The Law of the Playground
the letter r
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High School. Lunch.

Phil and Charlie, both retarded, are taking turns jumping on a wooden bench. Phil then flips out and jumps on the bench non-stop until the slats splinter.

Charlie shrieks and then turns to Phil: "Phillip, I told we should not play Fall Guy."

Phil turns to me and points menacingly: "Don't tell nobody I did that."

They both scamper away.
approved Feb 4 2008, submitted Apr 20 2006 by Name Withheld
Dr Poo's primary mode of travelling through space and time.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Jon Blyth
Surely that should be Turdis?
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by anonymous user
Damn. An autistic friend and I thought of this name for a device, too, but in our case "Retardis" was the name of a machine which harnessed the unpredictability of retards to travel through time.
approved Oct 6 2003, submitted Oct 3 2003 by anonymous user
A tense and exciting game where the kid with a well-known peanut allergy would be pinned against a wall and force-fed 'Revels' one by one (statistically, one in five of which would contain a peanut). A standard get-out for the victim involved him pretending to have consumed a peanut and falling to the floor in mock-spasms clutching his throat, thus rendering the game over. Ultimately, however, this 'cry wolf' strategy backfired when he actually did swallow a peanut and alarm was only raised when he hadn't got up ten minutes later.
approved Mar 7 2003, submitted Jan 23 2003 by Conor Franklin
The AK-47 in the arse-nal of the phantom shitter, the Reverse Dougan involves squatting on the bog the wrong way round, facing the cistern. Your brahn baby will curl nicely on the gentle slope at the front of the bowl, and will sit there earnestly waiting for the next person to use the facilities. Flushing, naturally, is verboten.
approved Sep 29 2005, submitted Sep 29 2005 by Ahhh Bisto
Referred to as the Reverse Kanga in Australia, it made an appearance in the highly-criticized fifth season of 'Big Brother'. It is so-called because the squatting position one needs to assume is much like that of a kangaroo, which is having a backwards-facing shit in a toilet.
approved Oct 3 2005, submitted Oct 1 2005 by anonymous user
Richard Stock reckoned he was the hardest kid in our school. He also reckoned he could do a shit, and that before it broke off, he could suck it back into his arse. Turned out he was wrong.

Squatting naked before a circle of encouraging adolescent boys, he parted his buttocks with both hands and duly delivered an inch of log from his dilated anus. So far so good, but before his piece de resistance could ensure his legendary status, an involuntary spasm prematurely snipped the turd.

An gasp swept through the crowd. It was like watching a high-wire walker sway from side to side. A high-wire walker whose arsecheeks were festooned with bob.

He was forced to waddle from the changing room to the toilet, to wipe his chuff. He returned clutching a ball of toilet paper, atop of which was a solid lump of shit. Sensing he had face to regain, he planted the stool to the forehead of James Turner, the computer-liking type who had been trying to get changed without getting involved.

Turner's reaction of disbelief at this squalid turn of events inpired instant remorse from Richard, who offered "I'm sorry James, that was too far. You know I'd stand up for you if I ever saw you in trouble."

