The Law of the Playground
the letter l
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A simple mathematical method of working out people's attraction to each other, far simpler and cheaper than all that sodding about with dating profiles like they do nowadays.
If someone wanted to calculate my percentage attraction to, say, Kylie Minogue, they would proceed thus:
  1. Write out on a piece of paper:
    Matthew Fasham
    Kylie Minogue
  2. Count up the number of l, o, v, e, and s's in each name as follows:
  3. Add up the adjacent numbers, pair by pair, to get:
  4. Again:
  5. Again:
    7, 11
  6. And finally, the percentage that I love Kylie Minogue, 18%.
    This depressingly small percentage, if calculated in a school classroom, would be taken as conclusive proof of gayness.Additionally, as the percentage works both ways, I now know that my hitherto dogged pursuit of Kylie is doomed to a loveless failure.
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Sep 18 2003 by Matt Fasham
Matt, please don't give up. An alternate and more sensible working of this process would split the eleven in the last stage of the process to two individual ones. This would give you 7,1,1 - which brings you to a final love score of 82%. This is obviously the method to be preferred.
This explains why you loved Kylie despite your low score, and gives you a very real chance of getting your dick wet should you ever meet.
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Sep 25 2003 by Jon Blyth
Finally, because I am the most anal person in the world when it comes to intriguing maths things - and love - the only results I've found that will yield the maximum 99% (also demonstrating that love can never be a certainty) are 01202, 03006, 12021, 20210, 31105, 32007, 50113, 51015, 60030, 60106, 80016, and of course, 90009.
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Sep 25 2003 by Jon Blyth
Nick Hunt
Zoe Reynolds
1 2 0 2 1
3 2 2 3
5 4 5

If there's a Zoe Reynolds reading this, I'm yours, and I promise to devote as much time to you as I did to working out your fucking name. If you even exist outside my tortured imagination.
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Sep 25 2003 by Nick Hunt
By this logic, anyone with the word "love" in their name will have an automatic head start no matter who they're pitched against.

This may explain the hitherto unfathomable popularity of Courtney Love and Jennifer Love Hewitt, who must fancy the pants off one another, the dirty lezzers.
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Sep 25 2003 by Phil Glansvile
It's possible to end up with an infinite loop in the numbers, where you never reach a percentage - whether this means your love is doomed or guaranteed, I can't say. But if it makes you feel any better Log, I only know this can happen because I was anal enough to write a program on the amiga to work out the love percentage automatically.
(Thanks - although I don't feel less anal, it's nice to know there are people more anal than myself. For an online love percentage calculator, click on these words.)
approved Sep 29 2003, submitted Sep 26 2003 by dan upright
Courtney and Jennifer only love each other 24%, which just goes to show, logic is not to be trusted. Maybe its more successful if the entire 'Loves' is in their name, an example being 'John Lovestein.'
This man might not exist.

This is clearly a lie. Courtney and Jennifer love each other 85%. Please don't resort to such tabloid-style muck slinging, we're a respectable website. Tsk. - Phil
approved Sep 29 2003, submitted Sep 27 2003 by Davy .
Well, if Jennifer was only spelt with one E as I, quite rightly in my mind, presumed, THEN they would only love each other the 24%.

Well, this isn't a hole that is easy to dig my way out of. I hang my head in shame.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 1 2003 by Davy .
Well you live and learn... having checked via the online percentage calculator I can rejoice that my Kylie percentage is 82, not 18. If only I had known that 15 years ago I might have been spared many lonely hours of 18%-related ostracism.

By the way, Log, while it may be true that 90009 gives a perfect 99%, there can't be many people who fit that category. I suppose that if Liam Lyall Slimshall met Sarah Sally Sandra Mississippi, there would be love at first sight, if they bothered to sit down with a calculator, but if there's a real life couple who qualify I will not only eat my hat but also yours.
approved Oct 22 2003, submitted Oct 10 2003 by Matt Fasham
There was a boy at school called Justin Oliver Hayhoe. There's an L, an O, a V, an E and an S in there. That boy loved everybody and everybody loved him....

... in theory. The reality was that he was a twat and possibly the least popular person I've ever met.

