The Law of the Playground
the letter h
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A song from the playgrounds of Barnsley.

Hello Pakistani,
Does your mother have a fanny?,
Does it smell,
Fucking hell!

Barnsley, incidentally, is stinking full of smelly, shitty white kids who look black, but that's just muck.
approved Dec 22 2002, submitted Dec 19 2002 by Name Withheld
An optional "sniff sniff" sound effect may be added between the third and fourth lines.

To create the impression that you are actually getting an intimate faceful of your victim's mother's vagina, lean forwards as you sniff. Otherwise, it's just a basic "phwoo, I can smell it from here".
approved Jan 3 2012, submitted Jan 1 2012 by anonymous user
Inform a pal they have something on the back of their shoe. when they twist round and kick their leg upwards behind them to see, give 'em a "ooh, hello sailor!"

I still do this.
approved Sep 9 2003, submitted Aug 14 2003 by peter taste
What not to say when making a prank phone call to a teacher, and your name is Paul Allen.
approved Feb 3 2003, submitted Dec 27 2002 by Phil Glansvile
The end of a black man's cock.
approved Sep 24 2003, submitted Sep 24 2003 by Jon Blyth
Feel good college kids are always at intersections collecting money for cancer research. They have signs that say: "Help kids with cancer".
Feign disgust at the ambiguity, and say "What? You want to help kids using cancer? What the hell kind of sick fucks are you? Just going around, giving kids cancer? Jesus Fuck, man, you're as bad as the "AIDS Cures Fags" bastards! You want to go to the funeral of some kid who died from leukaemia with a banner reading "LIAM TAYLOR - FIVE DAYS IN HELL, ETERNITY TO GO"? You FUCKS!"
approved Jul 13 2004, submitted Oct 25 2003 by System Error
It was considered 'gay' to touch the arse of a girl (or boy) when I was a youngster, because gayness meant a fondness of bumholes to us ten year olds. It was much later that we learned that heterosexual anal sex was most certainly not gay. If it was, then my wife's newfound love of the exhaust pipe would make me more of a homo than a sickening composite of Quentin Crisp's lips with Graham Norton's hair.
Alternatively, you hetero back-sporkers are just closet homos, and simply aren't MAN enough to admit that they are sur l'autre autobus. Always stick with your first answer, faggot. - Mansh
approved Apr 13 2005, submitted Nov 11 2003 by anonymous user
Tell 'em what to do

