The Law of the Playground
the letter i
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"Your mum crocodile lady, your dad crocodile" - cuss produced by Nozrul, a Bengali kid when half-heartedly bullied. Also: "Your name Mr Snake" and "You Bloody".
approved Feb 3 2003, submitted Feb 3 2003 by Josh Dawson
The name of our 6 a-side football team. Cheered on by cries of 'Come on Yermam!'. We were copied by the rip-off team 'Inter Bed', who were, of course, shit.
And one of them had a mullet.
approved Oct 23 2005, submitted Oct 21 2005 by Kevin Davey
Our 5-a-side team was called Bumjamum. We did, too.
approved Feb 17 2006, submitted Feb 16 2006 by anonymous user
A sport common to most schools in the world is the violent rivalry between nearby schools. However, our version had a twist, because the nearest school to us catered for those with special needs.
At least once a week we would be visited by about thirty misguided children in varying states of spackerdom, angling for a punch up during dinner.
This was even more entertaining because, frankly, they could barely manage being outside unsupervised, let alone display dazzling unarmed combat skills. So they pretty much got hammered very time. They never learned. Which is probably why they were in a special school in the first place.
approved Sep 22 2003, submitted Sep 19 2003 by Uncle Bastard
In one Year 6 computer lesson, we were told to search for various things on Ask Jeeves. At the time I believed that if you input a question - any question - it would come up with a straightforward answer. I inserted "Why is Tom Scott so fat?"
My computer froze. I bashed away at buttons. It didn't work. Rather than simply turn off my computer, I ran around the room persuading classmates to insert the same question into the search engine. Nobody's computer froze except mine. I then tried to persuade the teacher that it must be some massive international problem and it was just a coincidence that the one person out of the 6 billion on Earth whose name was stuck in the search engine was in her class. She said she believed me.
approved May 9 2005, submitted Apr 30 2005 by Gareth Thomas
The idea of inverted nipples is commonplace, although I'm not sure if anyone has ever seen any. Surely it would involve little holes. And they would have to suck in milk. And this never, never happens.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
An example of this was a boy in my year dubbed banana boobs, he was skinny but had these odd protruding nipples which sucked his games t-shirt in at the end. I would have laughed more but I happened to be a fat shit with tits myself.
approved Apr 30 2003, submitted Feb 18 2003 by Chris Warren
We've all heard reports of the games exam invigilators play. Paper chicken, for example, where they anticipate which child will want paper next, and try to give it to them just before they put their hands up. If you see an invigilator standing behind the ugliest, most furiously-writingest child, this is what he is doing.
My father taught at the same school I attended, and a few months ago he told me that he had stood next to the most unpleasant kid in the year, and silently waved an eggy banner. I had never before felt so much love for my father as right then.
approved Nov 12 2004, submitted Oct 15 2004 by Name Withheld
At a particularly well-known and illustrious public school, a young teacher decided to while away the hours on the laptop computer lying in the exam hall whilst invigilating an A level Physics exam. Little did he know that the laptop was plugged into a projector and the explicit websites he was visiting were displayed in all their glory behind him, 8 feet high, providing the students with a little light entertainment. The teacher was suspended on full pay, pending an investigation.

Editor's Note: Yes, we are fully aware that the above is 100% lies. If this genuinely had happened, it would have been glorious.
approved Jul 12 2006, submitted Jan 8 2006 by Jim Clack
Thanks to all those avid readers who wrote in with this link, which would seem to prove Jim Clack right and Conor wrong.

I'm sure that Conor will issue a full and grovelling apology to Jim the moment he reads this.
approved Aug 27 2006, submitted Jul 23 2006 by Matt Fasham
Dear readers,
Well, yes, it seems I was a little too hasty in jumping on the bullshit bandwagon with this story. However, I'm not sorry, I don't care, and you're all gay.
All right, all right, I'll go and stand in the corner and do a snot bubble.
approved Aug 28 2006, submitted Aug 28 2006 by Conor Franklin
To get Jim suspended from school, squirt water from a teat pipette into your eye, then scream, throw the teat pipette to the floor, and tell the teacher that Jim squirted you in the eye with iodine.
If this works, consider telling your parents that your maths teacher slid his index finger into your arse.
approved Apr 21 2005, submitted Mar 22 2004 by Name Withheld
Method of choosing the 'it' for games such as 'British Bulldog' and '49 save all'. Someone (usually a bossy girl) would start pointing at people on each syllable of 'ip dip dog shit, you are not it'. The chosen one, relieved, would leave the circle. With only eight syllables, it shouldn't have been too hard to fix, but to my knowledge no-one was that clever at that age.
approved Jan 24 2003, submitted Jan 16 2003 by Jeff Standen
Ip, dip, dog shit,
Fucking bastard, little git,
You are not it
Obviously the second line serves no purpose, apart from sounding very adult.
approved May 6 2003, submitted Jan 24 2003 by Name Withheld, Harry Nice
Stand in a line? Rubbish? Everyone playing in the game put one of their feet in the dip and the bossiest kid got to do whatever rhyme they knew. On special occasions, you were allowed to put both feet in. This made it exactly twice as much fun.
approved Jun 19 2003, submitted Feb 18 2003 by Andrew From Radstock
Our song went:
Emilia Mason chundered in the basin,
What colour was her puke?

