The Law of the Playground
the letter r
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The practice of rolling up a towel diagonally, so it tapers to a fine point. This can then be used to whip people coming out of the shower.
I could never perfect the whipping action, which made it all the more surprising when I caught Francis Gotto on the end of his cock with an absolute corker of a flick. However, something (I presume a label from my towel) went flying off just as the crack (and subsequent howl of agony) happened. For a few horrid seconds I was convinced that I had literally whipped the top of his dick off like popping some sort of phallic champagne cork. Images of expulsion and/or prison rampaged unchecked through my head.
I never rat's tailed anybody again.
approved Nov 14 2003, submitted Mar 24 2003 by Rik Burke
According to school rumour, womens' bits smelt of raw potato. This could never be disproved because the girls wouldn't let the boys check.
For the record, mine don't smell of potatoes, raw or otherwise, and these days, I'd be quite happy for you to pop round for a sniff. My address is: the remainder of this entry has been witheld.
approved Jan 5 2006, submitted Jan 1 2006 by anonymous user
After the title "God and Morality", simply write "...sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G". It worked for me.
approved Apr 21 2005, submitted Jan 12 2005 by Name Withheld
Answering the questions in RE using drawings is the most fun I have ever had while in an exam. From the question about racial discrimination (where I showed a grinning skinhead giving the finger to a weeping blackman with the words "Let's Kick Racism Out of Religious Education" scribble underneath), via the question on the pros and cons of Euthanasia (several pictures of gory, assisted suicides), to using the spare pages to write a two and a half page essay, complete with diagrams, on how I was, is, and always will be a better artist than Neil Buchanan.

My final mark - 11/100: All but one I gained on a half arsed unfinished piece of coursework.
approved Sep 21 2005, submitted Sep 15 2005 by Vincent Chong
When asked to read out loud, bear in mind that one of two scenarios will always prevail;
  1. A child not making mistakes would be jabbed in the ribs with a ruler. This would make his voice break, allowing everyone to call him a girl.
  2. A word would be seriously mispronounced (for example, the Christopher Frame Orange-Ootang incident). This word would become one's nickname for the foreseeable future.
A third, more dangerous path, was to add references to the last film you had seen into the book you were reading, largely by shouting "pyow, you're dead meat sucka" in the middle of Charlotte's Web.
approved Apr 19 2005, submitted Sep 11 2003 by petrocelli .
In the customary, desperate attempt to be cool, our English teacher insisted that we read from the cowboy novel, "Shane", in an American accent.
To help us attain the desired Western drawl, we were encouraged to eat Toffo sweets, like the toffee-chewin', kiddy-fiddlin' cowboy from the TV ads.
approved Sep 18 2005, submitted Sep 11 2005 by anonymous user
There was a boy at my junior school who, if you stamped your foot in his general direction and went "Yargh", even at some considerable distance, would curl up into a ball on the floor with a look of sheer terror on his face.
Only now can I assume that he was being abused at home every night, and in fact I was contributing to an existence more miserable than I can ever dream of.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a victim.
approved Oct 21 2004, submitted Oct 18 2004 by Andy Mansh
  • The most evil sounding of all the musical instruments, it is played almost exclusively in schools, and sometimes by bearded folk musicians.
  • Everyone must learn how to play 'London's Burning' on the recorder. The hardest bit is 'fire! fire!', which is best tackled by taking all of your fingers off the holes and then blowing as hard as you can.
  • Geeks sometimes get to play one of those funny big recorders.
  • No matter how talented the recorderist is, the first note on the chorus of 'Lord of the Dance' must be a shrill 'bum note' (see 'London's Burning').
  • Geeks also turn up to lessons with their own fancy wooden recorder from home, while the rest of the class has to make do with a plastic one with teeth marks on it.
  • Every parent dreads school concerts and the Harvest Festival, as there is every possibility that one of the first year classes will play an excruciatingly slow rendition of 'I am the Lord of the Fucking Dance' on recorders.
approved Jun 11 2005, submitted May 28 2005 by Ponky Ponk
Geeks sometimes get to play one of those funny big recorders.
In fact, those 'funny big recorders' were not for geeks - only the coolest people (me) got to play the Bass Recorder. Bass Recorders are to regular gay recorders as the Bass Guitar is to the mandolin. People openly envied me, and my gigantic plastic Aulos.

