The Law of the Playground
the letter h
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A good spit, either noun or verb. Probably onomatopoeic. Hockling was very popular in the autumn term of 1983, resulting in a playground slick with 'hockle', and stern assembly warnings.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rob Adey
Depressive, antisocial, cynical, self-harming and anti-establishment, Holloway hated everything and everyone, almost as much as he hated himself. He was considered extremely cool, and I was sort of in his circle, by virtue of him despising me slightly less than he despised the rest of humanity. His coolness peaked when he didn't make his A Levels because he missed the bus. It began to fizzle out when he failed a suicide attempt, and took a job in the public sector.
approved Oct 8 2011, submitted Oct 3 2011 by Bertie Cockroft
Whn Sam Underhill started going out with a girl called Holly, we all wrote "Holly Is A Slag" on every available surface, piece of paper, computer screen, etc. until they broke up. This happened around the time that she received someone's daubed homework through the post that had been rejected by the teacher, with a note attached asking her to re-do it as it was her fault for being such a slag.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 15 2003 by Name Withheld
Conan-Doyle's unfortunate but amusing way of saying that Sherlock Holmes said something. To be uttered with sudden loudness during a dreary reading in English class.
approved Apr 18 2003, submitted Apr 10 2003 by Name Withheld
Similarly, "A Terribly Strange Bed" by Wilkie Collins, which we read sometime in Year 9, contains the unforgettable line;

"he solemnly ejaculated 'coffee!'"

We spent some time wondering why the speaker was so solemn about his super human caffeine ejaculatory abilities. Experiments with the consumption of raw coffee in an attempt to duplicate this feat failed, but we did manage to stay up and watch Prisoner Cell Block H.
approved Aug 5 2003, submitted Aug 3 2003 by Jimmy Disco
In Henerick Ibson's play Hedda Gabler, there is a shady charcter called Brack, who is not content to declare "oh yes i am fond of the back passage", but immediately follows it up with "the back passage is very useful".
It was 15 minutes into class, and we all had to be let out early.
approved Dec 12 2003, submitted Nov 8 2003 by Name Withheld
I'm also fairly sure that in one of the Sherlock Holmes books, he ejaculates in his front room whilst he has a guest, who returns both of her hands to her muff in disgust. I'm sure it's in one of the books, I just cant remember which one.
On the subject of great literary ejaculations, it is rumoured that Jesus' last words in some prints of the Bible were "I come too quickly." Can anyone verify this? - I cant be bothered...
Well, can anyone verify this? We can't be bothered either.
approved Dec 17 2003, submitted Dec 12 2003 by Harry Nice
Hello again. King of Google here.
According to Luke 23:46, the last words of Christ were, in fact, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit." Which is a bit rude, if you try hard.
Here be links.
Note: don't Google "I come too quickly" when you're at work and have a draconian information security team.
approved Jun 18 2004, submitted Dec 18 2003 by Nick Hunt
These are the closest quotes I could find, in "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes". In The Red Headed League, "I ejaculated after I had twice read over the extraordinary announcement."

Then, later on, in A Case Of Identity, "She pulled a little handkerchief out of her muff and began to sob heavily into it."

Sterling academic research there, young Jim. Bravo.
approved Jan 2 2004, submitted Dec 30 2003 by Name Withheld
I very much wanted this to be true, BUT:
1) I could not be bothered to leaf through the entire Bible
2) I do not own one
HOWEVER as 30% of the Internet consists of American Christians, I thought a quick Google search would settle the matter. Here are the helpful, and conclusive results.
approved Jun 18 2004, submitted Jan 25 2004 by Raz .
From "The Thirty Nine Steps" by John Buchan: "They were all on me at once, and the policeman took me in the rear. I got in one or two good blows, for I think, with fair play, I could have licked the lot of them, but the policeman pinned me behind, and one of them got his fingers on my throat."
approved Apr 19 2005, submitted Feb 2 2005 by anonymous user
"Crime and Punishment" by Dostoyevsky features a hen party novelty biscuit destined to scare children. Let it not be said that the Russians are a dour and humourless lot.
'Just fancy, Rodion Romanovitch, we found a gingerbread cock in his pocket. He was coming home dead drunk, but he did not forget the children.'

