The Law of the Playground
the letter s
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A headline which appeared in our local paper following the announcement of the closure of our tiny catholic boy's school. The paper reported that the parent/teacher pressure group campaigning to keep the school open had spoken directly to the Pope, who was said to be 'gravely concerned' about the situation.
So concerned was the Pope, that he immediately cancelled all his pending engagements and flew to Droitwich Spa in his private jet, to jolly well give the local authorities what for.
Then the chairman of the pressure group woke up - and the cat was hungry.
approved Apr 22 2005, submitted Aug 1 2003 by Conor Franklin
A much maligned effort to encourage children to eat school dinners in the mid 90s was the 'School Dinners Are Cool Dinners' advertising regime. It didn't work. I got a T-shirt with the slogan on it which didn't fit my portly frame and thus was burnt and deposited in a corner of the music room.
approved Dec 27 2002, submitted Dec 23 2002 by Name Withheld
In the grotty little Northern town where I had the misfortune to attend primary school, I formed my dislike of public urinals.
The Toilet building was outside the main school - making it a favoured excuse for leaving the classroom - and was clearly developed some time after Norman the Conker had finished with Robin of Sherwood or something. It had a small open area at what I guess would be 4ft high or so, directly above the urinal trough.
This was vaguely reminiscent of the arrowslits in a Castle; something which was not lost on the minds of the older boys, and walking past the building too close became a piss-soaking lottery for the unaware.
However, this was nothing compared to the risks of going inside when a novice was making their first attempt at glory...
approved Oct 23 2005, submitted Oct 12 2005 by Edison Carter
A breed of civil servant who will look at a school with raw sewage on the playground thanks to overflowing drains, take into account the asbestos, make notes on their clipboards about the aging buildings that would disintegrate slightly in winds, nod sagely in response to the draughty prefabricated huts that had slowly replaced our regular classrooms, disappear forever and give the school a flying pass. In short, cunts.
"You'll never guess the rank shithole I passed today, dear."
"Oh do tell me dear, was it so very filthy?"
"Perfectly squalid! If the sewage doesn't kill them, the untreated asbestos will!"
"Ha ha! Oh, darling. I do wish we could go in there and kill them with our bare hands, though."
"Me too, my sweet. But until that day, we can only hope a roof tile stoves in one of the little bastards' heads."
approved Apr 10 2006, submitted Oct 17 2005 by Laura Smithard
In junior school I had a school medical where a man made me run round the gym naked. No one believes me and thinks it's some kind of strange fantasy, but it must be true as I remember dropping a mini skip and a jump in and no one fantasizes in that much detail.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Gilbo
Something I am alone in remembering is the time in the Infant School when a woman came in to feel our balls in the Head's Office.
No, really.
approved May 6 2003, submitted Mar 8 2003 by Matt Sharp
I remember a nurse playing with my foreskin in primary school. I had just been tested on piling up some coloured bricks, and I assumed that the penis examination was a punishment.
Parents say they'll "throttle" you if you don't shut up... getting your foreskin raped seemed, therefore, entirely appropriate for underperformance in a coloured brick-piling exercise.
approved Oct 8 2004, submitted Mar 3 2004 by anonymous user
Ashley had a misjudged belief that he could walk on water. We enjoyed many happy breaktimes watching his christ-like attempts to cross the pond, or "the scourge of all human nature" as he called it. It really makes you wonder, it really does.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matd
Whilst on a school trip to the Lake District, an enterprising fellow, by the name of Speakman, took with him a cheap foil disposable barbacue (the sort you'd purchase at petrol stations), a pack of bacon, sausages, and bread. Speakman reasoned he could cook, and then sell bacon and sausage butties when we stopped for our lunch break, thereby generating a fine profit for himself. After getting the BBQ going, someone (who read the instructions on the discarded wrapper) informed the world in general that it would take an hour or so for the barbaque to reach a stage where food could be prepared on it. The gathered crowd (those with money to buy such things) quickly dispersed, causing much embarassment on Speakman's part and loud admonishment of the label-reader, which led to the disposal of the flaming BBQ, piled with bread, sausage and bacon into the lake we'd stopped by. Presumably he hoped he could dispose of the now unwanted stuff, and that would be an end to the affair. It wasn't, as the foil tray refused to sink, and drifted gracefully across the lake, merrily blazing and belching dark smoke, like a viking funeral for bacon and sausages.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Red Andy
A chap at my school (now training to be a circus ringmaster) went all-out to establish a reputation as the school weirdo. His antics included:

1. Performing impromtu hygiene services where he'd run up behind you, whip out a toothbrush and clean your teeth for as long as it took you to shake him off. All the while, he'd croon "I'm a doctor" in an American accent.

