The Law of the Playground
the letter j
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A religious alternative to crossing the streams.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nath Scott
To a male Christian:
A : "Do you love Jesus?"
B : "Yes"
C : "AAAAH AAAAAH UUURGH EEWW EEEEE YOU'RE GAY!!!!!!!"
Also consider "Do you have Jesus In You?"
approved Jul 13 2004, submitted Feb 9 2004 by Ed Boucher
The Bank of Jerusalem had it's South London branch in the playground of St Catherine's, Morden.
One day after it had rained, a few people, destined to become founders of this esteemed financial institution decided to rid themselves of their coppers/ loose change by throwing them into a particularly large, muddy puddle. It was then christened 'The Bank of Jerusalem' under the apprehension that it would never need to provide anyone with a withdrawal. This went on for a few days, the bank's profits were on the verge of 5, as various investors showed off their stauts by making deposits of ever increasing sizes. The puddle was diminishing in size as time went by, thereby becoming all the more muddy, as it's lower depths began to be revealed.
Sean Garrity obviously saw himself as an enterprising blagger and decided (one breaktime)to liberate the funds from the BoJ to the horror of it's customers and all gathered. The lucre may have been filthy, but it was his !

approved Nov 11 2003, submitted Nov 11 2003 by OpE _
Anti-semitic yes, but we didn't mean it like that. If PE was cancelled, the assembled class of 60-ish boys would spend 2 hours in stuffed into a classroom, "supervised" without fail by an inept teacher. To liven things up, someone would roll a 1p piece to the front of the class. When the teacher noticed it and picked it up, the whole class would stand up and scream "JEW!" at her. I feel ashamed to have been a part of this, but you should have seen her face.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Steve McDonald
Taking this definition a step further, "Jew!" was a game played in our grounds. All the younger kids would gather in the tennis court. At this point they'd be locked in by big kids. Now the older kids take turn at throwing pennies into the tennis court. To 'win' you have to rescue the penny from your other friends in the tennis court. This penny is your ride to freedom, without a penny you will stay in the tennis courts forever, or until the bell rings, whichever comes first. Fun game, but a lot of kids got hurt.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Alex Lee
'jew run' - a footballing term describing the glory-seeking pitch-length run of the boy who wanted to score the goal.
Thus, if someone selfishly hogged the ball it was called a 'jew run'.
In my innocence, I always assumed that what was being said was 'due', as in 'due respect'. It was only recently that I discovered the anti-semitic overtones of our playground taunts. Obviously I pissed myself.
approved Mar 9 2003, submitted Feb 25 2003 by anonymous user
'jewish flick' - another semitic footballing term. This refers to an attempt to control a ball that is behind you by bending your knee and raising your foot to around arse-height. Almost always unsuccessful.

Popular in the playgrounds of North London, hence the name, which is consequently not actually anti-Semitic. Consequently, not actually that funny.
approved Oct 21 2003, submitted Oct 9 2003 by anonymous user
In Yorkshire, 'Jewish' was a synonym for lucky. For example, if one received a chopper for Christmas, you were a Jewish bastard. Similarly 'Jew' could be used as a verb, as in one could 'Jew' a lucky goal. In addition, if one procured goods or services free of charge you could be said to have 'Jewed' them. This was also interchangeable for cheating, especially on your friends; you just jewed me out of my dinner money!
Why having the end of your cock chopped off at birth was considered lucky is beyond me.
approved Aug 21 2005, submitted Aug 20 2005 by space monkey
Combination of the bundle (a.k.a. pile on, all pile on, bundlefly project) and the jewfinder general technique of rolling a penny along the floor. The picker up of the penny is the jew - and everyone jumps on them. A harsher version is where the penny is thrown at the potential Jew, and they are covered in boys if it hits them.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Paul Heath
At nine years old, word reached our rural primary school of the existence of amazing characters called 'Jews'. David Nichol explained: they looked just like you and me - the only difference being that if you threw a penny at them, they would pick it up.

Word got around about these Jews, in utter isolation from reality. Those two worlds colliding during a Nativity service, when James Dunlop read from the New Testament. He managed to finish 'he shall be King of the Jews' before collapsing into laughter, along with the angels and choir.
approved Nov 11 2003, submitted Nov 4 2003 by anonymous user
Pre-school antisemetic insult, used irrespective of religious belief or the jewishness of the persons mother. Probably not to be used after the age of five, in case people think of you as a little childish.
approved Jul 28 2003, submitted Jul 22 2003 by Si Field
'Jimmy is Satan' was written in 8-foot-high letters on the wall of the sports hall wall one day. They resisted all attempts to remove them. On a clear day they glowed.

They were rumoured to be the work of school nutcase Archie, who had previously achieved fame by burning a huge 'shit happens' face on the cricket square with weedkiller.

