The Law of the Playground
the letter l
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A flawless system of truancy detection.
Missing a class would involve its teacher writing your name and details of your crime on a yellow piece of paper.
(Lemon Slips sounded infinitely more menacing than yellow paper, though - both effete and mysterious, you can imagine the shudders running down a gentleman's spine.)
These lemon slips were sent to the school secretary, and they were then inserted in the register each morning.
Registers were then left completely unguarded in every form room for a 15 minute period ahead of registration, every day.
There was very little reported truancy at my school.
approved Apr 22 2005, submitted Oct 13 2004 by Conor Franklin
A man who would tempt boys with Dime Bars, then grab them around the neck and rub his knuckles into their head. Girls, however, he would grope and try to pull their jumpers up. Which was nice. A load of 5th years let his tyres down once, and he chased them with a baseball bat.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Tombolian
Leo was two years older than me and liked to take amyl nitrate so as to make anal sex easier. After one such session, he managed rather skilfully to curl an enormous turd around the seat of one of the toilets. This was a very traditional boarding school and since I was in the bottom year, as a "fag" I was called upon to remove the offending poo. I was able to do so successfully by using a silver trowel that the Queen Mum had used to lay the foundation stone to one of our school buildings. Eight years later my brother was at the same school and told me about the apocryphal "Legend of Leo's Log" little knowing that (a) it was a true story and that (b) I had been the one who'd had to clean up the foul mess.

Possibly this is made up. I don't care. A silver trowel! My sides are bursting with class outrage! Like an episode of Citizen Smith! Sadly this submission came anonymously but whoever you are, we salute you and your shitty past. You're head of ICI now aren't you?
approved May 2 2003, submitted Apr 3 2003 by Name Withheld, anonymous user
This reminds me of 'The Turd'. I was a first year, still wet behind the ears, and with a smaller cock that may or may not have had pubes, I cannot remember. Upon entering the toilet for a nervous, wide-eyed, innocent piss, I came across an enormous crowd of 4th years laughing like drains. Tall, scary, drains. I didn't know why, so I snuck in a cubicle to do wee. This turned out to be a mistake.

Inside the bowl was, quite simply, the biggest shit I have ever seen in my life. It made you wince just to look at it. It was ridiculous - eye-fucking in its impossibly monstrous dimensions. A note taped to the cistern read "Property of ***** - do not flush!" (The stars are there because I cannot recall the name, not to preserve the dignity of the Bearer - I imagine they had little in the first place)

Well, here was a to-do. I needed wee bad, but here was a massive assausage stopping me. The sensible thing to do would have been to go somewhere else to piss - but back then I still had a small amount of pride, and somehow it seemed so WRONG to have my life dictated by a big shit rather than Fate. I got out cock and pissed. Hollers from outside the cubicle accompanied the golden stream's slow-motion journey towards the bowl, brown whale waiting, glinting, silently. I zipped up, sweating and scared.

Flushing would be a step too far - although a small part of my mind, rational despite the panic, piped up to say "Flushing? Are you fucking joking? Nothing less than a controlled explosion is even going to DENT that fucker."
I took a deep breath (not too deep) and decided to act like a manchild. I would have to be proud of my decision to sully the waters of the BumTrout. I calmly opened the cubicle door, and met the accusatory stares of a dozen lads.

"He pissed on The Turd!" bellowed one, pointing.

"I didn't flush it!" I wailed. Then I ran. I never saw The Turd again.
approved Oct 22 2003, submitted Oct 17 2003 by Raz .
There's more, actually: a second Turd, which was at the time unnamed. I don't know how big this one was, only that it was in the wrong place. A surprise assembly was called for all the boys in the school, and as we filed in, the rumour spread like wildfire that the reason for it was because 'Someone done a shit on the floor in one of the toilets!'

Certainly Mr Stonely didn't look in a good mood. An assembly about a poo; this was a new one, and everyone was excited, the greyness of yet another schoolday suddenly livened up with a splash of colour (brown).
When asked for silence the congregated boys became quiet in record time, because teacher was possibly about to talk about poos. Mr Stonely looked uncomfortable. "On Thursday night..." Tarrant-like pause. "Someone...did not use the pan in the correct manner." Peals of laughter rang around the room, squeals from 1st years, grunts from 5th years. Stonely was not amused; in fact, he was LIVID that people were laughing at him talking about poos.