'A cock? Did you say a cock?' the gentleman from the commissariat cried.
Should your English class wish to recreate this scene, may we humbly suggest the fantastically named Masturbakers as a possible source of phallic fingerfoods? Alternatively, if you bite the arms off a classic gingerbread man, the results will be more than sufficient to cause aunties everywhere to blush.
approved Apr 27 2005, submitted Apr 25 2005 by anonymous user, Phil Glansvile
Hermann Melville's always hilarious Moby Dick contains a special treat for anyone who manages to make it past the first hundred and four chapters without going mental.
A description of a successful whaling ship in chapter 105 ends: "indeed everything was filled with sperm, except the captain's pantaloons pockets, and those he reserved to thrust his hands into, in self- complacent testimony of his entire satisfaction."
And if you don't believe me, look here.
approved May 1 2005, submitted Apr 29 2005 by anonymous user
Anita would wank off boys for fifty pence in a disused bus shelter close to the edge of the school playing fields. She turned no-one away as she was saving for a bike. Martin Ross, clearly destined for a career as an officer and a gentleman, became so excited in the queue that he wanked himself off - yet still insisted on handing over his fifty pence.
approved Dec 3 2005, submitted Nov 21 2005 by Bob Marsh
When in 1st year in secondary school an (entirely unfounded) rumour spread like wildfire that someone in a different class had been caught wanking with a hoover. The poor bastard had the whole school running up and shouting 'HOOOOOOOVER!' and 'VROOOOOOOOOOOO!' in his face, whilst mimicking the movement of hoover to genitals. This not only forced him to leave the school, but move to an entirely different TOWN. His name? Jeremy Dyson.
Not really.
approved Apr 21 2005, submitted Jan 28 2005 by Andrew O Regan
Christian puppet who toured Westcountry primary school assemblies in a suitcase carried by a variety of human "hosts", most notably a portly woman named Dawn. Every year, Horace would emergy sleepily from the suitcase and crack the same joke about thinking he was at a zoo, on account of all the monkeys present. He and Dawn would then play a version of Biblical hangman, and it was customary for Dawn to pack Horace away, pretending to shut his legs in the suitcase as she did so. It was about this time I stopped attending Sunday School.
approved Mar 1 2003, submitted Feb 5 2003 by Alexander Po
Mr Rose had a problem with his erection. More specifically, his problem was that he couldn’t stop having erections in class. When he turned from writing on the blackboard, you were on a fifty-fifty that there'd be a captivating tumescence nudging at the zip of his baggy flares.

Had it been any other year, with any other pop chart, he might have been nicknamed "Purple Strain" or "The Jefferson Penis Experience". But this was 1983, and Haysi Fantayzee dominated the airwaves with "John Wayne Is Big Leggy".

