The Law of the Playground
the letter o
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Sometimes, you see a bit of youthful good-natured vandalism, and you think Jesus, you outstanding retards, you've just missed the opportunity of your lives..
approved Oct 6 2004, submitted Feb 22 2004 by Jon Blyth
A randomly detemined day in which everything you say means the opposite. For example, if you denied that you were madly in love with Alex, who smelt of poo, your friend could then laugh and say "Haha, it's actually opposite day, so you just said you love Alex!" and then run off to tell the whole playground.
The problem with this was that by saying "It's opposite day" on opposite day, you were actually saying that it WASN'T opposite day. This, however, was entirely beyond our 9-year-old minds, who really just wanted an excuse to tell the entire school that you loved Alex.
approved Nov 24 2003, submitted Nov 19 2003 by anonymous user
A variant on Opposite Day was the Opposite Game. The initiator of the game would ask, ofr example, 'Do you shag your dog? By the way, we're playing the opposite game.'
Answer No : means you shag your dog, because we're playing the Opposites Game, so no means yes.
Answer Yes : means you shag you dog, because we're playing the opposites game, which means that to say "we're playing the opposites game" means "we are no longer playing the opposites game". In which case yes means yes. So you do shag your dog. And you don't even have the decency to try and hide it.
approved Apr 13 2005, submitted Feb 29 2004 by Marty McFly
Our school refined the concept of Opposite Day brilliantly. The plan is simple; go up to someone and ask them if they're gay. When they say no, inform them it's opposite day and that they are therefore very, very gay indeed. Coax them into saying "Yes I AM GAY", and then proceed to beat them mercilessly. For being gay.
I still use the basic technique today with my girlfriend when I can't be arsed making a cup of tea. True genius never ages.
approved Apr 14 2005, submitted Mar 26 2004 by Name Withheld
To demonstrate how hard you are, claim that you can grip the hardest on a thorny stalk. Then look as indignantly agonised as you can, whilst maintaining the loosest possible grip on the thorns. Other 'hard nut' tests involved trying to karate chop stupidly thick branches, and Stealing Mrs. Rich's Hairspray.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nick
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I was caught writing on a desk. I was trying to write "SEX ORGY", but sensing trouble I scratched out "SEX" and left "ORG" unfinished. At the end of the class the teacher approached my desk and read "ORG" and then asked if I was trying to write "ORC", assuming I was a Dungeons and Dragons type. Loathe to get caught out for writing a dirty word, I confessed to be being a D&D fan. I then had to sandpaper all the desks in the class. One of the lowest moments in my life.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matt King
Nobody seems to believe me when I tell them that Gary Jones, A-level physics lecturer extraordinaire, once jumped onto the front bench and shouted "Physics! It's orgasmic!" at the top of his voice. While it's true that the proof he'd demonstrated was quite neat, it wasn't quite enough to make me spaff my knickers.

This wasn't even particularly strange behaviour for the honourable Mr Jones. On another occasion he arrived half an hour late and proceded to tell us how Uri Geller had broken his car radio.

I miss that man.
approved Apr 14 2005, submitted Feb 23 2004 by Jasmine Strong
We had a Mr. Emerson, who taught maths and physics.

The look on his face while he was using a calculator was something which his entire class shall carry to our graves. Yknow how the stereotypcial paedo leers at young children? He did that to calculators.
approved Feb 4 2008, submitted Jan 4 2007 by anonymous user
A game to be played to enliven fucking boring school trips to Sellafield. When speaking to the Sellafield staff who show you around, subtly insert the word 'orifice' into as many questions as possible.
'So, where are all the orifice workers here?'
You will quickly discover that it is actually quite difficult to shoehorn many orifices into casual conversation. When you discover this, you can take the 'Dan Wakefield Option' of simply handing back your visitors badge at the end of the trip with the words 'Thanks, orifice'.
approved Apr 24 2005, submitted Oct 25 2004 by Matt Fasham
In my year 10 geography class, we were one day studying fossil fuels and how they were made. My teacher, Mr Parmley, then asked "How what is coal made from".No one put their hand up, except this one smarmy git called Adam. His answer, "dead foetuses", was considered a Geiger-esque vision of post-nuclear power stations.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Charlie
A word that our entire class learned for the first time when we were bollocked for "ostracising" Andrew Bard. This allegation was levelled at us when Mrs Allcock walked into the form room for the third day running to hear the hit song "Ooo-aah Andrew Beard, I say oo-ah Andrew Beard " be belted out en masse. Bard's main crimes were (a) having a name that sounded like "beard" and (b) not wearing a Campri ski jacket. In retrospect the charge of ostracism was a little unfair - Andrew was in no way excluded from the opportunity to join in the sing song.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Paul Heath
1. Brand of orange. The advert's slogan was "small ones are more juicy - naturally" accompanied by jug-heavy Mungo Jerry hit "In The Summertime". Therefore,

2. Thing to say to someone with small but perfectly acceptable breasts.

3. Also can be said post-sex to a man whose small penis has just saturated your duvet, surprising you both. "Why, Mr Patterson! Small ones are more juicy!"

