The Law of the Playground
the letter s
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Series of music books, filled with retarded songs that kids were meant to sing instead of hymns during assembly in our Godless primary school. The only tunes I can remember from it were:

Jiggle jiggle jiggle jiggle/
Jiggle jiggle jiggle/
Little sack o' sugar I could eat you up.


I went down to a party/
It was me and Ben and Mack/
And before I knew what happened/
I got an itching on my back/
Scratch, scratch my back.

Sure, the music was safe from the oppressive spectre of religion, but boyhowdy did it suck. Why couldn't I have gone to a Catholic school? Knee socks, kilts, Latin and enforced cunnlingus, surrounded by all that fabulous stained glass and gigantic gold bleeding Jesuses. Hosannah! Hosaaaaaaaannah! I'd have LOVED that. And nuns. Nuns are way cool.
approved Feb 10 2003, submitted Feb 5 2003 by Susan Tobacco
The popular assembly hymn in which all the infants wonderfully and as one sang "of kings..." at the end of the chorus, their voices trailing off as they realise there isn't another "of kings" there.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dave Bulmer
A slightly thick girl called Susan thought it was called 'Sing Susannah' and was therefore about her. Like anyone would go up to a King - let alone the King of Kings - and just sing her name. Then shuffle off awkwardly, realising that you hadn't planned anything else to say. Just "Susannah".
approved May 15 2003, submitted Apr 11 2003 by Name Withheld
The name for a child, most likely of special educational needs, who is found masturbating in the school room by a girl, but resolutely completes the deed while she dithers between running off to tell and watching in slack-jawed paralysis.
approved Mar 10 2003, submitted Mar 5 2003 by Rhys ha
Craig Eady shouted this at our art teacher while standing approximately six inches behind him.
Sir's reaction proved that he was entirely, or at least partially, deaf.
approved Apr 28 2005, submitted Oct 17 2003 by anonymous user
Pupils of opposite sexes were required, by this ridiculous rule, to remain no less than six inches apart whilst on the school's premises. Frequent were the boasts of male pupils that they could be get intimate with their girlfriends, whilst remaining six inches apart, as they were "hung like a donkey".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Holly
There's every chance that we did know what our woodwork teacher meant, when he said "pack it in or i'll stick my size nine up your backsides". There's a considerable possibility that we knew he meant his shoe, in a non-penetrative sense.
But we never let him know that.
approved Apr 22 2005, submitted Nov 10 2003 by anonymous user
A game similar to 'Scissors Paper Stone'.
Option 1 (denoted by making a fist) - look at a reflection of a photo of Sket's mum, one where shes not facing the camera, from 2 miles away.
Option 2 (denoted by a flat palm) - get done in the bum by the entire New Zealand rugby team, whilst being watched by a couple of silverback gorillas, who then join in for seconds.
Everyone shows a flat palm, even Sket.
approved Mar 31 2006, submitted Mar 27 2006 by Scott Douglas
Brown Y-fronts invariably had skid marks (actual evidence was unneccesary for conviction) as did any undergarment with a even a suggestion of yellow piping. Strong correlations were found between those sporting lobsters at swimming practive and the presence of skid marks thus causing prolonged embarrassment. Further etymological and historical research can be undertaken if necessary.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ben
We actually had a game called 'Skids' at our (no surprise) all-boys school. The aim was to produce the most impressive skid marks in your pants. Anyone actually shitting themselves would immediately lose...
...though now that I come to write this down, it's quite clear that we were all losers. Losers with shitty underwear.
approved Sep 22 2006, submitted Jun 5 2006 by anonymous user
Areas of compacted snow used for highly territorial skidding. What, you were expecting shitty streaks on your knickers or something?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Si G.
Once, we were in the changing room after a games lesson . For some bizarre reason, Steven Maule had taken off his kegs and left them on the floor. Upon further inspection, we noticed they were covered in skid marks. When challenged about this, young Mauley offered the following by way of explanation: "It's not my fault, my brother had them on yesterday".
approved Dec 7 2005, submitted Dec 6 2005 by Ben Marley
Highly competitive activity where the winner was the one who could piss the highest up the wall of the toilet block. The resulting winning stream was marked off with chalk on the wall. Strange how the sense of occasion meant that we only pissed on the outside of the toilet block, as if that was OK. This was an exciting past-time, the enjoyment of which could be vastly increased if a competitor acheived a 'Lucozade'. See also "lucozade".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Propellerhed
Jackie Tyler wanked off Beanie Baker and Rob Chatwin at the same time. "It was like skiing," she confessed.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jeremy Thomas
To be skil with one l means that you have no balls. Usefully, they are both pronounced "skill", so you don't really have to reveal which skill you're using until you have your answer.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Niblet
An excellent ruse. This involved asking a victim if they had "Skill". They would warily answer yes, which was a mistake. Skill, it was hilariously revealed, is an African bum-disease. The victim was of course trapped by the initial question, as to not have Skill was an obvious admission of being a total gaylord. (Interestingly, both definitions called it an African Bum Disease)
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by James McCormack, Richard Dytch
We were unaware of African Bum Diseases - "skill" to us stood for Spastic Kid In Lesbo-Land. Which, at the age of 6, shows a premature appreciation of the lesbian arts.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Adam
Skill actually means a spot on a dog's bum. So there.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Stefan Allerhand
All of you are stupid and wrong. It is dolphin poo.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Goblin
It is skil with one 'l' that is the bum disease. With two l's it is the regular use of skill, which is "great", or "wicked". Although it is difficult to tell the two apart in everyday conversation.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Guy Scaredycat
While Skill's country of origin was never widely known (or cared about) at our school, it was first and foremost a BUMMER'S disease, not a BUM disease, which is an entirely different thing and a deeply important clarification.
It was conceivable that you could pick up a bum disease just by not wiping your arse properly, or sitting on a fat kid's coat, for example. There was only one way of getting a bummer's disease.
approved May 7 2003, submitted Dec 19 2002 by Leigh L.
Nope, it's definitely African Bum Disease. There was a kid at school that had it. Honestly.
approved Feb 22 2003, submitted Feb 10 2003 by Tom Richardson
Also an acronym for Spazzy Kid In Lezbo Land
approved May 7 2003, submitted Mar 15 2003 by Lemon Curry
I always believed the true meaning of 'skill' to mean penguin poo, therefore telling people that you were skill meant that you resembled the contents of a penguin's anus. All these other entries have totally disillusioned me... now I don't know what to believe.
approved Sep 28 2003, submitted Jul 26 2003 by Alistair Gray
Walking behind one of the popular/trendy kids on the way to school, I overheard him say,
"Mum, I'm cool and wicked and skill!"
"Save that for your school friends, Adrian," she said back.
He never quite regained his status after I let that one out.

