The Law of the Playground
the letter n
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The range of cheap saturday market coats as worn by poor children. Inspired the song 'Nanny Annie Fishy Fanny Condom Fifty-Four'.
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Apr 8 2003 by James Black
A similar kind of thing were 'Kenwood' and 'Pioneer' jackets, which were considered to be a mark of distinction and street credibility.
The lustre faded a little when we discovered they were five quid a pop from the local market.
approved Jul 25 2003, submitted Jul 23 2003 by Ed Ryan
Since I lived in a town full of pikeys, owning a NaffCO54 jacket was the biznitch. People in Naf Naf coats were pointed at laughed at for being a bunch of hoity-toity poofs. All a matter of perspective really...
approved Oct 23 2003, submitted Aug 6 2003 by Mel McGinn
We were told a bizzare story from the Bible about Jesus arriving at a city and the children being so happy that the took off all their clothes and threw them at him (so maybe Michael Jackson's messianic posturing fits more snugly with his private life than you might think). People taking their clothes off is more than any group of six-year-olds should be expected to deal with, but Mrs Dodman chose to illustrate this dirty, dirty story with fuzzy-felt style figures with removeable clothes stuck up on a big notice board. Her sensitive treatment of an important moment in the life of our Lord was wrecked by a hall full of children laughing and pointing. The thing is, I can't remember any other Bible stories being dealt with in this way, so it must have been a one-off. Where do you get these things from? Is there an under the counter service at the SPCK bookshop?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by S. Hewitt
Preston's uncle, a keen ichthologist, used to grab Preston, and pin him to the ground, screaming, "NAME 50 FISH! NAME 50 FISH!"
Presumably, Preston was not released until he had named 50 fish. Preston's story should be taken with a grain of salt, however, because he was in special education, and would not have been taught about naming fish.
approved Feb 22 2004, submitted Feb 15 2004 by Name Withheld
At a time when 2unlimited shit classic "No Limits" was riding high in the charts, this became a brief insult for the bigger nosed members of the school. In particular, Nathan.
Nose Nose, Nose-Nose
Nose Nose, Nose-Nose
Nose Nose, Your Nose
(suggested optional extra :
it knows no limits - it reaches the sky,
it flies round the room - and pokes out my eye
- Log)
approved Sep 24 2003, submitted Jul 15 2003 by jenny harper
Not that we were racist, or anything, but we had the idea of the Nation of Domination, wherein black people would be put into tubes and forced to drown on their own excrement. Very slowly. We never told that to anyone, and no-one knew what the Nation of Domination was, except a select few. Then came the day that our black friend wanted to join.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Stephen Bray
If a music teacher is using the National Anthem to illustrate some point or another, it is your duty to the Queen to stand up every time it's played. It's doubly important to do this if the treasonous order is given not to.
If the national anthems of other countries are played, be a part of the global village by standing for those, too. If you are told not to stand to these, say "ar, sir, don't be racist".
approved Oct 8 2004, submitted Dec 26 2003 by anonymous user
Crap looking half red, half blue, credit card style bits of plastic that you received around the time of your sixteenth birthday.

At first these gained much kudos as a mark that you had reached maturity.

That was until 'Pikey Steve' got his, and it was decided that it had been sent by the government as a hint that at least SOMEONE in his family should go and get a fucking job.
approved Oct 7 2007, submitted Oct 27 2006 by anonymous user
My cousin played the innkeeper in his school nativity, and was disappointed to receive relatively few lines. So he improvised. On being asked whether there was any room at the inn, he declared it to be virtually empty, and went on to extol the virtues of his accommodation, including room tariffs.
approved Dec 29 2003, submitted Dec 9 2003 by andy dunn
The Observational Comedy Rules of School Nativity Plays
  1. Only the Teachers pets get to play Mary and Joseph. Only the retards get to play animals.
  2. Every costume must contain a tea towel.
  3. Despite what you see in SitComs, real goats are very rarely used, and it's even rarer for them to put their heads in the swaddling and eat Jesus' face.
  4. Before uttering any lines, one kid must burst into tears on stage and be taken off by a teacher.
  5. Lo, there shall be tambourines, and coconut halves, and bells on a stick, and yay, they shall be jangled and clopped.
  6. The tea-towel:tin-foil ratio will be affected by the decision to have three wise men (headscarves), or three kings (crowns).
    One year, the teachers decided that a foil star dangled from a stick was not enough, and that I would have to dress up as a big fucking star and put on top of a step-ladder for ten minutes.
    The innkeeper knocked me over whilst exiting the stage, and I collapsed on top of a sheep, which stood up and kicked me.
approved Nov 11 2004, submitted Oct 25 2004 by Nick Kent
A helpful parent made a number of wooden swords for the kids who were cast as Roman soldiers. These proved so popular that it became impossible to persuade any boys to take non-soldier roles. After cajoling, pleading and finally threatening had failed to engender any interest in the other roles, the teachers took the unprecedented step of arming all the boy characters.
And Lo! Shepherds, innkeepers, wise men and even the bloody donkey all celebrated the birth of Christ armed to the fucking teeth with murderous excitement in their eyes.
approved Jul 26 2005, submitted Jul 20 2005 by Tony Green
Nativity Rule #7

