The Law of the Playground
the letter m
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Word owing its origin to a fusion of the two words molecule and models. These brightly coloured kits of plastic balls and flexible grey sticks were routinely handed out in organic chemistry classes to allow pupils to visualize complex hydrocarbons by building them themselves.
The perennial teacher cry of "don't just make a man and a dog" was traditionally met by a bunch of children waving a man and his little dog.
approved Feb 11 2005, submitted Jan 11 2005 by anonymous user
We took this one a stage further by making things that kind of looked like rhinos. They could use their horns to flick smaller molecules across a table. We used to play complex games of Rhino Tennis with these, the winner being the one who didn't block the sink with a hydrogen or get caught.
I am now studying Chemistry as a degree, which just shows how good they were.
I do miss them.
approved Apr 20 2006, submitted Mar 8 2006 by Kevin Davey
Say this while holding your hand out requesting a charitable donation. Best said as 'Money for the creeple, cream for my neeple' as it sounds desperate and convincing.
No-one ever asked about the whereabouts of the 'creeple', or to see the affected 'neeple', nor did they technically actually donate any money. Still, it's better than bloody Children in Need, isn't it?
approved Dec 3 2006, submitted Nov 8 2006 by Joe Breeze
The name given to those high-topped American trucker caps with mesh at the back. Became all the rage for a while. Name derives from the fact that all Mongs wear these caps. All the time. (As indeed do cancer patients).

The classic "Damn seagulls" mong cap, replete with hilarious fake bird poo, would be worn for mong-acting sessions, moaning "Damn seagulls" in a retarded voice and swiping at imaginary seagulls.
approved Mar 6 2003, submitted Dec 19 2002 by Tyrannosaurus Flex
A toy that - if you weren't educationally subnormal - would be snatched from you and confiscated, with an unsympathetic order to "grow up".
You are only allowed a mong dolly if a) you are a mong, and b) you're willing to cry for six hours if anyone so much as touches it.
approved Oct 26 2004, submitted Oct 14 2004 by anonymous user
Tom Williams had a retarded sister. One day I went to visit him, she answered the door, took us into the kitchen and made us coffee. We brought it to our lips and discovered she'd put lumps of cheese into it. To celebrate this, we wrote her The Mong Stuff, to the tune of NKOTB's The Right Stuff.
Your first wheelchair was a good one
your second one was shit
The third one's got BMX wheels
Can I have a ride in it?
You've got the mong stuff
That's why you chew toffee
You've got the mong stuff
Why'd you put cheese in the coffee?
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Gareth Jones
There were a few kids in our school unfortunate to be born with Down's Syndrome. One of these was particulally violent when provoked by somewhat unusual things. For example, fire alarms and pencils. When on one of his funny turns, he was granted tremendous Mong Power by the Lord, and would deal out tremendous, often uncalled for beatings to anyone who got too close. We didn't see much of Mong the Merciless after this had happened a few times, as he was forced to leave our school to be moved to a special unit. God knows where he is now, but I wouldn't be suprised if it was fairly secure and had plenty of sedatives near by. Poor Bastard.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Cheeky Dave
I was told that monks in France used to suck mercury off the floor using their anuses, hold it in their rectums for short amounts of time, then let it back out again. Apparently doing this aided relaxation and provided relief from stress. I did believe his story until I realised that sucking things up with your arse isn't really feasible.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rickybaby
An unfortunate girl with severe learning disabilities who shat herself. She ran from the classroom and came back in saying "I was halfway down the stairs when it just slipped out". She had to wear the secretarys pants for the rest of the day. I also flicked a mackerel's eye into her hair, but not on the same day.
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Wilster
A particularly spotty individual who was deemed to have more than just a crater-face amount of acne.
approved Aug 10 2005, submitted Aug 2 2005 by anonymous user
Looking at "fuck fuck willy willy wank wank piss" reminded me of a phrase I concocted in those 'fuck the system' times everyone has in the fifth form. The phrase, scribbled in red felt-tip pen in my history exercise book, was MOOQUACKAPOOTOOWEEWILLYPLOP* which is as rousing a cry to revolution as the masses have ever heard. Shortly afterwards many of my friends found God and stopped indulging in such puerile behaviour. Remaining heathen and filled with revolutionary fervour, I soon abandoned all pretence of doing history homework, instead decorating the pages of my exercise book with such masterpieces as "ah am de weel tar-zan" and "ziggyziggyzoo". These manifestoes, though beautifully illustrated, did not endear me to the history teacher. * pronounced, naturally enough, as 'moo-quacka-poo-too-wee-willy-plop'
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Phil Glansvile
This should be bellowed at volume in a packed corridor, giving all present license to start shoving and punching those in close proximity.
approved Apr 24 2005, submitted Nov 14 2004 by jon james
We had developed a habit of riding invisible motorcycles around the corridors of our secondary school, accompanied by sound effects. As this was done without regard for the health & safety of non-participants, the headmaster saw fit to ban the practice.

