The Law of the Playground
the letter s
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A defence to the lurgy. Girl's squitsies were by crossing your two forefingers, and boys do squitsies by putting their thumb between their forefingers. This stopped you getting the lurgy, leaving it trapped for the rest of the day in the new victim's fingertip.
approved May 6 2003, submitted Feb 1 2003 by Charlotte Negus
Terrifying local who travelled various upper schools in the area, teaching what was labelled for convenience "Judo", but actually amounted to "Urban Survival Studies". He was an ex-army lunatic who would claim at least once per session that he could show us how to kill someone with one hand, but, obviously, wouldn't. This was a wise decision, as we would have put his technique into practice straight away.nnStan's finest moments included:nn1) Showing us how to break out of a neck hold, and then informing us he was going to wrap a fire hose around our necks and throttle us until we broke out or passed out. He did, too - luckily, he was actually quite a good teacher and we all made it. We had red necks, though.nn2) Lining us all against a wall, and demonstrating how easy it was to hurt someone without much effort by smacking his open palm into our noses, one by one. I was near the end, and got to watch a whole load of kids clutching their faces and moaning as he drew nearer.nn3) Grabbing a window-opening pole and running at a group of us, screaming and swinging it in a wide arc. most of us dodged, a couple got hit on the shins pretty hard. We learned.nn4) In a shock move, demonstrating effective teaching techniques by asking us whether stalactites went up or down. We didn't know, so he said he'd tell us, and we'd never forget. The lesson: "If you've got a beautiful woman in front of you and she's wearing tights, what are you going to do? YOu're going to pull them down. So remember, stalacTITES come down." We never forgot, and you won't, either.nn5) Useful demonstration of what to do "if a coon comes at you with a broken bottle".nnAs I said, he got work in a whole bunch of Northampton schools, unless he used to just walk in with his back of judo outfits and shanghai his students. We didn't really care, it was better than rugby and there was always the outside chance he might relent and tell the secret of one-handed killing. A couple of years after school I saw Stan in the town carnival, dressed as a clown and riding a penny farthing. Big mover on the charity scene, apparently. So.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nick Dimmock
I remember Stan, and have fond memories of being picked on for his "demonstrations" where he proceded to either half dislocate my shoulder or near snap my neck. I'm sure he claimed to have killed a crocodile once.
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Jan 4 2007 by anonymous user
After a particularly orgiastic 6th year disco, when half the prefects were caught sack-deep in pupils from another school's 6th year, the assembled culprits were given a mass bollocking by the headmaster.
The climax of his harangue was the instruction "...and if the urge ever comes over you again, get a box, stand on it and shag one Mr. Bain's cows". (Mr. Bain ran the nearby farm.)
After that, every time someone got the horn, they would murmur "I could just stand on a box..."
approved Apr 15 2005, submitted Aug 14 2003 by John B
My parents, being frugal sorts, decided that it would save money if they bought clothes that I could "grow into". So, in my first year at secondary school, with the 4' 11" and six stone frame common to most 11 year olds, I was the proud owner of a Rugby Shirt with a 44 inch chest. The arms, when rolled up to allow my hands to function, gave me the appearance of a man with elephantitis of the wrists.
On the plus side, if the accompanying shorts were lowered to the where the shirt ended, I was able to make myself appear to be a long bodied spazmohedron. (Or Stanley Matthews, if the teacher asked what the fuck I was doing.)
approved Apr 20 2005, submitted Jan 28 2005 by Max Cervantes
The coolest of the "gun" weapons to be found in a school, beating glue guns by a fucking mile.

It is possible to launch yourself through the air, with a staple gun in each hand, firing John Woo-style into planks of wood across the room.

For closer-range attacks, simply staple a Dairylea triangle to the wall in reception. Some bursting may occur, but ours stayed there long enough to go rotten. Perhaps they thought it was science.
approved May 27 2007, submitted Jul 15 2005 by Bionic Sheep
I don't know what kind of establishment Bionic Sheep went to, but the staplers at my school were barely powerful enough to punch through a small wad of paper, let alone 'planks of wood across the room'. I get the impression that his rememberances are somewhat shrouded in the tinsel and glitter. Or possibly the staplers at my school were just shit.
approved Jul 11 2006, submitted Jan 24 2006 by Captain Crackerjack
Neil Durston and Dafydd Griffith?s version of the 1977 George Lucas epic.
Fluke DogBuggerer and Jedi master-a-bator Obese Wanki-nob, ably assisted by their robot VD-69, seek rescue Princess Labia-Orgasm from the Death Star and the clutches of evil Shaft Vader and his heinous bum troopers. Fluke enlists the help of Sham Homo and Pubaca the Wanky and their space ship the Millennium Fuck Bucket to get to the Death Star.
The saga approached its climax upon the arrival of our heroes in the Deathstar when they gained entry hidden in six giant penises. I am not certain what happened after that.
approved Jun 21 2004, submitted May 7 2004 by Ronnie Spangle
Does your school have nylon carpets? Do you have shoes? If the answer to both these questions is yes, then you have the basic ingredients for a static attack.

1) Shuffle around on the carpet for a while, keeping both feet on the floor at all times.
2) Approach victim. Preferably someone who hasn't been watching you shuffling around. Keep feet on floor as per stage 1.
3) Touch victim on earlobe or neck. Listen for sharp 'crack' and smell the sound of electricity and burning hair as your victim writhes on the ground in agony with smoke coming out of their ears.

In reality, stage 3 will be a disappointing "Ow!", but it does hurt. A bit.

More advanced static attacks can involve jumping off the ground and touching the victim in mid-air. Tests to determine whether this increases the amount of pain experienced by the victim have so far proved inconclusive.

