The Law of the Playground
the letter j
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If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit join our club!
But on joining this club, you didn't get a chocolate biscuit, or an after school activity. And it was 50p to join and you could only join when asked by another member. In fact, all you did was march around the playground with linked arms trying to get more people to give 50p to Dennis Chambers.
approved Oct 17 2006, submitted Oct 3 2006 by unidentified user
1. verb. To get entirely inside a massive coat and rolling down a hill.

2. From jostle. Surges of hundreds of schoolchildren through a narrow corridor. All wanting to get to class on time, but on the other hand, all wanting to kill each other. Ideal for gettin a good grope in.
approved Nov 25 2003, submitted Nov 24 2003 by Richard Galbraith
The regularity of Torr & Torridge's calamities led to every journey being known as a roulette of death and calamity.
  • The giant rear side window falling out after being slightly leant on.
  • We ended up at a 45 degree angle in a ditch, for no better reason than the driver was just crap.
  • We hit the support strut for a porch, which promptly fell down. Needless to say, the driver didn't stop. Or make any gesture of acknowledgement.
  • The driver pulled out in front of one of those tractors with the huge spike on the front, which ripped down the entire side of the bus.
    Thanks, Torr and Torridge, for dozens of scenes of mild peril.
approved Dec 21 2004, submitted Dec 11 2004 by anonymous user
No definition offered.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Bobby Spuggets
One particularly inept maths teacher once mistakenly announced while trying to explain the wonders of 'volume': 'Now here I have drawn a pair of jugs on the board. You will note that one is larger than the other...'
Teacher exits stage left, hilarity ensues.
approved Jun 27 2005, submitted Jun 22 2005 by Em Bird
Ripe abuse-fodder Julian was unfailingly clean and tidy, spoke respectfully to teachers, did his homework on time, passed his exams, and practiced playing the cello in his lunchbreaks. By the age of 14, he was also a Karate expert.
Julian became a cult hero to the rest of the geeks, as inevitable attempts by the school bullies to disrupt his cello practice were met with near-lethal force.
Legend has it that Bruce Lee was captain of the school chess team. Chuck Norris often voluntered to stay behind after lessons and clean the blackboard properly with a wet cloth. - Ponky

approved Apr 28 2005, submitted Nov 29 2004 by Tom Brown
Our very own bully magnet was Roland Price, who had blue-white skin, weirdly red lips and took private ballet lessons. Playground beatings were a regular event, until the day Roland took the bull by the horns and performed a classical ballet routine in front of the entire school at morning assembly.
The unanimous respect that followed him thereafter could perhaps be put down to his astonishing gall, or possibly to the fact that performing in tights revealed Roland as the possessor of an impressively large dong.
approved Oct 23 2005, submitted Sep 27 2005 by anonymous user
My imaginary girlfriend, possessed of psychic abilities and thus more interesting than everyone else's imaginary girlfriends, who were invariably nymphomaniac supermodels.

In an ironic twist, the bitch dumped me when she discovered I was thinking about other women.
approved Apr 20 2003, submitted Apr 7 2003 by Name Withheld
A Trevor or Bronno who wears the clothes of others. Usually inferred from overt signs of poverty (tousled hair, Blue Riband biscuits), as it was hard to tell from the clothes themselves.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Daz Aldridge
A game which takes place after a child has been sick in the sandpit. Cover the sick in sand, and jump over the sick, again and again, screaming and imagining what it'd be like if you landed in the sick. It'd be really gross and exciting like fannies.

A less playful variant involved rolling a child in the sick.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Barbara
Two people would grab a smaller boy and pin him to the ground. One would sit on his chest whilst the other held his hands. Then there would be a terrible fire in the jungle which was just to the left of Philip and all the animals would have to escape across the only bridge, which was Phil's chest. First of all came the ants which were relatively painless. Then the mice and so on up to the elephants whose heavy feet caused a lot of sternum damage. Among the best escapees were the lions and tigers with their sharp claws and the kamikaze butterflies who would hover for a while before crashing with sickening force. Also very painful were the electric nipple-cripple ants who only came along in extended versions of Jungle Beats.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Lee Nelson
A: [puts 2 tips of index fingers together] "Cut the wire."
B: [separates the "wires" with his index finger]
A: "Your bum's on fire."
approved Apr 13 2005, submitted Oct 24 2004 by anonymous user
In response to the ruling of the cool kids that all boys had to support a football team, Gareth Gurd, a spoddy kid who knew nothing of cool or football, panicked. Thinking on his feet, he announced that he supported "Junkmey Rovers".
This ruse may have worked had he not attempted to converse with the cool kids about Junkmey's results. He finally came undone when he stated to Martin Bradshaw that they had recently thrashed Martin's team 15-nil.
And thus Junkmey Rovers, in spite of having no ground, players, kit or in fact existence of any kind, still had a fan who got his head kicked in on their behalf.
approved Aug 1 2005, submitted Aug 1 2005 by Tony Green
When said to a bearded teacher, will result in at least one detention. Come to think of it, you'd probably get a detention from a teacher without a beard, although they would probably look a little confused.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matt Fasham
Advice given to my entire senior school on how to deal with bullies. In a folder. With instructions. Quote...
"If someone is bullying you or making you feel bad, just shout no! at them as loud, and as long as you can. Try practicing this in front of a mirror."
"If this doesn't work, go and tell a teacher, who will take you and the bully to the head, where you will both be questioned."
Worst - advice - ever. Especially considering that the bullies were given the same folder. The bullies must have dreamed of the day that a runt would scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" at them. Or better still, find the runt practicing in front of a mirror. Adults are shit.
approved Jul 10 2004, submitted Apr 24 2004 by Mistress Bunny