blood pouring out of my nose! The year after, I kneed him in the bollocks and then spent the next month convinced I was going to go to prison!
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Geordie Boy
At assembly, we used to sing the song 'He's got the whole world in his hands'. This would infuriate the piano player, who would slam the piano lid shut and scream "it's HAND, damn it, he's got the whole world in his HAND". Which obviously invited the question "well what's he doing with the other one, miss?".
I think she just hated plurals, because she went even more mental when she did the same thing to Would you cross over the other side, if someone called for aid.
approved Oct 11 2004, submitted Mar 31 2004 by Name Withheld
During our rendition of "Go Tell In On The Mountain", our piano-playing teacher slammed down the piano lid and threw a massive spac at the class. The reason?
We were pronouncing the last syllable of mountain "tin", and not, as she insisted, "tayne". Our response to her fury was to laugh, as one, in her face.
The issue was only resolved when the deputy headteacher suggested the compromise of "tun", which everyone agreed, between bursts of laughter, was incredibly reasonable.
approved Nov 29 2005, submitted Aug 25 2005 by Tim Hughes
Miss Clarke was a music teacher at my old school in Central Scotland. Her taste in clothes (black mini skirts, tight black sweaters, knee length boots) and her reputation for seducing 6th years SHOULD have ensured her popularity, but she was highly strung and somewhat given to random bouts of corporal punishment (yes, I AM that old, thank you very much).
Music lessons with her usually consisted of us singing quasi-folk tunes to her piano accompaniment. One classic was Westering Home, the first stanza of which song runs as follows:

Westering home with a song in the air,
Light in the eye and its goodbye to care.

Naturally, the entire class bellowed out "SHITE!" instead of "light", precipitating the biggest piano-lid-slamming, spittle-flecked screaming session the world has ever witnessed.
approved Jan 19 2008, submitted Dec 7 2005 by Gus Glen
Exceptionally large holdalls manufactured by Head were briefly fashionable in the late 1980s and early 1990s. From their "classic" look - a base blue colour with red lettering - the bags became so popular that they started making pink ones for girls and fluorescent ones for wankers.

The inside of a Head bag was so vast that nobody could hope to fill it with legitimate school supplies, but was the perfect size for us to incarcerate any first year pupil who happened to own one of the bags. A twist of a paperclip would lock the zip, and a good kicking would be applied for luck. After lunch it was common to see at least one squirming mound of lurid PVC in the middle of the playground.
approved Dec 19 2002, submitted Dec 18 2002 by s field
I have to admit to getting one of these about two weeks after they went out of style. What's worse, my mom bought it for me. And she deliberately chose one sporting the school colours.
approved Dec 19 2002, submitted Dec 19 2002 by Phil Glansvile
The headmaster of my school, for reasons known only to himself, agreed to appear on a local radio phone-in one Sunday evening. Word had got around, so much so that almost the entire program was taken up of items like this:

Host: Our next caller is a Mr. Madeupname, of Kenilworth. Mr Madeupname do you have a question for Mr. Strover?
Caller: Fu... *cut off*
Host: Oh, that's just silly. Our next caller is a Mr. Obvious Pseudonym from Warwick. Mr Pseudonym?
Caller: Bas.. *cut off*

And repeat.

The only pupil who managed to get through was some utter keeno who had a real, and indescribably dull, question to do with school funding.
approved Feb 19 2006, submitted Feb 6 2006 by Deacon Gusset
At the tender age of 11 several guys in my year decided that I was shagging the headmistress and so taunted me accordingly. I tried pointing out that if it were true then I had developed much more rapidly than them and subsequently should be looked up to. I got punched.
approved Dec 23 2002, submitted Dec 17 2002 by Paul Cheese
When a stray rugby ball is kicked towards an unwitting victim, it is considered good manners to shout "Heads!" to warn them. The natural response, rather than covering the head, is to look up towards the oncoming missile, resulting in a comical face/ball interaction and many tears.