The electrical capacitance of the average kid has yet to be accurately calculated, leading to the theory that if you shuffle around on your feet for an entire lunchtime, you will store up enough power to cause your victim to explode. Early experiments suggest that this theory could be fundamentally flawed, but further developments are eagerly awaited.
approved Dec 9 2005, submitted Dec 8 2005 by Name Withheld, Matt Fasham
To make the ultimate static attack, you need to apply a straightened out paperclip onto your victim's teeth after getting your charge up.
You're all wrong, I'm afraid. The most eye-watering static attack is executed by lightly touching the tip of your victim's nose. Go on, try it. - Ponky
approved Dec 24 2005, submitted Dec 13 2005 by Pogglesnatch
Ste Sammons didn't even bother to make his lies interesting; for instance, a truck once ran over his foot. It didn't break anything, though.
Fucking phew.
approved Apr 20 2005, submitted Oct 17 2003 by James Cooper
Remember when cash machines first came out? They had opaque perspex barriers that slid down to cover the screen and keyboard when not in use.
This was to prevent vanadlism, but as they were giving cards to everybody, it simply meant that vandals could make a right mess, then hide their handiwork until the next customer came along.
You would put your card into the slot, and the barrier would rise like a theatre curtain. To reveal a 'tableau' of greenies, marker pen and chip-shop Pies smeared all over the interior.
Today, that sort of thing would win the Turner. *Sits back, puffs on pipe, contented that he has had a dig at modern art, but vaguely annoyed he didn't get to mention split-in-half cows.*
approved Nov 11 2004, submitted Oct 25 2004 by Andy Mansh
Basic tool of the classroom. I lost two fingernails to achingly accurate flicks.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Fuzzbucket
Stephen Brown was a very quiet lad whose voice broke over a period of years rather than weeks. So whenever he was asked a question in class, he would whisper very, very quietly in order to minimise the relentless piss-taking. The teacher would in turn get very frustrated and ask him to raise his voice.
"Turn your voice up, boy! What is your name?"
"Stephen ..." he would squeak in a shrill falsetto before slipping into a Brian Blessed-esque boom "... Brown."
Hence the birth of the Stephen Brown Game, the aim of which was to say "Stephen BROWN, keep your voice DOWN!" The first part would be rendered in as high a pitch as possible, before landing the "DOWN!" as many octaves below as one could muster. Usually played when Stephen was around to enjoy it.
Try this - it's enormous fun. - Conor
approved Aug 27 2006, submitted Aug 2 2006 by Name Withheld
Stephen was small and very thin - and anaemically pale. The only sport he had ever shown an interest in was wanking which he did with dutiful regularity and an intense frown that suggested it was a chore. He explained that he had to do it often to try and straighten his penis - which resembled a sea-horse.

His father, in a twisted attempt to 'make a man of him' bought him a boxing kit for his eleventh birthday which consisted of gloves, a punchbag and a red shiny dressing gown with 'Muhammad Ali - The Greatest' emblazoned in gold on the back. He wore it out to play.

Word spread like wildfire and within the space of a few hours children were being bussed in from surrounding towns just to punch him.
He stayed indoors for a long time afterwards; sitting sullenly in the kitchen wearing one boxing glove, passing the hours by gently punching a dish of cat food into a flat paste with one hand and wanking with the other.
approved Jun 25 2006, submitted Jun 23 2006 by Name Withheld
Upon being asked "Steptoe face please", the target had to make a face like Albert Steptoe from Steptoe and Son. The (quite polite) request could come at any time, even when you were in the middle of answering a teacher's question. If the required face was not made, the person making the request was entitled to beat the target up.
approved Apr 30 2003, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dominic Sutton
Steve Pine, a geography teacher, may have been gay. Paul Fletcher took it upon himself to test this theory by prodding him in the backside with a 12 inch ruler and shouting "WAHEYYY!!!"

The results were, sadly, inconclusive.
approved Oct 4 2003, submitted Oct 4 2003 by Andy Mansh
The surname Stevenson is shortened to Stevo, re-lengthened to Steve Ovett, Garfield's vet is called Liz, short for Lizard, the aliens were lizards in V, VD, D-Day, Day of the Dead. Therefore, Stevo, you're dead. So there.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The nickname of a thin lad called Neil. Also the warcry used before all his colouring pencils were snapped in two (usually inches from his face). Neil could be calmed from his ensuing rage if you pointed out that he now had twice as many pencils and that he could use a smaller pencil case.
approved Apr 13 2005, submitted Jan 9 2004 by Name Withheld
A game where you entice a fly into your navel with jam, and attempt to stun it with your erect penis by tugging down on the member and harnessing the natural "snapping back" effect of the human penis.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Robsa Walker
Named after the bad letter in Diddy David Hamilton's game show "All Clued Up", this is the name given to a boy who has been circumcised. It may or may not be followed by an emulation of the electric timpani sound effect that the quiz show used. Important note : the insultee does not have to be circumcised for the insult to work. All they have to be is embarrassed. A more basic circumcision insult is BT. As in "I've been cut off".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A very stupid and irresponsible thing to leave lying around a primary school, especially one in which the eminently bulliable Patrick Sears is a pupil. A remnant from the Sports Day, and the humourous "throw sponges at a teacher" stall, the stocks were left ... in the playground. This frightening oversight led to much pain on the part of Patrick Sears. We didn't have sponges to hand, unfortunately, but we improvised admirably with pebbles. "They've got Patrick in the stocks!" was the excited cry, and I may be wrong, but the teachers were very slow to react.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Put a coin on the ground. When someone goes to pick it up, stamp on their hand. Valuable coins are more attractive bait, but if it's a copper, you can perform a jew-stomper combo. Then, at least, you are taking the moral high ground, protecting us all from a league of jews who are trying to take over the world by picking up one and two pence pieces.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ad , Jon Blyth