The Law of the Playground
the letter j
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The proud logo at the top of the Jesus In Me noticeboard.

Funny because Jesus never ejaculated when he was alive, and definitely doesn't ejaculate now he's inside you. He pulls out at the last minute, and a little cloud of holy steam fires out with a toot toot.
approved Jul 9 2004, submitted Mar 3 2004 by Random Fried
A gang. Jab Warrior activity was primarily jabbing other pupils with a compass without them figuring out who did it, usually between classes when the corridors were packed. Movement up the ranks of The Jab was speedy if you could secretly: A. Draw blood B. Jab somebody who was hard/older and not be found out (largely theoretical - jabbing was generally confined to younger, weaker pupils) C. Jab a teacher (see B) Higher ranking in The Jab afforded you unimaginable privileges.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Patrick Kilmartin
King Charles Spaniels that look like they are ready to explode with even the gentlest application of a woodwork vice.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A fat whore.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Not to be confused with Jabba the Butt, an elderly, overweight, knuckleless buttery ogre on the till. The trick was to try and get your change back without actually making contact with her Walls pork fingers. She worked in cahoots with Richard Keepthechange, who handed back your receipt with the words, 'keep the change'. My sides.

Nicknaming supermarket staff remains a phenomenon to this day - my local Morrisons' has Rod Hull, Moomin and Bully's Special Prize Man.
approved Apr 11 2005, submitted Sep 23 2003 by Phil Jeffcott
The name given to trousers that are too short in the leg. Usually worn with white socks by scutters, making the jack ups even more obvious.
approved Dec 20 2002, submitted Dec 19 2002 by dirty root
Also known as half-masts. As in 'Gacco's kegs are at half-mast again'. More amusing if the wearer also has a 'seagull' hairstyle.
approved May 1 2003, submitted Apr 4 2003 by kevin Barnett
A Children's TV show in which grown ups would sit in a chair and read from a storybook, as cameras occasionally panned slowly across a drawing as a substitute for "action".
This show, dedicated to fantastical storytelling, became a synonym for bullshit. When a story (usually an account of sexual athleticism from the hairy boy) is obviously biglies, you can shout "Jackanory!", or more subtly checking your watch and saying "Oh, is it 4.15 already?"
approved Sep 30 2004, submitted Feb 8 2004 by Mathew Sawyer
After listening to a fantasist regale us with tall tales, we would sing the theme tune to Storybook International. This was an ITV programme with animated opening titles of a suspiciously elegant bard. His beautiful singing would attract the attention of a fox, until he transformed without warning into a naked black man, scaring the shit out of his vulpine chum. Look, I'm not making this up.

Anyway, when he sings about his name in many countries, that's your opportunity to work in the insult. For example: if Roly claimed that his brother had a fight with Wolf from The Gladiators, you would sing:

I'm the Storyteller and my story must be told,
In Germany I'm Johannes, in England I am John,
In Cheltenham I'm Roly, and I'm a lying cunt.

If the liar was actually called John or, God forbid, Johannes, the last line could simply be repaced by a mongoloid impression, and a celebratory flid flippers dance.
approved Nov 21 2011, submitted May 16 2005 by Andy Mansh
James Schofield had a particularly vivid imagination when it came to the sixth form girls and their exploits with him. And so he was redubbed "Matty" after Matthew Pearson in Grange Hill. The implication being that not only did he tell lots of lies, but he was getting bummed by his dad.
approved Jun 19 2005, submitted May 26 2005 by Slab Ghost
#2 in the lies of Troy Hawkins series.
In Year 11, when Troy was 15, he became engaged to "Jackie D", who lived in another town, and was indistinguishable from Pamela Anderson. The next day he came in with a ring on his wedding finger, a ring which was made from platinum. Although too small for his finger, the ring was worth many hundreds of pounds. With admirable dignity, Troy kept his mouth shut for weeks on the matter, until one day he arrived at school without his platinum ring. Sadly, Jackie D's father had found out about the engagement, and beated Troy's fiancee to death.
approved Dec 6 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Johnzini
Product placement version of soggy biscuit.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Andrew Grumbridge
Legendary mime performed by me in maths that got me kept behind for one of those "now I know you're only doing this to hide how upset you are" chats from the Mrs. Pearcey. The mime essentially involved playing dead, but as it was the week after the tragedy, I was generally believed to be as topical and more satirically daring than "Have I Got News For You". By me. Everyone else thought I had gone too far, and those really annoying sanctimonious girls got me told off with great glee. Whores.
approved Jan 20 2003, submitted Jan 15 2003 by Peter Marshall
A similar event occured to me after I decided it was funny that my year 6 form tutor had suffered a miscarriage.
"What's this?" I said, before curling into a ball and being very, very still.
"I dunno...what?" would come the reply. To which I would deliver the killer punchline "Miss Moreland's dead baby".
approved Mar 1 2003, submitted Jan 21 2003 by Name Withheld
I performed a version of this in an art class, which was entited 'the Jill Dando'. It was not strictly a mime because as I was lying on the floor, pretending to be dead, I was also screaming "I aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAMMm Jill Dando".
Upon seeing this Mr Addicot informed me that I was "Sick"... I reminded him that he was the one who wanted to "...give Billie Piper more than one".
approved Jun 30 2007, submitted Mar 1 2006 by Luke Smith
The Keystone Kops style chases that ensued whenever we decided to forcefeed the class diabetic jam doughnuts "for research". Another boy in our class wanted to put Tizer in his insulin. He was persuaded against it.
approved May 1 2003, submitted Dec 24 2002 by Thommo .
Chris Pankhurst's little catchphrase was Jammy Dodger. As in "you jammy dodger". Obviously, this is an awful catchphrase, and when an entire class rounded on him for saying such shit so often, he flew into a genuinely terrifying rage, and screamed "YOU JAMMY... SCORPION"

