The Law of the Playground
the letter p
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Morvern went to Mr Taylor to tell him that she couldn't do swimming that day as her period had started. While in the middle of this interview, Jenny also appeared to beg off swimming for the same reason. He spent a few minutes doing a baffled double-take at the both of them, before spluttering "But you can't both have it on the same day!"
Mr "Sumo" Taylor is married, and has produced children.
approved Apr 22 2005, submitted Oct 17 2003 by Little Nicola
If you poo yourself during PE, simply run to the toilet and clean yourself. Don't, as Martin Watts did, spend long, visible, seconds trying to somehow push the poo back into your anus, looking agonised, before explaining - out loud - that you have done a poo, and have been trying to push the poo somehow back into your anus.
The inclination not to attack an easy target, remember, does not occur in children.
approved Oct 7 2005, submitted Aug 26 2005 by Name Withheld, anonymous user
Having managed to buy a copy of Viz from a newsagent who didn't realise it was rude, I took it to school to impress people.
It was promptly confiscated by a P.E. teacher who, at the end of the day, gave it back with a grin and an angerless "you little scamp" tousle of my hair.
Within a second of him turning around, the other P.E. teacher confiscated it and kept it for an entire week.
How come one P.E. teacher managed to struggle through it in the course of only a single day, whilst the other took a week to mouth-breath his way through it?

Top 5 Reasons it might take a PE teacher a week to read Viz:
  1. His fists are so clenched with perpetual rage that he has to turn the pages clumsily with his knuckles.
  2. Every time he gets a joke, he has to take it to his girlfriend and say "that naughty cos the man dun poo wen he sed he wuddunt".
  3. He spent three days staring at the Vibrating Bum-Faced Goats before deciding it didn't make him want to wank.
  4. In a moment of hungry confusion, he ate the Viz, and it took him a week to buy another because "doing things is like riddles".
  5. He stupid.
approved Oct 5 2004, submitted Mar 15 2004 by Jimbo B.
Mr W. summoned the school football team one lunchtime for the first training session. Attendance was poor, and getting annoyed at this, he launched into a diatribe, haranguing those of us who actually showed up.
Mr. W: "Listen, if you're not going to put the effort in, it's not worth even having a team."
Me: "Uh, Mr. W, we are here, it's the others who need to know this."
Mr. W (un-derailed by mere relevance): "I've put so much effort in, and for you not to show up is a sign of disrespect."
Me: "No, but we did show up."
Mr. W continued in this vein for some time. No wonder he was only a P.E. teacher.
approved Mar 29 2006, submitted Sep 5 2005 by Little Bastard
Run to the wall and back: I can't be arsed. Run to the wall and back.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Basketball : Any self regulating sport doesn't really need a teacher watching it - sit in the staff room and let the little bastards sort it out themselves. Maintain a professionalism by occasionally nipping in, blowing a whistle, and shouting a random surname.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The twelve minute run : A peculiar form of pointlessness, inflicted by PE teachers. At least once a year, we were made to run round and round the PE hall for twelve minutes. How many times each person got round was recorded, for no very apparent reason. having been worst in my class several times in a row, the PE teacher asked me concernedly if I smoked. I didn't, I was just very bad at running.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dorian E.
Open gym, leave the equipment room unlocked, get the teacher's assistant to do attendance then leave the class to its own devices, getting paid for sitting in the P.E. office with the door locked looking at porn for an hour and a half.
The teacher got more exercise than we did.
approved Mar 1 2003, submitted Jan 26 2003 by anonymous user
The Fun Run.
The Fun Run involved running around the perimeter of the school grounds. It was nearly identical to the much more joyless cross-country running. However, as our teacher was canny enough to call it the Fun Run, we enjoyed ourselves immensely.
approved Jan 21 2004, submitted Nov 6 2003 by min gus
If you can't be arsed to even stand and blow a whistle every now and then, why not assign the two most annoying and unpopular kids to referee a basketball match? It'll give them a little taste of power, bless, and will result in them getting pulped in the changing rooms by the losing team.
One team wins, one team gets to hit someone, and one bullied boy gets the whiff of authority that will drive him in adult life to start a corporation that menaces old ladies out of their homes so he can build a car park. Until that old woman works out how to reach the A-Team, at which point he'll cop a cabbage in the chops.
Everyone's a winner!
approved Sep 28 2004, submitted Jan 15 2004 by Ruth Google, Jon Blyth
Catch 22 : Are you a PLP? Say yes, and you're a public leaning post. Say no, and you're denying that you're a perfectly lovely person. Why you would want to do that is beyond me.
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Dec 10 2002 by Chief Chirpa
The public leaning post interpretation only really works at full effect on shorter people.
For taller victims, use the slightly more rubbish proper living person. Or just don't bother.
approved Dec 22 2003, submitted Aug 14 2003 by Alex Blandford
Also; piece of lavatory paper.
approved Dec 22 2003, submitted Dec 12 2003 by anonymous user
This baffles me. You could choose any three word insult, and say - are you a HRL? Then say - ha ha, you're a hairy rectum licker! Or, what, you're not a highly regarded lover?, depending on their answer.
There aren't three letters you couldn't do it to. XQZ - Xenophobic Queer Zoophile or Xtrasexy Quad-Speed Zazzmerchant?
So why was there so much focus on PLP? Is there a proper meaning for it? And while I'm at it, that second entry makes no sense, because you're changing the answer to a NO response, when it's only when they answer YES that the person's height becomes material.
This whole entry is shrouded in befuddlement from start to finish. Except for piece of lavatory paper, which is bummy.
(Update from Richard Edwards - I'm almost positive it's because there was a series of text books called PLP. It stood for the Primary Learning Package, or something. I don't know, I just know there was a drawing of a frog on the cover. Thanks, Richard.)
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Dec 22 2003 by Jon Blyth, Richard Edwards
Retort for a bully who is told to "pack it in" during his abuse. More phonetically correct would have been "Pakis don't come in tins", but no-one seemed to think of that.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Lee D
The extended version is 'pakis don't come in tins, they come in busloads from bristol.'
approved May 13 2003, submitted Mar 1 2003 by blee anne
Also consider the use of racial panic; 'pakis don't come in tens sir, they come in thousands'.
approved Jan 19 2004, submitted Dec 10 2003 by pepe le pew
Another version of the retort to 'pack it in' followed the usual line of 'Pakis don't come in tins', and went on to add 'they come in banana boats'. Any adults listening would have been so charmed by the innocent innacuracy of the comment, that the naive bigotry just seemed sweet.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
Any chase is demeaned to futile absurdity if observers shout "wacca wacca wacca", a la Pacman. It certainly worked when our Physics teacher was chasing Filthy Scott (so called because he would put his finger up his arse and wipe it on your blazer) around the lab. In the end he gave up and just threw wooden sink covers at him.
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Mark Patterson
Paedophile teachers, when they do happen, can be quite charming. Most of the kids thought Mr Holdrick was pretty cool, and a good teacher.

