The Law of the Playground
the letter m
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The only lesson in which it is possible to make death stars, and burn the ceiling with welding equipment.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
Also an excellent opportunity for Andrew Marshall to demonstrate a preternatural hatred of the Welsh by thrusting a lit brazing torch into the face of an unsuspecting classmate from the valleys, causing rapid cremation of eyebrows and eyelashes, as well as redefining an adolesecent hairline to the degree that his victim strongly resembled "Ask the Family" host, Robert Robinson.

Is this the same Andrew Marshall that went on to write 2.4 Children, we wonder? Fans of the BBC Gentle-com doing a Google search on their favourite writer may have cause for concern. Though it would explain the episode where Bill (after a series of hilarious misunderstandings) finds herself trapped under a papier-mch dinosaur with a naked plumber and escapes by burning the face off a welshman.
approved May 7 2003, submitted Feb 20 2003 by Mong Boy
The metal rulers at our school were in a rack labelled "Metal Rules", prompting us 'metallers' to shout "METAL RULES!" whenever passing it. I find more and more recently that this is true.
approved Oct 24 2003, submitted Oct 22 2003 by Cravex ,
You know when you sharpen a pencil, right? And you're excited, because you're going to draw a picture of your family outside your house, and you've learned how to draw bricks and what're probably seagulls.
But when you apply pencil to paper, the nib of your brilliant new sharp pencil gives, and flakes out to one side.
Pulling out the nubbin of graphite, you start to sharpen the pencil again. But now, you have about an eighth of an inch of futile non-sharpening, in which there is no "lead", just a broken collar of wood. While you do this, the mental image of your family outside your house is fading, like the photo of Marty McFly in Back to the Future.
After seconds seeming like minutes, you will have sharpened the pencil again, and paid no heed to the clicking sound that didn't feel like a natural part of the pencil-sharpening process. This recklessness will come back to haunt you, sooner than you think.
With your tongue hooked over your top lip, you start to draw the outline of your father's head. After a quarter of the circle is completed, your fingertips sense something awry, and it feels like a premonition when the pencil lead snaps once again.
That feeling of foresight leads to an overwhelmingly frustrating sense of I could have done something to stop it. This, heaped on top of the injustice of a twice-snapping pencil, can bring tears of impotence to the child who just wants to draw his mummy and daddy holding hands.
The explanation given by mothers and scientists in this situation is that "it's probably snapped in the middle".
approved Nov 1 2004, submitted Nov 1 2004 by Jon Blyth
A similarly horrifying experience was if the snapped-off pencil lead stayed stuck in the end of the sharpener, causing the blade to slide impotently over the wood, no matter how hard you turned the pencil. Brown pencil crayons were particularly prone to this snapping-off phenomenon, and were guaranteed to provoke tears of hot frustration when you were in the middle of colouring in a picture of a big, fat poo.
approved Nov 27 2004, submitted Nov 1 2004 by Nick Hunt
Extended Play
In order to extend a playtime, the entire school would throw their bags into a massive teetering pile toward the end of break. Obviously the teachers couldn't allow us back into class without our bags, so they all had to be sorted.
Midland Extended Play
Extended play became even more extended when the Midland (the only local bank) offered every child a free low-rent black nylon holdall, if they opened an account. By the time we'd sorted over a hundred identical black bags to their proper owners, it was dinner time.
Except for the flash cunt with the Head bag, who went in on time and had to do some hard sums.
approved Oct 11 2004, submitted Nov 1 2003 by Ben King
Myself and two freaks used to sing this inspired "non-scanning" version of the theme tune. "Mighty Mouse is on the way. Here he comes to make your day even greener." After which we would make massive bringing-up-snot noises. We were nine.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
In the days before Thatcher stole our breaktime school milk, the bottles were delivered to my Primary school in two differently-coloured crates.
It was crucial that you got your bottle from the green crate because, of course, "Green green, the football team". Taking one from the red crate was social death, because, naturally, "red red, you wet your bed".
Milk from the red crate definitely tasted worse as well.
approved Oct 11 2005, submitted Oct 10 2005 by anonymous user
Rather than play such mainstream games at lunch such as football, my friends and I used to save our cash for the lunchtime game of Milkshake Fights. Standing at either end of the playground, teams would lob strawberry and chocolate milkshake cartons at each other with the hope of getting someone else's shoes messy.

I once hit a hard kid by accident, but escaped a beating by saying that my brother was as hard as nails. I suspect that the fact this ploy worked says more about Ryan Peters pussydom than it does about my brother.
approved Feb 17 2006, submitted Sep 15 2005 by David Grant
Two teams, one playground/car park. One (unopened) can of coke. The can is thrown back and forth, and must keep moving until it's empty. Sometimes it's a little pinhole fracture that forces the liquid out like a fire hose, sometimes it's a catastrophic-failure explosion. Or if you're very lucky, it's Simon Jarvis ending up concussed, blood running down his face, while a fit-to-burst yet still unopen can rolls gently down the kerb.
approved Mar 27 2006, submitted Feb 20 2006 by Zastrozzi the Master of Discip
Mr Travers was a very old supply teacher who had hair the creamy-yellowish colour of a Milky Bar. It was therefore traditional to greet his entry into the classroom with a rousing chorus of the Milky Bar song. We enjoyed a love-hate relationship with him until the day Rachel Dawes put a drawing pin on his chair and he sat on it and morphed into the fire-breathing detention-giver of doom.
approved Aug 1 2005, submitted Jul 4 2005 by anonymous user
The only legitimate nickname for the class albino.

