The Law of the Playground
the letter m
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Yet another joyful urban myth that left children agog, the Mars Bar Party was briefly the talk of every town.
This Roman-esque orgy of an event involved lots of women willing to pop Mars Bars (lower rent Taxi or 5-4-3-2-1 parties were relatively scarce) inside themselves, to be eaten by the lucky boys in attendance. If there were enough women, some boys might even get two Mars Bars - yum!
A well-developed fantasy given our age; very few of us had sticky dreams by this stage. The one function this urban myth briefly served was to cause any girl seen eating a Mars Bar to be instantly labelled an orgy-crazed cock-demon, in so many words.
approved Dec 17 2003, submitted Dec 14 2003 by Tyrannosaurus Flex
Oh! Oh! I drew a picture of a Mars Bar Party during a german exchange visit. Featuring Florian, who was the brother of one of the german girls.
We were under the impression that continental europe was a liberal, eurotrashesque utopia of unshockable, if style-less people. So we showed, (and explained) the picture to the german host family. And then had to live with them for another week.
approved Sep 29 2004, submitted Jan 25 2004 by Kate S
Do not admit to learning any martial art, unless you are quite prepared, and physically able, to follow it up. The smallest kid in our year, sick of being the victim, screamed "I've learned tae-kwon do" as his ritualised and half-hearted bullying session began.

To astonished looks from his assailants, he proceeded to strike a number of ridiculous Bruce Lee style poses, while going an unhealthy shade of red. His mastery of the ancient Korean martial art was such that the first punch laid him out. Then, everyone beat him up. Only suddenly, it wasn't quite so half-hearted.

(Thanks to Benzaemon Benzaemon for pointing out that Tae Kwon Do is Korean, not Japanese. Heaven forfend that there should EVER be an error of fact in this - the most thoroughly researched dictionary of bullshit on the internet)
approved Jul 13 2004, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Neil Chappell
If Mary Poppins had been released in 1934 instead of 30 years later, the unofficial anthem of the SS would surely have been;
Let's go fry a kike
Let's set them all alight
Let's go fry a kike
And send them roaring
Up to the atmosphere
Until the race is clear
Oh let's go fry a kike

This does nothing for the claims that Walt Disney held anti-semitic views. It doesn't really do me any favours, either.
approved Jul 27 2005, submitted Jul 27 2005 by Phil Glansvile
The slow kid was often asked to do something which he believed would make him popular. The most enjoyable requests were for him to fill his underpants up with mashed potato or baked beans and go and show the teachers.
approved Feb 22 2003, submitted Feb 18 2003 by Andy Cowling
A dinner queue offer best riposted with "no, it's just the way my trousers hang".
Also applicable to offers of boiled sprouts, grated carrot, hot plums etc
approved May 6 2003, submitted Dec 20 2002 by Name Withheld
Meet B. You could describe B as small, shivery, asthmatic, bespectacled. You could also describe him as religious, so he was almost perfect for good natured probing.
One day, we were gently interrogating him about his wanking regime; he replied that it was sinful, then became wincingly tight-lipped on the matter. Eventually, a larger child got whiff of the conversation, and boomed "what, don't you wank, B?"
He finally exploded; "No, I don't, and I wouldn't want to, even if I could!"
There was five seconds of perfect silence, while every child said Grace for the wonderful gift they had been given.
approved Oct 26 2004, submitted Oct 23 2004 by Doc
Large Child : Do you know how to make a match burn twice?
Small Child : Gasp - surely that isn't possible?
Large Child : But it is!
Small Child : Then show me! Show me this magical match!
Big child strikes a match, blows it out, then sticks it on the arm of the small child.


approved Dec 4 2003, submitted Nov 27 2003 by Roy Holdsworth
Randy 5th former Graham took a strong liking to our French teacher and sent her a card declaring his intentions. He included a packet of three condoms and the punchline "from me and my Mates". What he hoped to achieve by this and what actually happened are events that belong to different sets that intersect at no point.
approved Oct 20 2003, submitted Oct 15 2003 by Dom Tumble
Legend had it that Gary Everitt got his cock stuck up the bath tap. How or why this happened the legend never stated, but we knew it must be true because, well, he looked the type.

A song was composed to the tune of the Matey bubblebath advert on TV at the time:

Gary Everitt's a bottle of fun
You put him in the bath
He sticks it up the tap
and everyone has a laugh!