2. Putting his penis (which he'd named "Eugene") in a bap and parading around.

3. Producing a dead crow from his pants in an English lesson.

4. Being employed as a mercenary to kick people up the arse because it was highly likely he'd be in trouble at the end of the day anyway.
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Oct 31 2006 by anonymous user
Andrew got bored during a physics lesson and decided to pretend to cut my other friend, Mario's ear with a crappy pair of orange scissors.
When Mario failed to respond to the stimulus, probably thinking "yawn - as if you would actually cut my ear with a pair of scissors", Andrew decided to squeeze a bit harder. To his dismay, the scissor blades actually met with a resounding click and a steady trickle of blood on to Mario's crisp white school shirt.
What I remember most was the look of 30% concern, 20% pain and 50% contempt on Mario's face changing suddenly to 100% concern when Andrew guiltily handed him a used tissue.
approved Jul 30 2005, submitted Jul 29 2005 by Dale Taylor
The Midlands is divided more or less equally between those of Northern origins who pronounce the popular tea-time snack scone so that it rhymes with 'gone', and soft Southern or social climbing types who rhyme it with 'bone'. In my final year of primary school this led to a schism as violent as that of the Crips/Bloods.
Forty kids racing towards me with a blood curdling howl of 'scooooowns!'
My best mate being forced to rhyme scone with bone at the top of his voice under torture and returning, his treachery never quite forgiven afterwards.
A ditch full of captured scowns with thousand yard stares, numbly awaiting their turn to be forced to utter the unthinkable word.
The headmaster even turned out to be a scown as he lectured both armies in assembly. The enmity over now, thank God, and I even regard one or two scowns as my friends.
approved May 15 2003, submitted Feb 8 2003 by shaun addison
A person with no pubic hair.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Richard Dytch
Probably a mis-heard and subsequently justified form of scoper. It's a person with a physical and mental illness, sat on a bus full of similar children. When the name was questioned, it transpired that the name was based on the lack of control over their arms, which were locked in a malevolent scooping shape, and moved up and down with great enthusiasm (a "chicken-winger").
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Mary Hinge
Post-spastical name for people who were spastics before The Spastics Society changed their name in a bid to stop people calling spastics spastics. We didn't lose a word for spastic, we gained one. And it was scoper.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Loz , Jon Blyth
Also available as an adjective, scopey.
approved Sep 29 2003, submitted Sep 27 2003 by anonymous user
'Hilarious' variation on the classic, and in no way funny, game British Bulldogs. So called in deference to Craig 'Jock' Lawton. Interestingly, not stretched to Scottish Cow-Cats.
approved Dec 24 2003, submitted Dec 22 2003 by P R Nelson
The first Gulf War prompted no moral discussion on the ethics of modern warfare. It did provide a sparkling new range of insults. Out went threatening to 'smack' someone and in came the terror-inducing 'I'll scud you in the eye', for example.

The 'exocet' shot was introduced to football, and everybody called Colin was re-christened Colon after Colon Powell.
approved Apr 25 2005, submitted Sep 8 2003 by petrocelli .
Exocets were from the Falklands War, actually. I know this because I got a detention in 1981 for saying 'Ooh, HMS Sheffield' when a fellow pupil took a basketball full in the face and fell over.
approved Apr 28 2005, submitted Apr 26 2005 by Julian Burnell
Largely non-malicious game of obstruction and irritation. When someone is trying to get through a crowded seating area, and the seated people set about obstructing them as annoyingly as possible with their legs. This may not sound particularly harsh or amusing, but is surprisingly difficult to escape if the legs maintain a downward pressure. The combination of "walking through treacle" and "double gravity" can often lend a pleasing edge of panic to the victim's face. Endless repetition, as is so often the case, may result in tears. (cf doccer kill)
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The malicious version of sea of legs is the much more macho run the gauntlet, and differed in that the victim volunteers to avoid the legs to demonstrate his skill and agility, and the other participants will trip, spit and kick out viciously, hoping to cause the most serious injuries possible.
approved Oct 3 2003, submitted Jul 17 2003 by Toilet Tax
There is a common myth that seagulls explode if you feed them Alka Seltzer. They don't.
However, it's such a cool urban legend that it has to be worth a try...
approved May 19 2003, submitted Mar 19 2003 by Chris Warren
Mr Eade was (and presumably still is) a very camp, unmarried man. Rumours of his homosexuality are probably exagerrated - he always struck me as more of a serial boy rapist. Anyway, he taught history. The textbooks we used were by a man called Terry Seaman. A comedy name to be sure, and much mileage was gained from the authors unusual monicker. We used these books for three years, so after a while the hilarity sort of abated, if you know what I mean. One day though, just when we thought the Seaman had run dry, Mr Eade was covering a particulalry dull area of the Schlesweig-Holstein affair and, obviously acting under the divine influence of Our Lord Jesus Christ himself, a certain Pete Rogers cried out in frustration, "Oh Mr Eade! Its all covered in Seaman."
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Joe Rocktribe
In high school there was this boy called dickcheese and a load of us were sitting on a wall on the school feild at lunch and dickcheese brought this other geeky lookin guy up with him and said "this is me mate seaman, he was in the newspaper!!"

(Playground Uncovered: Sigh. Yet another submission we felt should remain unedited so you, the reader, can get a feel for what we have to put up with to bring you this site. We would point and laugh but were too busy driving sharpened pencils into the back of each others hands to distract from the pain in our minds. The Team.)
approved May 21 2003, submitted Dec 28 2002 by Alicia Ada
Having found myself waiting outside the headmaster's office for a menial crime, I became rather bored and decided it was a good opportunity to practice my Kung Fu kicks against his door. However, mid-kick, the headmaster opened it to find an 8 year old girl in an undeniably threatening pose.
He was so horrified that he sent me to stand outside the secretary's office, a punishment, I was told, that he had never before been forced to bestow upon any pupil. As it was, the secretary was a kind elderly lady named Mrs. Brooks, who put plasters on children's knees when they fell over. She made me some Ribena and then sent me back to class.
approved Nov 4 2005, submitted Nov 2 2005 by anonymous user
Alligator => Masturbator
Crododile => Peadophile
Other creatures in the "Goodbye, sweetheart" range include "In a minute, donkey's winnit", "See you soon, Ken Boon", "Au revoir, pig in a bra", and "Auf Wiedersehen, Hitler's brain".
Not to mention "Cheers, Deers", "Caio, Cow", and "B'Bye, F'fly".
I'm sorry, I took a fairly naff entry and made it three times worse. Oops - Log
approved Apr 10 2006, submitted Jun 21 2005 by Uncle Squalid