'Jimmy' may have been a reference to the deputy head, an indestructible 80-year-old Welshman who climbed mountains and got stung by a scorpion with no ill-effects.

Prophetic warning or drug-addled nightmare? The police weren't sympathetic in the end. Archie is now in prison.
approved Jul 3 2005, submitted Jul 2 2005 by Andy Goat
This would be the same Mr James that bawled me out when I cheered on the fire engines when they turned up one day. The graffiti wasn't there before I was kicked out, but I have seen it. The person that did it is right as well. Jimmy was indeed a cunt.
approved Jun 5 2006, submitted Jan 12 2006 by anonymous user
The last person's voice to completely break can be mocked for sounding like Jimmy Saville; forget that two weeks ago the classroom sounded like some demented Saville menagerie.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matt Pomroy
Whilst the wobbling voice of the male teenager going through 'the change' is undoubtedly hilarious, it is much funnier when it happens to a 13-year old girl with the build of a Greco-Roman wrestler, who then goes on to get engaged to a 40-year old computer programmer at the age of 15. Rock on, Charlotte.
approved Jul 3 2005, submitted Jul 2 2005 by Andy Goat
A game in which you and a friend take adjacent elevators to the top floor of a building, agreeing that when you get there you will jump out and shout "jingo bingo!" without even looking. It is a race, but there are never any hard feelings; somehow the shouting of "jingo bingo!" reduces the competitive edge. Plus, if it is a draw you both get to jump out of lifts shouting "jingo bingo" together, which is a rare pleasure. If you win the race but do not shout "jingo bingo!" then you lose - you should shout it loud enough for your opponent to hear you in their lift.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
I'm submitting this because I keep trying to jinx people, and they either don't know what I'm talking about, or stubbornly refuse to stop talking until I say their full name.
So, this is the deal, right? If we say the same thing at the same time, I get to say jinx. And that means you can't talk until I say your name. If you do talk, I get to punch your arm. OK? So don't look all hurt and angry when I punch you. You broke a jinx, you deserve it.
Consider this posting a formal notice, served to the world.
approved Apr 21 2005, submitted Oct 9 2003 by Jon Blyth
And another thing, if I ask you a really easy question, then say the answer at the same time, then shout JINX at you, don't say "well why did you ask me if you know the answer, and why did you just shout jinx?"
Because if you DO say that, you'll be talking whilst jinxed, and by GOD, I will punch you. (In the arm.)
approved Apr 21 2005, submitted Oct 9 2003 by Jon Blyth
The jinxee, during the jinx, has the lifeline of escaping the curse of silence by anticipating what the jinxer is going to say and saying the same thing, negating the original jinx. This is more difficult when jinxed because you can't feed questions which might produce predictable results, and if you get it wrong, you get punched. The consequence of this rule is some pretty surreal conversations between the non-jinxed as they try to avoid saying anything that could be remotely guessable. This is also abusable by the original jinxer;
What do you call those people who make bread? Oh, now I remember, and I'm going to say the word after three. 3. 2. 1.
Jinxee, being stupid, says baker.
Jinxer says 'Jeff' at the same time and punches jinxer.
approved Apr 21 2005, submitted Oct 10 2003 by Matt Fasham
'American Jinx (Touch Wood)'
A slightly more complex version of jinx. when a jinxing opportunity arises, shout 'american jinx, touch wood'. The first person to find some wood and touch it may punch the other person on the arm. Normal jinx rules then apply.
approved Apr 21 2005, submitted Oct 13 2003 by Richard Swan
French Jinx
I have it from a very reliable source that when a jinx arises in french playgrounds they say "you shall be cuckolded before I".
Nobody wants to be cuckolded - not because it's the fearsome prospect of being married to an unfaithful wife; more because it sounds like it's got "cock" and "hole" in it, and is therefore referring to the fearsome prospect of your unfaithful mum.
approved Nov 29 2005, submitted Oct 27 2003 by anonymous user
Double Jinx, Padlock Jinx
If both children say 'jinx' at the same time, then one can declare 'double jinx', requiring the first and last name of the jinxee to be spoken to break the jinx. If both children say 'double jinx' at the same time, this opens the 'padlock jinx', which requires the full name, including all middle names, to be spoken before the jinx was broken.
No-one really bothers with Padlock Jinx, as most people would rather take a beat in the arm than wait until their full name is spoken, especially if their middle name is Adalard, Swimbank or Cakbot2000.
approved Apr 21 2005, submitted Feb 6 2004 by Name Withheld
Girls are shit at jinx, because they refuse to stop talking when you jinx them - about the new range of Scrunchies in Claire's Accessories, 87% of the time - and act all gay and go "ow" when you punch them in the arm.
Has anyone else noticed that "ow" is "mo" upside-down? Proof positive. Poof positive. Poof HIV positive. Like your dad. - Log
approved Apr 21 2005, submitted Dec 8 2004 by Harry Nice
Replacement for "cheers". See also "fuck you very much".
approved Sep 26 2003, submitted Sep 26 2003 by Rob Young
Jebus is the son of Jod. If you disobey Jebus' teachings you will go to Jell, although a place in Jeaven waits for the virtuous. The religion's primary text features characters such as Joses, and Jubus, from whom important lessons can be learned about the human condition. Eventually, after long weeks of meditation and spiritual contemplation, I became Jobo, the Hobo Son of Jod Almighty.
approved Sep 11 2003, submitted Aug 16 2003 by harri kershaw
Gayvid Dadd's small moment of fame was when we realised his name sounded a tiny bit like god, and we were servants to his every whim for a few days. Then we just beat him up again.
approved Oct 21 2003, submitted Oct 20 2003 by griff .
Well, it seems that you can't believe that someone called Gayvid Dadd got off so lightly...
"Sums up the Welsh, that. You get a manna-from- heaven name like 'Gayvid Dadd', and the best you sheep-shagging lackwits can come up with is 'sounds a bit like God'". (sane man)
Bit racist, Sane Man, but a point fairly made. Matt Fasham takes the baton...
"With a name like Gayvid Dadd, I'm amazed that anyone bothered to take the piss out of the fact that his name sounded a bit like 'jod' or 'god'. That name is already so pregnant with potential humour that it has burst right out of its maternity dress like a huge beached whale crashing through a tarpaulin. Unless, of course, Gayvid wasn't his real name. Maybe it was David, and had already been corrupted. Hadn't thought of that. Even so." (Matt Fasham)
I thought I'd check for Gayvid Dadd on the internet, and the only result outside of this website is this photo, titled "Gayvid Dadd Is Possessed by Satan".