Similar to penises, the bigger the recorder, the more prestige. Strikingly similar to penises in another way, the tip of my recorder had an 'old spit' smell to them that no amount of rubbing on my jumper sleeve could remove. Teethmarks, too.
approved Jun 11 2005, submitted May 31 2005 by anonymous user
After playing several rounds of London's Burning, the recorder will fill up with lovely spittle. Remove the top and you have a flobby wand, from which you can flick your cool, refreshing spray at the bitch-girls in front or the nerdy gimp on the glockenspiel.
approved Nov 22 2005, submitted Nov 19 2005 by scary mary
Bass recorder players only ever had about 2 notes to play throughout the entire tune. But the tenor was best. Please don't print my name.
approved Jun 24 2007, submitted Dec 8 2005 by Aly G
Being a shower of cheap bastards, our school made us buy our own recorders. Anyone turning up without one was forced to play one of the special school recorders. These were nasty, communal, wooden recorders that had had all the lacquer abraded off them by year after year of applications of schoolkid spit. As a result, they were always unpleasantly damp. So, if you played one, you would, of course, catch AIDS from it, particularly if you had chapped lips.

If you refused to play it, our freakishly large music teacher would stand silently in front of your seat, his groin at the level of your face, with his mouth hanging open in a vaguely sexual way until you started playing.

Naturally, this would also give you AIDS, chapped lips or no. We didn't forget our recorders very often.
approved Mar 1 2006, submitted Jan 11 2006 by The Unfortunatly Nam Finbar
Rectal Prolapse is the musical variant of the aforementioned Anal Fist Fuck. Instead of shouting louder and louder, the first player sings "Rectal Prolapse" in as low a tone as he can and holds the last note. The next player picks this up a few tones higher. The process continues until the full musical range of the group has been covered. On some occasions, this is musically quite pleasant.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Lawrence Gould
An enterprising genius nicked a pot of the thick yellow indelible paint used to paint yellow lines on roads, and painted MR THOMAS IS A RED DOG'S KNOB in foot-high letters across the bridge in front of the school. From that day forward he was known as Red Dog. Or Le Chien Rouge if you did A level French. It's still there to this day.

(Its the detail of "A level" French that does it for me. Hee hum. Susan.)
approved May 20 2003, submitted Jan 18 2003 by RL M
Achieved by daubing a little tomato ketchup on the front of your grey trousers, and running your crotch into girls' faces. They might not get what's going on, so explain; say "I've got a red ender!"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Paddy
Based on the TV series with the fat kid who couldn't climb over the wall. Playground-wise, however, Being part of the 'red-hand' gang was to have a sensitive part of your anatomy slapped with vicious force, to produce the 'red-hand' club insignia. As the marks wore off rapidly, some lower members were forced to renew their subscription every 5 minutes or so.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jeff W
3-2-1 spoonerism that I cannot believe didn't occur to me when it may have been topical. Or funny.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Heh. I just thought of this one in the pub last night, so file under red todgers for "celebrity spoonerisms you think of 20 years too late, and have since been referenced lightly on the b3ta boards when you google them".
Remember that DJ? The presenter of zany children's gameshow Funhouse, and the hairier 50% of "Haven't Stopped Dancing Yet" legends Pat 'n' Mick?
I give you Shat Parp.
approved Apr 29 2005, submitted Dec 22 2003 by Jon Blyth
approved Apr 29 2005, submitted Apr 28 2005 by Jon Blyth
A hard slap delivered, usually in P.E., to the back of the neck with an open hand. The victim quickly and uncontrollably puts their head back and shoulders up in a Deaconesque spasm, which only adds to their pain.
approved Jan 24 2003, submitted Jan 16 2003 by Simian Smit
Apparently, if your balls hung low (and wobbled to and fro) you could swing them over your shoulder like one of these. I can't recall ever seeing any kind of soldier doing this - though I assume carelessly standing on a landmine could result in a similar effect.
approved Feb 17 2005, submitted Dec 6 2004 by Lianachan ?
It was always suggested that you could 'tie them in a knot' (presumably for 'day'wear) and 'tie them in a bow' (for more formal occasions).
approved Sep 24 2007, submitted Jul 25 2006 by Kev G
As cars pass, you have to make an insult beginning with the three letters of the registration plate. The finest moment came with "YCE", where Adam Whitehouse instantly said "Your Cunt Echoes". Which was fairly excellent, considering.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Laurence Ghafur
Short for remedial, and therefore a common insult. Even the teachers used this one.