Singling out a random boy in the middle of the hall, he pointed and shouted (his voice breaking with emotion like a hormonal adolescent) "YOU! YOU'RE EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! GET OUT!" I don't know whether he meant that he thought the boy had done the poo, or whether he was comparing the boy TO a poo. On a floor.

That was that, anyway. To this day I really don't know why they had an assembly about it; they can't have thought they were really going to catch the pooer like this. Like bent cops in a clichd movie, they simply laid the blame on someone who looked as though he might have had the capacity to do a poo on a floor.
approved Oct 24 2003, submitted Oct 23 2003 by Raz .
Mr Vallelly called all the boys in the school into an assembly. There must have been 750 of us, wondering what we had done to deserve this special gathering. Vallelly paced around the stage, red faced and visibly fuming.
Finally, he exploded: "Somebody has been spreading EXCRETA on the walls of the boys toilets..."
At this point, his perception of himself as fearsome and authoritative evaporated, as every boy in the hall burst out laughing, and started saying, shouting, singing, excreta.
It's not every day you learn a new word for poo.
approved Oct 13 2004, submitted Oct 24 2003 by Robert Rankin
Please don't take this entry as an invitation to tell us about any adult bumshits you done or done see. So, if you found a poo while working for the Guardian (nice story, thanks), or simply crimped off a monster this morning and wanted to share (thanks, * Penski), they probably won't make it in.
Take it to the Forum.
approved Dec 17 2003, submitted Oct 29 2003 by Jon Blyth
In primary school, we had an assembly about a serial shitter. He had pooed three times, like a fairy tale. Once on the foor, once in the urinal and once in the sink.

In the end, if was discovered that it was a Year 1 pupil who'd done it, which was a bit of a let-down. We'd previously assumed it was a work of genius, but knowing a five-year-old had done it just seemed childish.
approved Oct 3 2011, submitted Nov 4 2003 by Luke Tansey
The Leo's Log story reminds me of 'The Mummy'. The Mummy was a legendarily large poo that my friend laid in the toilet at school. Being at a private school, we were well trained in flushing the toilet after using it, so the thought of leaving the turd in the bowl for all to see was disgusting to him. And rightly so, for who but the most filthy comprehensive school pupils would not flush a toilet?
Since the turd had a good six inches protruding from the water, he wrapped his hand liberally with toilet paper, reached in, and rescued it. He wrapped it up in reams of toilet paper and smuggled it out to the playground.
He then proceeded to show us what at first glance could have been a baby mummy snatched straight out of the Egyptian Room at the British Museum. But no, to our even greater delight, he unravelled the wrapping to reveal a firm, long, and generally mammoth turd.
approved Apr 24 2005, submitted Nov 8 2003 by anonymous user
My father has worked in a fair few educational insitutions during his career as a primary school teacher.
And in each one, the phenomenon of the 'phantom shitter' has always presented itself. Its a queer thing, but apparently if a kid (it's mostly boys, if that shocks anyone) is having some kind of problem at home, or with social interaction, or whatever, they often take to laying pipes in inapropriate places, or smearing it everywhere, or both.
So, it's not uncommon, and should signal a strong warning sign to teachers that the child has emotional problems. To put it another way, some kid is utterly fucked-up, and seriously needs his twisted face rubbing in it, the filthy shit-easy freak.
approved Oct 13 2004, submitted Nov 10 2003 by Dan Morgan
It may be mostly boys who shit everywhere, but we had a phantom tampon and sani pad spreader. This might have been one girl, two highly specialised competitors, or a boy trying to frame all womanhood, which would quite frankly be typical.
This is particularly unpleasant if you leave them in the middle of the playground in summer, and your school is in Mombasa. Where mine was.
approved Oct 13 2004, submitted Oct 13 2004 by anonymous user
Graham Barnes was a very special boy. He had to have an orange for dessert at lunch because normal puddings like angel delight or jelly would DO things to him. He was pale, thin and quiet.

One day he got up from his chair and walked out of class. A few intrigued souls stuck their heads round the door to be treated to the sight of him shuffling down the corridor with his trousers down, leaving a breadcrumb-esque trail of little poos behind him.