You're stuck with the tools God gives you. Hence, "Horny Rose is Big Loggy".
approved Oct 10 2011, submitted Oct 3 2011 by Bertie Cockroft
Our man with this problem in 1975 was Mr Kemp. Had we progressed beyond our horror that a room full of twelve year old kids should have this effect on him, and given some thought to a contemporary pop chart-related epithet, I expect we'd have called him Mr Postman. Or maybe The Bump.
approved Oct 13 2011, submitted Oct 13 2011 by Name Withheld
I dumped my girlfriend, and she kept following my round saying 'but why Chris, why did we break up?'. After about four days of this I turned to her in a crowded corridor and shouted "We didn't 'break up'! I dumped you! And I did it because you got on my TITS! Now how d'ya like THEM apples?" It spread like wildfire. Within two days I even heard a teacher say it. And then, suddenly, it was gone. I don't know why I said it, or where I got it from, but my fifteen minutes of fame were over.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rocky Shore Pervert
I think this is American - I've never heard it said in an English accent. It's best said in a really angry american comic who smoke's voice. However, the Rocky Shore Pervert does give a perfect
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
Homer said this on an episode of The Simpsons. Your fame's spreading, buddy!
approved Sep 9 2003, submitted Sep 8 2003 by anonymous user
Yes, yes, yes.. but what does it really MEAN? This has foxed me since seeing "Good Will Hunting," back in secondary school. I asked a number of American teenagers at the time what the story was and they were no hope whatsoever. Is it Pidgeon English?
approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Sep 18 2003 by Name Withheld
It was first said in an Edward Albee play. The American Dream, in 1961. Don't thank me. I'll make my own way out.
approved Oct 17 2003, submitted Oct 14 2003 by matronboy ngggg.
I assume Pigeon English is what the terribly well-spoken birds in Trafalgar Square speak. But don't feed them, no matter what they say. That's illegal. The eloquent little bastards.
approved Dec 12 2003, submitted Nov 27 2003 by Chris Murphy
Question asked of me every day of my entire school career by my head of year, Joe Maguire. Later in life, I did a stint as a teacher, and did my PGCE year at my old school, giving me the opportunity to say "Well, I got your job."
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Gareth Roberts
In the long lost valley of the arses,
by the sign of the Swinging Tit,
There Hu-Flung-Dung was murdered,
by his brother Hu-Flung-Shit.
This was printed on a bus stop outside our school. My big brother's mate conceived her first child in that bus stop. Awwww!
approved Nov 7 2003, submitted Nov 7 2003 by anonymous user
The traditional "one in every school" practice of getting a Henry Hoover to give you a blow job is always opening yourself up for a good year of ridicule. If your name is Hugo Grubb, however...
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Damian
Spencer Ashley brings in a fake, homemade bomb before a Spanish lesson consisting of a shitload of blutack, the face of an alarm clock, and some straggly, multi-coloured wires which he places under the desk of our teacher, Graham "Sweetie" Underhill.

We hide under our desks in readiness for Sweetie's arrival. And the depressingly predictable scene unfolds -

Spencer Ashley: There's a bomb under your desk!
Sweetie: Don't be so bloody stupid.

Sweetie kicks shoebox across room.

Not a particularly amusing story at all, unless one considers the vague, one-percent-at-best possibility that Sweetie just might - JUST MIGHT - have been wrong about this definitely not being an explosive device.

approved Jun 19 2005, submitted May 16 2005 by anonymous user
The cry of The Bumblers. Basically, The Bumblers spoke in a high, loud voice and said "Hulla Mulla" a lot. Sadly, they weren't characters in a children's story. They - or rather, he - went to my school.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
In the science lab, there are plenty of artefacts to put into the fattest boys bag. (This isn't anti-fat, but common sense. People who weigh 29 stone are less likely to notice a few bunsen burners in their bag) If done in the last period, there is every chance he will take them home with him. Hopefully, we will empty his bag in front of his mum. When she sees all the cut up and gutless frogs, she will assume that he stopped at a pond on the way home, and feasted on the wildlife.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Graham Powell
Dunno if this really counts as it didn't happen in school but a friend and I did a similar thing at a works christmas meal using cutlery, condiments and several old men.
I am 24 and my friend is 32 and a Senior Manager for a very large electrical retail company.
Yes, I was bullied at school.
approved Jul 24 2003, submitted Jul 23 2003 by Garreth Akerman
A particularly successful way to gently persuade your teacher onto a course of Prozac. It doesn't work if everyone does it; and for best effect it needs to either come from a couple of different directions, or from a different source each time. Advantageous in that there is no outward sign of the hummer, rendering them unpunishable. Needless to say they would cease should the teacher approach, at which point the hum would be taken up by another entrepreneurial soul on the other side of the room, head bent studiously over their long division (or whatever it was... sorry, Mr. McNally, but with that name, and at 5'2" you were asking for it. As was your car, to be fair.)
approved Jul 24 2003, submitted Jul 23 2003 by spadge monkey
Humming was featured in a late-80's episode of Grange Hill. In the week after it aired, my school was forced to include, during the morning register, a lecture on the punishment facing anyone caught humming during lessons.

"You can hum all you want at break-time." suggested our elderly form-tutor.

