The Law of the Playground
the letter i
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Based on the pubescent pop group 3T. Michael Jackson's nephews no less. Tito's sons? Probably.
Their one hit was "I'll Give You Love". Whenever the group performed this on stage, one of them would wear a large rucksack over one shoulder. Then, when he got to the emotional pinnacle of the song - the high bit - he would throw it down on stage in an aroused huff. Every time.

This original move led to an entire month at our school where every lesson we would all, in unison, start the lesson by screaming "I'll give you love" in high whiny voices then slamming our bags down on our desks.
It was in this way that I broke my cartridge pen. We were not a very cool school.
approved Feb 2 2004, submitted Feb 2 2004 by Blue Jamie
The cry uttered by me during a complex game of cops and robbers, where the criminal element was far more varied. "I'm a murderer!" "I'm a drug dealer!" etc.
For about a week after the incident, I couldn't sit near a girl without her crying out "Jon, stop trying to rape me!" and occasionally hitting me.
I'm not a rapist. Honest.
The Editors of Playground Law wish to let it be known that they do not endorse Jon James' claim not to be a rapist. If you have been raped by Jon James, please go to the police. Alternately, tell your story here, and we'll do our best to get him sent down for good.
approved Dec 16 2004, submitted Nov 20 2004 by jon james
Two kids had been caught fighting. Our headmaster made a big dramatic cautionary speech about it the next day, during which he got rather worked up, causing him to offer the following as his peroration: "So anyone who wants to fight in the future, fight me! I know the alley! I've fought in the alleys! I'm an alley cat!" These ludicrous threats was heard out in stunned silence, only to be much analysed and mused in the following days and months.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Sr Davidson
Meet Mr Graham Barnes, a physics teacher with an unnaturally high voice. We used to sit at the back of the class shouting 'Graham is gay', prompting him to one day reply with 'I'm not gay'. Naturally enough. From then on, any accusation of someone being gay was met with a barrage of high-pitched voices stating 'I'm not gay'. He once broke down in tears after we told him we had phoned Childline and said he touched us.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rocky Shore Pervert
To say "I'm not gay" is the highest, most solemn, most utterly damning evidence that one IS gay, and not just gay but a big brassy transvestite to boot. The quickest, kindest cure for this was to boot the fuck out of the victim. Ironically, the one time we actually discovered that a kid was genuinely gay and confused about it, we were so freaked out by such a display of vulnerability that we formed a protective group around him, on the strict understanding that he NEVER discuss it with us again. We later booted fuck out of him for having periods, which he probably didn't, now I come to think of it.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 7 2003 by Name Withheld
After a half-hour barrage of gay insults by the majority of our form, imagine our surprise when tiny Nick Jordan snapped and bellowed the above.
A brief silence followed out of respect and gratitude, before the barrage was resumed. And this time, we had truth on our side.
approved Dec 5 2003, submitted Nov 26 2003 by Roy Holdsworth
Which, when written on a piece of paper and read out by someone else, sounds quite funny. Technique tried and tested on The Day Today.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Sydney Fung
Presumably, you're smelling because you've shat yourself at the prospect of me telling. It rhymed.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ian Edgar
Also try "I'm telling, you're dwelling in an indefinite state of fear"
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Was extended to 'I'm telling, you're smelling, you went to Caroline's wedding', Caroline in this case being a smelly girl in my class. I think the insinuation was that you married her, but just being present at her wedding was sufficient an insult.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Young
I'm telling
you're smelling
you went to batman's wedding
you kissed him
you hugged him
and now you really love him
It's shit, but it's got batman in, so it's great.
approved Dec 9 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely
What you say before you are old enough to know that it's your spasmojesticles (qv) that hurt when you get hit in them. Although being kicked in the willy might make your pipe hot for a bit.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely
I can assure you that being kicked in the willy really does fucking hurt, especially if the zip on your kecks cuts a fucking great gash into it and leaves you needing stitches.
approved Mar 1 2003, submitted Mar 1 2003 by dan upright
Rumours abounded at my school that Edward Hills had been overly friendly with one of the girls (who's name I forget), and she'd grabbed him by the proverbials and twisted. He then (according to myth) required surgery to get his balls out of his underwear and would never have children. Considering that this is the same man who once shaved off one of his eyebrows and then, after mockery, shaved off the other so it would match, I think it is unlikely that he'd have children anyway.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Mar 1 2003 by Phil Catterall
The slightly confused announcement made in Year 8 by my friend Jon after he briefly pretended to shag a chain-link fence.
approved Aug 5 2003, submitted Jul 23 2003 by Mr Lemon
Another it-selecting rhyme:
'Ib dib dog shit,
Fucking bastard,
Dirty git
... (continue swearing) ...
You are not IT!'
After the third line, the lyrics were variable, and usually consisted of the picker reciting as many other swear words as they could think of until they ran out. The rhyme improved with the age of the rhymer, until eventually the selection process aspect of the rhyme was lost into a purposeless stream of filth.
approved Mar 9 2003, submitted Jan 29 2003 by Bobs Meryll
Readers! What follows is strangely eerie and alarming, but it's impossible to put your finger on why. Judge for yourself.

