The Law of the Playground
the letter l
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The exponent gently draws an exclamation mark on the the victim's spine, reciting "Line, Dot". He then digs his index fingers into the kidneys and twists them violently, creating the desired electric shock effect.
Can backfire if the victim turns around in surprise just as the attacker is doing the electric shock bit, leaving the attacker with his hands on the victim's hips in an awkward and obviously homosexual clinch.
approved Oct 7 2004, submitted May 12 2004 by Yaht Zee
Listen to this,
Too good to miss,
dum dum de dum dum dum


If you're lucky enough to have another trump in the tube, or cunning enough to clench mid-toot, then be sure to sing;

Here comes another,
Must be its brother,
dum dum de dum dum dum


Timing is essential if you're to pull this off successfully. You must be on beat.
approved May 10 2005, submitted May 5 2005 by Nick Hunt
Our farts were so listenable, they were not only unmissable - they had received exposure on national TV. Here it is, in the key of F major.
approved Feb 18 2013, submitted Sep 24 2012 by anonymous user
Any member of a Suing Club could threaten to sue someone if they did something you didn't like. A lot of eight year olds believed it when you threatened to sue them, and would even believe that you can get their parents taken away, their house removed, gain custody of all their toys, and force them to live in a cardboard box.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Gavin
In Kindergarten I had a teacher from the Netherlands. Her main method of punishment consisted of sending the perpetrator to "The Litter Box".
This was a large kitty litter box (large enough for a small child of 6 to fit inside entirely) filled with cat litter and small spoonfuls of peanut butter. You were forced to clean out the tray with a scooper and place the peanut butter "turds" into a baggy. Obviously, the class watching you shuffling little nutty faux-browns around was humiliating, unless you reclaimed control by gently licking the peanut butter, and maybe popping it into your mouth.
Sadly, as this was Kindergarten, no-one thought of that.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Aug 5 2003 by Mike Watson
I'm sorry, and I know it's not my place, but this is clearly bullshit of the highest order... Surely...
Perhaps you're right, Ginger Snaps. We do turn down a lot of entries on the grounds of unmitigated bullshit, or at least put a note on saying "here may be bullshits", but this may have gotten through. We'll leave it in, but thanks for your comment. - Log
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Ginger Snaps
One afternoon, after casually discarding a crisp pack on the playground in front of our Dickensian characature of a caretaker, Cyril exploded with "Oi!, I don't wanna see any little reindeer". Unfortunately, Cyril had not been dropping acid as we all had hoped but rather more mundanely hoped not to see any more litter round here - shame.
approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Sep 19 2003 by Philip Keightley
Living In A Box's eponymous hit. A useful song for when words like gypo and fleabag lose their effect. Can be used in conjunction with "Uptown Slag, she's been living in a paper bag," by Billy Joel.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Stephen Barker, Jon Blyth
The unwelcome erection in the changing rooms. Said in a high-pitched squeal with emphasis on the "lob". An erection was treated with the same level of confusion, fear, and disgust as if a lobster had, indeed, walked into the changing rooms with a towel wrapped around its waist, and started whistling.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Lorcan Macguire, Jon Blyth
Looking at the locker in the sports changing rooms one fine day, I remarked that I thought I could just about fit in one if I curled up very small. Someone expressed disbelief, so I smugly clambered into the locker and curled up. Doubting Gitface said it only counted if the door could shut fully, so with a big smile on my face I pulled the door shut. He couldn't believe his luck. Normally locking someone into a locker took several strong men and a couple of bruised or broken limbs; in this case, all he had to do was flick the lock shut and go to lunch. Pride stopped me from trying to attract attention until several minutes after everybody else had left.
approved Nov 9 2004, submitted Oct 14 2004 by Jimbo B.
In an amazing year of Indiana Jones-esque escapades, my friends and I would booby-trap each others lockers quite freqently using all sorts of house-hold items. Being the top of the top in Science class, which was in the middle of a Mechanical Effeciency unit, I rigged up six cans of whipped cream, two blasting-cap cherry bombs, and a big fake gun with a "Your Gay!" flag that pops out of the front to go off as soon as my buddy opened his locker.