Have a wank, do a poo!
approved Feb 22 2004, submitted Feb 21 2004 by Andy Mansh
The phrase yelled excitedly by our classmate Ivan as he strolled, er... proudly... through the changing room after PE, his full erection sticking up and outwards inside his underpants but mercifully not popping out over the top.
We were about 15 at the time, so presumably it wasn't his first ever stiffy. It was a testament to his immense popularity in our year that getting a stonk-on in a changing room full of half-naked lads, announcing the fact, and then showing it to all and sundry, didn't get him tormented, physically or verbally, to death in the remaining 3 years of high school.
approved Aug 29 2005, submitted Aug 29 2005 by Dale Taylor
Kid #1: "Say 'hi' to your knee."
Kid #2: "Hi, knee."
Kid #1: "You just said "Heiney!"
This is funny because heiney is a totally inoffensive word for ass. As innocuous as tricking someone into saying "table salt".
approved Dec 6 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Mike G
This was emblazoned across every single one of a batch of new rulers that arrived one day, confirming what we already knew - that our school purchased all of its equipment from a distant third world country. For 5p.
approved Feb 6 2006, submitted Jan 15 2006 by Shiny Mc Shinington
Before it was demolished and a brand new music centre was built, the music lessons at Marling School were held in a shit building, called Grafton House.
One room in Grafton House that contained only a comfortable chair. A spectacular design feature of this room was that the door could only be opened from the outside.
So, rumours flew around that this room was where the music teacher kept his stash of mind-blowing pornography. If you thought you had seen sex, then this pornography would put you right, by blowing your mind.
The imaginations of normal children in this situation stretches to a writhing black shape, with a compelling question mark on top. So once a child had become so curious as to go inside, he would be locked inside, forever*, with only a comfortable chair to sit on, and his imagination to wank with.
*Not forever.
approved Dec 16 2004, submitted Oct 18 2004 by Lieutenant Penis E. McPenis
After a particularly nice shit in an upstairs bathroom of our school, I decided to explore the boiler cupboard, whose lock had become broken by time and the evil and pervasive influences of sixth-formers. On top of the water cylinder, high enough to require a good deal of stretching, I found a well-thumbed jazz-mag which saw me nicely through the dry years ahead, and - most oddly - an entire fried breakfast on a plate, complete with knife and fork, perfectly mummified to the point of ossification. To this day, I wonder how it came to be there with its glorious companion.
approved Apr 14 2006, submitted Apr 1 2006 by Jack Rarebit
The emotional highs of thinking you are winning a highly competitive game of hide & seek can be shattered into terrible lows when you realise that nobody had any intention of ever looking for you, and you have just spent an hour in dusty cupboard whilst they are all outside playing touch football.
approved Feb 8 2006, submitted Feb 8 2006 by Barry Bullet
A friend (who should usually be in a completely different lesson, so that there is no-one missing from the class) would hide in a cupboard until the lesson was 5 minutes in, then start making loud cow mooing noises. When the teacher eventually found where he was, he should just get up and run out. Bizarre, really. This was the same person who at 15 hacked into the school computer network, and put a very basic, (4 picture), movie of someone performing oral sex on there, so that it would appear as soon as someone logged on to the PC. And he could fart at will. Genius.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rob Dobson
This unesteemed sixth form college was attended by myself, and the mass murdering Doctor Harold Shipman (and a few others whose names I forget). He was sensationally responsible for the deaths of hundreds of women patients over a period of many years - I am not.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
We had a lad called Dave Hill at school. We'd often try and 'recreate' the disaster by getting him worked up about it then squashing him against the wall. All in the best of taste of course...
approved Jan 21 2003, submitted Jan 7 2003 by anonymous user
Every town has one: the long haired biker type with the Leyland van who was 'going out with' the stunning blonde in your third year class.
Can be goaded into action by applying mud to his windows or by shoving fireworks through his letterbox.
approved Oct 23 2003, submitted Feb 17 2003 by Gordon Yeti
For our GCSE History, all classes only ever studied three time periods: the Russian Revolution, the rise of the Nazis, and strangely enough, the Conserative Government of Lord Balfour, 1901 - 1903. Anyways, the textbook used for the rise of the Nazis was passed from year to year, and on the very first page was a picture of Adolf Hitler as a baby. And of course, there was not a single copy of the book that didn't have a little Hitler moustache drawn on the baby. Even the girls felt compelled to do it. I think showing that picture to the voting German public in the 30s could have prevented the rise of Fascism.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Gez B
History : the remarkably preserved remains of Tollund Man did not initiate the holocaust.
English Literature : Shylock did not greet his friends with a hearty "Seig Heil".
Maths : x rarely equals Hitler.
Wayne Radford, I salute your efforts to address the impact of Hitler in modern society, but I genuinely feel your grades may have suffered because of it.
approved Sep 30 2003, submitted Sep 29 2003 by Jon Blyth
Came about as a result of a game our teacher made us play in the classroom during a rainy day. In it one of us would go up to the front of the class and mime an occupation and we would have to guess what that person's job was. One boy, Jonathan Perera, enthusiastically marched up to the front, placed his index finger of his right hand below his nose, his left hand straight up in the air and began to goose-step around the room much to the bemusement of the teacher. A girl near the front put up her hand and suggested, "John Cleese?" Jonathan gleefully responded, "No, Hitler." Our teacher was obviously not impressed and said that she had been hoping that it would be John Cleese as well, and sent Jonathan outside, into the rain. I should have pointed out that neither "John Cleese" nor "Hitler" is an occupation.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 8 2003 by chin tee
Marcus Smith and his group in the drama class were supposed to mime an occupation. When the first three members began to mime wiping their arses with their hands and smearing it on the walls the teacher intervened. Marcus pleaded successfully for patience, whereupon he and the remaining members of the little group entered the tableaux as (ta-da!) "the men who spray down the cell walls during prison 'dirty protests'".
approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Sep 23 2003 by anonymous user
As part of our history project we staged an interview with Hitler, (played by me, at my own insistence).
This give me the once in a lifetime chance to say things like, 'No I don't regret what I did as I rid our world of so many Jews' and 'I made the world a better place'.
This project received a D, which I think is a bit harsh. Perhaps we should have upped the entertainment aspect, and done a Goosestep Conga.
approved Dec 16 2004, submitted Dec 9 2004 by james squires
As ugly as a hobgoblin? Fat? Love giving head? Then this is the word for you.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely