The Law of the Playground
the letter s
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Well - you had to be sure.
approved Oct 7 2004, submitted Mar 19 2004 by anonymous user
Mr Darling, our secondary school Physics teacher took great delight in watching me snap a shatterproof ruler into pieces by mistake, whilst testing the limits of its bendiness.

"Just because it's shatter proof, doesn't mean it's unbreakable" he smugly exclaimed.

Well why didn't you tell me that before I wasted 50p on a non-indestructible ruler then, you twat? I could have bought two packets of crisps at break for that.
approved May 16 2005, submitted May 5 2005 by Russell Codd
Helen Bailey walked up to the teacher's desk in Y4 of primary school, picked up her 30cm Helix shatterproof ruler and snapped it right in front of her. I was stood right next to her. Laughed my pre-pubescent cock off.
approved Jun 25 2006, submitted May 29 2006 by Name Withheld
Before repetition lent the clich some meaning, I thought the advert for Dempsey and Makepeace, which contained the line "she's as cool as a cucumber" was surrealist nonsense. Thinking I'd learned a new funny phrase, I took it into my active vocabulary without question. So when I nodded intelligently in primary school and noted that Miss Kaveska was as cool as a cucumber, thinking it was a joke, I must have sounded a right little turd. Ah well.
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Descriptive of eyes after smoking first, illicit marijuana cigarette. No, your mum won't be fooled by you sucking a polo and spraying your jumper with Lynx.
approved Oct 1 2003, submitted Sep 30 2003 by Susan Tobacco
This commendable practice began innocently enough when Carlos Dunbar claimed he had snorted three tubes of Sherbert Dip resulting in an "amazing" high. Soon most of the class were snorting incredibly fat lines of sherbert directly off German texbooks in class. The procedure would usually be to pour, chop, snort and then bellow as loud as possible to indicate the strength and status of your "high". With a particulary fat line, sherbert-activated mucus foam would pour from your nose, covering yourself and those near you. Soon we were making "wraps" of sherbert and I had cunningly placed my "gear" in an old Tic-Tac box, making a rather dapper "snuff box", which was quite a hit with the laydez. As anyone who's seen Scarface or Pulp Fiction will know, this halcyon period could not last forever. Our Jimi Hendrix was Andrew "Tarby" Tarbet. On running out of Sherbert during one especialy fraught German lesson Tarby, driven mad with need, crushed up a packet of Refreshers in the hope of a "hit". After snorting most of a packet of crushed up refreshers a woozy quiet descended over Tarby. Suddenly blood began to gush from his nose onto his books, trousers and Louisa Milne who sat in front. Soon bits started coming out with the blood and Tarby fled to the toilet, presumably to die. After this shock, nasal Sherbert consumption tailed off and was almost completely over within six months.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Simon Clare
Snorting of mixed herbs was considered a popular and cheap way of getting through the drudgery of home economics lessons. The herbal high was negligible but it didn't half make you sneeze. It also made your culinary creations unusually bland.
approved Apr 21 2003, submitted Apr 9 2003 by Alan T
As a fourteen year old proto-pothead, you may experience difficulty securing marijuana. Innovative children will steal Eucalyptus leaves from the local garden centre, and smoke these instead.
The resultant high probably had less to do with any narcotic effects, and more to do with the increase in oxygen in the bloodstream now your airways are clear and minty-fresh.
approved Dec 18 2003, submitted Dec 18 2003 by Rob Young
At 10, I started on smoking tea - didnt really get to much from that apart from ill. Then I tried dried out nettles. Crap. In the same year we did banana skins, then refined the process to just the stringy bits. This was supposedly where the real buzz was. Effects - nothing but a headache and feeling sick. At 14 I tried fags - ace. Dizzy every time, hyper-ventilation - rapid smoking led to spinning out and falling over. Then, Tipp-Ex thinner, discrete and cheap. A short dab on your jumper sleeve, a sniff, and any lesson was lost to two minutes of whirling and slumping.
Such experimentation stopped the second we looked old enough to buy bottles of Woodpecker Cider. We tied up our memories in a spotted hanky, looked into the sunset of our youths, and zig-zagged crazily into adulthood.
approved Dec 16 2004, submitted Nov 6 2004 by gary Lemin
Upon making a mistake it is customary to acknowledge this to your friends by wrapping your upper lip round your top teeth, pressing your index finger on said lip and saying 'Sheudy Meu'.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Damian
Shinny the shoe was probably a nice kid but was never going to fit in because he had a briefcase, and even more unforgivably, shiny shoes. Word quickly spread that it was good luck to touch Shinny's briefcase and his shoes at the same time - but you must never speak to him during the act, as this would immediately undo the good fortune.

