The Law of the Playground
the letter r
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A particularly apt set of initials for a member of staff who was a particularly large arsehole.

I concur - and the fact that he acted like your best mate once you were in the sixth form didn't make up for the fact that he'd acted like a cunt in all the previous five. But I digress -- Phil
approved Apr 21 2003, submitted Mar 31 2003 by Doc
Lee Sylvester was 2 years above me at school, and clearly the school hard man. He demonstrated this by decapitating a rabbit and nailing its head by its ears to the school basketball hoop.
He took me to one side and showed me the rabbit's foot, making it form a fist by pulling on the tendon hanging out of the back.
I'd never spoken to him before - the fact that he showed me alone made me feel very special. Does this mean I'm a gayer?
approved Mar 6 2006, submitted Mar 6 2006 by uncle monty
Alan brought his pet mouse into school in a plastic ice cream tub. Boys then skewered its regular supply of droppings onto sharp pencils and ran after more sensitive children, attempting to flick the wee beastie's shit onto them. A direct hit would lead to the victim solemnly being informed they now had rabies, and would, unfortunately, die foaming at the mouth when they got home. One particularly weak child got some in his eye - naturally meaning he now had super-rabies. He spent the rest of the day sobbing under a desk, waiting for the inevitable.
approved Dec 27 2006, submitted Dec 19 2006 by N J
A simple variant on the classic humming game, that requires no self-control. Start a slow crescendo of humming, imitative of high performance motor vehicles, is performed by each member of the class whilst all is quiet. The race is approaching.
Once the teacher becomes aware of engine noises, students are free to roar with gay abandon, mimicking whichever vehicle they damn well please.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Jul 7 2003 by hugo zaffrin
A totally non-PC game where somewhere's rubber is daubed with the union jack and the words BNP. For additional effect, the rubber can then be used as a stamp to accessorise exercise books.
approved Feb 22 2003, submitted Feb 18 2003 by anonymous user
A team effort requiring patience, a streaming cold and a strong stomach.

By coating a radiator with snot and phlegm and leaving it to bake hard, it is possible to 'grow', over the course of a few weeks, a material akin to snakeskin. Further prosthetic enhancements (especially ears and lips) can be made from the Hubba Bubba mountains on the undersides of the desks.