Love Percentage Calculators, please note! There's a subtle difference between having the letters of the word LOVE in your name, and having the sort of name that makes you sound like a raving gaylord.
approved Oct 17 2003, submitted Oct 16 2003 by N H
I managed to use the online love calculator to work out that I apparently love my ex girlfriend 99%, ie. more than I'll ever love anyone else.
Has anyone else had a similarly depressing experience, such as finding their name on a gravestone with 1974-TOMORROW written underneath?
approved Dec 16 2003, submitted Nov 28 2003 by anonymous user
I have a message for Nick Hunt: I knew Zoe Reynolds at university. She was a fucking uber-bitch and you wouldn't want to go there. Honestly, she was awful. Not someone you would want to devote even five minutes to.
Perhaps you should try working out another name. Or porn. Sorry.
approved Jan 24 2006, submitted Dec 9 2005 by Chris Woolhouse
Right. Claire Rosemond, prepare to be stalked.
And I know you exist because I've googled you.
approved Jan 26 2006, submitted Jan 24 2006 by Nick Hunt
The unfortunate act of, whilst attempting to create a winning skier, over-estimating the optimum penis angle, resulting in a shower of piss coming down on your own head. The most admired skier practitioners would gain respect by pushing the envelope and coming dangerously close to a Lucozade but still managing to win the competition with dry hair.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Propellerhed
The elements of a lunchbox are all subject to a scoring system that any child can appraise in seconds. As adults, we may need help with a table.
5Deep filled, fresh, with two or more meats on wholegrain thick sliced bread.Rippled or otherwise textured luxury snack.Proper Chocolate Bar. Mars, Twix.Can Coke or equivalent
4Real, unprocessed meats on Mighty White.Monster Munch or other highly flavoured crisp.Mid-range chocolate. Penguin.Carton Ribena
3Standard cheese or processed ham on standard white bread.Ready Salted WalkersBudget chocolate. Ace, Taxi, Blue Riband.Pouch Capri Sun
2Elements of sweatiness. Sandwich droops when held by the edge.10p Red Mill snack - Tangy Toms.Fun Size Chocolate. Interpretable as an insult.Tupperware Beaker Robinson's Cordial
1One Kraft Single between two unbuttered slices of a 7p loaf.NoneTwo squares taken from a 500g bar of Dairy Milk. Fruit.Tap Water

Your score, coupled with your social standing, will determing your treatment. For instance, a score of 12 is recommended for victims; any noticeable variance from the absolute average will result in unwelcome attention. For popular children, the higher the score the better. In a geek-friendly environment, fruit may actually be considered acceptable. To be honest, it's a more complicated issue than this arena allows for, and to be even more honest I'm totally bored with the subject. Bye bye.
approved Sep 17 2003, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Leftover fish fingers between paper-thin white bread, Panda Pop and apple, all served in grubby scratched tupperware...
It's bad, isn't it? I know it's bad.
approved Sep 24 2003, submitted Sep 17 2003 by spadge monkey
If the tupperware is tinged orange from some contact with tomatoes many years ago, then yes, I'm afraid it's bad.
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Sep 24 2003 by anonymous user
Early 80's flask technology was simply not up to the job of keeping water hot enough for lunchtime Pot Noodles, so they were both luke warm AND crunchy.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Sep 29 2003 by Andy Mansh
My mum used to make strange sandwiches, such as peanut-butter and bean sprouts or cream-cheese and bits of raw red-pepper. In wholemeal bread of course! Other wise it wouldn't be good for you!
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 8 2003 by Alma S
Below Viscounts, below Penguins, Bandits, way below Caramacs and as far as you could possibly get from Yo-Yos, were the carob-coated grass and rabbit tod monstrosities that I had to suffer, thanks to my mum's membership of a wholesale wholefood wholly-shit co-op. I was not spared ridicule in the dinner room.
Carob - the chocolate replacement invented by angry vegans to ruin middle-class childhoods.
approved Jun 18 2004, submitted Oct 10 2003 by Matt Fasham
In my opinion, cream cheese and red pepper sandwiches are very nice. However, cheddar cheese and jam isn't. Cheers Dad.
approved Oct 14 2003, submitted Oct 14 2003 by Charlie Webb
The lunch lady tried to make me eat an accidently made lemon curd and ham sandwich. Which was just evil.
approved Oct 23 2003, submitted Oct 16 2003 by Sarah Fung
Should you have a penguin wrapper with the same colour as someone else at your table, correct etiquette dictates that you hold the still wrapped biscuits aloft, with an air of impenetrable brotherhood and superiority.
But watch out - yellow wrappers are gay, and the synergy of two gay wrappers meant that combining their energies would make you triple gay. And two people being triple gay is six times gay, from just two gay wrappers. That sort of spontaneous gay creation could cause a sex-rift, and summon a lesbian made from electricity.
approved Apr 22 2005, submitted Jan 25 2005 by Jon Blyth, Adam Fraiwald
Blue Bounty Bars are objects of desire and great envy - they are amongst the most exotic of all the chocolate bars, thanks to the palm tree on the wrapper. Only Turkish Delight was swankier; so swanky, in fact, that the advert used a real scimitar to open the packet. On the very rare occasion that a Turkish Delight saw the light of day, your friends would often try to emulate this swankiest of unwrappings with a karate chop.
Anyway, the thing is, Red Bounties were gay. And even your classmates taking it off you and throwing it away wouldn't stop you being gay, so they'd have to beat you up to stop you making them gay too.
approved Oct 5 2005, submitted Jun 17 2005 by Dan B, Jon Blyth
These days, especially amongst the urban 4x4 driving community, homemade bread will no doubt have a 'wow' factor. Children with names like 'Oliver' and 'Harvey' and fucking 'Archie' will open their lunchboxes and smugly chomp away on walnut foccacia.