Shinny led a distraught and solitary life, and the nickname accompanied him into his early career. I like to think his personal accessory choices may have helped him along a bit in the real world of work, as some kind of compensation.
approved Apr 17 2005, submitted Aug 4 2003 by anonymous user
An offshoot of graffiti art, thought to originate in schools around Leicester. Often using twigs or lollipop sticks, urban artists would find fresh dog shit and thrust the sticks into the poo. What remained was both a work of art, and an Excalibur-style weapon, for a brave child to withdraw and wave around threateningly. Such a brave child had to be very careful of the "double dipper"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Shamim Cortazzi
I saw a pleasant version of shit sticks at a bus stop in Burnage. A shit had either been lain, or moved, onto the bus stop seat, and a half-smoked cigarette had been stubbed slightly off-centre. Having a hangover, I burst out laughing the second I saw the 'piece'. No-one else at the bus stop seemed to get it, though.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The first incidence of shit writing in my experience was someone writing shit, in shit, on the toilet wall.
"What's that?" someone could ask.
"Shit," their friend might have replied.
"I can read, thanks, I meant what is... oh."
A week later the words "GUNS 'N' ROSES" appeared on the same wall. Not spelled out in Guns and Roses, though. Still shit.
approved Aug 10 2006, submitted Jul 4 2005 by Chris Kirk
Some come here to sit and think, but I come here to shit and stink.
John Betjeman, 1947 - Lavaratory wall at St Thomas of Canterbury Middle School.
approved Dec 1 2006, submitted Aug 10 2006 by Tom Wardley
'I come here to rub my balls/And read the writing on the walls'

Philip Larkin, Finchley Catholic High, 1962
approved Jan 17 2007, submitted Dec 21 2006 by anonymous user
Here I sit broken hearted
Spent a penny and only farted
Pam Ayres - Stanford-in-the-Vale Grammar School, 1960
approved Jan 24 2007, submitted Dec 21 2006 by billy bauld
We've been sent LITERALLY er...four pieces of celebrity shit writing. So watch out kids, here they come!

Here I sit smart and artful,
paid fuck all and dropped a cartful.


Robert Burns, the mens lavvy, Barnton Bar & Bistro, Stirling.

They fuck you up, sex pests at school.
They may mean to, and they do.
They split your arse without KY,
And give you shitty cock to chew.


Phillip Larkin again, undisclosed locale.

Here I sit in stinky vapour
Cause someone stole the toilet paper
Should I stay, should I linger
I will be forced to use my finger


Joe Strummer, spotted Helena College, 2005

And finally...
I come here to done a piss,
I dunno what they do in India probably sqot on the floor or sumfink.
Wicked.