He had to endure 5 years of this song, which was passed down to the years below and was particularly enjoyed by his younger brother, who presumably gained a good deal of revenge for older-sibling-based bullying.
approved Jun 24 2005, submitted Jun 17 2005 by Jim Green
The noise that a spastic produces when trying to say the word "spastic". Probably.
approved Jul 11 2003, submitted Jul 10 2003 by Sarcaustic
School bully and all round fat cunt Rebecca Stubbs was flattened by me applying my maypole ribbon across her overdeveloped chest as we danced around the Maypole. Kudos lasted only until break time when I had to hide.
Sadly, despite the limited opportunity for premeditated assault, Maypole dancing was the only Pagan rite tolerated by our school. My requests for a wicker man went entirely unheeded.
What about Morris dancing? A dried pig's bladder upside da bitch's head wouldda been DOPE - Mansh
approved Dec 1 2005, submitted Dec 1 2005 by Cherry Green
MC Hammer sounds a bit like MC Spanner. This was combined with "Wanking Spanners" to make MC Spanner a term for wanker.
Fairly basic, but always a pleasure to see someone interrupt a conversation with - Stop - Spanner Time - then mime wanking for a while.
approved Jul 10 2004, submitted Nov 6 2003 by anonymous user
When your handwriting isn't all that good, as it tends not to be when you are nine, you might write "Merry Christmas" so that it looks a little like "Meany Christmas".
Then, if your teacher is the hysterical sort, who can't abide there to be any hint of unpleasantness in the world and squeals at the merest whiff of Roald Dahl, she might rip up that card, throw it in the bin, and scream "Have a Meany Christmas? What a horrible thing to write! You awful child!"
And when the child tearfully explains that it said "Merry", that same teacher - the one who strives for a perfect world in which children never have to feel pain - looks into that child's baffled and hurt eyes, sees that she has ripped up his innocence, and hopefully spends the rest of her life clawing at her own forearms like a damn maniac.
approved Jul 9 2004, submitted Dec 21 2003 by Araxoth Tiranor
An insufferably dull History lesson inspired us to draw Mr Smyth a completely normal, non-piss-taking Christmas card - because, we reasoned, it was likely to be the only one he would ever receive.
He caught us, ripped it up before throwing it in the bin and shouting 'What the BLOODY hell are you doing?'
When we answered the question truthfully, the look on his face of sheer guilt mixed with woebegone loneliness made for a wholly unexpected and welcome conclusion to the affair.
approved Jul 12 2006, submitted Aug 24 2005 by Tim Hughes
Sounding uncannily like 'mega hurts', when used in questions, can cause physics-minded kids to unwittingly consent to a solid beating.
What's that, Spod? You want 10,000 Mega Hurts? Well, OK, but it's going to be painful...
or
Simon, can you help me with something that's been bothering me? I was just wondering what you call a thousandth of a mega hurts. [receives answer] He says he wants a killer hurts, Stephen. Would you be so kind?
Before you look them all up, the only other ones that kinda work are "terror hurts", but that's a bit rubbish because you'd have to pull a scary face while you're punching, and "fem two hurts", which is tenuously useful if you're punching two lady's tits.
approved Dec 16 2004, submitted Nov 21 2004 by anonymous user
The name of the substance that drips from the anus after a rigourous session of bumfunnery. Also a girl's name.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely
Any medical condition that causes bleeding of the anus.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Tony Blews
That's actually false. Melinda is not the word for the anal-sex by-product. I believe it's been termed santorum.
(Readers! Can you be more snotty than Esa Rich about what the word is for the stuff that drips out of your arse after anal sex? It's something to get worked up about, so post your word for it, phrased in the most insufferable language possible, HERE! - Log)
approved Sep 29 2004, submitted Feb 23 2004 by Esa Rich
Dan, Tony and Esa are talking inferior grade gobshit. It is self-evident and unarguable that the term for semen-based anal drippage is, of course, Pugwash.
approved Nov 11 2004, submitted Oct 29 2004 by Name Withheld, anonymous user
I believe that all of you need to brush up on your lingo. A good source of information would be the Atlas of Practical Proctology.
Correct terms involve: abnormal seepage, foreign excreta, unobstructed flow or cadbury marble.
Here's two I made up: 'Spink' (a shortening of pink spunk in the same way 'Spam' is a shortening of spiced ham); and, if there's a brown tinge and you're feeling continental, 'ejaculaffe au lait'. - Mansh
approved Apr 13 2005, submitted Dec 1 2004 by Pogglesnatch
Esa Rich is right, in a way. In the US 'pugwash' is indeed now known as 'santorum' after Senator Rick Santorum, a very vocally homophobic and deeply unpleasant individual. Readers of Dan Savage's column Savage Love voted that 'santorum' should be the word used to describe 'the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex'.
approved May 23 2005, submitted May 21 2005 by Name Withheld
Isn't it "melena"? Online Medical Dictionary definition: "stools stained black by blood pigment or dark blood products". Often indicative of gastrointestinal haemorrhage, for example as a result of a peptic ulcer.