Talk about missing the fucking point.
approved Apr 15 2005, submitted Oct 22 2004 by Big O
Easier, but a hell of a lot less covert, is to have the entire portion of the class not within the teachers line of sight hum the Imperial March from Star Wars as they walk. Works wonders. Or, start a round of applause when he teacher enters the room. Cease for nothing.
approved Dec 16 2005, submitted Dec 13 2005 by R Sle (tee hee)
One of our physics teachers was called Humphrey Payne, and for some reason, his Christian name became a source of enormous amusement for the whole school. In one physics lesson, determined to irritate Humphrey, Sean Reuben put his hand up and said "Can I tell a joke sir?" and then proceeded to tell a joke which began with the feed line: "What do you call a camel with three humps?". Payne, incensed, turned a bright shade of red and ordered Sean to get out of the class. Sean feigned innocence beautifully, looking as if butter wouldn't melt in his mouth so Payne chased him madly out of the room. Once Sean was outside, Humphrey slammed the door so hard that the security glass in the door shattered. The rest of the class at this point sat in shocked silence.
We erupted into uncontrollable laughter when Sean popped his round the door a few seconds later and with a look of angelic innocence and supposed helpfulness on his face, pointed out to Humphrey, "Sir, I think the glass in the door just broke."

approved Jan 23 2003, submitted Dec 18 2002 by Martin Jones
More specifically, hymn books placed upright on the chair in front, in line with the arse crack, just before the kid sits down at the end of the song in assembly. Many a comically hurt look when they turned round.
approved Jan 23 2003, submitted Jan 2 2003 by peter taste
While shepherds washed their cocks by night,
While watching BBC
The angel of the Lord came down
And switched to ITV
approved Dec 6 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Chris Snowdon
Our Father, Who Aren't in Heaven,
Hallo What's Your Name?
Gladly the cross I bear... becomes Gladly the Cross-Eyed Bear...
(This last one also appears in The Perishers cartoon strip, which I think pensioners read.)
approved Dec 6 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ian Malcolm
Oh Come Let Us Adore Him = Oh Come Let Us Ignore Him
Christ The Lord becomes Christ, I'm Bored
Gracious Spirit, Holy Ghost becomes Gracious Spirit, Beans on Toast
Peace is flowing like a river...flowing out of you and me... becomes... well, I think you can guess this one...
We are climbing Jesus' ladder becomes = for ladder, read penis
I close my eyes, drew back the curtains becomes = why not draw back your foreskin?
All dicks bright and beautiful, all creatures grunt and smell
Jesus Christ the Apple Tree, said with a different emphasis, becomes a startled exclamation of surprise.
Service to the loving, honour to the dead becomes bollocks to the Head
Our Father, Who Art In Heaven, Harold By Thy Name
'Blessed are those that come in the House of the Lord', swap House for Mouth
God rest you jerry mental men
do re mi so fa la ti do = dirty asshole farty old soul
Cross over the road my friend,
ask the lord his cock to bend,
hi-is penis knows no end,
cross over the road.
and for the catholics...
benedicta tu becomes benny's dick tattoo
clarior usta rogo becomes clarior usta bollocks (?) and you have to say usta as though you are climaxing. Naturally.
approved Dec 6 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by James McCormack, Christopher Huxley, Michele , Joe S., Garth , Matt King, Alex Carter, Ben Austwick, Jon Blyth
In 1992, just outside our school, our friend Nigel got hit by a car and had his leg broken. Consequently "Cross over the road my friend" soon became the rather forced "Cross over the road Nigel" before muttering something vague about him being stupid and run over in the next line.

Im pretty sure they still sing it like that today.
approved Jan 20 2003, submitted Dec 16 2002 by Ben Baker
At junior school, we once had to sing a setting of Martin Luther King's speech on TV, which started "I have a dream, that nothing can conquer". Needless to say, in the playground many things were substituted for the word 'dream'... except that if a less popular kid tried to sing something like "I have a cock, that nothing can conquer", another kid would just say "oh yeah?" and kick the shit out of his crotch.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 13 2003 by The Bittern
We thought that replacing Onward Christian soldiers with "Onward fascist bastards" was really right on, and would bring down capitalism and organised religion.
It just made us sound like Rik from the Young Ones.
approved Apr 24 2005, submitted Oct 23 2003 by Ponky Ponk
Like cellar door, jism or flange: one of those words that rolls so sweetly off the tongue that you say it again and again and again, up until the moment when you introduce yourself as "Mr David Hysterectomy" to the drama teacher, and she runs out of the room.
Girls cry at anything!
approved Oct 3 2005, submitted Aug 12 2005 by Tony Green