All you need to do then is find someone on whom to perform a unique makeover.
approved Feb 27 2003, submitted Feb 27 2003 by Donkey Kong
Only certain children are capable of achieving the rage. It is the state where you are empowered by two silver lines of snot running from your nose to your mouth. Once this bionic power feed is broken, the child will lose their powers and become sullen, sorry, and somewhat confused at the chaos that surrounds them.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Pantsboy
Unpopular children who would come to school with bags full of sweets in a pathetic attempt to ingratiate themselves with the more popular, infinitely richer, and therefore fundamentally better kids.
approved May 6 2003, submitted Jan 30 2003 by Kirsty Bennett
The Lord of the Raggers attended our school. His name was Colin, and his father owned a Spar-type convenience store.
Colin would steal entire boxes of Mars Bars from his father's store, and dole them out to popular kids, who would suffer his awfulness for as long is it took to grab a handful of chocolate and run away.
Quick sums :
Price of chocolate bar : 20p
Number of chocolate bars in box : 48
Time taken to distribute all bars : 2 minutes
Cost of Ragger-Popularity : 288 per hour
approved Oct 6 2004, submitted Dec 9 2003 by ross franklin
Over all the streets and houses
Rain-bones flying high.
Shoot the little Cheese-man's children,
Kill them till they die.
Over all the streets and houses,
Rain-bones turned to green.
3-4 Methelyn-dioxy-
Shall we go and Napalm Browntown,
With a chickens head?
Why has mr Tidmann got a small boy,
With him in his bed?
Mr Tidmann was an RE teacher, who had once said 'everyone goes through a homosexual phase. I know I have.'
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
Ever so slightly less sophisticated adaptation of the Rainbow theme song:
Up above the streets and houses
Geoffrey flying high.
Opens up his hairy legs
And shits in Bungle's eye.
Also see:
Up above the streets and houses
Geoffrey flying high.
Bungle gets his big cock out
And pokes him in the eye.
Note: This is NOT a cue for an endless torrent of Rainbow theme versions - unless you know a really good one about Rod, Jane and Freddy rainbow kissing. - Ponky
approved Apr 16 2005, submitted Jan 10 2005 by Sherm Shot La Rock
You'd have thought that poking Geoffrey in the eye with his cock would be sweet ursine revenge enough for Bungle, but no...
Bungle stuck his bum out the window
Shat in Geoffrey's eye
Geoffrey said "You bastard Bungle,
You are gonna die"
Paint...Geoffrey's...face...with...a...Big poo!".
Doof doof dodo dododoof!
Geoffrey can give it out, but he doesn't like it back! You get plus marks for the Eastenders style drums at the end, but did you not hear what Ponky said? I don't see ANY mention of Rod Jane & Freddy doing it Frenchie style here. - Mansh
approved Apr 27 2005, submitted Apr 27 2005 by anonymous user
Another of the mystical acts, such as felching, and squicking. Simply to clear the air, my understanding of a rainbow kiss is that the man gives the lady a mouthpiece when she is subscribing to the monthly rags. After a certain time, he rears up his head and kisses the lady, who doesn't appear to mind that she is being fed her own chewed up placenta. Why this is a rainbow kiss is somewhat confusing. Red, for the blood, obviously. Yellow, for the wee-wee. But green, purple, blue? I should be concerned.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
I have heard that the female participant should have a mouth chock-full of jizzum ready for when the male participant offers her his gift. It is said that the ensuing mix of bodily fluids affords a far more appealing 'rainbow' effect.
approved Apr 24 2003, submitted Dec 19 2002 by s field
That's not what it is at all. A rainbow kiss is an immediate post-blowjob frenchie, with the semen swirled between the mouths of the amorous young lovers. I know this to be true, because an older boy from another school told me on camp.
(Thanks to Dr Ringpiece for pointing out that this practice is actually called snowballing.)
approved May 2 2003, submitted Dec 21 2002 by Alexander Po, Dr Ringpiece
Both right, both wrong. It's a 69 while she's got the painters in. After geezer cums in lady's mouth (though to describe her as a lady is dubious) they mix up the semen and the menstrual blood in a joyous tribute to their dirty yet loving relationship. True lovers swallow it too. The mingers.
approved May 2 2003, submitted Apr 16 2003 by Carlos the Jackal
Small multi-couloured puffed sugar rice. On sale at the breaktime tuck shop for 5p a bag. Contained enough E-Numbers to fell a mechanical horse. Guaranteed to induce raging spasms, violent behaviour, and epileptic fits in anyone fortunate enough to try some. And that's before you even get started on the name.
approved May 2 2003, submitted Dec 19 2002 by s field
The most anti-climactic moment of a generation's primary school life. Everyone got the afternoon off to watch this momentous event on the TV in the assembly hall, and what emerged? A couple of planks of soggy wood. Everyone shuffled off home disappointed that the promised magnificent galleon and flagship of Henry VIII's war fleet had spectacularly failed to appear.
approved Jul 25 2003, submitted Jul 11 2003 by Conor Franklin
Recounted tale of a girl in a first school I didn't attend curling one off on a radiator. As you do, when there's no toilet near by.
approved Feb 23 2003, submitted Feb 11 2003 by Mark Henderson
Not a convincing reason why you shouldn't be sent to the headmaster's office for pointing a replica pistol at the caretaker. See also "don't push me, I'm muscley".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by TonyG
The first Indian kid at our school once mentioned that he went home for lunch. We naturally assumed that this meant he made the journey back to India during his lunch hour, every day.

The details of his journey (by the elephant, which he kept tied up in the bike shed) became increasingly elaborate and this was made all the more charming (or insulting, depending on whether or not you are Ramish) by the fact that we didn't know a single thing about India, or Indian culture.

Log says:
I love this, but I get the feeling I'd love it more if you told me about these misinformed fantasies. If you can remember any of the best, please share...
approved Feb 15 2013, submitted Feb 14 2013 by rob smith
They generally revolved around the indisputable fact that – like almost everyone in India – Ramish was some sort of king there. Unfortunately, his kingdom consisted mostly of ill-described mud huts, coconuts, bananas and little else. Also Tarzan was there sometimes.