Graham moved to a different school. Many years later I boarded the bus to college and sat down, to be greeted by his smiling face and a jolly "Y'alright?"

I, naturally, could only respond with "don't talk to me, poo-boy!"
approved Oct 26 2011, submitted Jul 30 2005 by Gotty Gotty
Some people (specifically Ceri Govan) may be so amused to find out that sometimes leprosy causes sufferers noses to drop off, that they laugh out loud for a full 15 minutes and are sent to sit on their own at the back of the room for the rest of the year.
approved Oct 3 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Paul Heath
The drain in the middle of our playground always used to always have a layer of slimy mud-crust swilling around it.
The dirtiest person in the school was deemed to own this drain - after maintaining this ownership for several weeks, Leslie eventually had the swamp named after her.
If you were pushed into her swamp, then you were forced to marry Leslie. This made you one of Leslie's Lezzies - if you were a girl. Boys just became her regular husband, which made them gay. Because even skiddy boys' bums were cleaner than Leslie's toxic shock factory.
approved Nov 11 2004, submitted Nov 8 2004 by Gareth May
The name of the mythical hairdresser where Miss Harris had her hair cut very short.
approved Dec 1 2006, submitted Sep 21 2006 by stink lines
Lessebo is a locality and the seat of Lessebo Municipality, Kronoberg County, Sweden. It had 2,623 inhabitants in 2005.

It's also the name of the IKEA sofa that your mum likes to sit on when she's making out with Sandy Toksvig.
approved Nov 10 2011, submitted Nov 10 2011 by Jon Blyth
In true Derek Bentley style, the school hooligan did, and instead of handing over the hat cracked my mate Chris's head on the playground.

approved Jan 19 2004, submitted Jan 16 2004 by Name Withheld
Another example of highly encourageable simple children. Timmy Long was a special needs kid at our primary school who would, if you chanted "Let's Go Timmy Long!", start to run around the playing field in ever decreasing circles, until he reached a point where he would be spinning in a circle.
As a finale, he'd collapse and have to be taken home.
approved May 1 2003, submitted Apr 4 2003 by Name Withheld
The female equivalent of bum chums. Apparently, let's be friends sounds just like lesbians. Doesn't it.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Karl Neilson
A series of GCSE revision books. Owning any book in the series was an admission of being an overenthusiastic gaymosexual bumdoctor.
approved Feb 15 2005, submitted Jan 12 2005 by Ponky Ponk
Kid A : Lezbie friends. Kid B : Homo you don't. There's lots more but I can't remember it.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Laurence Ghafur
The next line is;
"Durexpect me to believe that"
approved Feb 3 2003, submitted Jan 24 2003 by anonymous user
Alternative version.
Lezbie friends
Homo we won't
Oh gay then
approved May 1 2003, submitted Apr 15 2003 by Mr Disco
The Tweedsmuir Intermediate version circa 1977
Lezbie friends!
Homo you Don't!
I'm not in the nude for it!
approved Jul 11 2003, submitted Jul 10 2003 by vegemite sandwich
"I jonny well do!!"
approved Dec 17 2003, submitted Dec 16 2003 by anonymous user
Logic employed by people who compenstate for their lack of intelligence with a need to be obeyed.
Librarian: You've all got to move, you're blocking the fire door.
Me: But we're the only ones here.
Librarian: But it's dangerous, you're causing an obstruction.
Me: The door is locked anyway!
(I demonstrate by trying the handle)
Librarian : But I have the key in my drawer.
Me: You're only here two days a week! And what if you die in the fire?
Librarian: Just get on with your work and try not to block the door.
Us: Okay...
approved Apr 15 2004, submitted Feb 27 2004 by Alex K
In a similar piece of logic, we were denied a coke machine.

Us: Why?
Them: It's a fire hazard?

Us: How?
Them: In the event of a fire it could block an exit.
Us: Well then put it somewhere where it isn't blocking an exit.
Them: In the event of a fire, someone could move it and use it to block an exit.
Us: If we wanted to burn someone to death we wouldn't be stopped by not having a coke machine to block a door with.
Them: Shut up.
approved Jun 8 2004, submitted Apr 15 2004 by Jimbo B.
Ah yes, Mrs Arul-Vetha. One of the few times I actually HAD 'just forgotten to bring in' my homework, having had the mother of all bronchitis infections.