It was only when the newspaper reported that he had been caught with a computer full of child porn that we realised that we didn't like him at all.

It didn't take us much longer to remember that we never learned anything in his classes because he was constantly running at our bums with his hands out.

In fairness to ourselves, it's quite a weak justification of the k-fiddlez to say but he could put across difficult throries well.
approved Nov 2 2011, submitted Oct 5 2005 by Alex Ryan
During the last storytime of the day, demonic headmistress Mrs. Windsor would pick her favourite children to stroke her legs through her nylons. This was an honour keenly fought over among the children, all under the age of six and unable to discern just how horrifically, grotesquely wrong this was.
approved Jan 25 2003, submitted Jan 20 2003 by Peter Marshall
Not everyone who works with, or takes an interest in children is a paedophile.
The man from the Werther's Original advert is not a paedophile. Older male children's TV presenters were not paedophiles. PE Teachers who made you take showers were not necessarily paedophiles.
Labelling such people as paedophiles is not only lazy, obvious and weak, it also denigrates the comic potential of the real paedophiles, like Gary Glitter, and your dad.
approved Mar 27 2004, submitted Mar 27 2004 by Jon Blyth, Susan Tobacco
The school caretaker, however, is always a paedophile. Remember that. Remember it and remember how a shy smile can get you a free Mars bar.
approved Feb 14 2006, submitted Feb 4 2006 by Kit Kat
The forever-to-be-remembered page number in our Biology textbook featuring a photograph of a standing naked child with the world's most extraordinary bow legs. When viewed in the dark recesses of the school library, it never ceased to make a 12-year-old lurch, retch and eventually laugh milk out of their nose.