Anyway, Ramish’s authority in his Indian kingdom was absolute and he regularly staged mass executions involving the coconuts. And he had exactly one hundred wives. Frankly, I’m not sure why he came back for double French in the afternoons. I probably wouldn’t have bothered.

The one thing we actually did know for certain about India is that all the elephants there have handprints painted on them. Therefore Ramish’s elephant was daubed with graffiti, mostly concerning his dad.

And rightly so, because his dad was a colonel in Ramish’s army and responsible for a genocide against whoever it was that Indians didn’t like. I think it might have been some other Indians.

Come to think about it, the genocide business is probably why Ramish’s dad moved to Darlington in the first place. It all finally makes sense.
approved Feb 16 2013, submitted Feb 16 2013 by rob smith
The unfortunately monikered Rammy was widely rumoured to take it "right up the batty hole" and so a song was composed to commemmorate this. The only lyrics were as follows:

Who takes it?
Rammy takes it,
Right up the batty hole.

This grew in popularity to such a level that impromptu renditions, often involving the entire class singing repeated verses in close harmony, became commonplace in most lessons.

The dance remix was inevitable, but still welcomed.
approved Jun 1 2005, submitted Jun 1 2005 by anonymous user
'B' block had three floors and two stairwells at either end ot the building. Although you couldn't get more than about three metres before hitting a right angle, you could - albeit briefly - slide down the bannisters.

One afternoon Richard Randall started his trademark descent from the top floor. Something clearly went awry, because instead of enjoying a few seconds of sliding bliss, he plummeted to the floor at bottom of the stairwell.

As a direct consequence of the event, slightly weedy looking 'safety bannisters' were welded onto all bannisters in the school, bringing their height to about 2 metres - far too high to slide down. These were immediately christened 'Randallbars'.
approved Apr 27 2005, submitted Oct 29 2004 by Nimrod Gently
Most things at our schol are random. It dusnt even have to be that odd it will just be random its sorta one of those unwritten rules!
approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Aug 16 2003 by harri kershaw
Perhaps based on the word rapier, I thought for some time that the term rape meant to attack someone with a knife. I rather foolishly enquired with a group of male friends whether or not we should go rape the girls.
(The image is only improved by the idea that Widdler was waving a knife around at the time - Log)
approved Mar 7 2003, submitted Mar 2 2003 by Pink Widdler
I had the same misinterpretation for several years. The source: my older sister's 70's "horror" book "Flowers in the Attic". On the mostly-black front cover there was the cheery tag-line: "Kidnapped, Raped, Murdered". Beneath this there was a picture of some bloody scissors which, I presumed at the time, were used for raping.
approved Nov 25 2003, submitted Nov 4 2003 by anonymous user
The first time I ever heard about it was when a woman was raped and murdered by some shops near where I used to live during my infants school days.

I actually thought it was 'raked', and for years lived under the mistaken impression that the poor lady was gardened to death.
She deserved it. She was a hoe-er. Pffffffff!!!! - Mansh
approved Apr 13 2005, submitted Dec 16 2003 by Harry Nice
The announcement that several thousand Mars bars had somehow been filled with rat poison would, in any normal town, have driven sales through the floor. Not here.
Kids were buying armfuls of the stodgy buggers,hoping to get one with that elusive blue biro cross that "proved" it had been injected with poison. Rumour had it that shopkeepers began to randomly mark Mars bars to sate the endless thirst for Work, Rest, and Death.
This led to a bizarre forms of playground bullying ever seen; a child would be forced by pogrom to consume a "tainted" Mars bar, after which he or she would be detained to allow the court to "observe the effects". Generally this would involve bad play-acting by the accused in a misguided attempt to make the court feel first guilty, then panicked, ideally summoning a teacher. Needless to say, this was wishful thinking, and the victim was "buried at sea" by hurling them bodily down a hill.
Nowadays we would be eating poisoned chocolate so we could sue for compensation. In 1986, we simply didn't have an excuse that good.
approved Jul 9 2004, submitted Jan 14 2004 by Ed Ryan