approved Jul 15 2005, submitted Jul 11 2005 by The Slanning
Skill meant two things at our school - African Bum Disease, or Penguin Poo. At a class reunion, I imagine many of us would agree that this was a useful introduction to the fluid and essentially subjective nature of language.
approved Oct 16 2011, submitted Oct 15 2011 by anonymous user
The original counter-strike;
Q : Have you got skill?
A : Yes.
Q : Ha ha, skill is an African Bum Disease!
A : No, I've got the skill that's in the dictionary...
Was finally conquered by the counter-counter-strike...
Q : Yeah, the African medical dictionary!
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Eldridge, Stephen Carr
In extreme cases of skill, the surname McGill may be added.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Gareth Talbot
The canonical response to claims of 'Skill Magill' was, of course, 'Luck McFuck'
approved Apr 18 2005, submitted Oct 14 2004 by anonymous user
Confusing. Skill on its own meant something good, used in the same context as ace, or mint. A skiller, however, was somebody who was completely crap at a given task. Look, I don't make the rules.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Gonch
A glorious juxtaposition of 'brilliant' and 'Skill', and more than the sum of its parts. Recently re-adopted into my modern vernacular via the discovery of a tipp-exed cherry is skillient on a GCSE history folder.

approved May 10 2005, submitted Apr 26 2005 by Cherry Green
Skinny banana long legs with webbed feet,
Went to the pictures and couldn't find a seat,
When the pictures started everybody farted,
Skinny banana long legs with webbed feet.
But what happened next? I'm not sure if I'd have stopped and watched the film. Not standing up.
approved Sep 26 2003, submitted Sep 25 2003 by anonymous user
Sounds innocent enough, but at our school the term 'sliding' was invented after Mark Myers climbed up the ladder of a playground slide, and did a shit at the top. He then pissed around the shit, causing the excretia to descend the slide like a kind of warm piss and shit log* flume.

In a vain attempt to achieve equal glory, Craig Campbell-Ace crapped onto the lower part of the slide, but only managed to produce tidy little nuggets and immediately demanded toilet paper.

Not quite the urine soaked, rock 'n' roll finish we gave Mark credit for.

*I know.
approved Sep 22 2007, submitted Jun 16 2006 by George Byrne