Apart from Superhonky of course. And the slightly less popular Senor Blinky.

approved Apr 15 2004, submitted Nov 12 2003 by Name Withheld
What about Casper? Great White? Cue-ball? Mary Whitehouse? Mr White White McWhitey White, the Whitest White with WEIRD EYES?

approved Apr 24 2004, submitted Apr 22 2004 by Mouse Harden
The cheeky little cheeses were a source of endless fun for tykes like myself. A 'hotpipe' area where coats would hang from heated piping was the prime opportunity to balance the red wax casing, and let it drip down people's coats.
We became known as - well, we called ourselves - The Stabbers because of the horrific Ripper-esque bloodstains from the red patches of molten wax. It may not have been as dramatic as I'm making it sound.
approved Dec 15 2003, submitted Dec 12 2003 by Andy Lizard
Hands-on parody of the popular TV advert in which a mother would shout "mini kievs" and her family would drop everything and rush to the dining table. Quite simply, a classmate would poke his head round the door just as a lesson was about to start. He or she would shout "mini kievs", and the entire class would run cheerfully out of the lesson. Never to return.
approved Mar 1 2003, submitted Feb 18 2003 by Andy Cowling
A child with an exceptionally small penis. i.e. a penis so small, it could fit in the hole of a Polo Mint.
Accusations of minterdom are rarely backed up with any form of medical or photographic evidence.
approved May 6 2003, submitted Dec 17 2002 by anonymous user
The only foolproof get-out clause for any given insult. This retort is to be delivered quickly and breathlessly, and for extra kick, suffixed with "no returns!"
approved Dec 27 2002, submitted Dec 22 2002 by nic denholm
"If you're Miss Holland, there must be some bloody ugly people in Holland." Cue hilarity.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Si G.
Miss Lee was our hippy Deputy Head who ran meditation sessions some lunchtimes. It proved quite popular, but you had to make sure you wore your gym shorts, because everyone knew that Miss Lee lifted up your skirt when you were 'hypnotised'.
No thought was given to how someone COULD hypnotise a whole room of girls or why she would WANT to look up girls' skirts.
approved Oct 27 2005, submitted Oct 26 2005 by _the _brain
My 2nd year Maths teacher had a regular habit of "dropping" pencils next to girls who were wearing short skirts, so that when he went to pick them up, he'd grab a sneak peek.
He's now a supporters representative of a football club and, as a journalist, I have briefed my colleagues of his previous reputation. So when he has occasion to make an appearance at a press conference to moan about managers/chairmen etc, the air is filled with the sound of the assembled press dropping pencils on the floor.
We're onto you, Perv.
approved Jan 7 2006, submitted Jan 6 2006 by anonymous user
Miss Pugh was originally renamed Miss Spew, until we realised that Pugh rhymes with nearly everything. We got this far before our young vocabularies ran out;

I saw you, and Scooby Doo, in the loo at half past two, in london Zoo shagging Miss Pugh while doing a poo in your shoe.

Nowadays, of course, we'd have had lines like "you eschew my poos of reddish hue to guzzle the goo of a kangaroo". But back then, it was all about foot-scat cottaging threesomes with dogs.
approved Jan 2 2006, submitted Oct 10 2005 by g peacock
When playing Battleships in study period, under the tolerant eye of a female teacher, be sure to report unlucky guesses with a plaintive "Miss...", thus ensuring that she constantly has to look up from her work.
approved Aug 25 2003, submitted Aug 24 2003 by anonymous user
Our English teacher, Miss Richardson, was notable for her complete inability to maintain order in the classroom. Then she became pregnant. Get in.
Someone would shout out "Miss!" to get her attention. Someone else would follow this up by shouting "carriage!". She loved us for that.
approved Jul 26 2005, submitted Jul 21 2005 by anonymous user
Mr Jenkins (cross between Sylvester McCoy and Windsor Davies) sputtered with rage every assembly about the danger of Swizzle Lollys. Apperently if dropped from the tower block windows, they would ACT AS A MISSILE, and if a child looked up and was hit by such a lolly, THE CONTENTS OF THEIR EYE WOULD LITERALLY SPILL OUT! Naturally, our young imaginations were set alight, and many experiments ensued with kids being forced to look up with open eyes at the windows while lollies were aimed at their face. With disappointing, spill-free results.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Lydia Jones
Mo: Abbreviation of Homo. Also a verb, "he moes/he mo-ed/they are mowing." To gay up.

(Lengthy entry ruthlessly trimmed to size by Susan)
approved Mar 14 2003, submitted Dec 21 2002 by red andy
A gay kid at school.

Adapted the music lesson song 'Run Mo' to be specifically about his gay exploits.

Mo & Mo had a porno store
Bumming each other behind the door
BNP run in, and Mo run out
Mo begin to scream and shout
Run Mo, BNP at the door
Run Mo, BNP won't let me go
Run Mo, run as fast as you can
Run Mo, BNP are holding my hand
approved May 12 2003, submitted Apr 10 2003 by Ali Baloney
The method by which you got rid of a person you no longer wished to associated yourself with. The least popular person of the group, you sent them to the nearest chip shop for the mockjop supper, and when they returned you had all buggered off.
This left the poor supper-ee bewildered, confused, and thoroughly rejected. But with a nice bit of fish.
approved Apr 17 2005, submitted Apr 5 2003 by Brother Benji Whatever