"Naturally," replies Mr Patterson,laughing.
approved Mar 27 2004, submitted Mar 27 2004 by Susan Tobacco, Jon Blyth
My 15 year old cousin was rather well built for his age and generally excelled at sports. One of the PE teachers decided that he needed to reassert his authority over this prodigy with a display of masculine power and potency, and so organised a 400m race between the two of them.

They sprinted off round the track, resulting in the PE teacher soundly beating the 15 year old upstart. Nobody was particularly impressed by this, but whatever tiny amount of kudos he may have gained was more than lost when, after crossing the finish line, he collapsed onto all fours and vomited over his hands.
approved Oct 25 2005, submitted Oct 19 2005 by Spaghetti Hoops
Yes, and the ability to flatten puny 12-year-old kids into the mud with rugby tackles is not really a valid demonstration of your sporting prowess, Mr Rich. You fucking evil hairy gorilla.
approved Jan 11 2006, submitted Oct 27 2005 by Matt Fasham
I dearly regret bunking off one particular day in my 4th year. That was the day that one of the former pupils came back to school, as he'd promised, and kicked the living shit out of Mr. Burns, the short-arsed, swarthy, bullying games teacher.
Those who were there assure me that: it was "a beautiful moment", "poetry", "he had it coming", and my favourite: "he whimpered".
Not even touching Jeanie's quim for the first time was adequate compensation (Jeanie was our dog).
approved Jul 7 2008, submitted Jan 12 2006 by uncle monty
Its always good to see smoke and fumes coming out of things. In the case of the overhead projector, this is achieved by pushing thin blue plastic straws into the cooling fan.
approved May 15 2003, submitted Dec 22 2002 by Bada Bing
Mr Bright taught commerce. He taught it with such a passion that spit would fly out of his mouth.
This was bad enough, but when he was using an overhead projector, the very considerable amount of spit that landed on the sheets was magnified, heated, and projected onto the wall.
It was the saliva equivalent of shitting onto a glass-topped coffee table, but with thirty children sitting underneath.
approved Apr 15 2006, submitted Oct 12 2004 by anonymous user
Two interesting things about overhead projectors:

1) They get pretty hot.
2) Inside one is the last place your teacher will think of looking when trying to trace the smell of hot, week-old rotting kipper.

In retrospect, this is best used in someone else's form room.
approved Apr 14 2006, submitted Apr 11 2006 by anonymous user
This is what our African geography teacher seemed to be saying when he was trying to tell us about ox-bow lakes.
He may have mistaken our keenness for actual interest in the subject. However, all we really wanted to hear was a teacher saying 'ox bollocks' over and over again.
approved Apr 22 2005, submitted Jan 31 2005 by anonymous user
We had a Japanese assistant in Geography who taught us about "arse cakes". Plate tectonics have never been so pantwettingly hilarious.
approved May 5 2005, submitted May 5 2005 by anonymous user
Imagine how our Italian lecturer would say the molecular biology term 'Beta sheet'.
approved Jul 19 2005, submitted Jul 14 2005 by Andy Goat
Our attractive French assistante, Sandrine was frequently asked to talk in English about how much she loved 'the beach'.
But she got off lightly compared to Miguel, the Spanish assistant, who, incredibly, was twice duped into asking us about our imaginary friend, 'Juan Kerr'.
approved Aug 3 2005, submitted Aug 1 2005 by David Ring
An interminable staple of Geography education in UK schools. Many, many hours are devoted to the study of these fascinating geological features.
Since leaving school, no-one has ever, under any circumstances, needed to know what the fuck an oxbow lake is, or how it is formed.
approved Jul 4 2006, submitted Jun 28 2006 by Name Withheld, anonymous user
Any filthy, discarded or 'used' coat or shirt, preferably found in the street. The Oxby Coat would be picked up and thrown at the victim, who had to wear it if it so much as touched them. Everyone else would then shout "Oxby!" until... well, until we stopped, I suppose.
approved Mar 29 2003, submitted Mar 24 2003 by Simon Brighty