Clearly, he required the opposite of a dodger. Which is a scorpion. Clearly.
approved Oct 14 2011, submitted May 3 2004 by stuart heritage
This game involves running around "shooting" each other with "guns". Of course, having no uniforms or other way of distinguishing between the two sides you had to ask "Jap or Brit?" before shooting. Luckily, real wars are more organised, with different sides wearing easily distinguishable colours, except for spies, who wear black.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Mumbles , Jon Blyth
Jason Moody - a hopeless case. Raised on butter sandwiches (most of which he'd hurl grumpily to the ground) and given to muttering to himself as he ricocheted through life. He eventually got himself removed from mainstream education with a show-stopping performance during an R.E. lesson in which he combined shouting out the (wrong) answers to the piss-easy test we were doing and exposing himself to the girls in the front row at key moments.
approved Mar 7 2003, submitted Dec 14 2002 by nick b.
A friend of mine was habitually ridiculed by his French teacher of all people over his weight problem and alternative life style. The classroom humiliation took the form of him being asked to say he was tired in French to which he would have to reply "je suis fatty-gay". Such role reversal of cruelty was unsettling to our young minds.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Alisdair McEwan
"A moins que" was also a good way of letting stupid people announce to the class that they were wankers.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anna
Ask your attractive lady French teacher to tell you what the French verb for push is. Hearing an attractive woman say pousser - pronounced puss-ay will lead to 13.5 boys* having a misty fantasy of their teacher standing at the top of some stairs, beckoning them through some dry ice and saying do you want to see my puss-ay?.
* Class size of thirty, fifteen boys and girls, minus the ten percent of gayyors.
approved Oct 1 2004, submitted Apr 16 2004 by Richard Swan
The winner of any game of Jean-Luc Picard is the person who says "Jean-Luc Picard" last. A telephone game is quite easy, as you can just hang up after shouting it - in real life, you can't really run off because the other person will just shout "Jean Luc Picard", and it's difficult to keep shouting at each other as you walk away, and work out who heard who say "Jean Luc Picard" last.
The answer is to calmly intone "Jean-Luc Picard", then put your hands over your ears, and run away squealing. This is both dignified and mature.
approved Apr 21 2005, submitted Oct 28 2003 by Danny Wilkins
A pre-awareness method of catching AIDS (before even the interim measure of being HIV+ was known about) was to fall asleep in your jeans - something that gay people were known for in the 80s. Of course I know it's rubbish, but I'm taking no chances.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by The Fox
The origins of this one begin, and probably end, with my cousin. "There once was a man by the name of Jed, Went for a wank in a garden shed, Spunk bubbles like a black man's toothpaste" Sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Garth
Actually, there was loads more to it than that just spunk bubbles like a black man's toothpaste;

Let me tell you a story 'bout a man named Jed,
Couldn't find a toilet so he went behind a shed,
Couldn't find the bogroll so he used a bit of grass,Up popped Ellie May and shot him in the ass.
Next thing you know old Jed's in bed,

Wanking himself till his balls turned red,
erm, can't remember the rest rumtitum...
Next thing you know old Jed's a millionaire,
Selling condoms at 2p a pair,
2p, 4p, even two bob,
It all depends on the size of your knob.

Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen.
approved Jun 8 2004, submitted Dec 10 2003 by anonymous user
A more complete version of the second verse runs as follows:

Next thing you know old Jed's in bed,
Beating his meat until his dick turns red,
The door swung open, and Granny came through,
He said "Come along granny, and have a wank too".
approved Apr 14 2005, submitted Jan 6 2005 by Pogglesnatch
There was a very similar song about our amusingly incompetent Scoutmaster, also called Jed:

"Right" said Jed,
in the potting shed,
with a naked woman on his head,
with melting mars bars on her tits,
but Jed just sat there, doing shits.