The person you landed on would say a colour, such as red. You would spell out R-E-D, and the person who got the D was out and therefore not it. Emilia was a girl in my class who as far as I know never actually puked in a basin, but we didn't let that get in the way of a satisfying rhyme.
approved Jul 8 2006, submitted Feb 27 2006 by Jelly Tot
In Biology A level we were learning about mitosis - cell division - which has 5 stages called interphase, prophase, metaphase, anaphase and telophase. There was a rather unfavoured girl in the class called Michelle who was not exactly attractive, nor did she have a high level of personal cleanliness. I devised a mnemonic to remember the phases of mitosis. It have never forgotten it. I Porked Michelles Anal Tract. Nice.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dave Tree
Ours was 'I Prefer Masturbation Any Time', and people could be heard muttering it throughout our biology exam.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rocky Shore Pervert
Well that's rubbish because it misses out cytokinesis at the end. The one I used was "Is Paul Molyneaux a Twat? Certainly!" Paul thought that one up himself, so it wasn't really cruel.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Al McEwan
I suggest that Dave should have Porked Michelle's Anal Tract Carefully, given her low standards of hygeine. God, that was Radio 4 smug, that was.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A "making disability fun" story.

Phil Wardle had something wrong with his spine. The problem was such that eventually he had to wear a kind of plastic corset. This encased his upper body- front and back - from his waist to just below the arms. Obviously it was worn under his shirt so it couldnt be seen. When he first had it fitted, he would go and wind people up by calling them a twat or applying a sharp and exceedingly painful dig in the ribs with his fingers. The reaction of most people to this kind of provocation was to issue a punch in the stomach. Unfortunately for them, this was exactly the response Phil was hoping for because it resulted in a scene like that out of Superman 2 when that bloke in the diner punches Clark Kent in the stomach and nearly shatters his hand.
approved May 15 2003, submitted Dec 24 2002 by Nick H
Me and a group of friends asked a dinner lady what was it like to have sex - we were ten.
She responded by saying, "well, you know when you pull your foreskin back in the bath whilst washing? It's like that over and over."
From the blank look she received from all of us, it became apparent none of us knew how to wash our dicks properly, let alone have sex.
approved Jul 13 2006, submitted Jun 28 2006 by George Byrne
Offered as an answer to the question "If you got mugged on Orpington high street, what should you shout to get help?"
approved Sep 17 2003, submitted Sep 13 2003 by Leopold Bloom
Something I; (a) should not have asked Justin after his mum had died of cancer; and (b) should not have repeated to my mum when I enquired why Justin had run away crying? I was only about 5 or 6 so give me a break.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matt King
Stock phrase used by a teacher to calm down a hysterical class while simultaneously consoling the unfortunate child who has just peed her pants at the age of twelve.
approved Oct 13 2005, submitted Sep 8 2005 by no author recorded
Poor James was a bit 'special' and it wasn't unusual for him to shit himself at any given opportunity. One day, I found myself in the unfortunate position of having to sit next to him on the bus on the way home.
That day, James smelled righteous, so I asked him, burrying my face in my shirt, "James. Why did you shit in your pants?"
He looked at me straight in the eye and declared, in a "well actually, as a matter of fact" kind of way, "It will be HARD soon."
approved Apr 16 2005, submitted Dec 12 2003 by Mike Paddy
Classic thicko story. Child bunks off school, answers the phone at his house, and when asked "Is that you, Ian?", the hypothetical Ian replies "No, it's my uncle".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by David Gerrard
Classic, but is this an urban myth, like the "Please let my son off games because he has a broken ear. Signed, my mum" letter? Answers on a postman.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
To avoid teachers noticing the similarities between our own handwriting and the handwriting on our excusal notes, we would fake each others. Didn't quite work when the note read:

"Please excuse David Miller from games today, as he has forgotten his kit."
approved Jul 25 2005, submitted Jul 22 2005 by bob .
Alan was a large child, and as with all large children, they get accused of eating many things. So when Alan would ask you if he could borrow a pencil, you would naturally reply "it's not lunchtime, Alan". This was just subtle enough so that Alan never realised.
Alan: Has anyone got a spare textbook?
The Class: It's not lunchtime, Alan.
approved Apr 11 2005, submitted Apr 17 2004 by john parsons
A reassuring lie for ugly people. It doesn't work quite as well for fat people, however, and can trigger a guessing game as to what it is exactly that's inside the massive bastards.
approved Sep 24 2011, submitted Sep 24 2011 by Jon Blyth
run conchita : like 'it', but you punch the person in the kidneys and shout "run, conchita!" pineapple salesman : the person who was 'it' was the pineapple salesman, and had to be chased and severely beaten. the bill, the bill, get the bastards : split into two teams, each with a walkie talkie. The team who gets the pineapple salesman lets the other team listen to the beating on their walkie-talkie.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rixter