The Law of the Playground
the letter s
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The climax of each playground game of A-Team would involve Stuart Lazenby and I replaying the highlights of our adventures in much the same way that the closing credits of the series did. Mimicking the way in which the credits would punctuate each action sequence with a pause, we had to interrupt ourselves mid-explosion or half way through a death-defying jump to "stop for the words". Unfortunately, Ross Millin was unable to "stop for the words" when pushed off a concrete bench by Stuart's Mr T.
approved Apr 22 2005, submitted Jan 5 2004 by Name Withheld
My favourite school bus song was 'stop the bus and eat a wee wee'. I loved it so much, my hysterical reaction would often result in slightly bemused looks from fellow passengers. Much the same look, in fact, that my American boyfriend gave me when I attempted to explain my Scottish childhood and sang it to him at the age of 27. He rather furtively suggested that perhaps I'd got the words wrong, and shouldn't it be 'Stop the bus I NEED a wee wee'? Oh, the shame.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Sharon Whyte
The final line of "and the boys at the back can't swim" clearly overestimates the capacity of the human bladder and the watertightness of the average bus.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by James Ingram
Used to describe the best of something, after the ultimate Action Force figure, Storm Shadow. To whit: dark blue Nike air max were the Storm Shadow of trainers.

Lesser souls had to content themselves with his good but not as rare brother, Snake Eyes (both of which I had, making me great).

approved May 22 2003, submitted Mar 21 2003 by Name Withheld
Pointless time-filling Geography exercise compulsory for every child in Britain to perform at least once. It involved writing down the registration plate of every car in the chosen street.

Come to think of it, Ken Livingstone didn't have to spend all that money on fancy cameras around the congestion charge zone. He could have just dispatched class 5 from the local primary.
approved Mar 15 2003, submitted Mar 12 2003 by Conor Franklin
Our street surveys involved large scale shoplifting on the other side of town, although I appreciate this may not have been the objective as stated on the curriculum.

approved Apr 13 2005, submitted Feb 20 2004 by Name Withheld
Ask the class muppet "are you strong?"

In a bid to win friendship they will say yes. You then bring up a large greenie, gob it on the floor and ask them to pick it up.

Has Catch-22 potential. (Try eating a Mars Bar and drinking some Coke to give the greenie added string.)
approved May 22 2003, submitted Mar 8 2003 by John Cheetham
Game for two or four players. Requires 1 (one) Armstrong. Split into two teams and pull on alternate sides of the Armstrong, until the Armstrong is broken.
approved Mar 10 2003, submitted Jan 17 2003 by Rob Scott
A short-lived game invented by a warped individual (probably me). Knockout wrestling tournament where victors remove items of clothing between rounds. Ended when at the start of the final round, myself and my friend Simon (both clad only in Y-fronts) suddenly recoiled in horror as we realised the flagrantly homosexual nature of the exercise.
approved May 14 2003, submitted Feb 4 2003 by Will Sedley
The nearest we had to a black face at school was Stuart McCabe, who was a bit swarthy and might have had a single exotic forebear at some point. But it was enough for the stereotype to take hold. Hence the graffito STUARTY AND HIS 12" - BUT HE DOESN'T USE IT MUCH AS A RULE.
approved May 12 2003, submitted Jan 30 2003 by Roy Watson
Stuart used to buy a large portion of chips. We would only get one if we used to clap like seals. If we did, Stuart would throw us a single chip and shout "Stuart Rations!". This blatant power fantasy seemed perfectly natural.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Greg Brown
The end of the 80's brought recession and poverty to many. But one kid at our school had it worse than most.

Our very first PE lesson at secondary school. 35 kids crammed in the changing rooms as our new PE teacher asked Stuart why he hadn't put his trainers on.
He explained that his parents couldn't afford any, and then produced from his bag a pair of red shiny wellies cut off at ankle height. These were to be his trainers.
To top it off, he later started cycling to school on his mum's brown Raleigh Shopper, wearing the same red ankle boots, because they couldnt afford to buy him a bike either.
We felt sorry for the kid. But not sorry enough not to take the piss.
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Dec 14 2004 by G Scott
Variation of tig (also tag, dobby), where the person who's been tigged (also tagged, dobbed) has to stand still, and can only be freed by having someone crawl through their legs. The only reason anyone would risk their own mobility by attempting this is (a) if they are your friend, (b) if they are desperately unpopular and think maybe that you will thank them for it later, or (c) if the bristle of thigh and calf against shoulder is something of a thrill to them.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Bibbings, Jon Blyth
Once stuck in the mud, you could dive violently into the back of unpopular peoples legs and send them sprawling to the floor. Being technically still paralysed, they would have to rise to their feet and remain still, allowing you to do it again. And again.
approved May 8 2003, submitted Apr 16 2003 by anonymous user
Here we come,
walking down the street,
We get the funniest looks 'cause,
We've got no hands or feet,
Hey Hey, We're the Stumpies...
And so forth.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 13 2002 by Susan Tobacco
Stumping was a well-loved summer activity at our school. The leader - and pivotal stumper - was Kev Jones.
Kev Jones was born with one and a half arms; the half ended in a smooth stump above the elbow. Kev would nominate a victim, who would be chased around the school field. Once caught, they were held down, and had Kev's stump rubbed in their face. Stumped!
It's heartwarming to see a boy so utterly at peace with his disability. Although it is somewhat equivalent to a man with a three inch penis stabbing it in your eye. Which pretty much sums up my weekend. Wahwah. - Log
approved Apr 25 2005, submitted Dec 19 2003 by Jake Sanmartin
Serene was a very stupid girl, several years younger then me. She was of Asian descent, had a disproportionately sized head, and was very, very stupid. She would be teased by people asking "Serene, are you stupid?" to which she'd reply "Yes". She'd get asked that question up to twenty times per break time. She never once cried.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nick
Verbal trap. Asking a victim if he wanted something, you would then deny him with a rhyme. eg: Do you want a sweet? Yes Suck my feet! Do you want some jelly? Yes Suck my belly! Do you want a hat? Not really Suck my cat! Do you want a punch? No Eat my lunch! O.K. Oh.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston, Jon Blyth
Once a pupil has pushed a teacher to the edge, causing them to hit or throw something at said pupil, it is the moral duty of the rest of the class to chant "Sue! sue! sue! sue! sue! ..."
approved May 22 2003, submitted Jan 30 2003 by anonymous user
When you first start chemistory lessons you cannot be trusted with real chemicals it case you hurt yourself or throw them in someones face.
Hence you can do 'litmus paper' type experiments on Suger solution. The fact that the paper does absolutly nothing when put in the liquid proves without doubt that it is not acid or alcali but just water with suger in it.

