The Law of the Playground
the letter p
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During my school days, I learned that the best way to stop pickpockets is to put a dog shit in a sandwich bag, and put it your coat pocket. You can guarantee they'll never do it again.

Aye, right. So you walked around with a dog shit in your coat pocket all day, just in case someone tried to steal your handkerchief? You've emerged as the clear winner here. You daft sod. - Matt
approved Nov 12 2006, submitted Oct 9 2006 by Peter Lynch
pig
If anybody called you a pig, you could declare that it stood for "Pretty, Intelligent Girl", and was thus a compliment.
approved Jan 24 2003, submitted Jan 17 2003 by anonymous user
If you're wise to the "pretty, intelligent girl" conversion for PIG, then call the girl a PIP, which is the nice compromise of "pretty intelligent pig".
approved Sep 28 2004, submitted Jan 18 2004 by Craig Hudson
After the film "Lost Boys" came out, Jason O'Malley went to a careers interview and asked for information about Vampires, and he was rather badly Bollocked by the teacher. Undeterred he decided to get on the vampire Career ladder and started bringing pigs blood (procured from the bemused butcher) in to school and offering it to people under the guise of 'Home made Blackcurrant Juice'. After getting over our initial shock for a few weeks we were able to play games of 'Pigs Blood' at lunchtime which involved nicking the plastic Panda Pops bottle of pig's blood and playing football with it until it burst. The games ended when Jason decided he wanted to be a fighter pilot for the US Navy and ride a motorbike instead.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Simon Evans
A fantastic story from the US... more like this, please, yanks...
Mrs. Bergstrum the biology teacher clearly checked the wrong box when ordering dissectable fetal pigs from hog-bit providers Edmund Scientific.
What showed up instead was a reinforced drum of full-sized adult pig heads swimming in their own facial sweat. Making the best of her mistake, an attempt was made to dissect these in class, but this failed miserably as no one could get through the skull.
Sensing potential, someone slipped accidentally on purpose, a pig head ended up on the floor, a head was thrown, a girl screamed, and things went from bad to worse.
Soon enough, the unused heads began to disappear from their storage cabinet and show up in girls' lockers, the ball bin at the gym, staring up sadly out of the toilet bowl, etc.
For a few days, these heads were everywhere.
Interest waned when the fruit flies arrived.
approved Sep 30 2004, submitted Dec 28 2003 by Redcoffin Turnbuckle
Our Biology class ended up doing the fetal pig dissection at around the same time as our English class was reading Lord of the Flies. By the afternoon, there was a line of little heads on the ends of pencils in the garden outside the school. It was beautiful.
approved Oct 18 2004, submitted Oct 17 2004 by Hannah Peterson
Our GCSE Science teacher brought a set of pig's lungs to class, around which we all gathered to watch as she demonstrated their function and dissected them for us. As part of the demonstration, she stuck a tube into the windpipe, and asked Chris Belton to blow into the tube so we could see the lungs inflate. Chris obliged - only for someone to bring their fist down on top of the inflated lungs, shooting air and mucus from the lungs back up the tube and into Belton's mouth.
approved Feb 23 2003, submitted Feb 19 2003 by Jack Hyden
A name for the admitted rare phenomenon of a child with one webbed foot. The success of the insult really lies in the protracted nature of the linked insults, e.g. 'Pass me that pencil, oh you can't, pigeons don't have hands'.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by John Parsons
There was a girl with webbed hands AND feet at our school. Even more strange was the fact that instead of a thumb she had another finger! All the boys called her a freak and a mutant, but their disgust didn't seem to put them off and in the final year of school she got pregnant after sleeping around.
Freaky mutant slut.
approved Oct 23 2005, submitted Oct 14 2005 by Name Withheld
Like sardines, yet more violent. Still catering to the newly evolved homoeroticism of school kids. Basically, someone falls over on the hard gravel floor of the playground, and everyone else jumps on them. Pile-ons were regularly arranged for various break times as well, but few people were daring enough to be the first. Often led to serious injuries.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Stephen Bray
We did this on grass, but I couldn't agree more about the homo-eroticism. I used to throw myself quite heartily into these melees, usually just after Chris Hackett.
approved Dec 11 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The pile-on takes on an even more homoerotic S&M wet play feel when Stuart Tough pisses his pants on top of everybody.

You can then, however, convince him that if he does laps of the school field for the remainder of lunch break, it will dry off so he won't be sent home.
approved Mar 29 2006, submitted Mar 2 2006 by captain morgan
All good friendships must face tests. My friendship with Pilky - a truly lovely chap - faced such a trial when I got him to place his foot over a rusty nail sticking out of a fence. Then, I stamped on his foot.
It is a testimony to the magnitude of my emotional givingness that we remained on good terms. That and the fact he promised not to grass me up.

approved Sep 30 2004, submitted Dec 23 2003 by Name Withheld
There was a kid at primary school who claimed that he dreamt that he was eating a giant marshmallow and when he woke up, he had eaten his pillow.