Jade Goody, Bermondsey Special School, 2004
approved May 25 2007, submitted Jan 26 2007 by anonymous user
A game loosely based on "Street Hawk", TV's motorbike Knight Rider. The rules; after school, Steve Wild's little brother would ride around the playground on his BMX as close to 200mph as he could get, while we threw rocks at his wheels.
It ended, as all good things must, when Steve launched a set of those elasticated hooks used for securing luggage to roof racks into the front wheel at close range. His brother flew headlong onto the playground. I'm not sure how badly he was hurt because I did the honorable thing and legged it.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Sep 26 2003 by The Sheep
My friend Tina's boyfriend was in a band who were called 'Shy-Talk'. Very 80's. The venue of their first gig rang him up to ask the name of the band for the posters. They - of course - misheard, and Cheltenham was awash with 'Shite Hawk' posters. Bonus.
approved Apr 13 2005, submitted Oct 10 2003 by Andy Mansh
The computer room had monitors and BBC B's all the way round the outside. If you got in quickly enough after break it was your job to switch all the monitors on to save time.
However, if you were second in, it became your role to go round all the monitors and 'wipe' the static off - storing it up for discharge into the neck of the biggest girly mong you could find.
approved Jun 27 2005, submitted Jun 19 2005 by Name Withheld
Turn a normal cookery lesson into shoe cookery by putting a rival chef's shoe into a pre-heated oven.
For dessert, pour ribena in the CO2 extinguisher's horn and spray it all over the ceiling.
approved Apr 20 2005, submitted Jan 16 2004 by Mike Alexander
An amiable enough game where you stand right in front of your opponent and take it in turns to see who can spit closest to the other person's shoes without actually hitting. If you did hit the shoe or trouser, they are allowed to spit on you anywhere. It's only polite, really.
approved May 13 2003, submitted Jan 2 2003 by peter taste
It all began when someone tried to kick a football and their shoe came off. From there, it was natural progression to see who could flick their shoe the furthest, and then why not start a fight with shoes?
It all ended when a shoe went through a window and the culprit was immediately identified as the kid with only one shoe on.
approved Dec 1 2006, submitted Jul 6 2006 by anonymous user
The unexpectedly inventive nickname for polyester wadding which was one of the two major materials we used for making everything in first year Textiles. The other was paper.
First invented by Darren Kitching it caught on quickly to the point where everyone was chanting it constantly during Textiles. Unfortunately for me, the teacher had outlawed the practise while I was in the toilet and so finding the class strangely quiet on my return I started the cry once more. This got me 2000 lines that were to read "Polyester Wadding is not a popular music group".
A little excessive, I feel.
approved May 7 2003, submitted Dec 29 2002 by Richard Edwards
The windows in some of our classrooms would often steam up with condensation during lessons.
We discovered that if you had greasy skin (as many teenagers do), you could rub your fingers on your face, transferring some 'facial grease' onto them and then write 'invisible' words on the glass when dry, e.g "Bill Marlow is a Cunt".
When the windows next steamed up (which could be during another class) the invisible words would miraculously 'appear'. Often the blame would be directed at innocent pupils and once a whole class got detention for not revealing who had done it; they really didn't know! IT WAS ME! HA!
approved Feb 8 2006, submitted Feb 7 2006 by anonymous user
A game designed to achieve maximum interactivity with a Japanese girl who possessed a limited command of the English: her name, the word "yes", and "shut up".
You begin by asking her name, when she replies, you say "No, it's not". When she counters with "Yes", reply simply with "No". Continue back and forth until she gets fed up and tells you to "shut up".
For some reason, this provided hours of amusement for much of the school.
approved May 22 2006, submitted May 19 2006 by Geeky Girl
A summer game. When the grass has grown, choose an area of ground for your Sidney Home. Gather some friends (or people who like spitting), and get them to hack up a load of greenies onto the plot. Cover this with ripped up grass, and repeat. Once you are happy with your home, and have enough friends to feel safe, throw someone weak onto the Sidney Home. Usually Patrick Sears.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A sidney home with more than five floors.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Silence in the courtyards,
Silence in the streets.
The biggest gob in England,
Is just about to speak.
Starting from........NOW!
Often used in classrooms as a teacher approaches, or in shared rooms to shut people up and allow sleep. In some versions of this game, however, sound effects are allowed, as long as they don't form words. So those attempting to sleep will be kept awake by cacophonic grunting.
approved Apr 24 2003, submitted Mar 4 2003 by Nick Hunt
Remember also that the phrase biggest gob can easily be replaced with many other choice expressions. Might I suggest biggest fattest anus? Or perhaps, shittiest knickered pikey?
approved Apr 24 2003, submitted Apr 14 2003 by fatal error
One fellow pupil advocated the use of his mother's "silks" as a masturbation aid. We were never quite sure what was supposed to happen with the underwear, until he demonstrated what became known as "the silks dance" with a pair of imaginary tights. The dance is too complex to describe here just imagine a boy fucking a stocking and youre not too far off.
approved Apr 22 2005, submitted Feb 5 2004 by Name Withheld