"That's fine, but you should have bought a note from your mother explaining that you'd forgotten it"

"But if I'd have thought of that, wouldn't I have just bought in the homework"

I had to draw a diagram for her - on the board - of the thought process that would have led to this eventuality.

Christ.
approved Jan 27 2006, submitted Jan 17 2006 by Tom Lunn
A lamentable attempt at a catch 22 (qv), clearly thought of in a couple of bored minutes. You were asked "Do you lickadickaday?", to which you would obviously answer no unless you were the most pathetically retarded person in the whole world ever. I guess they thought concatenating all its constituent words would confuse the victim. The result of an affirmative answer is obvious, but if you answered 'no' they'd claim that "lickadickaday" was Latin for breathe. Which failed to be particularly cutting, but it's debatable whether this was because no-one in their right mind would believe this, or because "ha ha, you don't breathe" doesn't really cut it as an insult.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jim Sheeran
This will also lose its edge when the idiots get hold of it, saying it too slowly and ruining what was originally a good joke. Like when the same idiots suddenly start liking bands that used to be cool, before the idiots read one fucking copy of the NME and before you know it the video was on the fucking Twix Chart Show. Idiots.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Actually, the accepted (and proper) usage is to go up to someone and say "If you lickadickaday say what." If this was said quickly enough, the other person would often automatically say "What?", thereby confirming that they do, indeed, perform an act of fellatio on a daily basis. Like a big honking poovter, or slag.

I don't know what kind of retard school you lot went to, where you just straight asked people if they licked a dick a day, and expected them to say yes. You big dumb apes.
approved Apr 12 2005, submitted Nov 26 2004 by Anonymous .
Frank's girlfriend was on life support. She was in a coma for two whole school years, yet somehow sweet Frank stayed faithful.
One day some people asked if they could go and see her. No they couldn't, because she'd died over the summer.
approved Sep 23 2006, submitted Sep 19 2006 by Eamonn Keane
Debbie had a real boyfriend on life support. He fell off his bike on the way home from her house one cold December evening, and ended up in a coma for four years. Way to get out of your exams, guy.

No-one would go out with her for all the time he was in hospital. Not because she wasn't a looker, or because of some sort of loyalty to poor, comatose Ivan. No! It was because Debbie already had one veggie for a boyfriend, which gave rise to the fear that whatever the spack equivalent of the Grim Reaper is, he MIGHT STRIKE AGAIN.

Any suggestions? - Jamie
approved Jan 2 2007, submitted Sep 25 2006 by Harry Grout
At the age of 5, I was taken out of class and made to wait outside the headmistress's office. While I was there I was told that I had been seen looking into the girls' toilets.

I burst into tears as I stood on a white square on the chequered floor (something we had to do when we'd been naughty, perhaps to highlight our stained souls against the whiteness of tile). A teacher walked up and asked me why I was crying.

"Because I didn't do it!" I said.
"But if you didn't do it, why are you crying?" she replied, stonily.

It was at that moment I realised that the world was fundamentally unfair.
approved Feb 18 2004, submitted Feb 18 2004 by Chief Chirpa
As part of a punishment, you may be asked to decide the punishment yourself. The teacher will then decide whether you've opted for a harsh enough sentence, and may add humourous tweaks, if he's that sort of teacher.

Tactics for the student varied, opting for an exagerrated sentence would show that you recognised the severity of your sins, but you ran the risk of the teacher agreeing with you.

Alternately, you could try saying "you could make me go home, sir" - or "you could give me three millions pounds so I can go mental on drugs and end up dead", in the hope that such cheeky-chappery will make the teacher say "dooo, I couldn't possibly punish you... you have such spirit", before lovingly chasing you around the classroom.
approved Nov 11 2004, submitted Oct 29 2004 by Crash Happy
Another classic "clever teacher punishment" is to make you write an essay, detailing why your behaviour was wrong; when you hand it in, they simply screw it up and throw it away.

This was supposedly intended to dishearten and break the spirit of the wrongdoer. In reality, it just let the student know that they didn't really care if you'd learned your lesson, which is as good as saying "do it again, it was brilliant".