The spelling has been untouched on this one because of the delightfully phonetic "chemistory." See also "skellington" and "chimbley".
approved May 22 2003, submitted Jan 15 2003 by D B
James Ward was very short. James Ward was very strange. He often used to mumble obscenities during lessons, or storm out of classrooms arguing with himself.

When he failed to get a mark he thought respectable in spelling, he committed suicide.

He did this by standing on the bottom step in the playground, and announcing in a loud voice: "I hate you all, and I'm going to die." He then plummeted the eight or so inches to the asphalt below, and lay motionless.

He remained motionless for the rest of break, no matter how many people kicked him or stole things from his pockets, because, you see, he was dead. At least until break-time ended.
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Apr 22 2004 by Nathaniel Tapley
With the surname Choo it was inevitable that I would find myself the target of bullying. My father had weathered years of similar abuse - such is the burden of the Choos - and wasn't about to lift a finger to help. If anything, he hoped that the relentless abuse would toughen me up.

Desperate for a sympathetic male role model, I looked to French teacher Gordon Bennett for moral support. Surely he too had been the victim of cruel jokes based on his name?

I informed Mr Bennett that my classmates had been "taking the Michael" out of my name. Ever the wit, Mr Bennett was quick to point out that as my first name was indeed Michael, this was a touch ironic, and even funny.

Feeling completely and utterly betrayed by both my peers and my elders, I attempted then and there to slit my wrists using the sharpest implement at my disposal, which happened to be the blade of my pencil sharpener.

For the rest of my school life the moniker "Chooicide" was my shadow.
approved Apr 28 2005, submitted Apr 28 2005 by Name Withheld
At school camp one year, Sarah Thorpe decided that nobody was paying enough attention to her and that the only way to rectify this was to slit her wrists.
By rubbing them on a blunt stick she found in the river.
When we reacted by laughing at her and pointing out that you were supposed to cut along the vein and not across, she went to one of the teachers whilst jabbing her wrist with the stick and said "Look Mr. Henderson, I'm killing myself!"
Rather than call the paramedics, she was simply sent home for "being silly".
approved May 31 2005, submitted May 31 2005 by Hannah Peterson
Cunteye had many reasons to be suicidal. Having made numerous and precocious advances on every male in the school, and and beared the beatings that followed, he also managed to be a spotty ginger hulk, with eyes that looked for all the world like a pair of cunts. Hence, Cunteye. Even his dad called him Cunteye, which may have fuelled the suicides - who knows?
Regular failed suicide attempts included the classics; a drug overdose failed becuase "I don't want to wake up feeling ill". Hanging himself with a length of elastic rope ended wth a case of mild concussion, and he chose to kill himself on the railway tracks on a trainless Sunday.
He outdid himself, however, when he tried to end it all by jumping from the top of the stairs, trying to land head-first onto a nail. Woodwork classes for Cunteye were to become a weekly ordeal.
Cunteye remains alive to this day.
approved Oct 3 2005, submitted Aug 25 2005 by Harry Grout
One girl decided to end it all by taking 5 Lemsips, which I believe was Kurt Cobain's second choice after the rifle.
It turned out that rather than just downing the powder (which would have been comical enough), she boiled a kettle, waited, stirred them into a cup and sipped away.
She survived, you'll be glad to know. She also remained cold-free all winter.
approved Mar 31 2006, submitted Mar 27 2006 by Jesse Ventura
Laura attempted to end it all by hanging herself using the classroom window-blind cords.
The result? She hit the floor as the blinds went up.
approved Apr 3 2006, submitted Mar 31 2006 by Mr Anon
Dave P also used venetian blinds, but tried the more direct approach by sticking his head through the slats at the top and then kicking the chair away. His theory was that he would either hang or be neatly decapitated.
What actually happened was that the fixings gave way and we were all treated to a 5 minute eppy while he tried to disentangle himself from the blinds on the floor which is apparently very difficult, particularly whilst being repeatedly kicked by 'concerned' classmates.
approved Apr 18 2006, submitted Apr 4 2006 by Mr Bingo
A 'lucky contestant' would be selected at lunchtime and was made to stand with their arms out to the side while everyone in the class hung their bag on his body in a buckaroo style. However, the contestant wouldn't fling upwards in the air, they tended to collapse to the floor with a desperate plea for air instead.

love from peter.

Thanks Peter, we love you too. X
approved May 22 2003, submitted Jan 2 2003 by peter taste
A very rich, and very homosexual man who lives in a palace made of rubies and slaps his face in surprise at the misadventures of his subjects. (See also sultan sheik)
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Jon Blyth