The Law of the Playground
the letter m
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Shouted and accompanied by a flexing of a little finger. Denotes the possession of a unimpressive member. An abbreviation of Maggot, which little willies look like.

Variations include, maggee, Mr. Magoo, magga magga magga and magwaaaaah, shouted in a Zippy from Rainbow style voice.

The only reversal is, sadly, lacking in finesse. Simply shout back "No you're the MAG! I'm a MONSTER!" Meaning, obviously, that your penis is huge, and very hairy indeed.
approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Jul 7 2003 by Brian Brady
- Have you ever seen a maggot spit?
- No...
- Well, wank harder then.
approved Sep 24 2003, submitted Jul 9 2003 by Name Withheld
Game played on school trips in dormitories. Consisted of combat between by boys who had to remain at all times on the floor wrapped up in duvets. Were it a cartoon scene, the word "squirm" would appear three times in each frame.

Maggots had no winners - play was its own reward.
approved Sep 11 2003, submitted Aug 8 2003 by Julian Burnell
An animated wizard, who had special e-mazing powers. Voiced by Derek Griffiths, he would sing;
Fat becomes fate with me!
Rat becomes rate with me!
and of course
Shit becomes shite with me!
I'm magic magic E...

After comically noting that shit becomes shite with him, children would rack their brains, without success, to think of another rude word ending in a removeable "e".
approved Sep 5 2003, submitted Aug 9 2003 by Gary Whittle
pube - some people might say it's childish, but i still find it funny at 26, so what do they fucking know?

(See also "rap becomes rape with e". A cautionary tale for the hip hop generation. -Susan)
approved Oct 1 2003, submitted Sep 11 2003 by dan upright
How about 'Wankr becomes Wanker with me...'?
Harry, you might like to see this entry, to guage the degree to which you have just entirely missed the point. Can anyone else see how Harry has missed the point of "a word that becomes a rude word when you add the letter e to the end" in two distinct ways?
approved Apr 11 2005, submitted Dec 12 2003 by Harry Nice
The Magic Potion would be made from a hlaf-empty yoghurt pot, plus added ingredients such as barbeque crisps, bread crusts, apple pips and anything else to hand. The challenge was to make it as big and filthy a mix as possible, and for it to be stirred clockwise with the dinner-lady's pen, otherwise it wouldn't work.
The hapless yogurt owner would then have to eat this mess. If sucessful and was able to keep the mix down for more than ten minutes they were crowned "the Great Sage" for the lunchtime. If they lost the contents of lunch within the ten minutes, they were made to eat grass, because that's what cats do when they have a dodgy stomach.
approved Oct 23 2003, submitted Aug 5 2003 by Lorna Rowe
After George's Marvellous Medicine was read on Jackanory (by Rik Mayall), my sister and I elected to make our own version. But rather than having curative properties, ours would be deadly toxic, and we would use it to poison the children at our school for whom we harboured a dark hatred.
So a Stork Margarine container was procured and a series of top-secret raids on household cupboards was organised. We managed to include a paracetamol, numerous cleaning products, goldfish medicine, Jolen facial hair bleach and shampoo. In a fit of conscience, my sister threw the medicine down the lav while I was occupied, riding around the garden in horse form. Her feeble excuse was that we cant just go round poisoning people at the school. Surely she had not thought this was any more than a childish game? I wasnt really going to poison anyone; I just wanted to make sure they didnt go down with fin rot.
approved Jan 15 2006, submitted Jan 13 2006 by Cherry Green
"What's underneath the Magic Table?" I asked, out of the blue, one lunchtime.

Naturally curious, I bent my head to investigate the source of the witchcraft and wizardry, which proved to be Jane McKeating's eight year old, hairless genitals.
approved Aug 12 2005, submitted Aug 9 2005 by Steven Johnston
When we were five, Daniel Davies and I would drop our pencils under the table during handwriting practice, and spend the pencil-recovery time looking up the girls' skirts.

'Magic Table' caught on so well that when the teacher left the room, dozens of pencils would clatter to the floor and all of the boys would congregate underneath the table.