Get the best of every world by writing an essay on why Mr Deller is a big tit who insists on being called PC Deller when he's only in the fucking specials, MNNGNG. It's a big gamble that you can only lose, and it's not at all worth it, but... you might as well.
approved Oct 11 2005, submitted Jul 30 2005 by Gotty Gotty
When I was at junior school, a friend and I stumbled across a patch of playground tarmac that had a bag of crisps enthusiastically stamped into it.

We approached the margins of the stamped crisp zone, and nervously trod on one crisp each.

As soon as we did so, a squad of prefects leapt out of hiding and dragged us off to the headmaster. They told him that we were the culprits of the entire crisp-stamping episode.
We lost a day's playtime. It is because of this that I can empathise with the Guildford Four.

Why they had prefects at a junior school I have no idea. They were abolished by the time I got to the final year, so I never had a chance to wreak proxy revenge on younger pupils.
approved Oct 11 2005, submitted Oct 10 2005 by Matt Fasham
In Primary school I was once made to wait outside the Headmistress's room for a whole playtime, quaking in my boots about what I could have done wrong, only to have her step out just before the bell rang to tell me she was "glad I hadn't been involved in the violent incident earlier" when my best friend had kicked someone in the head. I've never been more angry with a teacher in my life.

Except maybe for the time I got shouted at for "kissing a boy" despite the fact that the boy in question had kicked me in the ankle, pushed me onto the grass and held me down in order to perpetrate the kiss. That's Catholic schools for you. Treat 8-year-old girls like the hussies they are.
approved Nov 2 2005, submitted Oct 26 2005 by Sus K
Safety lessons with Mrs Burge in primary school were a riot of incomprehensibility. We learned that if someone touches a live wire their muscles will be paralysed by the force of the electrical current and they won't be able to let go. She got Kevin to pretend to be electrocuted by the lightswitch (eyes rolling, tongue lolling, zzzt! zzzt! noises).

Obviously you can't touch Kevin to push him away from the switch, or zzzt! zzzt! - you're frying too. You need something that won't conduct. Plastic. What's made of plastic? A lunchbox!

Mrs Burge then took my Thundercats lunchbox, complete with Marmite sandwiches, and used it to nudge Kevin away from the switch.

Fucking *weird*.
approved Mar 1 2006, submitted Sep 29 2005 by anonymous user
Amazingly, our school sanctioned the use of brooms to remove the pupil from the electrical source.
The run up, whilst shouting "BANZAIIIII!!!!!" was OUR idea.
approved Mar 31 2006, submitted Mar 30 2006 by Tony Seagrave
The sweep of sudden good behaviour that settles over a class when a routine session of pre-teacher misbehaviour goes horribly wrong. Within seconds, everyone will be sat, books turned to the correct pages, in absolute silence.
A good example being when a game of indoor football knocks a cup of full coffee onto the fifth years' coursework.
Time stopped, the camera swept around the football, there was an extreme close-up on a droplet of coffee, and every child lifted into the air, and flew back into their seats.
The teacher, when he arrived, would see two things; the culmination of the fifth years' secondary education rendered useless, and a class of 30 really well behaved twelve year olds.
We thought the two things would pretty much balance out.
approved Jul 9 2004, submitted Dec 4 2003 by benzaemon benzaemon
Connecting steel rulers across the terminals of the batteries of those lab packs. These rulers were then used as swords, which let off* an impressive flash of voltage whenever they connected.
If anyone's ever connected two 3ft steel poles to the mains and fought with them, I'd love to hear their stories. I never had the balls.
*Hurrr... let off...
approved Sep 30 2004, submitted Dec 2 2003 by Comrade Fletch
We found two fluorescent strip bulbs discarded intact out the back of the sweet shop.
It turns out only one of them breaks under impact with each other, showering you both with shards of glass and toxic dust.
Like Conkers for REAL men.
approved Jul 31 2005, submitted Jul 30 2005 by Gotty Gotty
If you see a limousine, or indeed any very expensive car, shout "Hi Dad!" at it, implying that your father is the very wealthy person being driven in the limo.

If you're in the company of someone who uses the "Hi Dad!" line, retort with "I didn't know your dad was my dad's driver!"

Assuming, of course, that you don't go to a school where being the offspring of gypnak pikey dolescum is considered fashionable.
approved Feb 17 2005, submitted Jan 11 2005 by Deko McGlinty