The Law of the Playground
the letter r
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Gommel was an insult meaning spastic. Rommel was a German general. Gecochtes Ei is German for Boiled Egg. "Rommel the Gommel and his Gecochtes Ei" is just... funny.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
Dada-ist alteration of the phrase "Front Windows Do Not Open", as seen on the top deck of the school bus.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
This possibly belongs more in, or may even have been lifted directly from, Roger's Profanisaurus, but it's still a good phrase for pissflaps.
approved May 13 2003, submitted Feb 12 2003 by John Cheetham
A short-lived obsession at high school was the fear of Dalek invasion, and so we set out to identify the one Dalek-proof room in the school. Worryingly, the school was built on a slope, and so there was Dalek access through ground level doors on every floor.

However, we soon found a safe room, which was half way up the main flight of stairs, and therefore inaccessible to Daleks. Ironically enough, this was the room that had been allocated to the disabled students.
approved Feb 17 2006, submitted Jan 3 2006 by Graham Beverley
My discovery was that the friction caused by climbing ropes in the school gym was rather pleasurable, giving you that extra incentive to climb all the way to the top, even though your arms are about to wither and drop off. Unfortunately it all ended in tragedy one day when I actually orgasmed and ejaculated all over my PE shorts. Changing back into school uniform was a delicate operation that day.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Kellog
Rosie and her brother, James, lived on a farm on the outskirts of a village near Derby. The school bus took us past their farm each day, a collection of ramshackle, rusting, corrugated iron sheds, some of which fell over if the weather was bad.
Because of their ethnic origin, it was widely acknowledged that the sheds were in this state because Rosie, James and their parents ate too much curry; first year R.E. dictating anyone from India ate curry and first year biology dictating that eating curry led to guffs-a-plenty.
To keep Anglo/Indian diplomatic relations healthy, an enterprising group of us took to throwing our sandwiches out of the bus window as we passed the farm, figuring that Rosie and James' bowels needed all the normal food they could get. When Rosie, who at the time was too young to attend senior school, began to wait at the bottom of the drive when the bus went past, the rain of uneaten lunches turned into a downpour.
The sheds were still ramshackle, though, and when it was eventually pointed out that Rosie was actually waiting for her brother to get off the bus, the sandwich throwing stopped. Our generosity turned to anger and we just threw whatever came to hand - text books, eggs, and even water balloons were popular for a while, but no-one managed to top Kevin's inspired "Do-it-all Painting and Decorating Guide".
Looking back now, the most tear-jerking thing about the whole sorry story is that *everything* we threw from the bus would be gone the next day. Their farm might have been a shithole but those Indians certainly kept their drive clean.
approved Aug 25 2005, submitted Aug 25 2005 by Nick Hunt
The hypothetical slut-mother of Ross Foal that formed the basis of a year of South Park-esque abuse. This peaked with the presentation of a framed picture of Ross's Bitchy Mum to Ross himself. The next year the theme of the abuse was "why is Ross so deformed?"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Igor
Rough books had a more coarse, more absorbent, and ultimately chewier consistency, and were never intended for handing in. This made them perfect for putting in your mouth, gobbing onto your ruler, and flicking at whatever the fuck you like.
approved Apr 19 2005, submitted Dec 28 2003 by gav 9000
This involves walking up to a girl (one you've never met before) in front of your mates then you proceed to hold her shoulder and tell her she is the most repulsive person you've ever seen. After this, you hold on for as long as you can. The rougher she is, the harder it is, and the more enjoyable the ride.
Kudos comes from both the duration of the ride and the harshness of the insult.
(As adults, a sexier version of this game arises, in which you say someone else's name in bed while you're inside the sex hole. After that, see how long you can stay inside. However, it's worth remembering that having your cock in a non-consenting sex hole is tantalisingly close to rape)
approved Mar 12 2004, submitted Mar 7 2004 by de dee, Jon Blyth
A measure of distance, speed or power.
"I kicked the ball so hard it went round the world and hit you in the back of the head," and so forth.
Boasting that your cock is so big it encircles the globe is likely to backfire, as any pelvic thrusting on your part will lead to inadvertant penetration of your own arse.
approved Jul 4 2006, submitted Jan 3 2006 by The Boy Tucker
Roy Bird was a fat, ugly smelly kid in our year, who defied all convention by not being treated with disgust. In fact, we was almost popular.
It was considered to be an honour if you were chosen to be Roy Bird's special helper. At dinner time, he would randomly select an individual from the group clamoured around him, by method of getting another group member to spin around, eyes closed and point to a person.
The winner got to accompany Roy in tasks such as aggravating the school retard, and collecting cigarette nubs from behind the 6th form block.
(Out of interest, Google Roy Bird, and you get... gasp! It's Fred West! A bit.)
approved Oct 8 2004, submitted Mar 30 2004 by Name Withheld
1: After every question i ask, say "rubber balls and liquor."
2: okay.
1: What did you eat for breakfast?
2: Rubber balls and liquor.
1: What did eat for lunch?
2: Rubber balls and liquor.
1: What are you going to eat for dinner?
2: Rubber balls and liquor.
1: What are you going to do to your girlfriend tonight?
2: Rubber balls and liquor.
The idea of kid #2's having a girlfriend with a set of testicles, and kid #2's confession of rubbing and licking them proved to be an endless source of absurd merriment.
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Mike G
Write YES on one side of a rubber and NO on the other. Ask it a question, then flip it for the answer. Be wary, though, of what you ask, particularly the potentially devastating 'Am I gay?' If you get an answer in the affirmative, you are doomed forever. The rubber oracle never lies.