Matt, who kicked for the first 15, had honed his skills to the point where he could place a ball into a crowd with unerring accuracy. He also perfected the timing of the cry of "Heads!" so that people would look up at the exact moment of impact.
approved Jul 2 2005, submitted Jun 29 2005 by The Boy Tucker
The practice of putting one's bag on the floor in the chemistry or biology labs, generally anywhere where there is potential danger. Someone would then be required to do a comedy trip over said bag whilst screaming "health hazard" in an attempt to get the bag removed. Practice was stopped when one comedy faller knocked loads of test tubes over and fell on them, cutting his hands to ribbons.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Mar 18 2003 by Nath Dogg
Another way of capitalising on the embarrassment of your victim. Whenever they lose an argument, get angry, or are otherwise shamed, simply hold your hands to their sizzling face and sing Glenn Frey's The Heat Is On. The repetetive lyrics were perfect for this kind of bullying;
Oh-wo-ho, oh-wo-ho
(Tell me can you feel it)
(Tell me can you feel it)
(Tell me can you feel it)
The heat is on, the heat is on,
the heat is on, the heat is on.
Oh it's on the street, the heat is - on.
If the victim gets even more upset, reassure him by singing that "ridicule is nothing to be scared of".
approved Oct 19 2004, submitted Oct 18 2004 by sparky ...
Coined by the headteacher, who found it incredibly difficult to actually engage the pupils in conversation. When walking into a room and being confronted by pupils behaving suspiciously, he uttered 'It smells hot in here' and exited the room. Was adopted by the pupils to determine temperature in the absence of, or in spite of the presence of, a thermometer.
approved Mar 20 2003, submitted Feb 12 2003 by Garry Shocking
A variation on beats. A comb, usually plastic, would be heated with a lighter and then combed through the victims hair, who would have a burnt scalp and crappy lumps of melted plastic stuck in his hair.
approved Apr 18 2003, submitted Apr 16 2003 by griff .
Me and Jamie Hepworth would put our forheads together and stare untill the other persons eyeballs started to bleed together, so it looks like one eye. At this magical moment we would shout the word "Hebrew" at the tops of our voices.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Wilster
Garden hopping to some. Had a Grand National which lasted over a mile and took retribution on posh kids in big detatched houses. Climbing each fence and hedge was exhausting especially with grown men occassionally in pursuit. Always liked the water hazzards as difficult to see them on other side of fence. Mate broke his leg when he fell into one and, unlike war films, we did leave him, it was better that way. There was also a flat course called the Derby over rows of terraced housing back yards that a competing school used but clearly missed the point of both amusement and class action.
approved May 2 2003, submitted Apr 1 2003 by anonymous user
An early example of viral marketing. The people behind Hedgehog crisps, it was rumoured, used real hedgehogs to flavour their snacks. The age-old "well they do taste like chicken when cooked" excuse can be used when sampling a bag of the roast chicken crisps, though this will not get you very far when attempting to explain the distinct lack of hedgehog flavour in the salt and vinegar variety.
approved May 12 2005, submitted May 12 2005 by anonymous user, Phil Glansvile
Our headmaster, Mr. King, was a keen naturalist, and used to give assemblies using his little Sylvanian Families hedgehogs. He had the whole family. He made them speak. He did all the voices. I think he was mad. Or a paedophile. Or both.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely
Possibly the first game I ever played. It is named after the noise made when an unsuspecting child puts cellophane packing up their nose, but hasn't learnt to breathe through their mouth yet. In fact, that's exactly what it is. Can be used as punishment for having new shoes.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by A
The telling of a short story in which the final words will have an amusing double meaning. Original example: A man saw a boy sitting on a wall licking his maths kit. He asked his mum what he was doing and she said "Oh, that's just my son - Helix Protractors!". Most convoluted example involved a boy named Spag, who wouldn't play a game correctly. His friend petitioned him to "be a sport, Spag." At this point the storyteller will point to someone's sports bag, which has the words "SPORTS BAG" on it.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nick Dimmock
Harmless long-term infuriating fun. A greeting towards anyone with a colour-based surname, but more specifically, to Keith Brown. The full format is "Hello Brown, you're looking very (pick colour of the day, ie Maroon) today." After around a year, the colours will become more elaborate (coffee infused taupe), if you wish to avoid repeating yourself. Not being really insulting, this usually elicits a wise and world-weary sigh, which was insufferable enough to make you want to do it again the next day.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dean A
Hello Jack! How's your back?
Havent seen you for ears and ears!
But I still nose ya!
Are you still collecting stamps?
I'm still collecting balls!

Whilst reciting these words, deal a very hard slap on the back, twist both ear, pull his nose, stamp on his feet, and finally kick him in the balls.
Your victim will stand still during this entire charade, waiting patiently to tell you his name isn't Jack, and that you're severely assaulting the wrong person.
approved Nov 16 2004, submitted Nov 11 2004 by gurnsey catchpole
Mr. Tucker was an excellent teacher, he did kung-fu moves around the science lab and waved his hands through flame-on bunsen burners. Which is why I can't figure out why he made the whole science class say as one, in dodgy accents, "Hello, my name is Lucky and I'm from Africa". Poor Lucky never made any friends.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Andrew Buchan