The Law of the Playground
the letter n
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After playing "speednob" on your exercise book, one method of correction was making them look like Norman soldiers. This is done by extending the 'jap line' down beyond the 'head line', making the nose guard of the Normal helmet, and adding a face. Additional realism could be achieved by adding a little arm holding a spear or sword, and shield.
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Tuppence
Unfortunatly this practise became pointless after it was realised that with just a few strokes of a biro a mane of pubes could be created. It is true - I speak from experience - that a pair of hairy bollocks can never look like anything other than a pair of hairy bollocks, no matter how many swords it has in its hands.
approved Jun 24 2004, submitted Feb 14 2004 by Nossidge Man
Onomatopoeic; a blow job. Funnier since Ikea took it up as an advertising slogan. Incidentally, the only real naughtiness in the IKEA catalogue is the RIMMA guest towel.
approved Feb 5 2003, submitted Jan 30 2003 by Kirsty Bennett
No-one hasn't gone through the entire Ikea catalogue, searching for even the vaguest rudeness. It takes a little dedication, but then, you find gold;

So you throw back your head and laugh - those Swedish! But that's not enough - you're on a roll, now you've had the Fartyg. So you spent two more determined hours, and eventually... you find something! And it's good! God, it's good!

Ha ha! A bummer rang for you. Yes. He was Swedish! Crazy Swedish bummers have been ringing you all day!
But then comes a long, dry patch, during which you doctor the VIPS pastry brush to look like NIPS. By now, your head is utterly full of these meaningless Swedishnesses. You're desperate for an excuse to see something, anything recognisable...

Ha ha! Stupid Swedish cow, with you smelly Udder BO. Rinse your udders, you filthy smelly cow! You laugh to yourself, but you know you're scraping the bottom of the barrel. Appalled at yourself, that you've spent the best part of a day idly leafing through an Ikea catalogue with no intention of even buying anything, you throw the book away.
That night, you dream in Swedish. And you dream of a range of glassware.

When you wake up, you won't know whether it was a dream or not. You'll go to that discarded catalogue, you will wipe the old food from the cover, and you'll spend the rest of the day trying to make Vika Manne sound rude in your head.
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Apr 17 2004 by Jon Blyth, Ben Ashmead
A sensetive - if somewhat addling to a child - way of describing someone with a terminal illness.
approved Dec 17 2003, submitted Dec 17 2003 by Name Withheld, Jon Blyth
Simon Paul once turned up to a games lesson with this little beauty:
"Dear Mr. Grant, Please excuse Simon from games today as he has had cold and is feeling a little floppy.
Mrs. Paul"

I'd like to say we ripped him apart for it, but there was no need - he was already the long-haired son of a local vicar with his reputation already lying in tatters around his half-mast trousers.
So much for a merciful God.
approved Jul 22 2005, submitted Jul 22 2005 by Mr Onions
A craze that went on for far too long was getting urgently catching someone's attention, then saying "nothing" as though they were cretins for asking. It went a little something like this: "Hey John! John!" "Yes, Tuppence?" "Nothing" (cue laughter)
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Tuppence
Another variant is the slightly more sophisticated "Can I just interrupt you there?" and when they say "Yes" you say "Thanks", and walk off. This is slightly irritating, however, to people who heard Saturday Night Fry on Radio 4 in 1988, formed a strong bond with the programme, only to hear other people you had lent the tape to saying lines from it and passing it off as their own. I went up to them, and said "your behaviour is like a bad underpant - transparent and unclean."
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
What Jews are, apparently, according to a teacher at my primary school. Subtle racist undertones naturally lost on a group of cross-legged six year olds.
approved Nov 15 2005, submitted Sep 28 2005 by Peter Marshall
What about the fact that Indian people in Britain are good at medicine and cricket because their country was lucky enough be colonised in the 1800s? I know that because it was taught in a school that I went to as a despairing trainee teacher.
approved Dec 2 2005, submitted Nov 29 2005 by Medibot Evans
#3 in the lies of Troy Hawkins series.
Troy once also pulled aside a friend of mine, and told him he could get "Nuclear Hand Grenades" for a very reasonable price. Troy, we feel, had not put his usual amount of effort into making this lie believable.
approved Dec 6 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Johnzini
Tim's father worked for Crawley's largest nuclear power plant. He was also left a kilo of cocaine in his grandmother's will. Yet he was modest enough, despite his highly paid father and immense narcotic nest egg, to only wear Le Coq Sportif trainers and NHS glasses.
approved Nov 18 2003, submitted Nov 7 2003 by robert dee
Cigarette companies have been stopped from issuing Gratis Points and the like, because it's allofasudden bad to make people smoke as much as possible to earn a free umbrella.
However, when these little cards were commonplace, really hard kids could claim that they'd smoked so many fags that they'd claimed a F-16 Fighter Plane. When pressed to arrive in school in it the next day, they would say "couldn't park it, sold it to the army for a million pounds". When pressed to produce this million pounds, or any evidence of it, they would say "can't, spent it all on fags and smoked 'em".
approved Oct 7 2004, submitted Feb 5 2004 by Richard Swan
Beany said he owned a snake. He also told us that he had a swimming pool.
You can imagine how disappointed we were when we went to his house, only to find that the snake had fallen into the swimming pool and died - And as a mark of respect, and to prevent any further and unnecessary snake accidents, his dad was forced to fill the swimming pool in with concrete.
approved Apr 13 2005, submitted Nov 19 2004 by james squires
Another classic from the mouth of David Watson - apparently his grandfather had created a new serum which, when injected into the neck, allowed you to turn your head more than 180 degrees. Unfortunately, a teacher came into the classroom as we were testing if there was any serum in David's neck, thus forcing us to put up with this kind of shit for another 7 years.
approved Apr 19 2005, submitted Dec 1 2004 by Pogglesnatch
Daniel Sodaburgh's dad was the Ultimate Warrior, and his uncle was Hulk Hogan. They both had the Knight Rider car. Normal enough, I suppose, plenty of kids lie about what their parents do.