Bleeding from the lower bowel usually results in a brighter red discharge as the haemoglobin in the blood does not have time to oxidise before being expelled.

Spunk in the stool is usually a primary indicator that the patient is a complete and utter hom - a right bottom boy. Like your dad.
approved Mar 1 2006, submitted Oct 5 2005 by anonymous user
Mental Man lived on the Perrysfield estate. He would catch any child who got too near during daily taunting sessions, and would only release them when the police were called. This happened daily, for at least six years. Neither children nor Mental Man ever learned, but Mental Man did at least have an excuse, being mental.
approved Apr 21 2003, submitted Mar 20 2003 by Dinner Dance
Very well known game, in which combatants link fingers and attempt to get the other person to say 'mercy' by damaging the other person's wrists as painfully as possible. More fun if you use the other person's hands to hit themselves mid-bout, BUT watch out for the one in 2,000 children whose wrists bend back painlessly to meet their arms.
These children can never lose at mercy, and even if they're too weak to get a mercy out of you, there's no dignity to be had from trying to hurt someone who is smiling in that sickening way that shit people have when they're doing the one thing they're good at.
Additionally, if you let go, that constitutes a 'mercy', so you're stuck - effectively holding hands - with this leering feebler, until he gets bored. And he won't get bored, because he's doing the one thing he's good at.
Just be careful, is all.
approved Oct 4 2004, submitted Feb 11 2004 by Max Cervantes, Jon Blyth
For a more painful mercy, stand back to back with your hands between your legs, grab your opponent's hands, and pull upwards.
Impotence and red piss are guaranteed for the loser. Emphasising your victory by jumping as high as you can is considered brutal, but necessary.
The only downside to the game was that it looked as though you back-bumming - see bumming "y".
approved Nov 11 2004, submitted Nov 7 2004 by Dai *
A rap written and performed by Nick Prendeghast in our festive assembly, about the birth of Jesus. It went: "There-he-lay / In-the-hay / Merry Christmas, Pucky Poo". No-one understood it, and those were the only lyrics. The choir couldn't sing after that for pissing themselves laughing, and Nick was suspended soon after.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nicola
The residential home of choice for pupils studying Community Studies between 1980-87. Once weekly visits included pupils interviewing residents, helping the staff and writing a weekly report. This culminated in the pupils coming back to Merry Hill House at the end of the school year to give presentations to the staff and residents.
One girl did a talk on 'lovely old Elspeth and her fondness for peppermint creams' Barry Rush did a song written for the residents which warmed the hearts of everyone. Then Roy Bird presented us with his highly complicated, mathematical graph of the most common causes of death amongst residents and even predicted at what age the remaining residents would die and of what cause.
Our school was subsequently banned from sending pupils to the MMH.
approved May 5 2003, submitted Apr 9 2003 by Name Withheld
MERVYN : "I've got a Mervyn" - my knickers are wedged somewhere between my buttocks and are, therefore, causing me discomfort. In order to yank them out discreetly, one must confide in a friend, "I've got a Mervyn", so that they can walk behind you, forming a shield.
MELVYN : "I've got a Melvyn" - for some reason I have been running about in a pair of ill-fitting tights. The motion of my legs and arse has caused the tights to slowly wend their way down my thighs. The crotch is now suspended between my knees, allowing me to part my feet by no more than six inches, and meaning that the cold air is now circulating around my knickers, buttocks and upper thighs. Don't run in ill-fitting pairs of tights, you will only end up with a Melvyn.
MAUSTYN : "I've got a Maustyn" (pronounced "Moss-tin"). My sleeping bag zip is very stiff, and while I was fiercely yanking it up, I somehow managed to wedge the end up my arse. This is most painful, but results in much mirth at sleepovers. Whoever looks most uncomfortable has definitely got a Maustyn.
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Holly