But at rural schools, homemade bread was the epitomy of pikeyness. I mean, your mum can't even afford BREAD? She can barely scrape together the price of flour and yeast? AND A PINCH OF SALT?
approved Sep 22 2007, submitted Oct 25 2005 by Name Withheld, anonymous user
My friend Crystal did a very similar thing with a slit cow's heart, and actually succeeded in making three of her classmates sick. Mostly because the undrained blood would spurt out every time "Mr. Weebles," as he was called, would complete a syllable.
approved May 7 2003, submitted Jan 19 2003 by Name Withheld
Rather poetically, I made a glove puppet out of a heart. I did this by slicing through the base and sliding my fingers into the four arteries. Behold, my meaty chum could quip, cavort and mischievously squirt blood into Matthew Corbett's eye. Cheeky old "Harty"!
approved Jan 27 2006, submitted Nov 7 2005 by pedro sanchez
After being humiliated in Biology the week before, by having a migraine at the same time as disecting a heart and therefore appearing to go green and spew at the sight of said bodily organ, I was forced into reaffirming my hard man image. This was accomplished by tying several bits of thread to the following week's dissection subject, a windpipe and lungs, and parading it around the class. Whilst the initial ability simply to make it move towards unsuspecting girls at high speed and making them scream was good enough, it got better when said lungs took on a personality of their own. Now totally out of control, Kermit The Lungs (patent pending), began performing dance routines across the benches whilst singing "We're moving right along". The show came to an abrupt halt when Kermit noticed the biology teacher now standing staring and, instantly, reverted to being 'just a pair of lungs' dangling innocently from thread! In a travesty of justice Kermit was allowed to remain whilst I was removed to the confines of the 'quiet room'.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Boglin
The lurgie corner was the corner right opposite the bin (which once had a wasp nest in it). If you stood on that paving stone, you automatically had the lurgie. Obviously. Even the teachers never went into that corner.
approved Apr 13 2005, submitted Sep 20 2003 by Name Withheld
A small Tupperware tub of tomato sauce, in which you may genteely dip your exquisite sausages before gnawing daintily at the end, is both a sign of high civilisation, and rock-solid proof that you have "made it".
approved Oct 8 2004, submitted Nov 11 2003 by Name Withheld
An early work from self-styled Tim-Rice-of-the-playground Colin Clifford, about his good friend Colin Black:

Colin Black, Colin Black, Went to Vietnam and back, with a knick knack paddywhack and napalm up his bum, came home mad and killed his mum.

Colin Black didn't go to Vietnam, and remains innocent of matricide.
approved Mar 8 2006, submitted Feb 17 2006 by Eight Ace