Like, if someone had daubed your face with shit.
approved Oct 17 2011, submitted Jan 27 2007 by Mark Redding
Natalie Nicholson did a poo How many dollops did she do? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9" etc...
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
A boy who played football on his own, all play and lunchtimes, with an invisible ball. It was always Liverpool against Stoke, he was always scoring for Liverpool and then celebrating VERY loudly as they won the FA Cup, again.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Lee Nelson
Casual insults hurled at those children who were pigeon toed. Those whose feet were only mildly inward pointing were dubbed 'Ricky', short for 'rickets'(the condition caused by not eating enough yam flavoured sailors); the more severely afflicted were called 'Nobby', after the rhyming slang for haemorroids (Nobby Stiles: piles). Evidently, the child's imagined bumgrapes were so massive, that the only relief to be had was to walk around with his buttocks as far apart as possible, resulting in that unmistakable 'Elvis Costello' stagger.
approved Dec 3 2005, submitted Oct 18 2005 by Andy Mansh
The most basic form of retort to an insult, taking its name from the following exchange during cross country:
Me: God, you really are crap.
Ridley: No, you're crap.
Just less imaginative than "what you say is what you are".
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Bedslug
Also in this category are flat and unwavering denials of a blatant truth, such as the colour of your hair, or whether you have buttoned up your shirt one button off.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Otherwise known as Catch-22 579268b.
Approach a male friend, and make him agree, for the purpose of this conversation to use the phrase "Right On!" to signify "Yes", and to use its logical opposite, "Right Off", to mean "No".
Next, ask a series of fairly benign yes/no questions, for example:
1/ "Is your name [their name]?"
2/ "Have you ever got in trouble with the headteacher?"
3/ "Have you ever kissed a girl/[insert girls name]?"
Finally, ask "have you ever pulled a boy's willy off?"
approved Apr 15 2004, submitted Mar 13 2004 by Name Withheld
One of the boy's in the year above mine once tried to fend off the arse of a very flabby fourth year which was being pushed towards his face. Apparently his right index finger disappeared well below the knuckle. He was henceforth known as "ringer" or "ring-a-ding-ding".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Kevin Chubb
In my youth I had a knack for starting daft crazes. My two favourites were:
1. Object Breaking: This consisted of breaking pencils with your head; starting with one, and steadily increasing the number of pencils until you couldn't break any more. This craze ended abruptly when one young protege rendered himself unconcious attempting to break a thick piece of plywood stolen from wood tech.

2. Noseology: The study of how far an object can be inserted up one's nose. The most popular items were Lego bricks, which were removed on every occasion by the school nurse with a pair of tweezers. In attempting to put my school mates to shame I managed to trap a kidney bean in my sinus which my sister informed me would grow into my brain and slowly kill me. Luckily, I sneezed it out a few days later. PHEW!
approved Aug 23 2005, submitted Aug 22 2005 by Akram Salhab
The art of jumping into someone's back when they weren't looking. However, soon after the point of take off (approx 3-4 feet away from the target), the 'riser' was required to turn 180 degrees, sticking out his backside as he did, with the intention of planting it firmly between the shoulder blades of the recipient.

Correctly executed, the initial stages of the riser bear a remarkable similarilty to the approach of the High Jump, with its curved run up and hilariously elongated stride.

Noone got hurt until one day someone inadvertently bent down to pick something up, and Simon Gotch broke his wrist. We were all more careful after that. Well, a bit.
approved Apr 18 2005, submitted Dec 16 2004 by harris tonian
During English, Mr. Shaw was distracted from teaching us Shakespeare long enough to tell us about his fierce hatred of all rodent-kind, particularly squirrels. "Little plague-rats with fluffy tails," he proclaimed darkly. The next day, Kristin brought in a somewhat larger-than-life plastic facsimile of a squirrel, which was immediately christened Roadkill, and given pride of place at the front of the classroom. Shortly thereafter, Mr. Shaw instituted the practice of leaving small gifts (pencils, jewellery, money, sweets etc.) on Roadkill's 'altar', which was mandatory before every test 'if we wanted a good grade'. Songs and psalms were soon to follow. So whenever anyone tells me a depressing anecdote, I can usually top it with 'my English teacher forced me to worship a squirrel.'