Seventies Asian kids would be automatically assigned Three Kings roles.
approved May 1 2006, submitted Apr 24 2006 by Clive Barnes
In Autumn, the hedgerows are full of fat, red rosehips, which can be split open to reveal small, hairy seeds. These seeds can then be shoved down someone's shirt where they will itch like buggery, and cause bright scarlet rashes.
Precociously recounting this fact in a second-year biology class earned me the moniker "Nature Boy" from the indulgent teacher.
This was to be a short-lived glory however, as at the start of the every new school year, I'd be pinned to the ground and covered with rosehip seeds by a snarling mob chanting "NAY-CHUR BUH-MER" at me. When the rosehips ran out, they moved on to conkers.
Autumn is not my favourite season.
approved Aug 29 2005, submitted Aug 25 2005 by Nick Hunt
A group of about six girls, who claimed to be an "environmental" group and received permission to use the library for our "meetings". We even had a logo, which we drew on our official membership cards and notebooks (crafted from stapled foolscap). In actual fact the name of the club was simply a cover for its real purpose, which was to sit around and write secret-code gossipy messages about Andrea. The club lasted for a week, until the rest of the class found out about the Nature Girls and its crappy name and laughed it out of existence.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Poppy
The swastika is a potent symbol, massive swastikas made up from chairs in the classroom more so. So we assembled one. It worked, but the culprits hadn't thought about quite how pissed off the Jews might be by this - certainly no-one had considered that they might complain to the head of year. The school, entirely understandably given that about 30% of its pupils were Jewish, took a deeply dim view of neo-Nazism, which taught us an important lesson. Extreme right-wing politics, fascism, and genocide are bad, okay kids?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Bedslug
A cruel show performed by girls, built on the relentless requests by boys for a flash of their knickers. The skirt would be lifted and folded in a carefully calculated fan-formation to the following song;
One, two, three, four,
come on boys and see some more!
Five, six, seven, eight,
Sorry boys you're just too late.
At this point the skirt would be released back to it's full length, just before any part of the knickers had been revealed, leaving the boys to punch their own palms in cartoonish frustration.
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Kevin Downey
A girl in my first school was not such a tease...

If you were quick enough to run back to the classroom after P.E, Helen Whitton would take her knickers off, stand on the desk and turn around. In addition to this spinning top of prepubescent wank fantasy, she would also sit on your lap in exchange for marbles.

Helen now plays for the Sussex County Womens football team (pictured top row, 2nd in from the left).

approved Jun 24 2005, submitted Jun 23 2005 by anonymous user
A universally popular game at my elementary school.

1. A girl shouts "neener-neener-neener" at a boy and then runs away.
2. The boy chases the girl until he catches up with her.
3. The girl beats the boy up.

If a boy does not give chase, that means he wants to cut straight to the beating. It is considered polite to oblige his unspoken wish.

Surprisingly, boys usually played this game enthusiastically and frequently. It lasted for the entire two years I attended the school, with no reaction but bemusement from the teachers at the sight of five-year-old boys happily being kicked repeatedly by girls until they fell over.
approved Oct 28 2006, submitted Oct 19 2006 by anonymous user
One so dull that their joining a group has a similar effect to a funny, popular person leaving. One such personality went on to become the Lib Dem candidate somewhere in West Lothian in the 1997 General Election.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Bedslug
Simon Larkins was so dull he was given a negative nickname. He was known as Simon 'Simon Larkins' Larkins.
approved Feb 15 2005, submitted Dec 31 2004 by Andrew Cross
It is traditional to stamp on a pair of new shoes on sight if they are worn by weaker children. In the case of Ian Lunn, the Headmaster was fair game too.