However, his mum was Batman. That's Bat MAN.

He was 12 when he told us this and no amount of backpedalling on his part made us forget it. Ever.
approved Oct 19 2008, submitted Jul 28 2006 by Name Withheld
In the periodic table, the element molybdenum (atomic weight 42) has the abbreviation of 'MO'. Obviously this being short for HOMO, proves without a doubt that '42' is therefore a completely GAY number and anyone getting 42% on an exam is a 100% vagina-decliner.
approved May 6 2003, submitted Mar 21 2003 by Rob Scott
Actually 23 is the gay number because it was the number on somene's hat who was definately gay. So there.
Readers! Do you have a number that you think is gay? Perhaps you think the number 11 looks like two thin men bumming. Perhaps, like James Matthewman, you saw a number on a gay man's hat. Perhaps you're gay yourself, and you've got a number you like to wipe on your penis. Send in those gay numbers!
approved Oct 3 2005, submitted May 10 2005 by James Matthewman
I humbly nominate the number 10 as a gay number.

There are two reasons for this.

Firstly, when Adam Blanchard announced his tenth birthday, it went like this;
Adam Blanchard : I am ten today.
Martin Bradshaw : And you're a puff.
Secondly, it was the house number of my quiet, thin, and well-dressed friend Chris. Although he wasn't actually a botter himself, the air around him was thick with the smell of gay promise.
That's good enough for me, Tony. 10 joins 23 and 42, and is officially as gay as Michael Elphick's pony. Does anyone else have a gay number they'd like to share? I want every number from 1 to 100 gayed up before sundown.
approved Oct 7 2005, submitted Oct 6 2005 by Tony Green
If you turn the number 300 on its side, it looks a bit like a bum pooing. And gays like bums (and probably poo too), therefore 300 is gay.
approved Oct 11 2005, submitted Oct 7 2005 by Nick Kent
On the wall where everyone went for a cigarettes at my school, this was written in six inch high Tippex letters..
Was it a bummer boasting the location of his sixty-fifth bum? Or did the bum refer to the "bumming" of a cigarette? Was it a mis-telling of the PEN15 joke? I didn't hang around to find out - I didn't want to be BUM66.
approved Oct 10 2005, submitted Oct 10 2005 by Name Withheld
The standard number sets you are taught in school in increasing order of complexity are natural, integers, rational, real and complex. Deciding this was too restrictive we added on the new sets of gay, lesbian and nomad numbers.

Gay numbers were any number that had a repeated digit. 66 for example. Clearly too in love with its own kind. Lesbian numbers were a complex number where the real and imaginary part were of the same value. 6 + i6 for example. Nomad numbers were numbers that changed every day depending on where you were on the world and could only be found out by connecting via satellite to the international nomad number determination board. In reality I made them up.
approved Jan 11 2006, submitted Oct 28 2005 by anonymous user
How to cheer up boring wet breaks. First get your hands on two bolts, one nut and a packet of Swan matches. Screw one bolt a turn and a half into the nut then fill the centre of the remaining hole in the nut with the 'explosive' material off the top of a number of matches. Carefully screw the second bolt in, not too fast or you could end up with a burnt hand. This done, you're ready with a primed explosive projectile device. I can't remember anyone getting hurt but it was exciting at the time - and noisy especially when the coat racks got a strike!
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Professor/Paranoid Android
Someone of lower intelligence than than the rest of their group. Nutjobs were often administered chapatees, swift slaps to the forehead that made such a satisfying noise that people would turn from their conversations to say "that's good chapatee".
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Robertson
Good, clean fun that also helps control the population.
Nutshots was a game played over a three year period and involved a random, sudden and totally unexpected kick or punch to the testicles. The nutshot could come at any time of day or night. A strong emphasis on creativity - for example an out-of-the-blue backfist into the crotch during conversation - ensured that the tension and excitement of nutshots remained at a premium.
approved Aug 27 2006, submitted Apr 16 2006 by Name Withheld