So there you go. We have a Gayvid Dadd (or a David Gadd, which seems depressingly likely), whose only bullying - it would seem - was to be called "God".
Are YOU a Gayvid Dadd? The LotP team would like to talk to you. Please get in touch immediately.
approved Jul 12 2004, submitted Oct 29 2003 by Matt Fasham, sane man, Jon Blyth
Early-mid 1980's figure of tragedy and fun. See here.
approved Dec 9 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
An attempt by a teacher to stop people using Joey as an insult was actually quite successful. As Joey had gone on to succeed despite his condition, this meant that calling Matthew a "Joey" was actually a compliment. He was promptly re-christened "Spastic Matthew", before he left the school.
approved May 1 2003, submitted Jan 22 2003 by hans blohm
A fine game for four players, helped if the fourth player is an unwitting stooge. The first player would herald a new game by saying "Joey A-con". A rush would then ensue to get in "Joey B-con" and "Joey C-con". The player left with "Joey D-con" would be roundly subjected to various spacker noises and comedy flailing hands.
approved May 7 2003, submitted Mar 7 2003 by Ottoman Nodge
aCTUALLY HAD A JOEY DEACON AT ME SCHOOL, HE WAS AND ALL, AND HE USED TO COME TO SCHOOL AND GO HOME IN A GREEN AMBULANCE

(Playgroundlaw Uncovered: We've left this submission unedited so you can see why it takes three grown adults, a bumper box of Lustral and a bottle of Tequila Ros to edit all your submissions into something reasonable. Remember, its the fish John West reject that makes John Wests fish the best. Or something. The Team)
approved May 6 2003, submitted Apr 9 2003 by The Wolfbagger
Same idea as Ottoman's, but we'd first start with "joe-a", "joe-b" etc. Happless victim ends up with "joe-e". After much laughter and pointing, we'd move on to round 2 - "a-con" etc. The victim usually half cottoned on, so your mates'd leave a slight pause after "c-con". Victim usually jumped at chance of getting in early (or so they thought) to beat mate no 5 and shouts "d-con". Double the laughter and pointing.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Sep 11 2003 by anonymous user
An interesting, if not particularly amusing, historical footnote...

The name Joey also morphed to suggest 'man-servant' or 'slave'. If, for example, you were good enough to respond to a schoolmate's request to pass the tomato sauce, you were more likely to be met with a sarky "cheers, Joey" than a "thank you very much". Even if the recipient responded gratefully, the rest of your mates would ask "what are you... his Joey?"