It grew so popular that the girls started to do it too, and thus the "Magic Table" vanished in a puff of logic.
approved Sep 21 2005, submitted Sep 9 2005 by Neal Vomit
Even if you are wearing trousers and underwear, if you press your fingers hard enough up your buttock cleft and worm them around, a small amount of anus smell will be transferred to your fingers. The process by which this happens is entirely magical. On a really warm day, I managed to get the smell through underpants, trousers, and jumper.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A couple of people have written to me concerning stinkpalm, but I haven't seen Mallrats yet, so I haven't the foggiest what you're talking about.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
For the education of those who do not know what stink palming is--
Brodie: You stink-palm him.
Brodie: You take your hand and you stick it in your ass. You been walking' all day and you're nervous, so you'll be sweaty as hell... You shake hands with the guy. 'Hey, Mr.. Svening. How've you been ?'
TS:What's the point?
Brodie:You know how long it takes for that smell to come off? Scrub all you like, it'll stick around for two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass.
TS:Meanwhile, you are left with A hand that smells like shit.
Brodie:Small price to pay... For the smiting of one's enemies.
(I've begrudgingly put this up, but I'm still not going to acknowledge that dad up a chimney is a scene out of Gremlins, so STOP TELLING ME, I KNOW)
approved Jun 24 2004, submitted Feb 23 2004 by Esa Rich
(never, never break friends/if you do/you'll catch the flu/and that will be the end of you.)

So we all know this one, but interestingly enough, the popular comedian Adam Bloom genuinely believes he invented this rhyme, in a playground in Richmond in 1977. No one else knew it before he invented it, and he will accept no argument to the contrary.
approved Mar 29 2003, submitted Mar 28 2003 by Susan Tobacco
In girl scouts, we had a song that went "Make new friends but keep the old; one is silver and the other is gold." which we promptly adapted to "Kick new friends but pee on the old; one is slimy and the other is mould." Don't ask.
approved Apr 12 2005, submitted May 14 2004 by Abby Normal
James Fidget (real name) had a false roof to his mouth that clipped on in some arcane way. It didn't clean itself very well, so in between his roast dinner and his custard-drenched pudding he would remove the plastic thingummy and clean it manually. The trick here was to distract him in increasingly surreal ways so he forgot to replace it, and then - when he had eaten a fair whack of the custard - make him laugh hysterically. You haven't lived until you've seen custard flood out of a schoolboy's nose.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Lee Fisher
Gerald Malarkey was devoid of any kind of morality or humanity. Once he was disturbed from slamming a small kids head in a door by a particularly stupid PE teacher. This prompted the line "What's all this Malarky....", at which point he lost momentum, realising how his sentence must end. "....errm.... Malarky..." And we all laughed,except for the guy with his head in the door,who wept.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Pol Sigerson
A male who has yet to grow pubic hair. Or - and this is the tricky bit - anyone who does not know what a mallet is.
approved Oct 12 2004, submitted Oct 12 2004 by Doktor Raygun
Pleasingly close to diarrhoea. Mamma Mia / I've got diarrhoea / Plip-Plop / Can you hear my shit drop? is a fine example of this similarity in action.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nick Pettigrew
Man with Jack-in-the-box, The, noun phrase.
Best known example of a freestyle epic narration (a form of oral storytelling in which profoundly eccentric characters have endless serial adventures in a world that is in various unforeseeable ways hostile to their existence).
A story featuring a man cursed with the possession - which he could never put down - of a large jack-in-the-box whose 'jack' could spring to a height of twenty metres; an optimistic young girl; a monk who had mastered a meditative technique in which one relocated one's own centre of gravity to a point some way in front of oneself (this made walking impossible; he could only fall from place to place), and other minor figures. This trio encounters many trials as they negotiate, for example, perilous roof gardens made of papier mache and corridors which contrary to the laws of perspective, physically narrow to a single point.
The story was developed by the boys who didn't play touch football.
approved Mar 1 2003, submitted Feb 19 2003 by Gil St-Albin
The Adventures of Licky Bongo