This was expanded over the course of one scout camp until it had assumed Homeric proportions, but unfortunately I can only remember the first five lines.
The inspiration for this epic came from the contemporary popularity of the band 'Right Said Fred', the rumoured existence of mars bar parties (qv), and the fact that Jed was a cock. I mean, what kind of fool would just do poopy when he had a naked woman sitting on his head?
approved Apr 28 2005, submitted Apr 27 2005 by anonymous user
Jelly cubes - the kind that your mum dissolves in boiling water to make a Sunday treat - can be moistened with spit to make cheap alternatives to those sticky octopuses that crawl down windows, leaving a pleasing smear.
approved Feb 12 2003, submitted Dec 27 2002 by Phil Glansvile
i was eating the jelly us poor kids on free school dinners got after the fish fingers, chips and (cold)mushy peas, when i looked up at the Gypo kid( he really was, he had a caravan and everything)sitting across from me, and saw my jelly on his face. Not literally, See, this kid had such a spotty red face and it looked just like the school dinner jelly where it hadn't melted in the water peoperly leaving blobs of red, thus resulting in an exact replica of this scabs face. I never ate school jelly after that as it just didn't taste the same, all i could taste was puss and sh*t. What a bastard though, you know, like it was'nt bad enough i was poor and couldn't afford my own food, he had to deprive me of the free food aswell. So take note spotty kids, (and Gypos) poor kids are hungry!
approved Mar 15 2006, submitted Mar 8 2006 by anonymous user
Satirical verse coming in two forms. Either;
Jesus Christ, Superstar
Went round the corner on a Yamaha (also Jaguar, motor car)
Did a skid,
Killed a kid,
Went back to heaven on a dustbin lid.
The idea that Jesus would come to Earth, cause death by reckless driving, then return to heaven - naturally enough - on a flying dustbin lid, was cheerfully sacreligous. Another version;
Jesus Christ, Superstar,
Wears frilly knickers and a Wonderbra
Was more directly and punishably blasphemous.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
An alternative ending involves the removal of Christ's testicles by the dustbin lid:

#Jesus Christ, superstar, drove 'round to school in a Yamaha, did a skid, killed a kid, chopped off his balls with a dustbin lid#
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 14 2002 by Andrew Tyers
Our version was similar:
Jesus Christ, Superstar,
Went round the corner in a Jaguar.
Did a skid, killed a kid,
Chopped off his bollocks on a dustbin lid.

You'll notice that the use of the word "bollocks" improves the metre of the last line, which makes this the definitive version of the tune. And I won't have anyone else say that it's not. Because it is.
approved Dec 15 2002, submitted Dec 14 2002 by Phil Glansvile
Our version was more openly inviting of homoeroticism... and a touch of CBT:

Jesus Christ, superstar
Came down from heaven on a Yamaha
He pulled a skid, killed a kid
Trapped his balls in a dustbin lid
When I die, bury me
Hang my balls in a cherry tree
approved Dec 15 2002, submitted Dec 15 2002 by Name Withheld
OK, that's more than enough of that - any more entries to this category and we'll have to send royalties to Lloyd Webber.
approved Dec 15 2002, submitted Dec 15 2002 by Phil Glansvile
I'm afraid there is more. In the Lincoln area, after Jesus has paralysed his bollocks on a dustbin lid, it continues:
'When I die, bury me,
Hang my bollocks on a cherry tree.
When they're ripe, take a bite,
But don't blame me if you fart all night.'
A version imported from Yorkshire was:
'When I die, bury me,
Hang my bollocks on a cherry tree.
If they grow, let me know,
'Cause I'll be listening on the radio.'
The practicalities of grafting human testicles onto a cherry tree, or of gaining radio airtime for an announcement concerning their progress, were not considered, although it is somewhat impressive that in the former version, the lyricist took steps to protect himself against any flatulence-related legal proceedings.
approved Jan 31 2003, submitted Jan 29 2003 by Bobs Meryll
Jesus Christ, Superstar,
Went down the road in a yellow car,
Cops were there,
But he didnt care,
Cos he had bullet-proof underwear.

Makes Jesus sound a bit like a secret-agent fugitive. But then I went to a Catholic school, where Jesus was considered a lot harder than at yours.
('Cos the thing Jesus needs most is bullet-proof underwear, what with all the shagging he did. "Oh no, my cock-end's been whipped off by a bullet! Now I'll never be able to live a celibate life of perfection and virtue!"
I put it to you, Catholic, that your Jesus had already had his cock shot off, and only asked his dad to make bumming a sin in the Old Testament because he tried it once and didn't like it.
I... I'm sorry. Where was I? - Log)
approved Oct 26 2004, submitted Oct 25 2004 by Nick Kent