It was this sort of behaviour that saw Ian in lunchtime detention for three entire years.
approved Apr 21 2005, submitted Nov 25 2004 by ryan joyce
It was common practice at my first secondary school for the upper 6th to ask first years "Hello, are you new?". You would invariably think they were extending the hand of friendship and answer "Yes." At this point the 6th former would say "Hello New" and he and all his friends would collapse with laughter. After a few times, when you had wised up you might try replying "No." This was met with the logically baffling "Hello No" and even more laughter, and probably a thump.
approved Dec 11 2002, submitted Dec 11 2002 by Chief Chirpa
I must have attended the only nice person's school in the country. The worst bullying ever that I can remember was that there was a fat girl who didn't get much sun and was rather pale. She also had very pale hair. She was like a self-imposed albino. We used to call her 'Moomim' because she kind of looked like one of those cute hippo-like creatures on TV at the time.
Had she attended one of your schools, she'd have been called 'Albino Cunt Bitch', repeatedly abused to the verge of mass rape, then exposed to some kind of (dog) poo-related activity that you're all so fond of.
Readers! Have you had surgery that has replaced your real memories with birdsong and rainbows? If so, please use this entry to tell us your heartwarming tales of calling fat kids Mr Healthy Appetite, and calling the effeminate kid Captain Diversity. We'd love to hear how idyllic life was for you. - Log
approved Apr 13 2005, submitted Nov 18 2003 by anonymous user
In primary school, the worst torment I suffered was a bunch of older boys always calling me 'Chocolate Biscuit'. This might have been a moderate insult, had I been black. But I'm not.
I also got called 'funnyless'. Were they trying to say 'fannyless'? Either way, it was terribly difficult for me to feel bothered.
Thank God secondary school was crueller - otherwise I'd have died of boredom.
approved Apr 27 2005, submitted Apr 25 2005 by Name Withheld
Having read the above submission, I feel that the fat girl discussed has really missed out on the full playground experience:
Why, just in the last few minutes I have come up with the following:
  • Moonmin-troll (a variation on the building blocks already provided)
  • Rentaghost
  • The New Shmoo
  • The Phantom
  • Snow White
  • Gippo - (if she went to our school and lived at Springfield Road)
Please pass these comments onto her her, not forgetting to steal her lunch money, and give her a punch in her pasty fat stupid tits.
approved Apr 27 2005, submitted Apr 27 2005 by anonymous user
When our Home Counties primary school welcomed its first Chinese pupil, the child was accepted immediately, simply because he came from the same part of the world as Monkey.
There were no Ching Chong Chinaman jokes. He was followed by a legion of disciples, in the hope that they would be shown how to fight better or summon a cloud from the sky.
approved May 15 2005, submitted May 9 2005 by Tony Green
Double French is never a highlight of the week, unless a member of the previous class has left a pair of highly skidmarked girls underpants on the floor.
The true culprit was never discovered but kids need a victim, and that victim was Sylvia. As punishment she was shut in a classroom as we banged on the windows singing Nicholas (knicker-less, geddit?) and threw our (clean) gym knickers at the window.
approved Mar 11 2003, submitted Feb 17 2003 by Kathryn Hudson
If your name is Nicholas, you should never admit to going commando on wash-day.
approved Jul 25 2005, submitted Jun 22 2005 by anonymous user
To develop an erection whilst bouncing on a trampoline. The poor bastard never lived it down.
approved Oct 14 2003, submitted Oct 9 2003 by James Palmer
Nick was a goofy, scruffy kid who transferred in to our school in the second year. He was forever kicking a tennis ball around the plaground, and his shoes were a regular casualty.
Eventually, his mom got fed up of buying him new ones and told him to glue the soles back together on the old ones and give them a good polish.
Polishing was easy; but no glue was to be had at Nick's place and, not being arsed to head up to the local shopping center, Nick found a nail and nailed his sole back on. The fact that it was a 1-inch nail - thoughtfully whacked right through the middle of the sole so he would only need one - didn't become an issue until the next morning, when he discovered that walking on it caused the nail to repeatedly pierce his foot. Quite deeply, too, much to our amusement.
It was still fairly amusing two weeks later when it went septic.
approved Aug 18 2005, submitted Aug 16 2005 by Dale Taylor