These adventures were always detailed by Mudge on school trips - coaches inducing a mild form of cabin fever. Lickybongos adventures included him being chased by a crocodile and escaping by pulling an inflatable QE2 out of his arse, and meeting a shelfstacker in ASDA who had tits on the end of her arse. Mudge was made to sit on his own normally about ten minutes into his monologues, because he was laughing too loudly at his own clearly disturbed mind.
approved May 7 2003, submitted Apr 14 2003 by Name Withheld
A game loosely based on the Hale & Pace characters of the same name. I can't remember the character names now, but two boys would be the two management guys, and one other (usually me) was "Crusty" or something.
So, the guys would be trying to run a nightclub and any other kids in the area would be made to be the nightclub acts. I'm not sure exactly what was supposed to happen then, because it usually degenerated into a fight around that point.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 13 2002 by Dupli Citous
Inverted reproach for lack of courtesy in yourself. Drop the please from any request, and if the subject complies, you may shout "MANNERS!" at the top of your voice, teachers permitting.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Tim G
Strangely uninsulting insult for boys with big heads. Almost Shakespearean.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ben Austwick
A smack on the back of the head. It's spam backwards, you see. Very clever. And therefore not thuggish.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Richard Goodey
Don't forget "pams" and "amps", which are used for the sides of the head should the forehead be unspammable, or rear be off the maps. By using these four techniques in combination, every eventuality is covered, and someone
will be hit somewhere.
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Jan 24 2005 by Toilet Tax
Having cornered the marble market in his first year, in his second year Marcus Mellor rapidly established himself as the pornography kingpin of our school.
He dealt his grubby wares from a large, tatty, black briefcase held together with masking tape, and always filled to bursting point with an seemingly unlimited quantity of top-shelf magazines.
His empire came to an abrupt and spectacular end. Running to a lesson, his briefcase burst open, spilling Clubs, Razzles, Fiestas and Mayfairs in a slithering tide down the stairs. Despite his desperate entreaties, they were hoovered up within seconds by a huge crowd of unbelieving boys. I still can't watch aid convoys arrive in famine-stricken towns without being reminded of the event.
approved May 6 2003, submitted Apr 8 2003 by Dancing Bean
I can claim superiority: I ran a similar operation in the last year of primary school. So not only was I really young, but I am also a girl, and was even then.
I would steal the raw material from under my best friend's brother's bed, cut out the best bits, and staple them together into little booklets, with plain covers onto which the boys could write "The Battle of Agincourt", or something. These little creations would sell for 50p.
(No thanks to the fusty careers adviser, I now get paid for doing something not entirely dissimilar.)
approved Oct 6 2004, submitted Jan 28 2004 by spadge monkey
Soiling yourself in a moment of unforeseen and explosive diarrhoea. You will not live this down. Your name, if it begins with m and has two syllables, will be used to replace "magic" in the song "magic moments".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Thommo
marla was never going to find it easy. she was the first black kid at our primary school in the 1970s. we treated her with the usual respect accorded to people of different ethnic and cultural blackgrounds: we would run round shouting "blacky sambo" and claimed that she smelled of poo. which was perhaps a bit harsh for a skinny girl of an already nervous disposition. but what the heck, there were more of us.

marla's bottom was the name given to the "chocolate" pudding that appeared in the school canteen once a week. this brown sugar-laden gunk came on a cardboard base with shaving foam on top. it was marginally better than damson pudding, which was on the same base, was translucent purple and had plastic film in (purporting to be damson skin).

but the canteen wasn't the only place we saw marla's bottom. one break time the whole school gathered round in the top playground while someone (he'll remain nameless - i think he's a bank manager now) de-bagged marla and displayed her bottoms, front and back, to the assembled throng. marla didn't come back to school after that.

personally, i blame the sugar in the dessert.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 14 2002 by Mr Tumnus
Here is an old joke that I cannot fathom to this day. Please help me fathom it.
An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman enter a haunted house which contains a single slice of Marmite-slathered bread. As the Englishman hungrily reaches for the snack, a terrifying voice booms, "I told you once, I told you twice: do not eat that Marmite slice!" The Scotsman, too, is frightened away from the slice; but the foolhardy Irishman consumes it, whereupon the voice sniggers, "I told you once, I told you twice: I wiped my bum on that Marmite slice."
Of course it is funny that the Irish ate a poo, but the joke is not satisfying, in millions of ways.
1. Whose was the mysterious voice? Why did a voice poo on the bread? And - crucially - how did three sane men mistake the poo for Marmite?
1,000,000. For the first two cycles of the joke, he hadn't told us twice, and for the very first, he hadn't even told us once. Changing the words from "told" to "warn" doesn't suddenly reset the counter. Or does it? Frankly I'm drunk.
What this joke proves, conclusively, is that Irishes eating a poo is funnier than common sense.
approved Jan 20 2005, submitted Jan 20 2005 by Paul Equinox Collins
A child stumbled across a delicious-looking brown slice. Licking his lips, he reaches out for the slice, only to be hindered by a ghost.

"I told you once, I told you twice,
Do not eat that Marmite Slice"

The boy shrugged. A ghost who falsified the number of warnings he had given with such brazen indifference to the intelligence of his audience was hardly to be trusted. He picked up the tasty brown slice and devoured it greedily. The ghost seemed unimpressed.

"I told you once, I told you twice,
I wiped my bum on that Marmite Slice"

The child, noting that the number of warnings now tallied with reality, saw that he had misunderstood - the first rhyme was, in fact, a prophecy: and what he had just eaten was not Marmite Slice at all, but an ethereal stripe of ghoul turd.

"Wait a minute," the child said. "Why did you call it a Marmite Slice, if it was ghost shit? And since when did ghosts expel corporeal waste? And who calls Marmite on toast a Marmite Slice? What the fuck is this, ghost?"

The ghost shrugged. "You ask a lot of questions for a boy with shit in his mouth."
approved May 18 2012, submitted May 17 2012 by David Whitehouse