Seriously, you could fit a beach ball through there.
approved Mar 10 2003, submitted Mar 10 2003 by Chris Green
Anyone remember "In The Night Kitchen" by Maurice Sendak? It uses drawings of a naked boy, and in one picture he's standing on a giant milk bottle shouting "Cock A Doodle Doo!" with his own doodle doo sticking out. Always made us hysterical.
approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Aug 21 2003 by Heidi Crabtree
In my school you were forced to study the Holocaust in history. Each year, every student was issued a book called "The Jewish Journey," or something equally catchy. The books were ancient, and all had some degree of graffiti inside. It wasn't until my year though, that a fully co-ordinated graffiti strike was arranged, and each picture in every book was given the same caption or speechbubble.
e.g A dead malnourished Jew says, obviously, "Give me a sandwich." A trainload of unfortunates on their way to a death camp sing, "We're all going on a summer holiday."
It wasn't until Mark emptied out his pencil case, put it on top of Johnny's head and called him a "Dirty skullcap wearing kyke," that it was brought up in assembly. And Mark was suspended. Ah... days. Those were them.
approved Nov 24 2003, submitted Oct 27 2003 by waffle .
Not what you want to hear about your English teacher, when she's got a face like a fire-damaged lego brick and a body like The Raggydoll's Sadsack. You'll spend the rest of your English lessons trying desperately not to imagine her naked.
And constantly, constantly, failing.
approved Jul 13 2004, submitted Sep 11 2003 by petrocelli .
A gang of five or six kids would surround you, and proceed to scientifically beat the crap out of you, scientifically concentrating on places that were liable to cause the most pain. Just when you approached the threshold of tolerable pain, your shoes were scientifically torn off and thrown away, and five or six vicious teenage bastards would scientifically pummel the soles of your feet, to scientifically test the theory that this cancelled out pain anywhere else in your body. It fucking didn't. Ever.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Marc Sedgwick
The kitchen area of our school had a green lino floor, except for one bit where a 1' x 2' piece had been repaired with brown lino.
This was the Paki Patch. If you successfully negotiated the Eggy Bumps, you then had the Paki Patch to get past. If you stood on it, you would automatically be deemed to be in love with Shetal, who had the uneviable status of being the only child of ethnic origin in a school full of cunts. I can't remember whether she welcomed the daily stream of unwilling suitors, but looking back I strongly suspect that she didn't.
The Eggy Bumps? Did treading on these imply a romantic attraction to chicken foetuses? I think we should be told - Matt
approved Apr 13 2005, submitted Apr 3 2004 by Pete B
Generic name given to those crap, plastic unbranded trainers that were sported by remedials, dirty schemers, and one-parent children in the 1980s. They got their name from the price - about 20p - and the fact that they only seemed to be sold by Pakistani gentlemen in their emporia of miscellany. Also known as Borstal Break-outs.
approved Apr 12 2012, submitted Apr 10 2012 by Skid Marx
Personal Arse Licker. Never say that you are someone's pal; "best pal" is a bit better, because it implies that there is some competition for the job, and at least that means you're a good arse licker.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jim Gibson
Personal arse licker. As in, are you my pal?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Martin Dempster
Inform your target that new medical research has found a genetic link between the size of your hands, and the probability that you will develop cancer in later life. The details of the research are obviously very complicated, but it boils down to a simple rule of thumb; if your hand is bigger than your face, then you're very likely to develop cancer. The immediate instinct is for your victim to immediately check by placing their hand over their face, allowing you to slap their palm hard into their face. This is actually very painful, and runs the risk of hitting the secret Kung-Fu instant death spot, which shoots the nose backwards into the brain.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Offer to read someone's future from their palm. It all starts seductively promising, with things on the palm resembling aspirational object that the person will one day own.

"You're going to own a mansion shaped like a finger."

After two or three predictions, hawk up a huge greenie into their palm and inform that that it is their swimming pool. Luxurious.

Actually, this trick was seen on The Simpson, episode 9F06, New Kid on the Block, along with Wet Willies. Is it funny if it's been on The Simpsons? Probably not.
approved Jun 12 2004, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Name Withheld
Also available as the punchline to the question "do you want your palm read?" is the 'classic' daubing of the outstreched hand with a red felt marker.
approved Mar 8 2003, submitted Feb 21 2003 by Name Withheld
A good comeback to someone playing this trick is to approach them and ask 'can you read palms?'. Thinking that you have walked right into their hands, they will reply 'yes'. You then reply 'read this then', at which point you extend your palm to reveal the words 'YOU ARE A COCK'.
approved Mar 1 2003, submitted Feb 28 2003 by anonymous user
A place where your mother lives. If anyone asks you where Panksy Lane is, you must say "where your mum lives". If you do not, then it is where your mum lives.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Sophie Lamb