One day he had caught Kenneth Keene and James Spencer joyriding in the corridor, and was in the middle of giving them a ticking off when another 'biker' came tearing past them. The furious head shouted at Ken to go after the boy and bring him back, so Ken climbed on his imaginary bike, kickstarted it and roared off in hot pursuit.
approved Oct 19 2008, submitted Sep 2 2006 by Jon Calderbank-Roach
Michael Michael Motorcycle,
Turn the key and watch him pee.

The stock schoolyard chant for when you wanted to torment someone by the name of Michael for no other reason than the fact that his name was Michael.
Other popular variants include "John John Leprechaun", who also did a pee when you turned a key.
approved Jul 13 2004, submitted May 1 2004 by anonymous user
The title of a popular cartoon of mine, starring a weeping bear lying in a bed, a large puddle of piss spreading beneath him.
The phrase "Mr Bear has wet himself" was inexpicably funny.
The original "Mr Bear" drawing has long since disappeared, although rumours of a copy on E-bay selling for 6 remain unsubstantiated.
approved Dec 16 2002, submitted Dec 16 2002 by Ben Baker
Mr Jennar had to wear glasses with lenses like icecubes. To help him out I would do my homework in impossibly small writing using a 0.015 Rotring art pen and a magnifying glass; I found that by doing this I generally got improved marks. I can only assume that he didn't want to let on that he was technically blind, and simply gave my shoddy offerings the benefit of the doubt.
approved Oct 24 2003, submitted Oct 4 2003 by Andy Mansh
We had a supply teacher in year 6 called Mr Maughan who was blind in one eye. Consequently, his eyes appeared to look in different directions.
When he shouted, "You boy!! Stand up!", a lack of further clarification would result in anywhere between 2 and 20 boys standing up, mostly looking confused and bewildered at having been pulled away from a really good long division sum.
approved Apr 27 2005, submitted Apr 26 2005 by Name Withheld
A huge and ferocious spider kept in a jar by David Margetts and Robert Clarke during a nature project at primary school.

Other boys caught their own spiders who were brought in to challenge Mr Jolly's arachnid supremacy. Mr Jolly tore the legs off and subsequently ate any spider foolish enough to enter his battle-jar. He was HARD!

The girls' spider was called Fred and they wouldn't let him fight Mr Jolly. My God, girls are shit.
approved Jul 25 2005, submitted Jun 21 2005 by Name Withheld
A bullying opportunity which crossed cultural and social barriers.
It was originally based around the rumour that Mr Randall used to be a member of the SAS and that he kept his black embassy storming suit in a small shed behind the art block.
Victims from lower years would be invited to see it, but their excitement upon entering would soon turn to panic as the shed door was closed behind them and wedged shut.
With a variation of the bait used, anyone, no matter how weedy, could terrorize an even weedier pupil from a lower year.
Thus the geek kids in my year were once seen enticing a bespectacled "quiet child" from the first year into the shed. Probably with the promise that the shed contained a very rare D&D figure, an exciting range of chemistry apparatus or a girl with meccano tits.
approved May 5 2005, submitted Apr 27 2005 by Tony Green
Music teacher. Quotes included;
  • "Tell me, exactly what is funk?" - after Jack said that his composition was based on funk.
  • "Tell me, exactly what is soul?" - after Jack said that funk derives from soul.
  • On Elvis Costello - "I thought Jailhouse Rock was excellent"
  • "Of course, you can only get electric bass guitars"
And, outside of music:
  • "You know, when we went over to sort out Afghanistan, I think we all expected to see them all living in tents and mud huts and things, but it was clear they'd derived some of the building ideas from the west"
  • After laughing raucously for about two minutes - "What am I laughing about?"

He also reckoned that I listened to "outrageous music" after performing a Beatles song and a Red Hot Chili Peppers song for performance. Outrageous indeed...
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Jul 6 2003 by Charlie Webb
Mr Winklemann, our German teacher, loves ducks.
Sensing mickey-taking, he once put a student into detention when he went up to him and told him (in German, mind) that he too 'liked ducks'.
He has a pet duck, and once said that the TV show, Inspector Rex, would be better, and worth watching, if his duck was in it.
approved Sep 23 2006, submitted Sep 22 2006 by anonymous user
Mr. Marsden's classroom was right next to one of the boy's toilets. One day we caught Marsden's son Owen in the cubicle with his ear pressed against the wall, listening to his Dad teach whilst having a big fat wank.
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Feb 6 2004 by waffle .