I didn't know that this was a widely-known joke until recently when I was perusing a children's joke book.
approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Sep 15 2003 by anonymous user
Of course, when we said pillow-biter it meant something a lil' different.
approved Oct 22 2003, submitted Oct 20 2003 by griff .
The application of a ?nipple-gripple? and dead arm on the first day of the month to the chant of "Pinch-Punch, First of the Month!".
There was also the quasi-sophisticated retort "A punch and a kick for being so quick." This implied that the pinch-puncher didn?t even know the appropriate time for such tomfoolery, and had gone blustering in like an overexcited toddler.
approved Sep 29 2003, submitted Jan 26 2003 by Jonny Boy
Also consider 'A poke in the eye for being so sly'. Best to use your thumb for accuracy.
approved Sep 29 2003, submitted Aug 20 2003 by Rachel Grey
The painless insertion of a pin under a layer of dead skin on the fingertip. Experts can manage ten pinfingers without accidentally popping one out. This leaves the pinfinger able to do little other than wave their hands at people and say "look look " to people they hope will be impressed. (Log)
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Using needles instead of pins, many interesting things can be done with string, such as tying attractive bows, hanging weights, etc. For that little extra something, thread all the needles with the same cotton, then pull them out in front of a girl.
approved Feb 4 2003, submitted Jan 19 2003 by Name Withheld
pinfinger puppet shows
Puppets are made by making stick people out of safety pins, and attaching their arms to the index and thumb of your right hand, and the legs to the index and thumb of the left. More effective when a few people get into the act. Also works with paper clips.
(How? How does this work? Any photographs of this haunting pinfinger puppet show will be placed immediately on the front page. If Phil says it can. - Log
approved May 1 2003, submitted Apr 1 2003 by David Marker
I don't know what kind of crazy smack you guys are on but pinfinger is :
  1. Getting a candle from art class.
  2. Melting the wax onto the tips of your fingers.
  3. Before the wax hardens, insert a drawing pin.
  4. Scratch the face of the fucking dick who grassed you up for spitting off the top of the English block.

Make sure they know it's a pinfinger, otherwise you might be confused with a girlie-fighting fingernailed ladyboy.
An addition to this basic pinfinger is to write AIDS over a bottle of Quink, and dip the pin into it before attacking. Make sure your victim sees this.
approved Jul 13 2004, submitted Jan 23 2004 by anonymous user
For advanced pinfingerers there is pin-needling, which goes as follows;
Push needle with thread through the top of every finger.
Dip newly webbed hand in fairy liquid solution.
Wave your hand around to create multiple bubbles!
approved Nov 18 2005, submitted Nov 16 2005 by anonymous user
In my third year of secondary school, we all went on "camp", and I went to the water sports one in Wales. Me and some other boys played a few games of the role playing game "Call of Cthulhu". While I was running one of these games, I made the mistake of saying that one of the beasts was "pink and blasphemous", within ear-shot of a school bully. I was hounded by cries of "pink and blasphemous" until the day I left that school, 5 years later.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Ward
Our teachers’ admin and staffroom corridor was, for some reason, painted a bright pink. Pupils would occasionally be dragged up for various disciplinary matters.

Fortunately, we were sophisticated and mature enough to appreciate and capitalise on the significant double-entendre opportunities. "Sir had to take her up the pink corridor for a punishment." Teachers could be asked if they were "going up the pink corridor for lunch".
approved Apr 12 2012, submitted Apr 10 2012 by Skid Marx
If you tell anyone that you like Pink Floyd in year eight, you will be singled out as a bender.
approved Nov 4 2003, submitted Oct 28 2003 by anonymous user
An unfeasibly tall, largely silent, unassuming Asian girl who wore unnecessarily garish stripey leg-warmers. To our (suprisingly tolerant) six year old minds she seemed perfectly normal, little did we know the she was gaining reknown elsewhere.

This hidden notoriety only revealed itself more than 10 years later, at a party for a departing teacher, when parents and faculty members alike chose her as the subject for their fancy-dress costumes.
approved Dec 24 2003, submitted Dec 21 2003 by Name Withheld
A game involving a number of people chasing each other around a car. All contestants are required to drink a can purchased from the local store. Then, chase each other around the car, attempting to trip the person in front of you. Continue until someone falls over. The unlucky individual would then be subjected to a hot, then almost immediately cold, drenching of piss. In cold weather, the urgency is increased, and so therefore is the risk of dirty tackles and wetting yourself.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jonesy
A joystick-waggler game for the Atari ST, created by the Hot Spunk Crew.
Each level began with a sample from Jack Nicholson as The Joker, saying Gentlemen lets broaden our minds, after which you would immediately thrash your joystick from left to right. This action would animate one of a series of very short films, which included a bean-flicking incident and some hot three-way pixels.
Although obviously a humourous game, it was quite frustrating for people actually wanting to pleasure themselves, what with having your hands otherwise occupied. You could convince a friend to waggle the joystick for you; but if youre that close you might as well just toss each other off anyway.
Additional features include colour cycling for those who want to watch green fingers slide into a deathly grey vagina.
approved May 7 2003, submitted Apr 7 2003 by Jon Blyth
The seemingly unlimited supply of empty camera film containers which we found in Mrs Bailey's classroom. These were urinated into, then left in a hidden spot for several days, so that they may mature. After this, the contents were emptied in a place where they would have most effect. A bald teacher walking underneath a window got a soggy head. In retrospect this was quite unacceptable behaviour.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by TizOr
This survives in a different form amongst adults. When you're in a skaggy student nightclub, you can deter the "I'm so poor I steal beer and there's no such thing as theft actually, if anything you stole that beer from society in the first place and I'm just reclaiming it" wankers by leaving untended pint pots of your piss around the place, and waiting, hoping, praying, that some cunt will steal it. I'm sorry - I just turned into Punt and Dennis.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
If you smell very bad then it can be suggested that you shower by standing under a colander that your father is pissing into.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Steve Gibbs
Toilet game perfected by Nick Edy, who would hurl a piss-drenched swaddling of tissue into an occupied cubicle, soaking anyone foolish enough to be ejecting brown at school.
approved Sep 9 2003, submitted Sep 8 2003 by Nath Dogg