If you put your bicycle upside down and turned the pedals, it was an ice cream making machine.
You could produce any flavour. Vanilla was popular, as was chocolate.
I still pretend to make ice cream this way as a 41 year old man, with my 1500 racing bike. My wife kindly agrees to collude with this conceit, pretending to consume and enjoy my wares. Even when, after she's finished her cornet, I pretend that it was made with poo (chocolate), wee (vanilla) or period (raspberry). I have even sold her a Neapolitan.
approved Nov 1 2005, submitted Aug 27 2005 by Marcus Jayus
Another weirdo writes:

When I turned my BMX upside down, it churned butter. So it appears that different bikes can produce different dairy products. Thankfully, I didn't know back then, so I wasn't upset at missing out on unlimited supplies of ice cream.

Did your bike make cheese? Perhaps it became the 'Magical Milkshake Machine' at the flick of an imaginary switch. Why don't you form some sort of club? - Ponky
approved Mar 1 2006, submitted Nov 2 2005 by anonymous user
Tony took time out of his busy schedule torturing small mammals to share this pearl of two-wheeled wisdom.

My bike made pain. The spinning, lumpy motor cross tyres when spinning at full revs created such a lethal weapon that its victims eyes were a sight to behold as henchmen forced their tear stained faces towards it. All the time I cranked the pedals faster like the winding of a Spanish Inquisition musical box. The whole torture was made all the more pleasurable by the dynamo attached to my rear tyre which would make the bike lights glow brightly when the revolutions were high enough to remove skin!
approved Jun 29 2007, submitted Mar 2 2006 by Tony Green
"If you put water in the freezer you get iced water. What do you get if you put ink in the freezer?" "Iced ink" "Yes, you do stink! Ha ha ha!"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
Double bluff possible; reply "icy ink". The other person may (a 1:25 chance) say "no, iced ink", allowing you full reversal privileges.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A German song, featured in the Deutsch Heute book. Translated literally...

I am hungry, hungry, hungry,
I am hungry, hungry, hungry,
I am hungry, hungry, hungry,
I am thirsty.

Where is the food, food, food
Where is the food, food, food
Where is the food, food, food
Where is the sausage?

Hard to believe any race stereotyping themselves so effectively.
approved Dec 9 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Eddie Hoyland, Jon Blyth
"What do you think this is lad? Some kind of... Idiot Park?"
A rubbish insult, but a wonderful image - Alton Towers for half wits. People queueing the wrong way. People buying do-nuts and hugging them, and suffocating in the plastic ponchos you buy for the water rides.
It still makes me smile 10 years on.
approved Jul 9 2004, submitted Mar 4 2004 by anonymous user
As good a name as any for someone who tries to light a cigarette between his knees.
approved Oct 13 2004, submitted Mar 22 2004 by Name Withheld
A Midlands thing I think. Stands for "If Destroyed Still True". When you carve "Dan is gay" into his desk and follow it with this acronym, even if Dan spends 10 minutes scratching it out it is STILL TRUE.
You can also inscribe INDST so even if it is NOT destroyed it is STILL TRUE.
A second IDST can also protect the first IDST, in case someone destroys the IDST first, rendering the actual message destroyable. But that could result in an endless chain of IDSTs, which would be lunacy.
approved Jan 31 2003, submitted Dec 24 2002 by Ginger Snaps
Girls at my school turned this into a fucking science, with stuff like IDEMT (if destroyed even more true), IDEMTTEB and IDSTFEAE - it got to the point where they'd get so caught up in drafting the consequences of the graffiti's destruction that they'd leave out the message altogether.
approved Mar 1 2003, submitted Mar 1 2003 by dan upright
We had 'IDBT', or 'if destroyed becomes true'. This causes a dilemma: Destroy it and it's true, or don't destroy it and everyone can see 'Danny is gay' scrawled on a desk.
approved Apr 10 2005, submitted Dec 19 2004 by anonymous user
Possibly the funniest joke of all time. BEWARE - if you read this you may die laughing. You approach the unsuspecting victim with the usual 'Knock, Knock', 'Who's there?' 'Idunnop'. Try to keep a straight face as he unwittingly replies 'I done a poo'. Hilarity obviously ensues.
approved Mar 1 2003, submitted Feb 21 2003 by anonymous user
Conclusive proof that our french teacher was a homo: his name - Pete Binns - was an anagram of 'bent penis'.
approved Sep 21 2005, submitted Sep 19 2005 by Name Withheld, anonymous user
Outrageous assertion by Andrew Bradley, in response to our constant barrage of crap questions. Suddenly, we began to wonder if he was as clever as he said he was.
approved Oct 16 2011, submitted Sep 12 2003 by petrocelli .