Unfortunately, the cherry bombs blew the binding of the whipping cream cans, sending them flying into the hall. And maybe some of you don't understand how much six cans of whipped cream is.
approved Oct 1 2003, submitted Sep 25 2003 by Nicolas Kastoris
Sorry to be a spoil sport, but for god's sake, can't you see that this is clearly a made-up story? Blasting cap cherry bombs? Six cans of whipped cream? And the clincher - the fake gun, like in a bad comedy movie, with a flag that unfurls with a message on it? And think about the mechanics of setting that up compared to the mechanics they teach in science class. And then think about the force required to hurl six cans of cream into the hallway and cause them to burst. And then think about the mental agility of someone who incorrectly writes the phrase "your gay" on a flag, instead of "you're gay". Then put it all together, and you'll come to the conclusion that this is nothing more than a really poor lie.

Can't you pay more attention to the posts here? I was about to complain about the post about hitting the frog on the back with a hammer, but I refrained. (Think about that one - surely the frog would have moved with people approaching it, and even it not, where the hell did the kid get a 'claw hammer' from at that particular moment?)

While this site used to be the Financial Times of playground law encyclopaedias on the web, it's fast turning into The Sun.

Sometimes, even the clearly made-up has merit. Prisoner Cell Block H was "made up" but we all enjoyed it. What we enjoy even more though, is when readers get as bitter, angry and fuming at submissions as we do. Weve dragged you to our level and we love it. Point taken, though, and well made too. Marvellous. xxx
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 1 2003 by anonymous user
The name for a child so fat and ungainly that when he falls over, a quick-witted bully has the presence of mind to shout "timber", then pretend that the ground shook.
Technically an insult, should you carry the name into adulthood, you'll be surprised how many people assume you have a gigantic cock. Thanks, that bully!
approved Apr 20 2003, submitted Apr 9 2003 by Jon Blyth
Tightly knotting the Lord Anthony parka sleeve of the victim, before excreting generously into the chamber you have created. The bell rings, "Atkins" puts on his coat in a hurry to out-pace the bullies...... and hey presto.... log-jam!!
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by James Holland
Name of a chocolate bar which appeared briefly in the mid eighties. It was intended to resemble a log with bark-like markings in the chocolate but did in fact bear closer (and thus more amusing) resemblance to a poo. Only more disconcerting than someone eating a Logger and getting chocolate all around their mouth was the Fruit and Nut version of the Logger which was, quite frankly, only one small step away from a Sweetcorn Logger in terms of unappetizing confectionery. The use of the word Logger as a slang term for a turd may or may not have preceded the appearance of this in shops. I forget.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rob Young
He'd been on holiday for a fortnight. As he entered the school hall, he felt all eyes turn towards him. "He's back", "Look over there!", "Just by the doors" went the whispers across the cavernous expanse. Then the chant started, low at first, but buiding into a cacophony of hurled abuse. "Log-ger, log-ger,log-ger" was shouted as he was chased around the entire school grounds, in tears.
His crime?
The dirty bastard had shat in a urinal.
approved Jan 13 2006, submitted Jan 9 2006 by D J
Irrefutable logic is a supreme irritant for physics teachers - particularly the histrionic shouting type who never actually carry out a threat. Notably, Mr Linton.
Spotting me chatting in the corridor with a friend, who he'd also just chucked out of the class, he shouted 'Alexander, I thought I told you to stand outside the staff room! Why are you in the corridor?'
My response? 'Sir - I'm not standing INSIDE the staff room, and since I AM standing, I can only conclude that I must be standing OUTSIDE the staff room.'
Impressed with my scientific reasoning, he screamed in my face for a few moments before meandering away, muttering threats.
approved Sep 14 2005, submitted Jul 28 2005 by anonymous user
A computer program used in tandem with a small semispherical grey robot called a "walker". Users would enter commands into the computer, and using the magic of technology, the little grey shit would bleep and draw a sqaure on the ground.