How Mr Shaw got from hating squirrels to worshipping the infernal beasts as his masters will presumably never be known - Conor
approved Apr 16 2005, submitted Feb 15 2004 by Name Withheld
Looking back, I'll always feel sorry for poor Robert Ryan. Always a reclusive, loner bully-magnet, he thought he was experiencing the worst of it when, aged 13, Pokemon cards were discovered in his jacket. He wasn't.
See, he chose to do accountancy - only so did every waster in the year. He happened to sit at a row of tables beside three girls - each one called Laura. All through the class, he'd hear the chant "Robbie is a Laura" sung by those in the back rows. Eventually, this worked it's way around the whole year and everywhere he went he was greated to the same chant. Someone even made an "I Am A Laura" badge, presented to him on his birthday in assembly.
Poor fella.
approved Mar 9 2003, submitted Dec 16 2002 by Brendan Tinnelly
Replying to Robert's comment that our experiment was giving of a smell like apples, our Scottish chemistry teacher piped up, "Well, I wouldn't mind some of your apples, Robert!" This was greeted with a stunned silence.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely
Plastic boomerangs, in the shape of a T with a robot drawn on them, were popular at my school for a time, and were naively considered by the teachers to be harmless enough for indoor use. This craze went on for some weeks without incident, until one day when I watched Martin Bradshaw, in a manner not dissimilar to the ape who plays with the bones in 2001 A Space Odyssey, looking first at his boomerang and then at the back of Gareth Gurd's head. A hefty throw and the crack of impact followed, and then the madness affected us all. Before long, the floor was littered with the crying and injured.

The boomerangs were banned that day, and the craze was swiftly replaced by football stickers. Martin tried his best to hurt Gareth with these, but sadly failed.
approved Aug 1 2005, submitted May 19 2005 by Tony Green
A popular experiment in rocket ballistics

Apparatus
Lab stool (with hole seat for easy lifting)
Ruler
Pyrex beaker / test tube
Any two chemicals
Method
  • Inform classmate you are going to demonstrate 'rocket science'.
  • Seat classmate on lab stool at desk.
  • Place chemical in beaker.
  • Count down from 10 as you prepare to add second chemical.
  • On 'zero', accomplice jabs ruler upwards through hole in lab stool.
Result
We have lift off.
approved Apr 15 2005, submitted Apr 11 2004 by shaun andover
Derived from the true-life Rocky Mountain spotted fever. Basically a game of tag where you simply smacked someone and yelled, "You've got Rocky Mountain Fart Fever!" I invented it as a one-off joke, and was gratified when the fever spread throughout the class for an entire recess.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Poppy
With a head composed of my middle finger and legs forged from the other four (yes, that's counting the thumb, you pedants), Roger the Dinosaur was the absolute smash of Bronte School's Class 6S... until it was bettered when Mark Anderson offered to chew ink cartridges for 20p. A feat which I have still not been able to top, ten years on.
approved Dec 16 2002, submitted Dec 16 2002 by Ben Baker
My dinosaur friends were Righty and Lefty. Righty was the good one, always saving princesses and the like, whereas Lefty would invariably end up dead.

In addition, I have chewed ink cartridges for my own enjoyment, and dearly wish I had been paid 20p for it.
approved Jan 25 2003, submitted Jan 19 2003 by Name Withheld
My friend and I enjoyed nothing more than recreating in Attenborough-esque detail the savage zoological struggle for survival on the desk tops. My hands would form the "predators" in exactly the same way as Roger above. My friend would take on the role of the "pogolopes", a 3-legged creature made up of his first two fingers and a thumb. The predators would invariably maul the pogolopes until in a move of evolutionary brilliance the pogolopes learned to jump to great heights and escape the predators clutches. In response, the predators evolved to leap and float down with their legs spread like a parachute.
Nobody ever questioned any of this. We were 17.
approved Mar 19 2003, submitted Mar 18 2003 by anonymous user
My 'finger friend' was the Half-Blind Raccoon. He was created by painting your thumbnail black and adding half a black raccoon mask to your middle finger. Then you would place the black nail over the missing half of the mask and wiggle your fingers. It was obligatory to yell 'half-blind raccoon' whilst shoving it in a nearby classmates face.
Try as I might, I can't visualise how on God's Earth this works. If anyone wants to send in a photo, please be my guest. - Matt
approved Aug 6 2006, submitted Aug 4 2006 by anonymous user