Extra mileage could be garnered by grasping the handles of an invisible motorbike and starting it up, as though on a cold day. "Remmm. Remmememem. REMemememEMEMEMEM (twist throttle) REEEEMMMM! Reeeeeeemmm, reeeeeemmmm, rerrrrmmmmm." And so on. This was not insulting the mentally ill, it was merely making motorbike noises near them. Even God would find it hard to spot the hidden sneer.
approved Jul 9 2003, submitted Jul 7 2003 by RL M, Susan Tobacco
I'm glad this exists as I now know what my boss means when he uses the phrase 'Rembo'
approved Oct 22 2003, submitted Aug 15 2003 by Dan B
Hypothetical shop from which the really absurdly rotund female teachers get their dresses.
approved Apr 21 2003, submitted Apr 15 2003 by anonymous user
Being a member of Rescue Squadron involved swarming upon a small group of people in the playground and pushing them around a bit, then we'd all run off, spin around and shout 'Rescue Squadron'. This was us 'transforming'. When we'd totally transformed we'd run back to our original victims and pretend to rescue them from their attackers which usually involved jumping on them again but this time shouting 'Rescue Squadron!'. Eventually the year above formed 'Playground Patrol' to protect pupils from Rescue Squadron.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jared
Note similarity between rescue squadron and plot for Impossible Mission 2.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
And America's middle-east policy.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Rory Bremner has left the building.
approved Dec 23 2003, submitted Dec 5 2003 by anonymous user
An aptly named game. A mob of 6 - 20 kids would gather round a solitary victim and then placing 1 hand on their shoulder it would be announced that "ressistance is useless" whereupon they would be lead to a 15 foot deep ditch in an isolated area of the yard and hurled in. The game was interesting as it became a deep test of character for the victim. Some would try to run, some would claw the ground and scream for help that never came, but others would riase their heads high and walk slowly and with dignity to the waiting abyss. This dignity was often accompanied by a round of applause from the mob, whose appreciation of mettle stopped just short of not throwing the person in the pit.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by TonyG
Each person playing this game has to address a figure of authority with a different position of respect. Say, a bus conductor is checking your tickets;
Thanks chief.
Cheers, boss.
Nice one, governor.
Nice work, squire.
Ta, er... Lance Corporal...
Um... At ease, Archbishop.
As you were, Mayor?

approved Oct 11 2004, submitted Sep 26 2003 by Rob Young
Resusci-Annie was an unpleasant tasting plastic torso. When it rained during PE, we were made to practice resuscitation techniques upon her. Eventually, the congealed spittle of a thousand children made her go mouldy and she was deposited in a skip. And there it should have ended. We staged a rescue mission. Dressed in cast-off uniform from Lost Property, Annie looked uncommonly like a first former, and we took full advantage of this by placing her in bins with one corpse-like arm poking out of the top, hiding her in lockers and so forth. Her final appearance came when she was hanged by her little plastic neck from a tree by the First XII hockey pitch. A nervous Biology teacher fainted and Annie was subsequently incinerated. It was only by the narrowest of margins that we escaped the same fate.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Chunder
I once used a Resusci-Annie to fail a four fucking day first aid course I had to do. Apparently I had "broken all her ribs and probably used one to puncture her lung". I followed this up by "willfully allowing a casualty to drown in his own blood". My appeal, based on the grounds that anyone could easily hold their breath for a fucking minute or so, was cruelly denied.
approved Sep 27 2004, submitted Mar 15 2004 by Jimbo B.