Mind you, if you are so sexually insecure as to feel the need to ask that particular question, you're probably gay anyway. Again, doomed.
approved Dec 7 2005, submitted Nov 14 2005 by Name Withheld
Written on a white sticker and stuck on the front of drawers and filing cabinets in school. I think it was started by one of the German exchange students, but it carried on appearing for about a year. That's it. Simple but perfectly funny. I always liked the charming spelling.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Christopher Huxley
Gym apparatus. Seven inch diameter doughnuts, made from inch thick foam-rubber. I can't remember any of the games they were used for, or why we ever got them out, but I do remember the comforting feel of one of the rings when you put it down the front of your shorts.

These are actually known as quoits. Women and attentive male heterosexuals will know that they are eerily reminiscent of the neck of the cervix. Or the neck of the cervix is eerily reminiscent of a quoit. Whichever. -Susan.
approved May 16 2003, submitted Dec 17 2002 by Paul Cheese
Quoits are used for various cunning tortures including throwing one at point-blank range into Jamie's face, and rubbing the perished and cracked rubber in a sawing action on Jamie's head.

Before you begin to think that we were extremely cruel to Jamie, be advised that Jamie did ballet, was proud of it and once performed it in assembly in front of the whole school wearing tights.
approved Apr 15 2005, submitted Dec 1 2004 by anonymous user
Quietly placing a rubber on a radiator at the beginning of the lesson will create a creeping junkyard stench. By the time it reaches the front of the class and the teacher, fellow pupils will have been chuckling and retching for minutes. By the time the teacher does become aware of it, the room is full of stank, and there's nothing anyone can do.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 13 2002 by Dupli Citous
Based on a Department of Health advert in New Zealand, where a mentally handicapped child sits on a swing, rubbing his eye, and suffering from Rubella. Thereby, any evidence of one element (stupidity, rubbing eye, having rubella) would be met with the other two. For instance, if someone gets a basic question wrong (what is one times one), you rub your eye and shout rubella at them.
Conversely, if someone rubs their eye with their forefinger, it is a sign that they are stupid, and have rubella. If someone actually had rubella, presumably they'd be rubbing their eye and being retarded like in the advert, so we never bothered with that one.
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Jon Blyth
The rules were simple: fill someones rucksack with as many random (preferably heavy) classroom objects as you can find, without them noticing. Then come the bell, person picks rucksack off desk, and collapses.
The game was quickly outlawed when a 4th year was almost crushed by a rucksack containing 6 bricks, assorted textbooks and a BBC Micro.
approved Mar 7 2003, submitted Jan 16 2003 by Chris B
Three kids, Sharrock, Mytton, and Dutton, lived on the same street and (allegedly) had homosexual antics in Sharrock's shed. Apparently, an Action Man had entered an arse. This shed became the HQ of Rude Club - the only club that no fucker wanted to join.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Gareth Jones
A droll cartoon figure based on the classic textbook phallus. The testicles became the trademark chef's hat, while the tip of the penis served as the chef's legs.

Any phallus drawn on one's books or pencil-case could be rapidly and effortlessly transformed into a Rudey.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 14 2002 by Paul Equinox Collins