approved Mar 23 2006, submitted Feb 14 2006 by Derek Moseley
John Doyle - a stereotypical heavy-metal kid with long, greasy hair, unwashed, would have loved Red Dwarf right up to series seven, and who spent ten minutes in front of his wardrobe every morning, deciding which of his 25 identical Motorhead T-Shirts to wear.
  1. Whilst dating a girl, he was invited to dinner at her parents. Becoming excited, John enquired of his lady companion - "Can you feel my lovebuzz?"
  2. With the same girlfriend, he went to some forest on her birthday. They were sitting down talking when suddenly, he stands up, cock out, with a boner and shouts "HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He then proceeds to chase girlfriend round the forest with his boner, probably all sped up with 'Yakkety Sax' playing in the background.
  3. He would only ever phone you whilst taking a shit or having a bath. Which would you prefer? The splash of turd 'gainst wawa? Or the idea that he might be tugging idly at his balls and thinking "HELLOOOOOOOOOOO!"?
  4. My mate Ray went to John's house. His mother had a French friend over, called Pierre. John didn't know him. When Ray went to use the unlocked toilet, he discovered John's mum and Pierre have a bath together; giggling, soapy, nude and entirely unapologetic. John explained that it happened all the time. Not the bath thing... his mother having friends over.
  5. On a non-uniform day, Doyle made a T-shirt which was spattered in faux-blood and had "PEOPLE HATE ME" written across the front. There is not one person in any school that could pull off that T-shirt without looking, and being told that they looked, a cunt.
Half of these stories are thanks to the fact that girls dating John usually felt so ashamed at the end of it that they had to tell everyone all the stories, as a kind of confessional.
approved Apr 15 2005, submitted Jan 29 2005 by Luke Tansey
Another attender at St Augustines Kilburn. Where do I start? A true legend. He was slightly deaf (so everyone used to call him John PARDON!), he claimed his cousin was the sax player in Spandau Ballet. He claimed to have two "little sisters" who were to blame for him forgetting his PE kit, and taking a long time to return things you'd lent him. This turned out to be a lie. We used to keep telling him his dog was dead and he sometimes used to believe it and go and ask to phone his Mum to check. Once wet himself whilst queuing up to throw a javelin. He used to know the name of every capital city of every country but would always get fooled by Mexico (Mexico city). We ended up making country names to baffle him. He would freak out if you tried to talk to him and he couldn't see your mouth (to do with deafness?) so the whole of the 5th year was spent with people going up to him with their blazers hiding their mouths and mumbling "Your dogs dead". He got revenge by turning up four years later at random times every saturday for about 3 months. He's spend about three hours talking crap and would always borrow something (or leave something behind) so he had an excuse to come back. He stopped coming after my sister told him I'd run away from home (despite my scooter being parked in front of the house). Last seen in one the top dance music shops in London where he asked them if they had "the living years" by Mike and the Mechanics. He was told to "fuck off to our price". Was learning to be a london cabbie when I last heard from him.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ian Hepworth
And indeed he did, constantly.

He also once asked me to look behind his cupboard as he had "something special" for me. It was a turd. His turd. He proudly stated that he had done it there earlier that day as a thoughtful surprise gift for me.

I took great joy telling my friend this after she drunkenly snogged him 12 years later. She refused to confirm if he tasted of snotters.

Sigh. I KNOW. - Mansh

approved Mar 24 2008, submitted Sep 16 2006 by anonymous user
The year - between 1987 and 1989. Still reeling from the revelations of Cerebral Palsy (see Joey Deacon), John's Not Mad gave us Tourette's Syndrome.
It followed the life of a boy who simply couldn't stop swearing, thanks to a disease. As it was educational, none of the swearing was censored. His mother dropped a plant pot and spilled some soil - John came out with "mum, you cunt". The supermarket scenes were also a gutter treat.
At this time, state-sanctioned crudity was rare, and we loved it.
John was locked into the cupboard by his teacher because he wouldn't stop swearing. This is even funnier - imagine an OFSTED inspection with a cupboard that is wobbling and swearing!
Inspector : What is in that cupboard?
Teacher : It is a wobbling swearing cupboard, like the wobbling swearing plant out of The Adventure Game.
Inspector : Very good. Take it out and burn it.
Teacher : But... but...
Inspector : But nothing - burn it now! Here are the matches, burn it now in front of me!
Teacher : OK. I suppose.
The day after John's Not Mad was the filthiest day of playground talk I can ever recall. It is still surprising that so many children actually watched a documentary... To hear scenes, click here.
approved Dec 9 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Brilliantly, John of John's Not Mad fame was on This Morning...er, this morning screeching and flailing as he promoted the DVD of the show, on which he provides a bonus commentary track.
Way to reclaim the humour for yourself, fella. Buy it here.
You might also like to review the DVD.
approved Mar 27 2004, submitted Feb 2 2004 by Darren Curtis
Another name for a circumcised boy, the foreskin being 50% of the weight, volume, and joy of the male sexual organ, or winkle.
approved Feb 14 2003, submitted Jan 18 2003 by RL M
Our PE teacher described the rugby team from our local Catholic school as 'the johnnydodgers.' Although we knew damn well what a Johnny was, we lacked a subtle appreciation of the Vatican's view on contraception, and so were mystified, frankly.
approved Jul 25 2005, submitted Jun 21 2005 by RL M