The fun, however, usually came with typing in the commands. It only understood simple words such as "move" and "right". Any other instruction would be greeted with "I do not know how to X". Being 7 years old, this was BRILLIANT:

"I do not know how to fart"
"I do not know how to smell"
"I do not know how to boobies"
approved Jul 15 2005, submitted Jul 14 2005 by Name Withheld
When a conversation reaches a natural break, suddenly exclaim "Look...!" while pointing enthusiastically. They will naturally turn to look without actually listening to what you're pointing out. Typical examples (I've used with success) include "Look! An arse!" or the slightly cleverer "Look! My finger!"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Alex Kimber
I was twelve, she was in her thirties, she taught R.E. and we were in a storeroom alone together collecting textbooks. And it wasn't me that said it. So much for Catholic morality.
approved Apr 21 2003, submitted Mar 31 2003 by Karma Assassin
The lost property office was open some ridiculous hours; Tuesday evenings and for half an hour on Sundays. Therefore, a worthwhile trick to play was to steal someone's blazer, shorts, skidders, or whatever and simply hand it in to lost property. It would be much, much, harder for the owner to reclaim his belongings from lost property than from a more conventional hiding place e.g the top of a bus shelter (next to the single green flash (qv) which was always to be found there) or the Longford River.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Loz
At first sight, Louise Elliot is not the most profane name that could be given to a child. Parents with the surname Elliot could generally feel comfortable that naming their baby daughter Louise will leave her safe from ridicule from her peers. It's just ordinary, isn't it?
In the hands of a master japester such as Stephen Foster, however, every single syllable is ripe for scatological sarcasm. And thus your child shall forever be tarred with the monicker Poo Wees Smelly Butt.
I've no idea what Stephen Foster is doing now, but if there's any justice in the world he should be editing books of babies' names to warn parents about just this sort of thing.
approved May 26 2006, submitted May 23 2006 by Phil Glansvile
Writing tragically poor poetry to a girl you fancied at school would be one way to guarantee five years of bullying. Not having the wit even to do this, one lad at our school sent the object of his affections one of his pubic hairs through the post instead. With love letter attached. Which didn't work, obviously. He's now a policeman. Equally obviously.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Neil Chappell
If this is the same bloke I'm thinking of, this was just his warm up act. A few weeks after that incident he came to school with a small bottle of his man-goo and presented that to the same girl he gave his pubic hairs to. The quizical look on her face turned to horror when what she was holding in her hand became apparent to her. Needless to say this went down a lot worse than the pubic hairs and we were all pretty sure that any chance that he had with the girl were completely fucked.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ashley Stockton
I like it when that happens. People finding each other. I feel like Cilla Black, I really do.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
In teen flicks like Ferris Bueller or anything with Molly Ringwald in it, halting a History lesson to stand on your desk and read a love poem to the object of your affections in front of the whole class would earn you a round of applause and much *whooping*. The girl would say Yes Chud! and you would both run across the playing field, hand-in-hand, while the Principal looks on, choking back the tears yet maintaining a sobering level of dignity throughout.
When Ken Searle did it, on the other hand, it was the most painfully shit thing that I have ever seen. And he got a detention.
approved May 18 2005, submitted May 17 2005 by Dan Leonard
Our school suffered a boy who would periodically fall in love with girls and express his feelings by giving them letters. Once girls began to talk about these letters, it turned out that they were word-for-word identical.
Not only that, but they contained the unforgivable phrase, "every guy deserves a chance..."
approved Aug 8 2005, submitted May 19 2005 by Synthia Spiderleg